Summer (24 page)

The boys gathered at the back of the boat, hollering their approval and shouting for more.

Bailey smiled at her mother. “He’s good.”

“Very good.” Something in her eyes said that she understood what Bailey was feeling, and that she was okay with it on this level. Dreams were free, and they were part of what summer was about.

When the sun started to set, her father brought the boat to shore. They all helped dry down the hull, and then her dad pulled the fishing poles from the back of his SUV. “Nothing like a little night fishing.” He smiled and handed a pole to each of the boys.

When he came to Bailey, she shook her head. “Cody and I are taking a walk.” She gave Cody a crooked smile and nudged him with her elbow. “Right?”

Cody gave her dad an innocent look. “Uh, right. . . . I guess we’re taking a walk.”

Her mother was loading the wet towels in the back of their Suburban, and now she came up and stood by Dad. “What’s happening?”

“Bailey and Cody are taking a walk.” He gave a look that said he didn’t mind.

“Don’t be long.” Her mom’s voice was pleasant. “We’re leaving in twenty minutes.”

Bailey shouted at her brothers, “Catch a big one!” as she and Cody walked toward the trail that wound around the lake.

They were well out of earshot of her family when Cody laughed. “At least give me a warning.”

“What?” She loved the way she felt, fresh from a day in the sun, only a few boats still churning up the nearby lake. A giggle tickled her throat. “They know we’re friends, Cody. It’s not like it’s a secret.”

“True.” He sounded doubtful. “It’s just . . . they don’t want anything . . . you know . . .”

“What could happen?” She turned and took a few steps backward. “You’re leaving.” She spread out her arms and ran a few yards in front of him. “Not like you’ll fall in love with me in ten days.”

“Bailey . . .” He stopped, his head cocked. His tone told her he didn’t know what to make of this . . . whatever she was doing.

She faced him again, laughing harder than before. “What?”

“Come back here.”

“No.” She turned and ran a few more steps. “Catch me!”

At first she heard him groan, but then he muttered something about how she’d be sorry and took off in her direction.

She ran as fast as she could, loving the chase, breathing the warm wind in her face and the smell of grass and moss and damp earth. He was closing in on her, of course. He was much faster than her, and after another five yards, she felt both his hands on her waist—but only for a second.

She stopped, and her laughter made it hard to breathe. A few more steps and she bent over, her elbows on her knees. “I didn’t think . . . you could catch me.”

He was barely out of breath. “Please.” He seemed to make sure there was distance between them. He leaned against the closest tree and brought one foot up onto the trunk. For a long time he just looked at her, a slight smile pulling at his lips.

She thought he might ask what she’d meant about falling in love, but he didn’t. Instead he nodded to the trail. “Ready to walk?”

The laughter was still fading from her voice. “Okay . . . unless you wanna chase me again.” She grinned at him. “It was pretty fun
letting
you catch me.”

“Oh . . . okay.” The sarcasm in his voice was fun and light, like everything else about the early evening.

They started walking, and once in a while their arms or elbows brushed against each other.

Cody was the first one to move the conversation toward something more serious. “I’m ready to leave . . . I think.”

Bailey kicked at a loose rock. “How can anyone be ready for war?”

“I don’t know. It isn’t the war part. It’s the whole commitment, the sacrifice.” He glanced at her. “You know, the time and everything.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to think about him leaving in ten days, having his hair buzzed short and showing up at boot camp. She lifted her chin and stared at the darkening sky. Should she say something? Should she let him know a hint of what was in her heart?

Cody shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts. “I couldn’t have done it without your parents. Your dad, especially.” His cheeks were red. “He’s like the greatest guy ever.”

Tell him
, she thought. “You know what I think?”

“What?” His pace was slower than before.

“I think—when you’re older and finished with the army—you’ll be a lot like him.”

A shy kind of laugh came from him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She kicked a couple of smaller rocks in his direction.

