Summerset Abbey: Spring Awakening (Summerset Abbey Trilogy) (26 page)

His voice caught and she couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. For a moment, every fiber in her being yearned for him. Yearned to wipe away the pain she saw on his face, heard in his voice, felt in the air for God’s sake, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t that she didn’t long to, but the hurt and pain of the last ten months, the annihilation she’d felt after the last time he’d left, wouldn’t let her.

Then her thoughts turned to Sebastian. His steadfast love deserved to be returned wholeheartedly.

Jon’s blue, blue eyes bore into hers. “Rowena, I know we can’t go back. I know you have other things to think of, but please, please consider my words before you marry someone else. Please.” He was breathing heavily.

Her heart ached for him, but she would not, could not, give him hope where there was none. For as much as she had once loved him, she now loved another. She took a deep breath.

“When you walked away from me, I was destroyed. I thought I would never recover. But I did. I did recover, and that was in
part due to Sebastian. I trust him. He will never walk away from me.” She paused. “And I will not walk away from him.”

“So you are punishing me? Punishing us?” he cried out, and Rowena saw the desperation in his face.

“No! I rebuilt my life and my heart and I gave it to someone else. . . .” She struggled to find the right words. “I will always love you. I can’t deny that. But even if I hadn’t given my whole heart to Sebastian, I would never be able to trust you again. Some things cannot be undone.”

She wrenched open the door and ran blindly toward the inn.

“Rowena! Rowena, please!”

She stumbled at the anguish in his voice, but kept moving forward as if her life depended on it, which, in a way, it did.

She didn’t look back.

*  *  *

Rowena stared at the stairwell with a mixture of resolve and indecision. She hadn’t written to Prudence to tell her she was coming in case Prudence forbid it, but part of her now wished she had. What would Prudence say? Would she be turned away at the door?

No. Prudence was one of the fairest people she had ever known. She would listen to what Rowena had to say . . . and
then
she would kick her out.

How could a woman who had the courage to fly any aeroplane Mr. Dirkes bade her to be so afraid of a simple apology?

A silly, senseless woman who feared conflict.

But up in that aeroplane when she thought she was going to crash, her first thought had been of Prudence. Her biggest regret. She must make amends. She had grown up missing a mother and she no longer had a father—she would not lose a
sister if she could possibly help it. Her conversation with Jon had only strengthened her resolve to make things right. Time was short, precious, and not to be squandered.

All around her the cold rain fell, cascading off her umbrella. Winter was playing its final swan’s song. It was time.

Taking a deep breath, Rowena climbed the steps to Prudence’s flat. She knocked on the door and shook off her umbrella. No one answered. Maybe they weren’t home? No. She knew of Andrew’s injuries, and even though he must be walking much better now on his prosthesis, they probably wouldn’t be tramping out in such a rainstorm.

She raised her hand to knock again and then paused. Maybe Prudence had seen her out the front window and wasn’t going to answer the door at all?

Just then the door opened, and Andrew was on the other side.

They stared at one another for a moment. Rowena was shocked by his appearance. He had always been such a finely built man, which is one of the reasons he had been selected as a footman, but now his shoulders were hunched with pain and even his chest seemed to have shrunk.

She frantically gathered her thoughts. “Hello, Andrew. May I come in?”

Leaning heavily against a cane, he stepped aside, allowing her in. She could see that one pant leg looked shriveled, empty, and her heart clenched for him. Anger rose up in her against the war that was taking so many men and leaving still others as shadows of their former selves.

“Is Prudence home?” she managed, forcing a tight smile.

He shook his head. “No, she stepped out for a bit, but should be back soon. You’re welcome to stay.”

She hesitated, then, biting her lip, decided to stay. If she left now, she might never come back given her penchant for avoidance. “Thank you, I will.”

“Would you like something to drink?” he asked, his face an expressionless mask. “I just put a pot of water on for tea.”

