Stubborn Love (4 page)

I do up my belt before I
lean down, slide my arms under Mia’s body and pick her up. She doesn’t wake as
I hold her against me and I stop for a second, just watching her sleep. She is
so fucking beautiful and right now, she looks more vulnerable than ever. Some
kind of protective instinct kicks in as I hold her in my arms and in this second,
I know I would and will do anything to keep her safe.

Sighing, I slowly walk
towards the spare room where I put her to bed, covering her with the blanket.
She still doesn’t wake up, curling herself into a ball under the covers. I walk
back out to the kitchen and grab
her a
glass of water
before walking back to the spare room where I leave it beside her on the side
table. I stand beside the bed for a minute, just watching her sleep and
reminding myself that it was the right thing to do. Then I lean down and gently
kiss her cheek.

“Don’t ever think that I
don’t want you Mia,” I whisper against her skin. “Because I do, more than
you’ll ever know.”

Then I quietly walk out of
the room and shut the door.

Today, 12:24am – Mia

Ash has gone to bed. I’ve
spent the last thirty minutes sitting on the couch by myself, thinking about
what she said to me again.
She’s right
,
I know she is
. Everything she said makes so much sense, but
it still doesn’t make what I have to do any easier. I wish I could just magic
the last year away, that I could somehow go back to the day Jared showed up at
my door and do everything so differently. But I can’t, there are no do-overs,
only second chances and right now, I’m working hard to convince myself to try
for that second chance before the only thing that’s left is regret.

Eventually, I get up off
the couch and head back to the bathroom. I take a quick shower, thinking about
everything that happened in here earlier this evening when Jared and I crashed
into each other. I know something is still there between us. It probably never
left, certainly not for me and I think not for him either. I know I saw it in
his eyes when we were pressed together. Just thinking about how close we’d been
makes my skin tingle. When I get out, I tie my wet hair into a messy bun; pull
on some sweats and head to my room, leaving the door open so I don’t miss my
opportunity.

I’m sitting in here with
the light off when I hear Luke and Jared finally come home. My heart
immediately starts pounding in my chest and I wonder if I’m really going to be
able to do this. The door is still open and I see the two of them walk in and
glance around, trying to work out if we’re home or not. I hear Luke say
goodnight to Jared, and walk into his room, and then I watch as Jared stands in
the living room for a minute, almost as if he’s unsure about what to do. He
glances over towards my room and I wonder if he can see me, sitting on the bed,
waiting for him. The temptation to call out, to ask him to come in here, is so
strong, but the words are stuck in my throat. But I hope, can almost believe,
that he is standing there, waiting for me to do it and all I have to do is open
my mouth and speak.

Jared starts to move,
heading towards my room and all at once, my heart isn’t just pounding in my
chest, it’s practically smashing through my ribs. He’s coming in here. He’s
seen me waiting for him, heard my silent pleas and he’s doing what I can’t and
coming in here. But as he gets closer to the door, I watch as he walks straight
past it without so much as a look in my direction. When he reaches his room, he
walks in, slamming the door without looking back.

I have to get up off the
bed. I have to go in there and talk to him. I have to do this because I want to
and I need to.

I want
him
,
I need
him
.
I want what was between us back in the bathroom, even if it was for just one
second, I want that back.

God, I miss him. I miss
him so badly that it physically hurts. A deep ache, which permanently lives
inside my chest, has lived there ever since I pushed him away. I know I’ve
messed things up and I know I have a lot to be sorry for, but I want him to
know that I am sorry. I want to ask for his forgiveness. I want to try and fix
things, no matter how hard it’s going to be.

Move Mia.

I take a deep breath,
psyching myself up. “Come on Mia,” I say to the empty room.

I get up off the bed,
leave my room and walk over to his bedroom door, flinging it open without even
bothering to knock. The door bounces off the wall, startling us both. Jared is
half undressed, his shirt on the floor and the top button of his jeans undone,
his fingers halfway down the zipper.

“Mia!” he says,
straightening but making no move to cover himself up.

It wouldn’t matter anyway.
I’ve seen it all before. I’ve seen it, I’ve touched it,
I’ve
run my fingers, lips and tongue all over it. I’ve known every inch of his body
in the best possible way.

And I want to know it that
way, all over again.

I take a step towards him,
his hands still frozen on his jeans. He’s watching me the whole time. He looks
half scared almost, but there’s something else in his eyes too. The same thing
I saw back in the bathroom earlier tonight. The same thing I know is in mine
right now.

Want.

As I get closer, my eyes
drop to the ring that’s threaded through his left nipple. “That’s new,” I
whisper, my fingers automatically reaching out to touch it, his nipple
hardening as soon as I do.