Cody took a step to the side and kicked them back toward her. He started to speak and then stopped. A long sigh came from him, and he faced her. “I have to say something.”

Bailey’s heart thudded in her throat. Darkness was falling over the path, and soon it would be time to head back to her family. So what was this? Her voice dropped. “Okay.”

“I never . . .” He gritted his teeth and looked away for a moment. Whatever he was trying to say, it wasn’t easy for him. “Bailey, I never meant to be anything more than your big brother.” He looked defeated. “You know?”

She wasn’t quite sure she understood. An awkward laugh came from her. “What do you mean?”

The muscles in his jaw flexed, and he looked around, as if he were hoping the words might be hanging in the air. “I feel like things are . . . like maybe you think it’s . . .”

Gradually she understood. He was giving her the biggest shutdown of her life. She took a step back, but she smiled. She held up her hands. “Me?” She laughed and hoped it didn’t sound too fake. “Cody, you are like a big brother.” Another laugh. “Nothing more. Promise.”

He studied her. “Really?”

“Definitely.” Bailey nodded to him to start walking again, and he did. She elbowed him. “Can’t believe you thought I . . .” She was playing the part, saying the only thing she could to save face.

“Yeah, well . . .” He laughed, but he still seemed a little nervous. “I just wanted to make sure . . . I mean, you know . . . before I leave.”

“Of course.” Her heart was wounded, but she couldn’t let him see it. How crazy she was, thinking a guy like Cody—who’d dated so many girls—might fall for an innocent girl like her. “You’re my brother and my best friend all rolled into one.” Tears stung her eyes. She couldn’t let him see her cry. She spun around and began running back the way they’d come. “You can’t catch me twice.”

She began running, but tears blurred her eyes.
God, why did I even say anything? Now I’ve made a fool of myself. He probably thinks I’m ridiculous.
She could hear him calling after her, chasing her again though not with the same energy. Her vision was more blurred than before, and she didn’t see the tree root sticking up out of the ground across the path just ahead. Her foot hit it wrong, and her ankle turned beneath her. She fell onto her side, halfway into the brush that ran along the path.

“Bailey!” Cody reached her and immediately crouched on the ground next to her. “You okay?”

“My ankle.” It was killing her, the pain throbbing through her foot and up her leg. “I turned it.”

“Here.” He climbed over her good leg and knelt in the thick grass. He took her foot gently in his hands. “Can you move it?”

The pain was bad but not as bad as her hurt pride. Bailey lay flat on the dusty path, crooked her arm, and raised it over her eyes. She groaned. If she could’ve dug a tunnel and crawled away, she would’ve.

“Hey.” Cody set her ankle down on the ground. He moved up near her face. “Bailey, look at me.”

She didn’t want to. But she was stuck. She couldn’t even get up without his help at this point. Moving slowly, she brought her arm back down and squinted at him. “That was graceful, huh?”

“Well—” his eyes sparkled just a little—“you
are
a dancer.” He gestured toward the path. “And that move was, well, you know, really unique.”

“Great.” Bailey squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe the twisted ankle would make him forget the conversation earlier.

“Hey, open your eyes.” Cody’s tone lost the humor from before.

She blinked and propped herself up on her elbows. A few pebbles dug into her forearms. “I think I can stand up.”

“Wait.” His face was only a few inches from hers, and for a few seconds it seemed like he might kiss her. The nervousness from before was back. “You know what I was trying to say earlier . . . right?”

Bailey didn’t want to answer him. So she raised her eyebrows and gave him a painful grin. Her ankle was throbbing. She tried to move it and winced. “Help me up, big brother.”

Cody linked his arm beneath hers and gradually helped her up. “It’s a little swollen.”

“I can move it.” She hobbled a few steps. “It’s just sprained.”

They walked back together, and when they reached her family, Bailey could walk on her own with just a limp. Her parents looked at her, but before they could ask, she held up her hand. “I’m fine. Just a sprain.”

Cody smiled at the rest of her family. “I told her it looked great as a dance move.”