His voice sounded excessively polite and Rowena wondered what he was thinking or if he really wanted to wait upon the woman he used to drive around and serve dinner to.

“That would be very nice, thank you.” She kept her voice as polite as his, afraid she would sound condescending if she was overly friendly and an insufferable snob if she sounded cold. He bade her to sit and she did, suffering another attack of uncertainty. Should she offer to help or would that be demeaning? She wished she had Victoria’s unassailable confidence. Her little sister was rarely at a loss for words or actions.

She watched him work until he turned and gave her a crooked smile. “I’m going to let you get your own cup. If I do it, you are liable to be wearing it, which would embarrass both of us.”

The smile transformed his face, and for the first time she understood why Prudence had married him. The self-deprecating humor in his words put her at ease and broke the ice. She gave him a tentative smile in return. “How are you getting along with that?” She nodded toward his leg.

He shrugged and lowered himself down in the chair across from her. “I have my good days and I have my bad days. I’ve always had two left feet, and having only one doesn’t make me any more graceful.”

She gave a surprised laugh and he smiled at the success of his little joke.

“So why are you here?”

She startled, almost spilling her tea. She set it down on the table next to her and gave him a narrow look. How much did he know? She searched his face and realized that he knew everything.

“I have come to give Prudence a heartfelt apology and beg her forgiveness. I made a lot of mistakes, but none of it was done malevolently. I just want her to know that.”

He considered her words. “I think she knows that inside,” he finally said. “But you may have a hard time getting her to realize that.”

Rowena took a deep breath. “I hope I can. She has been my best friend for so long. This last year has been unbearable without her by my side.”

“You can tell her that.” He cocked his head. “I think I hear her now.”

Moments later the door flung open and Prudence hurried in carrying a bag of groceries. “Sorry I’m late. I ran into Muriel at the butcher’s and—” Prudence froze as her eyes fell on Rowena.

Rowena’s heart sank as she watched Prudence’s mouth tighten. “Hello, Prudence.”

Prudence nodded and shut the door behind her. Setting the bag on the counter, she took off the enormous black cloak she wore.

Rowena stared. “You’re pregnant!”

Prudence’s eyebrows raised. “You didn’t know?”

“No. I mean, yes, of course I knew. I just didn’t, I didn’t expect . . .” Rowena shook her head, unable to express herself on how beautiful Prudence was or how it made Rowena feel to see her. Prudence had always been lovely, but with pregnancy she had bloomed, and even though her eyes held shadows, her pale skin glowed with health, her dark hair gleamed, and her green
eyes, so like Rowena’s own, shone like jade. “You’re gorgeous,” she said, and then, moved by an unnameable emotion, burst into tears.

For a moment no one moved. “Well, do something,” she heard Andrew say to Prudence.

“What do you want me to do?”

Rowena covered her face and cried, feeling completely foolish.

Prudence patted her shoulder. “There now. What are you crying for? I should be the one crying. I’m as big as the Mayfair home, my feet are swollen, and I still have to make dinner. Hush now, Rowena.”

Rowena sniffled. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve just missed you so much, and I didn’t expect you to be so very pregnant. I’ve . . . I’ve missed so much . . .”

“Well, I’m still going to get bigger before I get smaller,” Prudence said. “Or at least that is what I’ve been told. Now then, why don’t you tell me why you are here? Everything is all right with Victoria, isn’t it?”

“Yes, as far as I know. Can you believe she went off to nurse in the war?”

Prudence sat across from Rowena and put her swollen feet on a small stool. “It’s not any odder than you flying around the skies in an aeroplane.” Prudence’s voice changed and suddenly sounded uncertain. “I guess I’m the only one not joining the ranks of brave new women.”

Rowena’s laugh ended in a hiccup and she felt like crying again. “You can’t be serious. There’s nothing braver than what you’re doing right now.”

Prudence waved a hand. “You still haven’t told me what you are doing here.”