The groan that comes from
Jared’s chest is like nothing I’ve ever heard before and my eyes immediately
snap back to his face. His beautiful blue eyes are so dark now, they are almost
entirely black pupils, and I can see the pulse of his heart as it beats rapidly
along the artery running down the side of his neck. I want to run my tongue
along it, want to feel his racing heart against my lips.

“Yeah,” he finally gets
out, his voice a low rumble.

My hand drops from his
chest, but I don’t move away from him. I picture myself pulling him towards me
and putting my mouth around that ring, gently tugging on it with my teeth,
sucking on it, kissing it before kissing even lower. My eyes close as the image
forms and I take another step towards him.

Jared clears his throat
and my eyes snap open again, reality smacking me hard in the face. I know I
can’t do that yet; there are things that need to be said first.

“Can we talk, we need to…”

“I need a shower Mia, I
need to take a shower,” Jared says, cutting me off. He pulls off his jeans now
without even bothering to hide from me as he stands there in his boxer briefs
and socks.

I don’t even try to look
away, because I can’t. I can’t stop looking at what I want, what I haven’t had,
for so long now. What I know I need, more than anything else in the world. My
stomach flips at how beautiful he is. Is it possible that he is even more
beautiful than I remember?

“Jared…I…”

But I don’t get a chance
to finish because he stalks past me and walks out of the room again. Before I
can say another word or move another step closer, he walks away. I hear the
bathroom door slam shut and I can’t help but wonder if that sound is symbolic.
If it’s the sound of him, shutting me out for good. That maybe Ash is wrong and
it’s too late to save us and he really isn’t interested in me anymore.

My chest starts to hurt
even more, that ache spreading throughout my whole body as I start to realise
the full extent of what I’ve done, how much I have hurt him. Back then I
thought I was doing the right thing. But now I know, it couldn’t have been more
wrong.

I have really fucked this
up. Deep down I’ve always known that, known I have probably ruined it beyond
all salvation. It’s what I did, what I always used to do. And this time, it’s
no different because I’m the one who ended it. I’m the one who threw away the
best thing that had ever happened to me.

But I want to start again,
I want us to start again and I need to explain to him, to make him understand
why I did what I did. But most of all, he needs to understand that
this time
I’m going to fight for it,
this time I’m not throwing away the one thing, the one person I want more than
anything else in the world.

So I kill the light, step
further into his room and take a seat on his bed. I tuck my legs underneath me
and I sit and I wait for Jared to come back. Hoping more than anything that he
will.

Five years ago – Jared

I’m making coffee in the
kitchen when Mia walks in. It’s just after ten o’clock and I’m already running
late for work.

“Hey,” I say, turning to
look at her.

She’s still in the clothes
I put her to bed in. Her hair is all over the place in a way that almost makes
me laugh because of how ridiculous it looks, and her eyes are bloodshot. In
other words, she looks completely
hungover
.

“Coffee?” I ask, when it
becomes apparent she isn’t going to respond like she normally does.

I watch as she nods yes
without looking at me.

“You want some aspirin
too?” I ask, desperate for her to say something, anything.

Mia nods again before she
jumps up to take a seat on the counter, wincing at the movement. I grab some
aspirin from above the fridge before I make her some coffee. As I’m about to pour
creamer into it, I see her shake her head.

“Black?” I ask, trying to
catch her eye.

Mia nods again and I am
about to reach my fucking breaking point. I can’t tell if she’s not speaking to
me because of embarrassment, her hangover, or both. As I put her cup of coffee
on the counter beside her, I stand in front of her and stick my finger under
her chin, tilting her head up and forcing her to look at me.

“You alright?” I ask.

Mia blinks before the
slightest blush crosses her cheeks. My finger is still resting under her chin
and her eyes are flicking between mine and anywhere else in the room, as if she
can’t decide whether she wants to look at me or not.

“Hangover,” she eventually
mumbles.

I keep watching her. Watch
as her eyes refuse to meet mine now, as the blush on her cheeks deepens. I’m
guessing this means she remembers everything that happened last night, that she
isn’t just
hungover
, she’s embarrassed and avoiding
me too.

I remove my finger from
her chin and hold out my other hand. “Take these,” I say, putting the aspirin
into her palm when she opens it.

I feel a jolt of
electricity race up my arm as her fingers close around mine. I reluctantly take
my hand away. It takes everything in my power not to just step closer, slide my
hand around her waist so I can pull her against me and kiss her. Start up everything
I put a stop to last night. But then she turns away, pulling her eyes from mine
as she grabs her coffee and throws the aspirin back.

“Thanks,” she says as she
hops off the counter and walks out of the kitchen without looking back.

