Stronger than You Know (12 page)

TWENTY-TWO

Better than therapy

When I lift my head out of my hands, I'm still on the toilet. Hours I guess, and no one has bothered me. All I want is that strong feeling again.

That's what I'll do. Aunt Nicole won't stop me. Not right now. I change for kung fu and jog out the door. I bring my new phone but don't talk to anyone in the house, don't tell them where I'm going.
This
is freedom.

I run all the way there. Away from the house, and away from the frustration.

“Whatcha doin' here today?” Daisy's smile is wide when I walk in.

“Needed to get out.” That's simple enough.

“Problems with the parents?” She looks at me sideways with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Today her bleached hair is braided into two long braids.

Right. Problems with parents or the people you live with is normal. “Yes.”

“Well, the main room is being used for a karate workshop today, but I was about to lift some weights. Come with me. I can spot for you, and you can spot for me.”

“Spot?” I'm clueless.

She laughs at my lack of knowledge as I follow her into the weight room, and she gestures to a bench. “Let's get started.”

Lifting weights is so different than forcing my body to hold a certain position like in kung fu class. No matter how much I hurt or how determined I am, I just don't have the muscles I need. But each push of my legs on the press gives me some relief, and each strain of my arms on the bench makes me stronger. Daisy changes the weights between me and her. She's been doing this her whole life and lifts a lot more. Occasionally, my phone beeps with new messages, but I'm not ready to deal with them—the messages or the people they might be from.

I'm a sweaty mess, and my arms and legs feel like rubber again, but the workout was all me, and that feels fantastic.

My phone dings again, but I don't answer.

“You know what?” Daisy stops and sets down her weights.

“What?”

“If you keep ignoring the calls, things will just get worse.” She gestures to my phone. “Trust me.”

“It's different when they're the ones who screwed up.” But they cared enough to try and reach me. That's something.

She laughs. “Nope. Parents never think they screw up, just us. I don't care if you don't answer. I'm just saying it'll be less pretty by the hour.”

I sigh, climb off the bench, and pick up the phone, checking my texts first.

One from Justin.
I want to see you. What's going on?

Three from Uncle Rob.
Joy, please call.

I'm starting to get scared. Please call.

If you don't want to talk send a message so I know you're okay.

Now I feel guilty. I can imagine how torn up he'd be. He didn't want to leave me alone. He sat with me all night and took one of my crazy pills and … I'm almost in tears as I reply.

I'm okay. Sorry. Just mad. Not ready to come back
, and hit Send.

“Do you need to get back?” Daisy asks.

“Not right now.” I'm not ready to face them. I'm still too angry at Aunt Nicole, and I feel guilty about Uncle Rob.

My phone beeps immediately.

Thank you, Joy. Please call when you're ready to talk or ready for a ride. I promise I'm not mad. Just scared.

It's kind of amazing he admitted that.

I reply:
Need a little more time. I feel better.

“So, you wanna come back to my house?” Daisy asks.

“I …”

“Come, on Joy. You're looking for a place to be for a while. What do you want to do?” She wags her brows.

“Can I do your hair?” I ask. After spending the day with her, I know exactly what her hair should be like.

“What?” Her eyes get wide. “Isn't that a little girly girl?”

“I think the top of your hair should be black, like near your part.” I point. “And the blond should be underneath. If you want pink, I'm pretty sure I can figure it out.” And I know how I'll cut it if she'll let me.

“So, you, uh, know what you're doing, huh?” She walks toward me.

I shrug.

“Awesome. Hair it is. Let's ditch this place.”

“Daisy! Someone named Tara's here for you!” her mom calls up to Daisy's room.

“Oh.” Daisy looks at me. “My guess is she's here for you. Is that okay? Or do you want to hide?”

“It's fine.”

“Well, at least you got my hair done.” She swishes her head back and forth a few times, laughing.

Daisy looks just like I imagined—black hair on top and around her face, while the bright blond and pink stripes fall from underneath the dark.

“Wow, Joy got you too, huh?” Tara's eyes are on Daisy as she walks in.

“Sorry, Tara,” I say. “You didn't need to come searching for me or anything.”

Tara shakes her head. “I don't blame you. I get why Mom said something, but she was still out of line. Dad had a fit, though. He was really worried.”

Guilt tugs at me and I look at the floor while I gather my thoughts.

“He just worries more 'cause of his …”

“Sister. I know.” I stare at my feet. The whole situation sucks because I didn't mean to really hurt any of them. I decide it's stupid that I'm staring at the floor and look at Tara.

