Street of Thieves (2 page)

We would exchange our castles in the sky, trade Meryem's breasts for emigration; we would meditate this way for hours, facing the Strait, and then we'd go home, on foot, him to evening prayers, me to try and catch one more glimpse of my cousin. We were seventeen, but more like twelve in our heads. We weren't very clever.

A few months later I got my first real beating, an avalanche of blows the like of which I had never experienced before, I ended up half unconscious and in tears, from humiliation as much as from pain, my father was crying too, from shame, and he was reciting phrases of conjuration, God protect us from evil, God help us, There is no God but God, and so on, adding hits and belt lashes, while my mother moaned in a corner, she cried, too, and looked at me as if I were the devil incarnate, and when my father was exhausted, when he couldn't hit me anymore, there was a great silence, an immense silence, they both stared at me. I was a stranger, I felt that these looks propelled me outward, I was humiliated and terrorized, my father's eyes were full of hatred, I left at a run. I slammed the door behind me, I could hear Meryem crying from the landing and shouting through the door, the sound of slaps, insults, bitch, whore, I ran down the stairs. Once outside I realized I was bleeding from my nose, that I was in my shirtsleeves, that I had only twenty dirhams in my pocket and nowhere to go. It was the beginning of
summer, fortunately, the evening was warm, the air salty. I sat down on the ground against a eucalyptus tree, I held my head in my hands and I bawled like a baby, until night fell and there was the call to prayer. I got up, I was afraid; I knew I wouldn't go back home, that I could never go back, it was impossible. What was I going to do? I went to the neighborhood mosque, to see if I could catch Bassam as he came out. He saw me, opened his eyes wide, I motioned for him to give his father the slip and follow me. Shit, have you looked at your face? What happened? My old man caught me with Meryem, I said, and the mere memory of that instant made me clench my teeth, tears of rage filled my eyes. The shame, the terrible shame of being discovered naked, our bodies exposed, the burning shame that paralyzes me even today—shit, Bassam hissed, what a beating you must've got, yep, I said, yep, without going into detail. And what're you going to do now? I have no idea. But I can't go back home. Where'll you sleep, asked Bassam. No idea. You have any money? Twenty dirhams and a book, that's it. He passed me a few coins that were in his pockets. I have to go. We'll see each other tomorrow? As usual? I said okay, and he left. I walked around the city, a little lost. I walked up Pasteur Avenue, then down to the edge of the sea by the steep little streets; there were red lights in the hostess bars, seedy-looking guys sitting in front of the windows. On the promenade, couples were strolling calmly, arm in arm, it made me think of Meryem. I went back to the harbor and climbed up to the Tombs; I sat down facing the Strait, there were beautiful lights in Spain; I pictured people dancing on the beaches, freedom, women, cars; what the hell was I going to do, without a roof, without any money? Beg? Work? I had to go home. The thought immediately destroyed me. Impossible. I stretched out and looked at the stars for a long time. I slept until the cold of dawn forced me to get up and walk around to warm myself up. I hurt everywhere, from the blows, but also from the ache of sleeping all night on the rock. If I had known what was to come, I would've gone meekly back home,
I would have begged my father for forgiveness. If I hadn't been so proud, that's what I should have done, I would have avoided many more humiliations and wounds, perhaps I'd have become a grocer myself, perhaps I'd have married Meryem, perhaps this very instant I'd be in Tangier, dining in a fancy restaurant by the sea or giving my kids a thrashing, a whole litter of bawling, starving pups.

