Summer Secrets (25 page)

“You look wonderful,” I say, not because I want to flatter her into liking me, but because it’s true.

“I feel good. I’ve taken up running.” She looks me up and down, appraisingly. “You look good too.”

I take a deep breath. “Thank you.” I can’t pretend anymore, can’t sit here making small talk, can’t hold a normal conversation until I say what I came here to say. “Julia, there’s a lot I need to say, starting with I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” She interrupts me, shaking her head and waving her hand as if it’s all irrelevant, as if I don’t need to carry on speaking. “It all happened a very long time ago. I can barely remember anything about those days. You don’t have to say anything.”

She must be uncomfortable. I would be uncomfortable if I were in her shoes, although not as uncomfortable as I am being in my own shoes right now. I remember what Maureen said, that I am not doing this for her, or to get her forgiveness, but so I can wipe my slate clean and move on with a clear conscience. “But I do, Julia. I’m an alcoholic, thankfully now sober. When I was here, all those years ago, I was drinking.”

“We were all drinking,” says Julia, looking ruefully down at her prosecco. “Some of us still are.”

“There’s a difference between drinking socially and not being able to stop. I never seemed able to stop at two or three glasses of wine. There were times when I didn’t drink at all, which was how I was able to convince myself I didn’t have a problem, but when I drank, I had no off switch. I drank until I passed out. But all of this is kind of irrelevant. What’s relevant is that I came here to find my family, and I committed the worst kind of betrayal with your boyfriend. I am so, so sorry, Julia. I never ever intended that to happen. I don’t know how it happened, and I have to make my amends to you.”

I am watching her, and she is looking into her drink, not meeting my eyes.

“I was a horrible person,” I say. “Selfish, self-pitying, everything was all about me. I have changed, which probably doesn’t matter in the slightest to you, and nor should it, but I have wanted to apologize to you for years. My behavior here has been with me for years. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, but I needed to see you, to do this in person.”

I am astonished to see Julia blinking back tears. Instinctively I reach for her, wanting to comfort her, but she shrinks back and my arms return to my sides.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, knowing how lame it sounds.

“I don’t really know what to say,” she says, after a silence. “I suppose this is the last thing I ever expected to happen. It was such a long time ago, Cat. I mean, I appreciate the apology, I do. I think it must have taken an awful lot to come back here and say the things you’ve said, but there really isn’t anything to apologize for. We were young, and God knows I did enough stupid things of my own. I knew you were drunk. I knew you didn’t remember, and honestly, you did me something of a favor. I might have ended up married to Aidan, and Lord only knows how that might have turned out. Clearly fidelity wasn’t his strong point, so as far as I’m concerned, you saved me. Truly, you did.”

I sit back, stunned. “Do you really think that?”

“Oh, Cat,” she says through laughter. “Those were crazy times. We all did some crazy shit, me included. Too much coke. Too many drugs. Prescription ones too.” She shakes her head with another laugh. “Dr. Feelgood was pretty much my longest relationship.”

“Dr. Feelgood?”

“That’s what we called him because he doled out so much great prescription medication. I had too much sex with inappropriate men, and probably not enough sex with the appropriate ones. I never got married. The only one who did really talk about getting married and having babies was Aidan, but…” She shrugs. “Perhaps that was all part of his Irish charm. That was probably what he did with everyone.” She reaches over and puts a hand on my arm. “I am really touched with your apology, but you mustn’t feel bad, Cat. We have all moved on.”

I pause. “Ellie too?”

“Ah.” She raises an eyebrow. “Ellie’s still somewhat binary. Once you betray Ellie, or someone she loves … Betray!” She laughs again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to use such a strong word. But Ellie has never been very good with forgiveness, and she wasn’t exactly excited at the prospect of another sister to begin with.”

“Is she here, on island?”

Julia peers at me. “She is, but if you’re planning on saying the same thing to her, on apologizing, my best advice to you would be, don’t. She won’t be interested. I’ve never been able to bring your name up again.”

Why would she bring my name up? I think.

“I’ve thought about you over the years,” she admits. “You blew in like this incredible whirlwind, this sister who seemed so much more like a sister to me than the one I was raised with, and then, poof, it all blew up and that was that.”