“He told you that?” Her eyes are wide.

“I think he wanted me to know why he was so worried about me.” There's a moment of silence as Tara and I stare at each other.

“Okay. What's going on here?” Daisy asks.

“Nothing,” Tara and I say at the same time.

“So, something you don't want to talk about.” She smirks and tosses her hair in front of the mirror a few more times.

“I'm crazy,” I tell her. “So they worry about me too much.” There. It's an answer suited for Daisy because it's brutally honest.

“I see.” She chuckles. “I could have told them that.”

“You wanna come home?” Tara asks. “Or …” Her forehead wrinkles in worry.

“Did they send you out after me?” I let out a sigh.

“No. I was worried,” she explains. “It didn't take me long to find you, but Justin is worried too.”

“Well.” I take a step toward the door. “Thanks, Daisy. You're awesome.”

“You. Are. Awesome.” She throws her arms around me. I hug her back because … Because I guess we're friends.

“Ready?” Tara asks.

“I guess.” I wonder how much trouble I'm going to be in …

I text Justin in the car.
I'm found. No worries.
And hit Send.

“
Are
you okay?” Tara asks.

“I'm really sick of people asking that.” I pull my feet up onto the seat and stare out the window.

“I know. It's just that I like having you in our house. I mean, if Lydia gets too worried about you, she could …”

“Could what?” My feet are back on the floor and I'm staring hard at Tara with a million possible scenarios running through my head.

“There was talk at first of how maybe you should be in a hospital for a while or something. Mom and Dad begged for you to come to our house.”

So they didn't just take me in, they
fought
for me. I'm completely overwhelmed. I slump back in the seat.

“Guess I overreacted, huh?” I ask.

“Umm … I don't know. I don't know your story, and I don't know what Mom told Justin. But she feels really bad about it.” Tara bites her lip.

“Thanks.” Only now I have a lot more to think about.

TWENTY-THREE

I have no idea if this means I'm moving backward or forward—maybe I'm just running in circles

“So, you finally find someone at your school you want to talk to, and it's a boy. Is that right?” Lydia's holding in a smile.

“And Aunt Nicole told him things she shouldn't have.” I still ache over the thought of how her words can't be undone.

“And this is why you've missed the last two days of school, and why you won't speak to her, and why your cousin, Tara, is the one that brought you today. Is that right?”

I hate that I read her well enough to hear the disapproval in her voice.

When she puts everything all in the same sentence like that, I sound like I'm totally overreacting. “It wasn't her story to tell.”

“I get the impression from her that she told him only what she needed to because she knew you liked him. She thought some of your history would help him understand you, and that maybe he would be more careful in the future.” Lydia's normally very good at keeping her voice even, but today I get the impression she's on my aunt's side.

My eyes narrow. “I thought you weren't a message runner between us.” Lydia's mentioned a few times that I need to tell my new family my story, not run what I want or need from them through her. It was a serious issue when I first moved in and didn't want to talk to anyone. Lydia refused to be a go-between.

“You need to know her reasons. You won't talk to her. And no, I'm not happy about running messages from her to you.” She crosses her arms.

“But she—”

“Then sit down with her and talk about it.”

“Fine.” Now
I
cross my arms. So we'll just sit here, arms crossed, and stare at each other.

“Now, I want to talk about Justin.”

“And I want to talk about how you wanted me in an institution.” I tighten my jaw and force myself to keep my eyes on her.

She takes a deep breath. “I didn't want you in there unless you needed to be. Okay?”

I nod, only partially satisfied.

“Justin.”

“What about him?” I ask.

“You're terrified of men, Joy. You don't like your cousin, Trent, and you were scared of your Uncle Rob. All of this is completely understandable, and things you're overcoming. My curiosity here is why are you working toward a relationship with a boy that involves more than friendship?” Her voice is back to the relaxed calm she does so well.

“I …” I don't know. I just like being around him.

“Give that some thought. I'm not saying spending time with Justin is a bad thing, just think a bit about what you're doing,
okay?”

“Okay.” She's right. I need to talk to Aunt Nicole. I need to talk to Justin. I'm just not sure how, and I
am
still frustrated that a crappy situation between me and Justin turned into this huge mess with my family.

When me and Tara get home, Aunt Nicole sits alone in the dining room. Her hands are folded on the table and she's looking out onto the street.

“Hey.” I lean against the doorway.

“Hi.” Her eyes meet mine. “Would you come sit?” she asks.