Rowena’s heart fell. She couldn’t expect Prudence to let her off scot-free. She turned to the woman who had been like a sister for so long and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Prudence. I am sorry for so much; I don’t even know where to start.” Rowena paused. Prudence’s face had gone still. Rowena bit her lip. “When Father died and Uncle Conrad made us move, I did what I thought was best. I didn’t know that you were my grandfather’s illegitimate daughter, and I had no way of knowing that the family would treat you so badly.” Prudence tried to interrupt and Rowena held up her hand. “No, please let me get this all out. I am not making excuses; what I did was wrong. I am just explaining what I was thinking at the time.”

Rowena waited and Prudence nodded for her to go on.

She took a deep breath. Why was this so hard? “I should have known. Even if I couldn’t know that you were related by blood, I should have known they would treat you badly because your mother was a servant.” Rowena shook her head. “You know Father, it was his style to teach you about something and then let you see it for yourself. It would have been so much easier if he had just held up Uncle Conrad and Aunt Charlotte as examples of the worst kind of snobs, but he didn’t. He wanted us to learn to see on our own, and while Victoria was astute enough to see this, I just shrugged off any misgivings I had about them. It’s hard to think bad things about people you love.” She looked at Prudence, pleading. “You understand that, don’t you?”

Prudence tilted her head as if considering Rowena’s words, and Rowena held her breath. “I suppose. Go on.”

Rowena shut her eyes briefly before continuing. Andrew sat forward, his eyes watchful as if protecting Prudence. “Anyway, that was the first mistake. And then everything just sort of
happened. . . .” Rowena saw Prudence’s mouth tighten. “I know. I
let
it happen. I don’t know why I did. I just felt paralyzed with grief—we all were—and I didn’t know what to do. The longer I waited to do something, the more difficult it became. I felt that if I just waited until we returned to London, everything would go back to normal.”

Rowena stopped and all three sat in silence. Outside the rain picked up and she heard it pounding against the windows in the front room and through the open door to the bedroom.

“When did you know? How long before
we
all found out did you know that your uncle had let out our home and we wouldn’t ever be able to go back?” Prudence asked.

Rowena shook her head. “I’m not sure. A week maybe? Maybe less. I don’t remember.” She wished she could find a way to explain how those days had felt. So sad and gray. Rather like the rain outside. The grief over her father. The guilt over Prudence. It’s not so much that she wouldn’t act on anything, she felt as if she couldn’t. “I truly felt paralyzed,” she said softly. “It felt as if all the color had been leeched from my life, and not only did it take too much energy to act, I felt as if action would only make things worse. By the time I resolved that something must be done, it was too late. You were gone. And I have never forgiven myself.”

Rowena hesitated. “I don’t want to live the rest of my life without my best friend. I don’t want to miss out on your child’s life. I am sorry, Prudence. Please, please forgive me so we can be sisters again.”

She searched Prudence’s face. If Prudence didn’t forgive her now, there was nothing else she could offer. Perhaps the pain she’d inflicted was just too deep for an apology to heal, especially after all of the time she’d let go by.

It took several moments, but at last Prudence’s face crumpled and she slumped as if she had finally given up something she had been holding on to for a long time. She said nothing, but held her hand out to Rowena.

Rowena went to her then, her heart so full she could no longer speak. Tears fell down her face and she knelt, laying her head on Prudence’s knee as her lap was no longer available. She knew that Prudence was crying, too, but silently, not wanting to add to Rowena’s burden. Rowena felt as if she could face anything now that she had Prudence in her life again.

P
rudence’s feet and legs throbbed, but that was nothing compared to the ache in her heart that still felt warm and tender after Rowena had left. How long had she tried to deny that a piece of herself had been missing while estranged from Rowena? Oh, there were still things left unsaid between them. They couldn’t speak of Sebastian while Andrew was there. But everything else, all the pain and confusion and betrayal, had been laid to rest, and Prudence knew she was the better for it. Especially with the baby on the way, Prudence no longer had room in her heart for bitterness and resentment.