I
was hungry, I wolfed down some rotten fruit the market vendors left for beggars, I had to fight for gnawed-on apples, then for moldy oranges, fight off all sorts of nutcases, one-legged men, retards, a horde of half-starved wretches who prowled around the market like me; I was cold, I spent nights soaking wet in the fall, when storms beat down on the city, chasing away beggars under the arcades, in the far corners of the Medina, in buildings under construction where you had to bribe the guard to let you stay dry; in winter I left for the south, finding nothing there but cops who just roughed me up in a crumbling station in Casablanca to encourage me to return home to my parents; I found a truck headed for Tangier, a nice guy who slipped me half his sandwich and a doughnut because I refused to play the girl for him, and when I went to see Bassam, when I dared set foot again in the neighborhood, I had lost God knows how many pounds, my clothes were in rags, I hadn't read a book in months and I had just turned eighteen. Not much chance I'd be recognized. I was exhausted, shivering. I was half clean, I washed in mosque courtyards, beneath the disapproving eye of the custodians and Imams, then I was forced to pretend to pray to warm up a little on the comfortable rugs, I took a Koran into a corner and slept sitting up, the volume on my knees, with an inspired air, until a real believer would get annoyed at seeing me snoring over the Holy Text and would throw me out, with a kick in the ass and sometimes
ten dirhams so I'd go hang myself somewhere else. I wanted to see Bassam so he would go visit my parents, tell them I was sorry, that I had suffered greatly, and that I wanted to come home. I remember, I thought often of my mother. Of Meryem, too. During the hardest times, the horrible times when I had to humiliate myself in front of a parking lot guard or a policeman, when the atrocious stench of my shame escaped from the folds of their clothes, I would close my eyes and think of the perfume of Meryem's skin, of those few hours with her. I was stunned by the speed at which the world could change.

You become the human equivalent of a pigeon or a seagull. People see us without seeing us, sometimes they give us a few kicks so we'll disappear, and few, very few, imagine on what railing, on what balcony we sleep at night. I wonder what I thought of, at the time. How I held on. Why I didn't simply go back after two days to my father's house and collapse on the living room sofa; why I didn't go to the town hall or God knows where to ask for help, maybe because there is in youth an infinite force, a power that makes everything slip by, that makes nothing really reach us. At least in the beginning. But then, after ten months of being on the run, three hundred days of shame, I couldn't bear any more. I had paid my dues, maybe. And no poems came to me, no philosophical considerations about existence, no sincere repentance, just a mute hatred and a deeper mistrust of all that was human.

Before I went to see Bassam, I remember, I took a swim. It was a fine spring morning, I had slept in a crevice at the bottom of the cliff, toward Cape Spartel, a few miles away from the center of Tangier, after downing a can of tuna and a heel of bread, sooty from a fire made from a wooden crate and some newspapers. I had wrapped myself up in the long wool coat stolen from a market that had accompanied me all winter, and I had dozed off, lulled by the surf. In the morning the Mediterranean was calm, calm and dark blue, the rising sun gently caressed the sandy places between the rocks. I was freezing, but I desired this beauty, this liquid rest too
much. The water was terribly cold. I warmed up a little by swimming fast to the north, a few hundred feet maybe, the current was strong, I had to struggle to get back to the coast. I collapsed on a stretch of sand, in the sun; there was no wind, just the warm caress of the silica, I fell asleep again, exhausted and almost happy. When I woke up two or three hours later, the April sun was beating down and I was starving. I ate the rest of the bread from the day before, drank a lot of water; I folded the coat up in my bag, put my clothes into some sort of order—my shirt was torn in the armpit, and it had grease spots on the back; my pants were completely threadbare at the cuffs; you could no longer make out the stripes on my grey jacket, which I got from an Islamic solidarity center for the poor. I felt in shape, despite everything. Bassam would slip me a clean shirt and a pair of pants. I hadn't seen him since the end of December, since I left for Casa; he had helped me as much as he'd been able, by giving me a little money, some food, and even, once, news of Meryem: her mother had sent her to live at her sister's house in the remote depths of the Rif. Might as well be in prison. Bassam was still making castles in the sky about going to Spain, and the last time we'd seen each other, still in the same place, facing the Strait, facing the unattainable Tarifa, he had said to me Don't worry. Go to Casa and when you come back I'll have found a way to get us to the other side. I still didn't see what we were supposed to do in Spain without papers and without money, aside from begging, ending up getting arrested, and deported, but still, it was a nice dream.

