Suffer II (7 page)

Placing a framed photo of Emily and Hank on top of her clothes, Karla zipped her last bag and carried it into the living room. She sat on the couch with her hands folded in her lap. It was the first time she would be leaving Boudreaux in six years.

She took deep breaths while looking around the room trying to hold back tears. Most of the memories made in her small home weren’t fond, but they were the last she had of Emily. When Hank died, she told her daughter she couldn’t keep up the larger family property and sold it two months after his funeral.

Emily knew differently and wrote in her journals about her mother’s worsening condition. Every night for weeks after his death, she could hear her mother crying herself to sleep at night. Karla had made his breakfast every morning when he was alive, and continued to do so after he was gone. The plate full of his favorite foods would still be sitting on the table when Emily came home from school.

Time couldn’t ease Karla’s pain and neither could Emily. She wrote how difficult it was to conceal her sadness in order to take care of her mother. She was hopeful when Karla went to the doctor for help, but it soon faded when the help came as little white pills. When her mother took them, they took her.

She no longer slept in her bed and spent most of the day lying on the couch. If she did get up, she’d move around in slow motion with little purpose or direction. She stopped cooking, did not take care of the house, and abandoned the flower gardens in the backyard. Everything that would usually give her joy seemed to remind her of the loss of her husband. Emily believed that included her.

She didn’t resent her mother for falling into a deep depression. Emily knew how much her parents loved each other and how devastating it was for Karla to lose him. There were very few times in their marriage when they were apart for more than a day. Emily wrote how her mother would light up when Hank came home from work. She’d greet him at the door with a beaming smile, a tight embrace, and a long kiss. They showed their daughter what being in love looked like.

She did resent the doctor for her mother withdrawing from the world. On several occasions, she’d call or visit him with pleas that he not refill her prescription. He’d give her the same response, that Karla just needed a little more time to heal. The one time she hid the pills from her mother, she went into a rage and told Emily they were the only thing keeping her alive. She never tried to hide them again.

For weeks after Hank’s sudden death from a pre-existing heart condition, friends would stop by with dishes of food and words of encouragement for the family. When the doctor increased the dosage and Karla stopped answering the door, they stopped offering their help. The only time she wasn’t overmedicated was when she sold the house and moved to the outskirts of town.

Emily made an entry in her journal about the day she came home from school to find the house empty. She and Dawson drove the short distance into Boudreaux to look for her. An hour later they received a phone call from Sheriff Lewis.

They walked into the grocery store to find Karla and the sheriff sitting on a bench near the checkout. Her mother was wearing a housecoat and slippers. The manager told Emily that she was wandering aimlessly around the store talking to herself with a shopping cart full of meat. When she finally made it to the checkout, she didn’t have any money. Karla told the manager that Hank would come by after work to pay for the groceries, but she needed to get home to start his dinner.

“I know this is hard for you,” said Kate, sitting beside Karla on the couch.

“It is, but I know you need me out of your hair.”

“It’s not you that we’re worried about. We’ll be able to work faster if we know you’re as far away from this place as possible and safe.”

“What about you?” asked Karla. “Are you going to be safe here?”

“Very,” said Grey, walking back inside after taking her bags to the car. “I’ll be making sure of that.”

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” asked Karla.

“Of course,” said Grey, taking a seat across from her, holding Emily’s journals.

“I can tell you have some reservations about me.”

“It’s my job to have reservations about everyone,” said Grey. “Ms. Karla, I don’t believe you’re responsible for Emily’s disappearance, but I do believe you’re not telling us everything you know.”

“I’ve told you everything I can remember,” said Karla. “I swear to you I have.”

“There are a lot of holes,” said Grey.

“That’s exactly what they are,” said Karla. “And that’s exactly what I wanted. You see, I didn’t take those pills to feel better. I took them so I wouldn’t feel anything at all. There are days, even weeks, of my life that I can’t remember anything. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s the truth.”

“Can I ask what you were taking?”

“Xanax and Valium for depression and anxiety and Ambien to help me sleep,” said Karla. “That was just the beginning.”

“How long did you take them?”

“Almost three years,” said Karla, lowering her head.

