Suicide Notes (11 page)

Day 26

Oh, man. Cat Poop
cannot
find out about this.
Nobody
can find out about this. If they do, Sadie and I are both screwed.

Okay, so after Sadie kissed me good night last night, she went back to her room. Nothing else happened. But the thing is, I kept wondering what
could
have happened. And the more I thought about it, the more I wished something
had
happened. I tried not to picture it, but when I tried focusing on something else, I kept seeing Rankin again. I definitely didn’t want to go there, so I switched back to Sadie.

That’s when I got up. I told myself I was just going to go to the bathroom. And I did go. I went in there and peed. I thought about taking a shower to relax, but shower = Rankin, and that was
not
helping. So I started to go back to my room.

But when I walked into the hallway, I ran into Carl. I haven’t mentioned him before because he wasn’t important before, but now he’s
really
important. Carl walks through the halls every half hour to make sure no one is doing anything they shouldn’t be doing. He’s not an attendant, exactly, because he doesn’t help the nurses with anything medical. He’s more of a night watchman.

Actually, there are two watchmen, and they alternate nights. The other one is a guy named Frank. Frank’s not very friendly. He just does his rounds and almost never says anything. Honestly, I don’t think he’d care if he found one of us dead on the floor. He’d just keep going.

But Carl is different. Carl’s a nice guy. He’s got to be at least sixty. He reminds me of my grand-father. Actually, he
is
a grandfather. I know because he’s shown me pictures of his grandkids. You always know when Carl’s around because his keys jangle when he walks, like he’s kind of bouncing and the keys knock against his leg. You’d think it would be totally distracting, but it’s actually kind of reassuring to hear him walking past my room.

“Hey, sport,” Carl said when he saw me. He calls everybody sport. It must be a grandpa thing, because mine does it, too. “Can’t sleep?” he asked.

“Uh, just had to, you know, pee,” I told Carl.

He jangled his keys. “I know how that is,” he said. “The older you get, the more you go. I must go four times a night. I’ve got a bladder like a leaky roof.”

“Right,” I said. I mean, what do you say when someone tells you about their bladder?
Gee, maybe you should wear a diaper?

“Well, you get back to bed,” said Carl. “I’m heading over to see the other folks for a while.”

He meant he was heading over to the adult ward. Carl always talks about the patients as if they’re his next-door neighbors. I guess he doesn’t want to make us feel bad about being here; unlike Frank, who I once heard whistling the theme music from the Looney Tunes cartoon show while he was making his rounds.

“See you, sport,” Carl said as he walked away.

“See you,” I said back.

I started to go to my room, but something made me turn around. I looked down the hall to where the girls’ rooms are. Carl had just walked through, and I knew he wouldn’t be back for at least half an hour. As long as Moonie stayed in the nurses’ station, I would have thirty minutes before anyone checked on me.

I moved before I could stop myself. I was at Sadie’s door in about ten seconds, and inside right after that. Then I went to her bed. She was asleep on her back. Her hands were on her stomach, and her hair was all over the pillow. Her mouth was open, but she wasn’t snoring or anything. She was just asleep.

I leaned down and kissed her, just like in the movies. When I pulled my head back, her eyes were open and she was looking at me with this dreamy expression.

“Hey,” she said, all sleepy.

“Hey,” I said. “Mind if I share your sleeping bag?”

She didn’t say anything, but she scooted over and lifted the blanket and sheet. I got in next to her.

“Carl will be back in half an hour,” I said.

Honestly, until right then I hadn’t known I was going to do what I did next. I reached out and I put my hand on Sadie’s breast. She was wearing a T-shirt, but I felt everything.

I wasn’t sure what to do next. Then Sadie put her hand on mine, like she had when we were sitting on the couch. “It’s okay,” she said, still sounding half asleep. “You can pretend I’m Allie.”

She took my hand and slid it under her T-shirt. Her nipple poked into my palm, and the skin was warm. I squeezed. Sadie made this funny little noise, like a sigh and a groan all at once. Then she took my hand and moved it down to her panties. I felt the elastic waistband and stopped there. My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could feel it.

“It’s okay,” she said again.

I slipped my fingers underneath the elastic and felt hair. I don’t know why, but I was surprised that it was as rough as mine is. I thought girls would have really soft hair down there, like rabbit fur or something. It felt strange. Also, I’m used to feeling, well,
something
down there, and it wasn’t there.

Sadie made a soft grunting sound and kissed my neck. I could feel myself getting hard, but I didn’t know what to do next. Was I just supposed to stick it in? Was there something else I was supposed to do first? In the movies they always end the scene before you see that part. And it’s not like someone gives you a manual or anything. I just figured that when the time came, I’d know what to do. But there I was, and I had no clue.

Sadie put her hand into my boxers. I pulled away from her and rolled onto my side.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I hear Carl,” I said. “His keys.”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Sadie said. “It’s probably just the wind.” She started to touch me again, but I wasn’t hard anymore.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should go.”