I went to his house around noon; I knew his father would be at work. Rediscovering the neighborhood streets stung my heart. I walked very quickly, taking care not to pass by the family grocery store, I reached Bassam's building, ran up the steps and knocked on his door like a madman, as if I were being followed. He was there. He recognized me right away, which reassured me about my looks. He had me come in. He sniffed me and told me I didn't stink too badly, for a bum. That made me laugh. That might be true, but
I'd still like to take a shower and eat a little, I said. I felt as if I had finally arrived somewhere. He handed me some clean clothes, I stayed maybe an hour in the bathroom. I'd never have thought that having as much water as you wanted could be a heavenly luxury. In the meantime he had prepared breakfast for me, eggs, bread, cheese. He was smiling the whole time, with a conspiratorial air. He barely asked me what I'd been up to these last three months, just: So, how was Casa?—without insisting. He was excited, he kept getting up and sitting down, still with a smile on his lips. Come on, out with it, I ended up saying. He made a face as if he'd been caught stealing a chicken. What do you mean—out with it? Why are you saying that? Fine, okay, I'll tell you, I think I found something for you, a place where you can lay low, where they'll take care of you. He resumed his smiling, conspiratorial air. What kind of place is it, an asylum? I thought that behind it all was a plan for a crazy adventure, one of those Bassam affairs. No no, my friend, not an asylum, not even a hospital, even better: a mosque.

What the hell do you want me to do in a mosque, I asked.

It's not a place like the others, Bassam replied, you'll see, the people are different.

It was true, they were different. Bearded, dressed in immaculate dark suits. Aside from that, they really were quite nice and generous, those Islamists. Sheikh Nureddin (he called himself Sheikh, but he couldn't have been over forty) asked me to tell him my story, after Bassam introduced me: This is the one I spoke to you about, Sheikh, he's a real believer, but he's in need. Then God will provide, replied the other. The mosque wasn't really a mosque, it was the ground floor of an apartment building, with rugs on the floor and a brass plaque on the door that read “Muslim Group for the Propagation of Koranic Thought.” Bassam looked very proud for bringing them a stray lamb. I recounted everything down the smallest detail, almost. Sheikh Nureddin listened to me attentively, looking me straight in the eyes, without looking surprised, as if he already knew
the whole story. When I finished he sat silent for a bit, still staring at me, and asked: Are you a believer? I managed to reply yes, without seeming to hesitate. You haven't sinned, my young friend. You let yourself get caught in that girl's trap. She is the one responsible, and your father was not fair. You were weak, that's true, but it's your youth that spoke. Your father is the guilty one, he should have better supervised the women of his family, should have enjoined decency on them. If your cousin had been decent, none of that would have happened. Bassam interrupted him: Sheikh, his father is proclaiming to the whole neighborhood that he no longer has a son, that he disinherited him.

Nureddin smiled sadly. These things might come right with time. The important thing is you now. Bassam tells me you are pious, serious, a good worker and that you like books, is that right? Yes sir. Well, I mean for the books, I mumbled.

In five minutes I was hired as a bookseller for the Group for the Propagation of Koranic Thought; they offered me a tiny room that looked out onto the back and a salary. Not a huge amount, but still a little pocket money. I couldn't get over it. I thanked Sheikh Nureddin effusively, all the while expecting some unforeseen thing to make the whole affair fall through. But it didn't. A real miracle. They gave me some dirhams in advance, to buy some clothes and shoes; Bassam went with me. He was very proud and smiled the whole time. I told you, he said, I told you I'd find you a solution. You see that going to the mosque pays in the end, he said.

He had met the Group of Thought at Friday prayers, with his father. After seeing them for a while, they had gotten acquainted, and there you have it. They're the right kind of people, said Bassam. They come from Arabia and they're loaded.

We crisscrossed the center of town like nabobs to buy me three shirts, two pairs of pants, some boxer shorts, and some black shoes slightly narrowed at the tips, slightly pointed, very cool. I also bought a comb, some hair gel, some shoe polish, and once again
I was penniless, mostly, but happy, and Bassam as well, for me. He was so pleased that I had gotten myself back on my feet, it made me happy to see him. That warmed my heart at least as much as the shiny shoes. I hugged him and ruffled his frizzy hair. Now we'll go change and afterward we'll walk around, I said. We'll chat up some girls, hit on a couple pretty tourists and show them around Allah's paradise. And maybe they'll even buy us a few beers afterward in thanks. Bassam muttered something, then, yes yes, good idea, why not. He knew very well: barring a second miracle on the same day, we'd never come across two welcoming miniskirts, but he played the game. When I went back to the Propagation of Koranic Thought to don my new threads, it was crowded; it was time for afternoon prayers and people were there in force. I made four prostrations behind Sheikh Nureddin; the time seemed very long to me.