I hear the bathroom door
close, the sounds of the shower starting up as I’m left standing alone in the
kitchen. I want to say something to her to make this right, to make her realise
that me turning her down last night had
nothing
to do with her and
everything
to do
with me. That I only said no to her because I didn’t want to do anything with
her when she was so drunk she had no idea what she was doing. Because I’ve had
too many of those experiences myself to ever inflict one on her.

I don’t want it to be like
that with Mia. I want what ever is there, waiting to happen between us, to be
real. Because at the moment, the feelings I have for her are the most real
thing I have ever felt.

But I can’t because what
I’m left with
is
me, standing alone with no one to say
all these things to and a coffee to drink before I have to go to work.

By the time I get home,
the apartment is in darkness, the only light coming from the TV quietly playing
in the living room.

“Hey,” I hear Luke say as
I walk in.

I nearly drop my fucking
guitar when I hear his voice, something that might be guilt momentarily
flashing through me. “Hey, you’re still awake. How you feeling?”

“Yeah, okay thanks. How
was work?” he asks.

“Same, busy,” I answer,
heading into the kitchen. “You want anything?”

“Nah I’m good,” Luke says.

I open the fridge to grab
a beer, but find myself standing, staring at the almost empty shelf instead.
Shit, Mia and I really did drink a lot last night; no wonder things got so
fucked up. A part of me wonders if I should say something to Luke or if I
should just act like last night with Mia never happened. Has she said something
to him? What the fuck would I even say anyway, nothing really happened when you
think about
it.
I mean apart from the kissing, Mia’s
hands on my dick, and Mia asking me to sleep with her. And let’s not forget me
shutting her down, her passing out and me putting her to bed. No, nothing
happened at all.

“Fucking idiot,” I mutter
to myself before I reach in, grab a beer and head back to the living room.

Luke is still sitting on
the couch watching some crime show on TV, the sound turned down so low, I can
barely hear it.

“Head still hurt?” I ask
him, taking a seat

“Yeah, but not as bad as
before.”

“Good. Mom did say it
would probably take a couple of weeks before it’s back to normal,” I tell him,
knowing he knows all of this already.

“Yeah.”

We sit in silence for a
bit. I want to ask him where Mia is, whether he’s seen her today and if she’s
okay now. But I don’t quite know how
to
. I don’t think
I have anything to feel guilty about, do I?

“You and Mia have a few
last night?” Luke suddenly asks as I lift the bottle to my mouth.

“What?” I say, nearly
choking on a mouthful of beer.

“You two have a few drinks
last night?” Luke asks, turning to look at me now. “Mia seemed pretty
hungover
today, that’s all.” His voice is neutral and in
the darkness it’s hard to read his face, but I don’t think he knows.

I exhale before taking
another sip of my beer, slower this time so I don’t choke on it. “Yeah, we did.
I think she needed to let off some steam, you know.”

I turn back and face the
TV, unable to look at Luke in case he sees that I’m lying. Well not exactly
lying, but not exactly telling him the whole truth either. I’m not even sure
whether that falls under the lying category or not.

“Thank you Jared,” Luke
says quietly.

“For what?” I ask,
genuinely surprised as I turn to look at him. The TV flashes and I catch a
glimpse of his face, which is still a train wreck. It makes me wince as though
I’ve taken the hit myself, every time I look at it. I still can’t believe his
own father did that to him.

“For calling her and
telling her what happened,” Luke says. “For, you know, everything.”

“It was nothing dude,” I
say, not sure where he’s going with this. “The least I could do anyway.”

“Yeah it was Jared, and
you know it. So, thank you.”

I quickly down the rest of
my beer before standing up. “You’re welcome,” I tell him, suddenly wanting to
get the fuck out of here before this conversation goes somewhere I’m not ready
to deal with. “I’m
gonna
go to bed. I’m glad you’re
feeling better.”

I take a quick shower
before heading into my room where I turn on some music and climb into bed. I’m
tired and
hungover
myself, but mostly I’m exhausted
from last night and this morning. From trying to make sense of what happened
with Mia and wondering if she really is okay. I really want to talk to her
about what happened, but I’m starting to think that’s going to be next to
impossible, given how well trying to talk to her about her dad went last night.

I’ve been lying in bed
staring at the ceiling for the last hour trying to work out what to do, when my
phone sounds with an incoming text message.

Hey you.

I’m so shocked when I read
it, that I actually look up, as though I’m expecting Mia to be standing in the
doorway or something. She isn’t of course, so I quickly text back:
Hey yourself.

I wait impatiently for her
to write something back to me. A full minute passes without a response. I’m
about to text her again when my alert goes off.

Sorry about…you know

I run my hand through my
hair. So, I was right, she does remember what happened last night. Not really
surprising given the way she was acting this morning. I text back:
are you ok?

Her response comes back
quicker this time:
hungover
...embarrassed.