Everyone hesitated, and then Connor laughed.

By the time they were all in the Suburban, the whole group was laughing. Bailey was glad. Her fall took their attention off her walk with Cody. And it allowed the tears that had been gathering in her heart since Cody’s statement to fill her eyes once more. Her family wouldn’t know. It was dark in the SUV, and besides, half her brothers were laughing so hard about their fishing adventure that they had tears in their eyes too.

Bailey ran her hand along her shin. Her ankle would be fine in a few days, but her heart might take weeks. At least now she knew the truth. Cody would never see her as more than a little sister. What she’d been feeling between the two of them wasn’t the beginning of love or even an attraction.

It was nothing more than her overactive imagination.

Ashley’s ultrasound was later that morning, and Landon was up earlier than usual. It was the last day of June, and so far he’d done exactly what Ashley asked. He’d enjoyed this pregnancy as much as he’d enjoyed her last one. Maybe more.

Their little girl was very active, and Landon and Ashley agreed that she’d develop a spunky personality. Ashley would sing to her, hymns that her mother used to sing to Cole when he was a baby. “The Old Rugged Cross” and “There Is a Redeemer.” Those times, Cole and Devin would cuddle up next to them, and Cole would lay his hand on Ashley’s stomach.

“She’s moving really quiet now.” Cole’s eyes would grow wide. “She likes when you sing, Mom.”

The last few weeks had been filled with one delightful moment after another. Only a couple of dark clouds hung on the horizon. First, that Ashley and Brooke still weren’t speaking any more than they had to at family dinners. And second . . . well, second they would find out about today. At the ultrasound.

John had warned Landon that with anencephaly, ultrasounds were rarely wrong. They might’ve all wanted to believe a wrong test was possible or that God would give them a miracle, but today’s news could confirm the worst.

Landon poured himself a glass of orange juice and leaned against the counter with his back to the kitchen window. Ashley was still sleeping. Last night in bed she’d been more tense than she’d been since the first ultrasound. She kept her hand on her stomach, and when Sarah would kick, she’d smile and stroke the area, communicating with their daughter the only way she could.

“Nervous?” He’d been stretched out on his side, watching her. “About tomorrow?”

“There is no tomorrow.” Ashley smiled, but her eyes were deep and afraid. “As long as we have right now, tomorrow’s a million hours away.”

Landon drank down half the cup of juice. Now it was only three hours away. Then there’d be no more walking around the topic, no more believing the best or refusing the truth.

He’d talked briefly with Ashley about that last night. Just so she was clear on what today might hold.

“We’ve prayed about the results of this next test.” Landon ran his fingers softly through her hair. His words were tentative, careful. “Whatever they are, we’ll believe them.” He paused. “Right?”

She met his eyes, and they begged him not to talk about this, not until maybe minutes before the test. “Yes, Landon. We’ll believe the tests. Whatever they are.”

Landon had to be sure. Because if the results were more of the same, if Dr. McDaniel still saw a fatal birth defect on their baby daughter, it was time to form a plan, time to acknowledge their loss and prepare for it. If not, then today would be a great day of celebration. Believing the test results was important because having faith that God would grant them a miracle was one thing. But if they received bad news today and chose to look the other way, that wouldn’t be faith.

It would be denial.

And Landon couldn’t live that way, no matter how difficult the truth might be.

He was about to check on Devin when the phone rang. He looked at the time on the microwave. Just after seven o’clock. Too early for most people. He answered it before the next ring so Ashley wouldn’t need to get it.

“Hello?”

“Landon, it’s Brooke.” She sounded exhausted. Like maybe she’d been crying. “I had to call before work. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, not at all.” For an instant, Landon wondered if something else was wrong with Brooke or Peter or one of their girls. “What’s up?”

“I’ve been awake since three. Couldn’t sleep.” She sniffed. “This whole thing with Ashley and me is tearing me up. I hate it.”