“I’ve thought about you too,” I say, blinking back the tears that have unexpectedly pooled in my eyes.

“Jules?” We both turn to see the girl from the store. “Mom’s on the phone. She wants to know if I’m staying with you tonight. Can I?”

“You want to?”

“You know I want to. I want to live with you!”

“You know your mom would never let that happen. But of course you can stay tonight. You can have some friends over if you want, but don’t let me catch any of them with water bottles filled with vodka.”

Her face breaks into a delighted grin. “I love you.” She skips off with a wave as Julia turns to me. “They think they’re being so clever, coming in all polite, holding plastic water bottles, thinking I don’t know they’re filled with vodka. My God, whatever they do, I did it first, and I was probably better at it.”

My mind is whirling as I connect the dots and the dates and why I thought this young girl was familiar, as I realize suddenly who she is.

“She’s Ellie’s daughter, isn’t she. I don’t remember her name. The baby.”

“That’s right. Trudy. She’s almost sixteen now. Summer, the oldest, is away at camp.”

“Trudy’s a little older than my daughter, Annie. They look alike.” Like us, I think, but don’t say. Like Annie, I think, but don’t say; Annie who would give anything to have a cousin; a “
big sister
.” Julia dips her head, then looks up at me with a faint smile, saying the same thing without words.

“And Ellie? Is she happy?”

Julia shakes her head. “She’s had a pretty rough ride. Actually, it probably wouldn’t be that rough for you or me.” I note how she links us together, how it establishes an intimacy, a familiarity, and I remember her doing this before, all those years ago, and how good it felt, how it instantly made me feel as if I belonged.

It still makes me feel as if I belong.

“Her husband was convicted of insider trading. I don’t even honestly know if he was one of the guilty ones, but he took the hit. The guy who ran the hedge fund encouraged it, it was part of the culture, but there were a handful of guys that had to take the hit for the boss. He was one of them, and they lost … well … not everything, because some was in Ellie’s name, but they lost a lot, not to mention that for Ellie the humiliation was huge.”

“Everyone knew?”

“Everyone who happened to pick up the
New York Post
. Her husband went to prison for two years and was fined five million dollars.”

I almost choke. “Five million dollars? Who has that kind of money?”

“Insider traders?” says Julia, after a pregnant pause, and the pair of us burst out into guilty laughter.

I remember this. I remember how much I liked her all those years ago, how I felt, instantly, like this was my long-lost sister. And here we are again, all those years later, and I still feel it, I still feel our shared blood linking us, the sister I never had, the sister I always wanted.

“So her life must have changed dramatically.”

“It’s still not exactly a hardship. The Nantucket house is in her name, so they have that, but, shocker, they were forced to give up their city house and move to a fairly modest house in the suburbs. She tells everyone it’s Rye, but it’s actually Rye Brook, which isn’t quite the same thing. But the move was a good thing for her. It was easier for Ellie to start again without having to face all those hugely competitive women in New York. Everyone knew. I don’t blame her in the slightest for running away. I would have done the same thing.”

“How are her kids?”

“Summer’s at college now. Thankfully there was a trust fund set up for that, so she was fine, and Trudy is, as you can see, amazing. That’s the thing with that girl, however much privilege she had, and God knows they had a lot, it never seemed to mean much to Trudy. Summer’s different, more like Ellie, she cares more, but Trudy doesn’t give a damn. I love that kid. If I had a daughter, that’s exactly how I’d like her to be.”

“So you’re close?”

“We couldn’t be closer. I’m the fun aunt who lets her do what she wants.”

“That’s why she wants to sleep over!”

“Wouldn’t you?”

I think back to my childhood, how I would have given anything to have had a fun aunt, an aunt who let me, not particularly do what I want, but perhaps would have let me be me. How I would have wanted it, to have an aunt just like Julia. Lucky Trudy. Particularly with a mother like Ellie.

Julia leans forward. “Listen, it really is good to see you, Cat. But I mean it, you might not want to think about doing this whole amends thing with Ellie. My sister is an expert at holding grudges, I’m afraid. She was kind of suspicious of you from the outset, and after what happened, well, she wouldn’t be exactly pleased to see you.”