I didn’t wait for her to say anything else. I just left. Of course, Carl wasn’t in the hall. I knew he wasn’t. I ran back to my room as fast as I could and got into my own bed.

Day 27

I knew I couldn’t avoid Sadie forever. I mean, it’s not like there’s, oh,
anywhere
to get away from people for very long around here. In fact, I pretty much ran into her first thing at breakfast.

“Hey,” I said, which is so incredibly witty that you can applaud my genius any time you want to.

“Hey,” Sadie said. “Take my advice, stay away from the muffins. They look like blueberries, but they’re actually raisins. Totally disgusting.”

She was talking like it was any other day and not the morning after I tried to have sex with her but couldn’t keep it up. I figured she was just being nice and pretending it hadn’t happened.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” I said. Lucky for me, no one else had come in yet, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone eavesdropping. Well, except for anyone listening on the hidden microphones, which by the way I totally believe are planted around here.

“What about it?” Sadie asked, poking at her oatmeal with her spoon.

“You know,” I said, not believing she was going to make me actually say it. “Not being able to—”

“Oh, that,” said Sadie, waving her hand like she was shooing away a fly. “Don’t worry about it. We were just fooling around, right? It’s not like it was our honeymoon.”

“I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t because of, you know, you or anything.”

“Oh, I know,” Sadie answered. “I never thought it was. It’s all about you.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said. I felt like she’d slapped me.

“No,” she said, looking at my face. “I didn’t mean it that way. I mean I know it’s because of you. You and Allie.”

“Me and Allie?” I repeated.

“Sure,” Sadie said. “You’re in love with her and she doesn’t love you. Or something like that. I still haven’t quite figured it all out. But I know it’s about Allie.”

“It’s not like that,” I said, shaking my head. “She’s just my best friend.”

“Best friend,” Sadie repeated, making air quotes with her fingers so that I would know she didn’t really believe me. “Okay, so you and Allie are best friends. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to be more than that. So what’s the problem?”

“It’s not a problem,” I said. “Or at least it wasn’t. Not until Burke came into the picture.”

“Who’s Burke?”

“Allie’s boyfriend.” It was the first time I’d said his name out loud since coming to the hospital. It tasted like raw onions.

Sadie nodded. “I get it now. You’re jealous because Burke’s got Allie, and Burke’s all jealous because you and Allie are friends. That is
such
a guy thing. He probably gets all pissed off because he thinks she spends more time with you than with him.”

“Right,” I said.

“And because she’s a girl and thinks boyfriends are the most important thing in the universe, she told you she couldn’t spend so much time with you.”

“Something like that.” Sort of.

“God, girls make me sick sometimes,” said Sadie. “Here’s this jerk who’ll probably dump her in a month and she gives up her best friend for him because he’s too insecure to handle the fact that she likes to hang out with another guy. What a stupid bitch.”

I didn’t say anything. Allie isn’t stupid, and she isn’t a bitch. If she was, what happened between us would be easier to forget. But she’s not like that at all, only I couldn’t tell Sadie that because it would make her think I wasn’t telling the whole story. Which I wasn’t.

“That’s why you did it, isn’t it?” Sadie said after a minute. “Because you lost your best friend?”

“Pretty much,” I said. “I don’t know, maybe I thought it would make her feel sorry for me or something. Pretty stupid, huh?”

“Not stupid,” said Sadie. “Sad. Especially because she doesn’t deserve a friend like you.”

Then she got up and hugged me. I totally wasn’t expecting it. Like I said before, my family isn’t big on the whole affection thing. I mean Amanda hugged me when she saw me, but that was just a case of temporary insanity. Normally she would never do that. Even Allie has never hugged me more than a couple of times, and she comes from a big family of huggers. I guess I just have this invisible sign on me that says no hugging.

But Sadie ignored the sign. She hugged me really hard, patting my back and squeezing me. I wasn’t sure what I should do, so I patted her back. That seemed to work, because she let go of me.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” she said. “But you know what? You don’t need her. It’s time you had friends who see how great you are.”

“Maybe,” I said.

“No maybe,” said Sadie, taking my hands and holding them. Her thumbs touched my wrists, and I could feel her rubbing my scars. I let her.

“I want you to know you can tell me anything,” Sadie said. “
Anything
.”

“Thanks,” I told her. “You too.”

“Aren’t you two a cute couple.”

I looked up and saw Rankin grinning at us. He was carrying a plate piled with scrambled eggs, sausage, toast, and everything else he could fit on it. I don’t think I could eat that much food in an entire day, let alone for breakfast.

Rankin took a seat at the table while Sadie went back to her chair. To tell the truth, I was kind of relieved that Rankin had interrupted us. I mean, I was happy that Sadie wasn’t mad, and it was nice of her to say everything she said, but I had pretty much used up all of my sharing time minutes, if you know what I mean.

Rankin was ignoring us and concentrating on his breakfast. And I mean
concentrating
, as in he was staring at it like it was a math problem he needed to figure out. Finally he picked up a sausage and bit one end off.