A heaviness surrounded his heart. “Ash hates it too.” He tried to find the right words. “She’s doing everything she can to protect her baby. To protect herself. That’s how she sees it, I think.”

“Which is exactly the problem.” She sounded upset. “Your test later this morning is going to confirm everything Dr. McDaniel told you the first time. And since Ashley hasn’t allowed that possibility, today’s going to devastate her, Landon. It is. I don’t know how she’ll handle it.”

Landon felt his defenses rising. Brooke was a pediatrician, but she didn’t know everything. “The stages of her pregnancy have gone perfectly normal. The baby moves and kicks and sleeps.” He didn’t want this conversation with Brooke. Not while hope still lingered. “Ashley looks great; she feels great. I think it’s normal for her to believe everything’s going to be okay. Once in a rare while a mistake is made on an ultrasound. I researched it.”

“Not after sixteen weeks gestation.” Brooke allowed all her breath to leave her at once. “Seriously, that just doesn’t happen. I can’t find a case on the books where an ultrasound misdiagnoses anencephaly after sixteen weeks.”

A knot formed in Landon’s gut. “Maybe the ultrasound machine had a problem.” He tried to sound casual, friendly. But the call was shaking him to the core. “Like I said, her pregnancy’s going along perfectly.”

“It’s always like that with anencephalic babies.” She groaned. “Look, I don’t want to ruin your morning. That’s not why I called.”

“Why did you call?” Landon’s tone was a little short, and he regretted it. “What if Ashley would’ve answered the phone?”

“She wouldn’t have picked up, not with my number on caller ID.” Brooke sniffed again. “I called so you’d listen. So you’ll be ready to help Ashley later today when she gets the news. Please . . . believe me. Today’s going to be so hard for my sister.” Her voice broke and she hesitated. “I love her, Landon. I’m afraid for how she’ll be once she accepts the truth.”

Mixed emotions assaulted him. Brooke meant well by her call, even if he didn’t want to hear this negative reminder hours before Ashley’s test.

Landon steadied himself and closed his eyes. “Thank you, Brooke. I know you love her.” He blinked and turned so he could see out the window. The sky was cloudless, the sun already warming up the start of another day. He squinted against the bright light. “Whatever happens this morning, God will get us all through it.”

He thanked her again for calling, and they hung up. He wanted to find his way back to the place where he’d been before the phone rang. Drinking his juice and remembering all the wonderful moments he and Ashley had shared with their unborn baby in the last few weeks, believing that today’s results could go one way or the other.

But all he could think about as he set his glass down and padded into the hallway toward their bedroom was a fire he and his station had fought when he lived in New York City. It was a warehouse, fully involved, and he and a group of guys were needed on the roof. One of the captains had found him before he headed up. “Stay to the edges. Don’t let the men get near the middle.”

Landon had tried to tell his guys, but several of them didn’t listen. Guys who lost their lives that afternoon. Even still Landon wondered if he could’ve been more ready in that situation. Whether he might’ve done something to save the men, something to help them face the dangers of the fire.

The memory lifted, and Landon felt a chill run down his spine. Brooke hadn’t called because she knew it all or because she wanted to put herself into a situation where she didn’t belong. Her call had been a warning that landing in the middle of a fatal diagnosis without his help might destroy Ashley.

For that reason, Brooke had been right to call. Landon would be ready this morning, ready to support Ashley no matter what the news. Never mind that he wanted to cling to his wife’s optimism; he would be strong for Ashley and go into the appointment heeding Brooke’s advice.

Expecting the worst.

Ashley heard the phone ring, and at the same time she realized Landon was up.
He’ll answer it
, she told herself. She spread her arms out and felt the weight of her baby.

“Morning, Sarah.” She ran her fingers over her tight abdomen. There was a shift inside her, and Ashley watched her unborn baby move from one side to the other. “You’re more squirmy than either of your brothers, little one.” She patted the firm side of her stomach, where her daughter now lay, and a quiet laugh played on her lips.

