Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) (8 page)

A couple dozen.

What did I say? Did I tell him the truth? That he’d tapped into the wants and needs I’d buried for the entire time I’d been in the Army? To taste someone, and sink deep inside of them while strong hands gripped my sweaty back? Tell him it was impossible to not want him now that I knew how his voice went high and vulnerable when he came? That I thought he was beautiful?

Nothing seemed safe.

Several times three dots appeared as Kai typed, and stopped, and typed again. I wondered what he wanted to say. Typically, he fired off messages at a rapid-fire speed. But now? There was a lag between our replies.

I licked my lips, shifting on the bed. Were we really going here?

Where the hell had
that
come from? Before he could reply, my fingers were flying over the keyboard.

Kai

I’d fidgeted during the entire ride to the mall. The mall. For the love of God, I was going to the mall.

I shuddered and reminded myself I was going for Garrett. He was going to be on the receiving end of the most awesome care package ever if I could get through this trip. Shawn had volunteered to come along.

Sure, I could have ordered everything online but that felt like a cop-out. I wanted to hand pick everything in the hopes that it would absorb a little bit of whatever I was beginning to feel for him.

I was being weird and sappy. But this was the best I could do since I’d probably never see the guy in person

He thought I was brave, so I could go the fucking mall like a human, even if I’d nearly had a meltdown in the shower that morning. We were two hours later than we’d planned on leaving. Shawn had the patience of a saint.

He glanced at me. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said quickly. Too quickly. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Sure, I don’t have anything better to do.”

“It’s Saturday,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be, like, sharpening your basketball skills or making out or underage drinking?”

Shawn laughed. “That’s funny, Kai.”

I’d been serious.

“This guy must be a big deal if you’re willing to go to the mall and buy him stuff.”

A big deal. Yes, I guessed that was what Garrett was. Talking to him was the first regular human contact I’d had since I’d quit dancing. And he was the first guy to show interest in me, the real me, in about the same length of time.

“Yeah, I guess he is.” I pulled out the list I’d made, and smoothed it out on my thigh. “So, I researched things to send in care packages. They recommend baby wipes? Like lots of baby wipes. What’s that about?”

“I heard they use them to clean.”

“Themselves?”

“Yeah.”

I wrinkled my nose. But then, picturing Garrett all dirty and sweaty was hot. Okay, I could work with that. “Anyway, I need to get him a stuffed dog, and some candy, and socks and shirts.” I had a couple of games I’d demo’d and never played anymore I planned to throw in the box. And maybe a note.

As Shawn pulled into the massive parking lot, I took a deep breath. This was okay. I could do this. Social anxiety was something that had plagued me for as long as I could remember. But it’d always been manageable. When I was online, though, I didn’t feel my chest tighten or my shortening breaths. Everything was…easy online. And as my life had crumbled, I’d retreated online further and further until I could barely see my way out.

In my apartment, at my desk, that was where I felt most like myself. Most in control. Out here? Not so much. But the thought of Garrett grounded me a little, kept me from losing my shit completely.

I took a deep breath and unhooked my seatbelt after Shawn parked. He looked over at me. “Ready?”

“Steady,” I muttered, and opened the door.

The mall wasn’t as big as I remembered it. I wasn’t sure how long it’d been since I’d been there, but it’d been a bit, for sure. As I walked through it with Shawn at my side, I thought this wasn’t so bad. I held the paper clutched in my fist like a talisman because it reminded me of the reason I was here.

Money wasn’t really an issue for me. I hadn’t spent much money at all over the last couple of years on anything except rent, utilities, and food. And I made…a lot of money. Even I found it ridiculous how much money I made playing video games so other people could watch. Having money was something I didn’t take for granted. As a kid, I’d hated being dependent on adults for money when they couldn’t give two shits about me. I’d started working as soon as I was old enough, and had never stopped. I’d promised myself I’d never be dependent on another person again. And so far, I’d kept that promise. Today, I was glad as hell I could spend some of my cash on Garrett.

The first stop was a card store which had an entire wall of stuffed animals. I didn’t want to get a crappy kids’ one. I wanted the softest, cutest fucking stuffed dog I could find, damnit.

Shawn—again, a freaking saint—waited patiently while I picked random stuffed dogs off the wall. They all got the pet and hug test. One was too small, another too big. One had coarse hair, another had curly hair that reminded me of pubes. I told that to Shawn and must have spoken a little too loudly because an old lady in the birthday card section gave me a death glare.

Shawn snickered.

Finally, I found the perfect stuffed dog. It was of indeterminate breed. Garrett had said he’d be a mutt. This one had a black leather collar, and a definite furrowed brow like he was scowling. Like a little pissed-off plush. But it had the softest damn fur I’d ever felt and was incredibly squeezable.

“You have a huge smile on your face right now,” Shawn said as I paid for the dog.

“That’s because this whole care package was make or break depending on whether I found the perfect stuffed animal,” I said as the cashier handed me the bag.

“You’re weird,” Shawn said.

“Yep.” I glanced at my list on our way out of the store. “Okay, department store is next.”

In JCPenney’s, we bought socks and shirts—all suggested items for military care packages. I thought about getting him some boxers but decided that was maybe a little much.

There were a lot of things that were on care package idea lists that I knew Garrett would not like. I was pretty sure if I bought him
Sodoku
, he’d try it, get irritated and then throw it across the room. I also figured he’d flip a board game and break it over his knee.