I step in and take a chair at the table with her. “I know you were trying to help. We just never talked about what to say to friends, and …”

“And we should have.” She stares down at her hands. “Rob was really upset.”

Oh no. “I don't want to cause any problems between you two. That wasn't—”

“No.” She holds a hand up. “He was right. Rob and I have learned to work through things over the years. We're totally fine.”

“I don't mind you telling people that I used to live with my mom and that because of things she had going on, I had to come here. That's it. No one needs to know more than that.” I'm strong. I'm talking with Aunt Nicole and telling her what's okay with me. I have some control.

“I'm so sorry, Joy. It's hard for me to know I hurt you like that.”

“Maybe I overreacted. I don't know.” Only part of me feels like I overreacted; the other part of me is here because Lydia said I should be. “I felt stupid for running from Justin the way I did.”

“What did he … ?”

My cheeks heat up and I close my eyes. I'm not sure if I can talk about that.

“I'm sorry,” Aunt Nicole says. “That's private. I shouldn't …”

“He kissed me. One small one was okay, but …”

“And then it wasn't. But he's still around. That says a lot about him.”

“It does.” I nod. It says he's pretty awesome. I want to talk with him next. We've only exchanged texts, and after running away from him not once, but twice, we have a lot to talk about. I just need to figure out what to say.

TWENTY-FOUR

Definitely forward

Kung fu blocks out the stress of facing Justin again. It blocks out Aunt Nicole. Small white pills don't matter. My weaknesses don't matter. All that matters is that I can do this. Tara's next to me today, but she's checking out Brandon more than following stances. I've followed her eyes to that side of the room more than once, and Brandon's smiled at me more than once. Guess he's a nice guy. Tara probably shouldn't be so worried about talking to him.

The familiar burn in my legs isn't as strong as it was when I first started kung fu—I'm really gaining some strength. I stop thinking about Tara and how she likes Brandon, and I don't think about Daisy and how tough she is next to me. I just work. Hard. We're doing blocks now, and I'm fast. Faster than I realized. Daisy may be stronger than me, but she's barely faster—she probably doesn't have as much practice in blocking someone when it really counts.

Class feels longer than normal, but I make it to the end.

“Hey, Joy,” Daisy says as we finish up. “A few friends are having a little get together. You remember my house, right? You should come.”

“Tonight?” I ask. “It's a school night so I'm not sure how Uncle Rob would feel about me going out.”

“What if I promised to have you home by ten?” she asks. Her eyes go to Tara. “You should come too.”

Tara's eyes are elsewhere. “Yeah, maybe.”

“What's going on over here?” Uncle Rob asks. Brandon and Trent step up behind him.

“I was hoping that Joy could come hang at my house for a bit tonight,” Daisy says.

“Uh …”

“We'll all go,” Brandon rests his arm over Trent's shoulder. “Keep an eye on Joy.” He winks at me.

I look at Uncle Rob. I'd rather not be winked at when I don't know what Brandon could mean by it.

“Yeah.” Tara nods, steps closer, and smiles at Brandon. “We'll all go.”

“I guess.” Uncle Rob gives us each a stern look. “I'll be by to pick you up at ten.”

Wow. I feel so … free. “Okay, yeah, great.” And then I remember that Daisy is sort of famous for her parties, and I wonder what I'm in for.

Uncle Rob leans into me. “I'll slide a pill in your coat pocket. Keep your phone on you and call if you need anything, okay?”

“'Kay.” I feel a little like I'm being watched too carefully, but more like I'm
free
. And free in the good way—meaning I'm out and doing something with friends, and my aunt and uncle know where I am, and no one's mad at anyone else like they were when I disappeared the other day.

“I'll be outside Daisy's house at ten. If you don't want me knocking on the door or wandering through the yard calling your names”—he points to Tara and then to Trent—“be outside.”

This is it. We're going to a Daisy party.

Tara and I ride with Daisy. Trent and Brandon take Brandon's car. Tara fiddles with her hair the whole time and mumbles about how she wishes she wasn't sweaty.

I sit quietly in the back while Daisy screams the lyrics to a song that makes no sense and hurts my eardrums. I don't mind the singing though. It seems like such a Daisy thing to do that I soak up her happiness.

We pull into the driveway, and I climb out of the car. Her yard is so different at night.

Despite how dark the sky is, the fire and lights in the house illuminate sections of the massive lawn. Scattered trees run along a tall privacy fence that stops where the lake starts. I stare out at the water and the small reflections of yellow light from the other houses on shore.