I write back, trying to
reassure her:
don’t be, nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Mia’s next words make me
feel like shit:
easy for you to say.

I want her to know that I
mean it. I want her to come in here so I can tell it to her face, reassure her
that I’m not sorry she pulled the moves on me, I’m only sorry I had to say no.
I text her back again:
I mean it.
Wanna
talk?

Mia texts me again:
aren’t we?

I exhale loudly, taking a
chance:
face to face
?

As soon as I hit send, I
wait, watching my phone and willing the text alert to come up again. But the
next noise I hear is a knock at my door.

“Yeah?”

The door opens a few
inches and Mia’s face peeks through. “Can I come in?”

“Of course you can.” I sit
up in bed as she walks in. I’m not wearing a shirt, and it crosses my mind that
I should put one on, given what we’re about to talk about. Mia is dressed in a
UCLA t-shirt and boxer shorts and she looks fucking gorgeous. I watch as she
walks towards my bed and sits on the end of it, crossing her legs under her
like she always does.

“You alright?” I ask her
again.

She shrugs at me now, but
doesn’t look away this time.

“You have nothing to be
sorry for Mia,” I tell her. “A lot of shit has gone down over the last few days
and…” And I’m not really sure what else to say.

She shrugs at me again and
I don’t know if she’s agreeing with me or she’s not sure herself. We sit,
neither of us saying anything now. Mia is playing with the blanket and I’m not
really sure what to do. Why do I get so fucking tongue tied around this girl?

Eventually, Mia speaks,
“I’m really sorry about last night, Jared. I was drunk, but it’s no excuse for
what I did.” She’s playing with the ends of her hair now, wrapping it around
her fingers.

I take a deep breath,
knowing I need to speak; that I need to let her know it’s okay. “There’s
nothing to apologise for, I promise,” I tell her. “Like I said, a lot’s
happened, sometimes you need to let off some steam. God knows I’ve done…” I’m
about to say, dumb things when I’ve been drunk, but I don’t want her to think
that what happened or was about to happen between us, was dumb.

“Yeah but it’s no excuse
for what I did, what I tried to do,” she says, thankfully not giving me a
chance.

I look at her and watch as
Mia blushes and looks away. I can’t help but think back to any other time a
girl has thrown her drunken ass at me. I’ve said no to them in the past, but
not all of them, and not necessarily that often. Some, I just wasn’t interested
in; some were crashing a guy’s night out. But Mia is definitely the first drunk
girl I’ve said no to, who I actually wanted to sleep with. And strangely
enough, that’s exactly why I did say no to her.
Because I
don’t want just a drunken night with Mia.
I don’t want a one-night
hook-up. Because I’m interested in her, most definitely, but I’m interested in
her, like long-term type interested in her. And I certainly don’t want to fuck
that up with any drunken misunderstandings, even though it seems as though that
might have already happened.

“Do you
wanna
talk about it?” I ask her instead, hoping.

“Not really,” she answers,
staring at her hands. “I think I’d rather just pretend it never happened.”

I smile, even though she
isn’t looking at me. Although I haven’t known her that long, I now know this is
typical of Mia. Ignore the problem, put a wall around it and hope it will go
away. She doesn’t, but I do want to talk about last night. I want her to know
why I said no and that if she asked me right now, I’d only be saying yes to
her. But I also know there’s a bigger problem that caused last night, the
problem she still refuses to talk about at all.

“Do you want to talk about
what happened with your dad, Mia?” I try.

Mia smiles now and finally
looks at me again. “Can’t we just talk about something else, something
completely different?” she asks, hopeful.

“Sure,” I say, even though
I know she is once again avoiding it. But at least we’re talking again and to
be honest, right now, I’d rather that than trying to force her to talk about
something she doesn’t want to talk about. God, I’m such a fucking pussy.

Mia smiles at me now,
before a shiver runs through her. I realise she must be freezing sitting on the
end of my bed dressed like that, so I scoot over and pull back the covers for
her, indicating she should slide under it.

“What?” she asks,
surprised as she rubs her hands up and down her arms. I can see the goose bumps
from here.

“You’re cold,” I say. “Get
in.”

She stops moving now as
though she actually is frozen. She’s looking at me like she’s about to say no,
and I can’t help but hold my breath as I wait to see whether she does.

“Thanks,” she eventually
whispers as she crawls forward and slides under the covers. We lie down, heads
on separate pillows and I pull the blanket up so we are covered to our chests.
We are both staring up at the ceiling with a foot of space between us that
feels more like a mile. We don’t talk at first; the only sound in the room is
the music that’s playing, filling the empty space between us. I can’t even hear
Mia breathing. I do hear the soft laugh she finally lets out though.

“What?” I ask, turning my
head on the pillow to look at her.