“Take it easy on that thing, Rankin,” said Sadie, looking at me and winking. “You know what they say about playing with your sausage too much.”

I couldn’t believe she’d said that. “
Stop it
,” I mouthed at her.

But it didn’t matter. Rankin didn’t get the joke, anyway. He wrinkled up his eyebrows and said, “I’m not playing with it, I’m eating it.” He put the rest of the sausage in his mouth and chewed it.

Sadie looked at me and giggled.

“You guys are weird,” Rankin said, and dug into his eggs.

Day 28

What happened tonight wasn’t a dream. I want it to be, but it wasn’t. It really happened. And now I feel worse than I did when they took me off the happy pill that first week. A lot worse. I almost feel the way I did the night I tried to, well, do what I did.

I went to bed around eleven last night. Even though things were okay between us, I was still a little freaked out about what happened with Sadie, and I just wanted to sleep for a while and forget about it. You know how things always seem worse at night, and how in the morning they aren’t that bad? Well, that’s not
always
true. Not this time, anyway.

I
was
dreaming. In my dream I was running along a street somewhere. It was nighttime, and the moon was full. The stars were all silver and shining, and it was warm, the perfect summer night. I was just running along. Then I spread my arms, like you do when you’re a kid and you’re pretending to be an airplane, and the wind lifted me into the sky.

There I was, flying. It’s not like I’ve never had a flying dream before, but this was different. I felt like a kite, riding the wind and watching the town below me. It looked like a miniature city, all the lights twinkling and the cars moving around like fireflies. It was totally beautiful and peaceful, and I never wanted it to end.

Then something happened. It was like the dream skipped a few frames, or someone hit the pause button in my brain. In my dream I started to fall back to earth. I woke up, and for a minute I thought I really had fallen. I didn’t know where I was or what was happening.

That’s when I realized that someone was in the bed with me. There was a body stretched alongside mine, and the sheets and blankets were pulled back. The moon was shining in through the window, and I could see it reflected on bare skin. Someone was touching me. There was a hand between my legs, stroking me. And I was hard.

“It’s okay,” a voice whispered in my ear. For a second, I thought it was Sadie, and that this time I might be able to go through with it.

But it wasn’t Sadie. It was Rankin. He was in my bed, naked, and he was jacking me off. It was so totally bizarre that for a minute I was sure I was still dreaming. But I felt his skin on mine, and his hand going up and down. I could even feel his breath where he was breathing against my neck.

All I could say was, “What are you doing?”

“Do you like it?” Rankin asked me.

“Don’t,” I told him. But I couldn’t move. It was like I was frozen. For a minute I thought I was still dreaming, that I might wake up and be alone in my bed. I shut my eyes.

Rankin stopped what he was doing and moved his hand up my belly. His fingers were rough, but they still tickled. When he rested his palm on my chest I could feel the calluses he has from playing ball.

“Your heart is beating really fast,” he said. He moved his head closer to me and kissed my neck.

I wanted to tell him to stop. I wanted to tell him to get out of my bed and out of my room. But it was like my voice was locked in my throat. I kept swallowing, trying to break through the block that was there, but nothing worked.
Wake up,
I told myself.
Wake up wake up wake up wake up.

“You can touch me if you want to,” said Rankin.

My hands were at my sides, my right one pressed against Rankin’s stomach where he was lying next to me. I could feel his skin, and the muscle beneath it. He moved closer, and my fingertips touched skin and hair. I was so scared I couldn’t move. Mostly I wanted to be anywhere else, but part of me was really curious.

He pushed himself against me. He was hard. I moved my hand, and my fingers wrapped around him. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen if I
didn’t
do it. I just pretended I was still dreaming.

Rankin’s body tensed, then relaxed, and the two of us just stayed there like that for a while. I could feel the blood pumping through him, and I started moving my hand up and down him. He put his hand back between my legs and did the same thing. Neither of us said anything while we did it, but every so often Rankin would brush his lips against my neck. I don’t know how long we were there, but it felt like hours. Then I felt Rankin’s body stiffen and he groaned. My hand was covered in sticky heat, and he gripped me harder. A few seconds later I was done too.

I didn’t know what to do afterward. Rankin sat up and wiped his hands on his T-shirt, which he’d thrown on the floor. Then he pulled his underwear on and left without saying anything.

When he was gone, I put my hand to my nose. It was still sticky from him. I could smell Rankin on my fingers, a mix of sweat and something else I can’t really describe. I wiped my hand on the sheets to get it off, but the smell stayed in my nose, no matter how hard I breathed to clear it out.

I tried to get back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes I could feel Rankin touching me, feel his breath on my neck and his skin against mine.

Why did I do that with him? Why did I let him stay?

I don’t know why. But I did, and now I feel like crap. Dirty. Worst of all, I have to see my parents today. And I don’t even want to think about having to see Rankin later. Maybe he won’t say anything and we can pretend it never happened. He’s good at that, right? And maybe it
didn’t
happen. Maybe it was all a sick dream, and I’ll still wake up.