Grey’s eyes grew wide. He knew she was telling the truth about not remembering how Emily’s life had spiraled out of control. Like Tyler and Dawson, Emily had lost both of her parents when one of them died. The boys lost their father to booze. Emily lost her mother to prescription drugs.

“I know what you’re thinking,” said Karla, raising her head. “How could a mother do that to her child?”

“I’m not here to judge you,” said Grey. “I just need answers.”

“The pills nearly killed me,” said Karla. “To be honest, some days I wished they had. My depression was replaced with shame and guilt. My body was a wreck, and I had gained seventy pounds while I was laid up on the couch. Most of the damage I did to myself is irreversible. Now when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me.

“When I finally came off the drugs, I realized Emily was in trouble with her own addiction. She tried to hide it from me, but I could see the changes in her. I didn’t know what to do, so I just tried to love her and give her a place to feel safe. I made so many mistakes, Grey. So many that I’ve lost count.”

“Does Dawson know she’s missing?” asked Grey.

“I haven’t spoken to him in years,” said Karla. “I pushed everyone away from me, including those boys. The difference with Tyler is that he always came back. I remember them coming around and helping Emily keep up the house and yard, but I also remember telling her to stop bringing anyone over. I didn’t want them to see me like that. I’m sure I was an embarrassment to Emily as well.”

“No, you weren’t,” said Grey. “Not to her.”

“I appreciate you trying to ease my mind, but I know I –”

“I’m not trying to ease your mind,” said Grey, looking over at Kate who was giving him a slight smile. “She told me, Ms. Karla. All Emily wanted was for you to get better. You think you let her down, but she was a very strong girl and understood more than you think. She knew how much Hank meant to you and that you were devastated. She knew how much you two were still in love after all those years. She even wrote that you and Hank showed her what being in love looked like.”

“Then why?” asked Karla, wiping her cheeks and raising her voice. “Why did this happen to her? Who would want to hurt my child?”

“I know Kate has already promised you that we’ll find out who and why,” said Grey. “I’m going to make you that same promise.”

“I know I have to leave this place for you two to do your jobs, but I hate the thought of being so far away from her,” said Karla. “She knew where to find me. She knew I’d be right here waiting for her.”

“That’s why I want you to take these with you,” said Grey, handing Karla the journals. “I have everything I need from them. You’re having trouble remembering things after Hank’s death. Emily wrote just about every day during that time. It’ll help you more than the pills ever could. She would want you to read them. You need to read them.”

Karla started rocking back and forth as she held the books. She caressed the covers as if she were holding Emily as a baby. Before Grey let her know it was okay, she felt like she didn’t deserve to read her daughter’s innermost thoughts. In the back of her mind, she was scared to know what those thoughts would reveal.

Looking at his watch, Grey knew they didn’t have long before the plane arrived with Chief, Evan, and Abby. It was the same plane that would be taking Karla to Miami. He helped her into the SUV and then held the door while Kate settled into the passenger seat. Kate and Karla did most of the talking while Grey drove them to the airport in Houma. As they pulled into the parking lot, the familiar aircraft was taxiing into the small terminal.

  As the team disembarked the plane, they took a moment to speak to Karla. They told her how dedicated they were to finding Emily and made promises that they wouldn’t stop looking until they did. She hugged each of them before gripping the rail and slowly walking up the air stairs of the private jet. Grey escorted Karla to her seat and helped her with the buckle. He knew this was her first time flying. She grabbed his arm as he turned to leave.

“You’ll do fine,” said Grey, with a flight attendant standing behind him. “They’ll take good care of you.”

“No, it’s not that,” said Karla, smiling at the attendant and then looking back at Grey. “There’s something I want you to know.”

“Can we have a second?” asked Grey, turning to the attendant. When he walked away, Grey knelt down beside Karla.

“After she was kicked out of school, she would always come back to me,” said Karla, carefully placing Emily’s journals in her lap. “Sometimes she’d be gone for weeks, but she’d always come back. When she did, she’d burst through the door like a tornado with smiles and hugs. We’d cook dinner together while we talked and laughed about the silliest things. She’d play with my hair while we watched TV like she did when she was a little girl. She’d tell me how great everything was and that I never needed to worry about her.