So those were out.

The mall had a massive candy store, and I spent nearly thirty minutes buying as much as I could. At the dollar store, I grabbed the entire shelf of baby wipes. This box was going to be insane.

Just when I thought we were done, Shawn dragged me into GameStop for a new Xbox controller. Since he’d come with me I didn’t complain, but I was starting to feel a little antsy, like the roof was caving down on my head. Sweat slicked down my back and the sound of screaming children amplified. I raised my shoulders up above my ears as we passed a group of loud teenagers, but ordered myself to be cool. It was just one last store. No big deal.

In GameStop, I thought about buying something for Garrett but I wasn’t sure what he needed. I didn’t want to clutter up the small area he had to live in with crap he couldn’t use. I reasoned with myself that the dog was totally, absolutely needed.

While Shawn browsed used and new controllers, I checked out the wall of discounted games. A blond dude and his redheaded friend approached the wall and stood near my side. The blond picked up a copy of
FWO
. “You play this yet?”

“Nah. Heard it needed weekly patches just to get through the first twenty levels, and it’s still full of bugs.”

That was wrong. That was really wrong. There had only been one major patch to correct a glitch in the catacombs, and some minor issues with a quest mob not spawning. I bit my lip and focused on the games, but I had a hard time because
someone was wrong about
FWO.

“How about
Kill Zone?”
Blondie said.

“I played that over at Trace’s house. It’s good.”

Oh God, I was going to explode.
Kill Zone
was shit. Total shit. Graphics were shit, soundtrack was annoying as hell, and the gameplay was a choppy mess. Just shit. They had no idea what they were talking about.

Ignoring the tightness in my chest and the sensation of ants racing over my skin, I turned to them, placing a hand on my hip. “I’m going to have to correct you here, bros.
FWO
has had one major patch. One. It came out a year ago and fixed the issue. It’s the best MMO on the market for your money. Next—that game,” I pointed to
Kill Zone,
“is shit. If you like playing a game that looks like my grandmother designed it and has a crosshair that jumps all over the screen because it’s so sensitive to motion, then go ahead and buy that.”

When I sucked in a breath and looked away, I saw Shawn standing behind the guys with a GameStop bag in hand. “What’s going on?”

The two guys looked from me to Shawn before the redhead spat, “It’s not cool that your little boyfriend thinks he knows everything.”

Shawn jolted, maybe because he hadn’t expected the tone, or maybe because he didn’t like the implication he was gay. And shit, I was regretting this all now. Coming here and opening my big fat mouth. Having shit hurled at me was one thing, but Shawn didn’t deserve it. Too bad I was too breathless to say anything more.

Shawn stepped around the redhead, grabbed my arm, and tugged me to him. “Come on, uh, sweetie. Let’s go home. I’ll watch your Twitch stream along with your thousands of subscribers.” He glared at the two guys. “Later.”

He strode out of GameStop so fast, I had to jog to keep up. My head spun and my ribs felt like they were crushing my organs. “Shit, Shawn,” I panted. “We gotta go.”

We pushed our way through the other shoppers and burst outside where I gulped fresh air. He led me to car, opened my door, and then sat in the driver’s seat. Once the car was rumbling and music was playing, the tension in my chest eased. All that remained was the tremors.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I think…I think I had a panic attack.”

Shawn turned down the radio. “Yeah, I thought so. You okay?”

“I will be.”

He rummaged in the bags until he pulled out the dog. “Here you go.”

Laughing weakly, I hugged it. “I shouldn’t have said anything to those guys. But they were wrong, Shawn. Like, really wrong. About
video games.”

Shawn nodded solemnly. “The probably worship Satan too.”

I pushed his shoulder. “I should have kept my mouth shut though, I…I don’t know.”

“Is that why you don’t go out much? Because of jerks like that talking shit to you?”

“No, that’s not really why.” I sighed. “Online is easy for me. I decide who sees what. I can block anyone who pisses me off. It feels safe and secure. I recognize it’s an avoidance cure—if I don’t have to face people, I won’t get anxious and freaked out.”

“What’s the difference though? You perform in front of thousands of people online every day in real time. Why is it different out here?”

I rolled my head to see his profile. “I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked myself that question. But there is a difference. In my mind, at least. I have some theories. Take dancing for example—when I was on stage there was also opportunities for people to touch me or to approach me after a show. Some fans were super aggressive about it. And I was stuck there with no escape. But I can control my space online. I can determine who comes in my space, and if it all becomes too much, I press the power button.”

It was the same when I’d made videos. If I was actually in a room of people and had to jerk off? Hell no. But when I was in my bed with only a camera on me, and I could just imagine my audience, it was a major turn on.

“Maybe you could…see someone, like a doctor?”

“Why bother? I don’t really need to be out here.” I waved a hand as if that encompassed the entire world outside my apartment. “It’s not like I have family and friends banging down my door inviting me to barbecues and shit.”

“So this is okay with you, then? To live like this?”

An automatic
yeah
almost came out of my mouth, but I stopped myself. For the last three years, I would have said yes, that I was fine with my life, that it was okay, and I could live alone in my apartment forever. But now that I’d made a connection with another human being—one who didn’t live across the hall from me—I’d begun to wonder what it would be like to be…a functioning part of society again. Someone who could crush on a soldier he’d met online and actually meet him in person one day.