“I did write to her.”

“I know.”

“Did she rip it up?”

Julia grins.

“So how about you, Julia? Are
you
happy?” I have no idea why I ask this. I hadn’t anticipated asking this, and she certainly doesn’t owe me any information about herself whatsoever. But I hope she is happy. I hope life is treating her well.

“It’s good. It’s … my life. Not what I expected, but I work hard, I play hard.”

“Do you live in the same house? Your dad’s old house?”

“No. I did for a while, but we sold it a couple of years ago to some bajillionaire from New York who paid us a fortune and promptly tore the whole thing down to put up a McMansion. Ellie can’t even drive by without crying. I don’t mind, though. It gave me the money for the store.”

“So where do you live?”

“Right now I’m renting a small house in town. Where are you staying?”

“A house off Cliff Road.”

She lets out a long whistle, orders another prosecco. “Fancy.”

“It’s not. It’s the least fancy house in the whole area. Maybe you could come over one night? For drinks? Or maybe we could meet with the girls. I think Annie would love to meet Trudy.”

Julia frowns. “I don’t know what Ellie would say. I mean, of course it would be great, they’re cousins, or half cousins, or something, but Ellie might go nuts.”

“I guess it’s not something we could keep a secret.” I can’t keep the disappointment out of my voice, knowing that secrets are no way to live a sober life.

Julia looks pensive. “It would be good if they met. Maybe I can talk to Ellie, make her see sense. Let me see if I can figure it out. God knows I’ve kept enough secrets for Trudy. Ellie would have a shit fit if she knew even half of what Trudy gets up to. They should meet, you’re right. I’ll see if I can persuade Ellie.”

Cousins. Half cousins. I remember how I loved it that when we met, all those years ago, Julia never referred to me as her half sister, always as her sister, and again I am struck with the loss of something I only had for such a brief period of time.

I think of Annie, how thrilled she would be to meet someone her own age, never mind someone related, how much better this holiday would be if she had someone to pal around with, and I nod, excited. “If there’s any chance it could be sooner rather than later, that would be spectacular,” I say, as the waitress comes over and we order another drink.

*   *   *

I am on a high for the rest of the day. I am on a high at having found my sister again, at having our “confrontation” be anything but. At having been forgiven. I am on a high because the amends to my family, last on my list, have been hanging over my head like a black cloud of doom ever since I got sober.

I have been carrying this fear, this dread, for the longest time, terrified of what she would say. It turns out that it is true when people say you have nothing to fear but the fear itself. I cannot believe how much I have dreaded meeting Julia again, expecting her to rage at me, or dismiss me, to be furious, but she wasn’t.

I would never have expected her to be warm, welcoming, as comfortable to be with as she was all those years ago.

I could almost weep with joy.

*   *   *

I tell Annie about Trudy later that evening, when I go in to kiss her good night, and she perks up, thrilled at the sudden possibility of meeting a cousin she didn’t know about. I explain about Ellie, about how she and I didn’t get on, without going into too many details, and explain that Julia is hopefully going to smooth the waters. I tell her not to get her hopes up, but as I say the words I realize how much
I
want this, to give Annie what I never had: a cousin; bloodlines;
family
.

I still don’t know what to do about Ellie. Perhaps her agreeing to a friendship between the girls will pave the way for our own reconciliation. I know I have to find a way to make an amends to her, however uncomfortable that might be, however disinterested she is, however much she doesn’t want to see me. I put a call in to Maureen, but it goes straight to her machine, unsurprisingly, because I forget it is the middle of the night in England, and I don’t leave a message. I’ve never been much good at asking for help.

If I can figure it out by myself, that’s what I’ll do. The girls becoming friends has to be a way in. Maybe if Ellie meets Annie and likes her, that will make everything easier.

Twenty-seven

Julia phones the next day, and the excitement is evident in her voice. Ellie didn’t say no. Ellie didn’t seem all that interested, which, given how well Julia knows Ellie, means it’s okay for the girls to meet. Trudy, naturally, had no idea she had a half aunt who lives in England, nor a cousin a couple of years younger. Trudy, naturally, has always wanted a big family, brothers, sisters, cousins, and is now itching with excitement at the possibility of meeting Annie.