The other day Cole had seen Sarah shift like that, and his eyes had gotten so big they looked perfectly round. “Mom, that’s like an alien movie or something.”

“It looks funny,” she’d admitted. “It just means Sarah’s getting ready to join us out here.”

Cole wrinkled his nose. “Did I do that when I was inside you?”

“Yep. Not as much as Sarah though.” She tickled his tummy. “You were sleepier.”

“Not much else to do in there.” Cole patted her round stomach. “You know what, Mom?”

“What?”

“I’m sort of getting used to the idea of a sister.” He shrugged. “Girls need big brothers to keep ’em safe. And maybe one day she’ll be going to her first day of kindergarten, and I can walk her to school. So none of the third graders call her a kindergarten baby.” He stuck out his chest. “I’d be good at that.”

“Yes, Coley.” She kissed the top of his head. “You’d be very good at that.”

He flashed her a grin, then ran to find Devin.

Those were the sorts of moments she was enjoying most about her pregnancy, the way Cole was old enough to ask questions about the miracle of life and the private times she and Landon shared with their unborn daughter.

Ashley shifted, and from the other room she heard Devin’s soft little voice. “Mommy . . . Mommy . . .”

She smiled and pushed herself out of bed. It was more of a struggle these days. Sometimes she wondered if her due date was wrong and maybe little Sarah was going to come early. She couldn’t remember being this big this early with the boys. She pressed her hand to the small of her back and went to find Devin.

He was standing in his crib, pacifier in his mouth, blanket in his hand, blond hair sticking out in a classic bed-head look. He kept the pacifier in place with his teeth and sang out one more time, a precious melody with a simple lyric. “Mo-mmy . . . Mo-mmy . . . Mo-mmy!” Then he smiled and laughed.

“Come here, sweet boy.” She bent her knees a little as she swept him into her arms. He could only fit on her hip now, but he didn’t seem to mind. Devin was so sweet natured. He didn’t have half the mischievousness of Cole—at least not so far.

He laid his head on her shoulder and patted her stomach. “Hi, baby.”

“That’s a nice boy, Devin.” Joy filled her and warmed her despite the slight chill in the house. She wasn’t in a rush to start the day. She had three hours until her test, so she eased herself into the rocking chair. She whispered in Devin’s ear, “Wanna rock with Mommy for a little bit?”

“Mmm-hmm.” He kept his head on her shoulder. Then he started to hum.

When Devin hummed, Ashley knew exactly what was supposed to come next. “Want Mommy to sing?”

Devin nodded and pressed his head closer against her. He pulled his blanket up to his face and snuggled into it.

Ashley added a hum of her own, because that’s what she always did when Devin wanted a song. These were the simple rhythms that came with motherhood, the ability to read a child, to know a child’s needs before they could even be voiced. She took a long breath and smoothed Devin’s soft cotton pajama top. “‘Jesus loves me! this I know, for the Bible tells me so. . . .’”

By the time she reached the line in the song that talked about Jesus being strong, Devin gave three little grunts for emphasis. Then he lifted his head, looked straight into her eyes, and giggled. Cole was that way too. Loving the “He is strong” part most of all.

She could hear Landon across the hall waking up Cole. He had a spelling test at summer school today—a review of all the words they’d learned that year. Classes lasted for three weeks from eight to noon. Lots of Cole’s friends were going, and with Ashley’s pregnancy, they’d decided to let him attend again this year.

But summer school didn’t mean Cole was less nervous about his test. Last night they’d all prayed that he would stay calm and remember all the words they’d worked on since September. They randomly tested him from the review sheet, but with two hundred words on the list, they could only go over a tenth of them.

Then after prayers, Landon had figured out a way to take Cole’s mind off the spelling words. “Mommy has an important test tomorrow too.” He sat on the edge of Cole’s bed. “So we’ll pray for your spelling test, and you pray for Mommy’s test at the doctor’s office.”