“Of course I knew different. Of course I did. I knew she had either been in jail or running with the wrong people, but I didn’t want to say anything to her. I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together. It would only be a day or two at the most, so I didn’t want change her mood. The only time I would say anything was when I knew she was getting ready to leave.

“She’d tell me she was heading out to look for a better job or going on some grand adventure with her friends. When I’d hug her goodbye, I’d whisper in her ear that I wanted her to stay for just a bit longer. Just one more day.

“Emily would take my face in her hands and give me one of her brilliant smiles. She was so beautiful, Grey. She’d tell me it was okay and that she loved me more than I knew. I’d stand in the yard and watch her turn the corner. Then she was gone again. I’d wait there like a fool for the longest time hoping she’d come back around that corner and stay with me. If I would have known three months ago it was going to be the last time I’d see my baby, I would’ve held on to her and never let go.

“Find her, Grey,” said Karla, reaching over and squeezing his hand. “Bring her home to me.”

He walked off the plane and headed for the terminal. Through the large windows he could see the team gathered in the lobby. Before he reached the doors, he stopped and turned to watch the jet taxi onto the runway. A few moments later, he felt an arm wrap around his. With eyes glassed over, he bit his lower lip as Abby looked up at him.

“Are you okay?” said Abby.

“No,” said Grey, pulling her in closer. “But I will be.”

Hi, Dad,

It’s late, but I wanted to stay up a bit longer and write to you. I know it may seem silly scribbling a letter for you in my journal, but I believe wherever you are you’ll be able to read it. In my mind, it makes it more real if I put it down on paper instead of just thinking about you. I have a feeling you’re going to get a lot of these.

I remember what you told me when we were floating in the pool the night after Dawson’s mother died. You showed me how to find the North Star, and you told me that’s where you’d be if anything happened to you. You said you’d be there watching over me and mom. I know I was twelve when you said it, but you have no idea how many times over the past three months I’ve looked up and thought about that night.

Now that I’m older, I think I know what you really meant. It’s not that you’re sitting in a lawn chair on the North Star and watching us. It’s that you’re everywhere now. You can watch over us wherever we are.

When Dawson pulls into the driveway, I can see you sitting there beside him. I can see both of you spending hour after hour in the garage making that old, rusted truck beautiful again. When I play one of your favorite songs, I can hear you singing at the top of your lungs in the backyard with Kasey howling beside you. Mom would be inside laughing and shaking her head. When I look in the mirror, I can see your face in mine. With every heartbeat, I can still feel yours. It’s how I choose to deal with you not being here anymore.

I want you to know that Dawson and Tyler have been amazing. You’d be so proud of them, Dad. They’re taking very good care of your girls. They’ve been working like dogs fixing up the place and helping us settle in, just like you did when we first moved to Boudreaux.

After only a few weeks, they’ve transformed everything ugly into something beautiful. They’ve replaced all of the windows and doors and yanked up that hideous green carpet. They’ve patched and painted every wall and refinished all of the hardwood floors. Dawson is working on the kitchen this week and says he’ll be finished by Sunday. He really can fix anything. He told me he learned how from you.

Tyler even planted a row of flowers that go around the entire house. I told him he didn’t have to do that, but he said that he knew how much Mom loved flowers. I know I give him a lot of grief about being so clingy, but he really does have a good heart. I don’t know what we would do without them right now.

They keep telling me they’re doing all of this because they made a promise to you the first day that you met them. I don’t remember that part, but I do remember you telling Tyler you were going to punch him because he tried to kiss me. He really did think you were going to fight him, Dad. He still loves to tell that story at school.

He’d kill me if he ever read this, but I was looking for Dawson after your funeral. I knew he was somewhere in the old house, and I wanted to talk to him about your tools. I knew that you would want him to have all of them. I looked out my window and saw him sitting alone in his truck. His forehead was on the steering wheel and he was crying. He kept looking around to make sure nobody was watching him. I’ve never seen him cry, Dad. Ever. Not even that day his dad hit him. That just shows you how much you mean to all of us.

You always made me feel safe, and you did the same for them. I don’t think I ever told you how scared I was when you ran down the street after Tyler. Mom took me inside and tried to explain what was going on and that you were going to be okay. I was so proud of you when you came back with them and let them stay with us. You were always my hero, and then you became theirs.