Daisy grabs my hand and walks with me toward the fire.

I don't know if holding her this tight is good or bad, but sticking close to someone I trust is what I know to do.

“Hey, Joy.” Brandon laughs as he runs up behind us. He rests a hand on my shoulder.

I spin to look at him, Daisy's hand still firmly grasped onto mine.

“Watch out for Daisy—she has a cunning ability to make people do things they don't want to do.” He winks at her, smiles at me, and moves away. “If you need someone to watch out for you, I'm your guy.”

“He totally likes you,” Daisy whispers as we stop near the fire. She picks up a cup and takes a long drink.

I recognize the smell on Daisy's breath, alcohol for sure, but not beer. I'm okay with anything that's not beer.

“Well …” That sucks. It would be much simpler if he liked Tara. “I don't like him, so …” I shrug.

Daisy laughs. “My guess is that you're the only girl here who doesn't.”

Weird.

There are about fifty people our age scattered between the house and the fire pit, and I'm not the most comfortable I've ever been, but the party is no more startling and new than my first few days at school. If I can channel the tough girl from kung fu class, I'll be fine.

“Let's jump into the lake!” Daisy grabs my shoulders with her hands.

I stare at the large black hole that is her lake.

“No.” I shake my head. The only light out there comes from the few houses on the shore, and the whole scene—with the dark trees, black lake, and lawn lit by campfire— looks like the beginnings of a horror movie.

“Come
on
, Joy. No one ever does it with me.” She pouts.

Can I admit this? I lean toward her so no one else hears. “I can't swim.”

“It's okay,” she whispers back. “We'll use life jackets. Easy. They'll make us float.”

Easy. Right. My heart pumps faster and I'm actually considering following her, which is crazy. Completely insane, but I'm
choosing
if I want to or not—and that makes all the difference.

“Channel that kick-ass girl I know you are.” Her smile is wide. She drags me toward a small cabin near the dock. “For as much time as you can hold a horse pose, you can totally do this.”

“Isn't it freezing out here for this kind of thing?” I ask, but maybe she's right. Maybe I am tough enough for this. That would really be something.

“We're tough girls. We kick ass.” She laughs. “Just hold your breath when you go under and then kick your legs until your head pops back out of the water.” She hands me a life jacket.

Best to just jump in before I think too much. Probably.

I'm shaky but determined. Hold breath, kick, breathe again. I chant this over and over in my head as I buckle the life jacket. I can do horse stance. I can do this. I can do bow stance. I can do this. I can block. I can do this. I can be in kung fu and keep up. I'm so doing this.

“We're going in!” Daisy yells the direction of the campfire. “Any of you wimps joining us?”

A few kids laugh and come our way. They're all just shadows with the bonfire behind them lighting up their silhouettes.

Her eyes, wide with excitement, meet mine. “Come on. You ready?”

I can only nod. I'm going to do something I've never done, and I'm afraid, but I'm going to burn through the stress and jump into the dark lake at the end of the dock.

I'm stronger than my fear. Stronger than my fear …

A second small wave of panic sets in as we near the dock. I push it away. I'm tough enough to push it away. Strong enough. I stand at the edge of the dock with one foot still on the lawn, looking at the rows of wood boards between me and the water. My heart's beating so loud that it drowns out almost everything else.

“Best to run and get it over with. I'll hold your hand.” Daisy's jaw is set.

“No way you girls will go through with it!” A guy yells from behind us.

“That's our cue.” Her eyes narrow, and I see the face of determination she wears in kung fu. It's a mix of tight-jawed tough girl and mischievous smirk that probably only someone like Daisy could pull off.

Yeah. I can do this.
I'm stronger than my fear
.

Daisy starts to run, and I run with her. We're tough girls. I grasp her hand in a death grip.

We run past the lights on the side of the dock and the black water gets closer and closer. I falter once as the reality of jumping into a lake when I can't swim hits me again. But I'm stronger than that. Stronger than the dark. Stronger than the cold. Than the water. Than my fear.

I'm in control of this. I can do this. My legs push me forward, the boards make a rumbling, clacking noise underneath our feet, and then we're flying off the end of the dock into the air.

I did it.

I scream as I hit the icy water. It pricks every inch of skin and steals my breath. I kick my legs as hard as I can and let the life jacket pull me to the surface. Just like Daisy promised, my head pops out into the air.