I don’t think I can look at this new place as our home. I’m trying, but I can’t. Mom said it was more manageable and would be easier for us to take care of, but I know the real reason.

She looks at you being everywhere differently than I do. It reminds her that you’re gone and that you’re not coming back. She sees your clothes and knows that you can’t wear them anymore. She sees your bed and knows when she wakes up you won’t be there beside her. She sees our kitchen table and knows you’re never going to have dinner with us again. Sometimes I think I remind her of you more than anything else. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing right now. I just wish she could see things the way I do.

I’m really worried about her. I cried so hard and so long when you died that it felt like my soul didn’t have any tears left. But most of the times I cried were because I was thinking about something we did together. As crazy as it sounds, a few times I’d start laughing while I was crying because you’re such a goofball. I’d remember the thousands of times you’d try to embarrass me in front of my friends and we’d just roll our eyes. You’re still the coolest dad I know, but you’ll always be a goofball to me. When Mom cries, it’s different. It’s horrible because it’s full of nothing but pain and anguish.

It’s not your fault, Dad. I know that you didn’t want to leave us. It’s just that she loves you so much, and she doesn’t know what to do without you. I’m not sure if I do either, but I know we have to figure it out. You were her everything.

I’m trying to stay positive, but this is so hard. You were the one I always went to when I was sad or confused. You’d stop whatever you were doing and we’d take Kasey for a long walk. You’d hold my hand and you would talk to me like I was an equal, not a kid. When you wanted me to really listen to you, you’d stop and kneel down so we’d be eye to eye. You helped me make sense of the things that I didn’t understand.

I don’t know where to go for that now. You’re not going to be happy with me, but I’m a little angry at Mom. It’s like I can’t be sad around her or she’ll shut down completely. If I’m having a bad day and I can’t stop myself from crying because I miss you, she’ll take one of her pills and lay on the couch. I need her to help me, but she can’t right now. All she needs next to her are those pills. For weeks after it happened, I’d hear her cry herself to sleep every night. She doesn’t cry at all anymore. I can’t figure out which one is worse.

I’m sorry, Dad. I shouldn’t have written that. I know she’s lost and doing the best she can. You two were together a very long time even before I came along. Everything that was familiar to her is gone. Every routine has changed. For the longest time, she still made you breakfast and did your laundry. She would take clean clothes out of your closet and wash them again and again.

Sometimes she forgets that you’re gone. I think the pills have a lot to do with that. I’d come home from school and there would be three place settings on the table. Later in the afternoon she’d look at the clock and ask me if you had said anything about working late. I would just tell her no and then go to my room until she figured it out. A few times I’d hear her on the phone trying to call you at work. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t.

There’s a counselor at school that I’ve talked to a few times about Mom. I just tell her that she’s grieving, but she’s getting a little better every day. I feel bad that I’m not telling her the whole truth, but I believe with all my heart that Mom is going to be okay. My grades are still good, so don’t worry about that. I can handle all of this.

Mr. Kramer told me last week that I have a very good chance of getting that academic scholarship to LSU if I hold my GPA. He’s even helping me with all of the paperwork that you started for me. It gives me something to look forward to because I know how hard you worked to save for my college fund. If I get the scholarship, I can use all of the money you saved for beer. Just kidding, Dad!

I guess the point of this letter is to let you know that we’re all going to be fine. What keeps me going is that I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you. I’m going to be an LSU Tiger, and I’m going to chase all of those dreams that we talked about while floating in our pool and walking Kasey. And I promise you I’ll take care of Mom.

Okay, this is turning into a novel instead of a letter. I just looked at the clock, and it’s getting very late. I want to end this on a positive note, but I have to tell you this is the worst part of the day for me.

It’s the time when the house is quiet and I’m trying to drift off to sleep. The only things around me are my thoughts. Sometimes in that weird space between awake and asleep, I see you. I see you coming into my room to tell me goodnight like you’ve done a million times before. My heart races and it wakes me up because I want to tell you about the horrible nightmare I just had. When I realize that the nightmare is true and you’re gone, sometimes it hurts just as bad as if you died yesterday.

I hope you’re sitting on that star knowing how much I love you. I should’ve told you more often when you could hear my voice. I miss you every day and I always will. I’ll always be your little bug.