My laugh is loud, excited. I'm shivering, but I did it. I made myself shiver. I made myself jump.
I have power to make things happen
.

“You're awesome, Joy!” Daisy throws her arms around me, and I sputter as the weight of her lowers me in the water.

“Get me to the dock! I'm freezing!” I laugh and spit lake water out of my mouth. And then I yell in excitement with the rush of what I just did. Amazing.

She swims us to the ladder. I kick awkwardly, paddle my arms, and grab the rails to pull myself up. I
am
a tough girl.

A hand reaches down and I take it to help on the last step. When I stand up, I come face to face with Brandon. It's so surprising to have him this close I nearly take a step back and end up in the lake again.

He grabs my elbow, keeping me upright, and he's chuckling. “I told you Daisy was trouble.”

I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out because Justin's walking up the dock, and the excitement and relief at seeing him pushes away everything else.

He's the guy I've run away from two times in a row, but I can't take my eyes off his shape moving toward me. I want to yell and throw my arms around him but instead I keep staring.

“You're so awesome!” Daisy attacks me from behind as she stands up on the dock. “No one ever jumps with me.
Ever!
”

“I've jumped with you.” Justin laughs as he comes to a stop in front of us, glancing more than once at Brandon, who's still standing too close.

“Once.” She rolls her eyes. “More than a year ago, when you were still
fun
.” She puts an arm over my shoulder. “Come on. You can borrow my clothes.”

“Uh …” Jumping in a cold lake I can do. Changing clothes in front of Daisy? That I can't do. “I'm headed home in a bit anyway, I'll just stand by the fire to warm up.”

She laughs. “Well, I'm freezing my ass off. I'll be back out in a sec.”

I stare at my feet, even though my body's starting to shiver. Nobody says anything, but Brandon follows Daisy off the dock, and I take a deep breath of relief. Brandon liking me would be really inconvenient.

The group that wandered toward the lake is heading back to the fire, and instead of worrying about being alone with Justin, I'm relieved.

“I can't believe you did that.”

I can just make out his crooked smile in the dark.

I'm even more proud of myself than I was a moment ago because the reality of what I just did is really starting to sink in. “Yeah, well, I'm a tough girl now.” I clutch the life jacket and my body shivers, but the shivering is something I did to myself. That makes all the difference.

“You've always been a tough girl.” He swings his body toward the shore. “Let's get you near the fire so you can get warm.”

Another round of shivers shakes my body, and I hold my arms like that'll miraculously smooth down my goose bumps.

“You're friends with Brandon?” he asks as we walk. But his voice sounds weird. Like something's wrong.

“I don't know him. He's Trent's friend, but he seems nice. Tara really likes him.” It's hard to talk because my teeth are chattering. I'm not sure if the fire will be enough to warm me up.

“You've got to be freezing.”

“I am.” I nod but then laugh. “Because I jumped in a lake. Did you know I can't swim?”

He shakes his head a little, his smile spreading even wider. “I didn't know that.”

I let out a breath and look behind me at the blackness of the lake. Only two people jumped off tonight and I was one of them. “That was amazing. Seriously amazing.”

“Good.” He frowns as my body convulses in another round of shivering. “I'm wearing two shirts. How about I give you one so you have something dry on top?”

“Where will I change?” I look around. We're outside in the dark. Nothing but lawn and campfire.

“I'll watch the door of the boathouse.” He jerks his chin in the direction of the small cabin.

Justin opens the door for me, tugs off the long-sleeve shirt he's wearing, and I step inside. It's so dark I can barely see the walls. I stand, cold and soaked, with Justin's T-shirt in my hand. My stiff fingers fumble with the life jacket buckles. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be half naked in here.

“You okay?” Justin asks from outside.

“Yeah. Just a sec.” Now I have to laugh at myself. I just jumped into a freezing lake, without knowing how to swim, and now I'm afraid to change. I rip off my wet T-shirt and slide on Justin's. It smells like him and still has his warmth. Suddenly he feels closer to me. Like we're next to each other.

My kung fu shorts are dripping wet, freezing, and clinging to my legs, but I don't mind.
I just jumped into a lake
. This makes me strong. Powerful. Awesome.

Justin and I sit on Daisy's front porch, waiting for Uncle Rob. My wet T-shirt sits on the ground in front of me, and a towel from the house is wrapped around my legs and wet shorts.

“I'm sorry for …” Justin starts.

I shake my head. “No. Don't be sorry for anything. I have enough sorry from my aunt and uncle to last me lifetimes.”