Strapped (12 page)

I return to the table, all smiles, hoping my eyes aren’t puffy. Lizzy and Henry don’t seem to notice anything. I eat quietly, letting the two talkers take over while I drink some more wine to dull the ache. Luckily, as long as I smile and stay engaged, and throw in a small comment here and there, they seem to be completely oblivious to my sadness.

By the end of the dinner, we are all thoroughly inebriated. This isn’t as bad as the club, it’s quite pleasant as we are all perfectly drunk. We enter the lobby of our hotel, Henry between Lizzy and me, his arm around each one of us.

“I look like a stud right now? Don’t I?” he slurs. “Tall blonde on one side, smoking brunette on the other.” We all laugh as we get into the elevator. Lizzy is staying on a lower floor and exits first.

“G’night you two!” She waves as she walks jaggedly out of the elevator, barefoot, her heels dangling from her right hand. The doors ping and close. Henry still has his arm around me while we both lean on the rear wall of the elevator. I sigh and tilt my head back onto the wall, remembering that I really fucked up tonight. Suddenly I feel a body pressed against mine.

“Henry! What are you doing!” I shout as I feel his lips press against my neck and his right hand run from my waist, to my back, and then the top of my buttocks. I feel an immediate knot in my stomach when I realize what is happening. I push him away forcefully and his eyes widen.

“Oh my god, Shy. I am so fucking sorry.” The elevator pings, it is my floor and I shove him aside to exit.

“Just go to bed Henry and it’s Shy-la, not Shy, Shy-la!” I glimpse back into the elevator and see Henry standing there, his face immersed in regret. I walk down the long corridor and approach the turn to the hallway that houses both Taylor’s and my suite. I ponder for a second if I should knock on his door but it’s too late. What I see after turning the corner stops me dead in my tracks. My heart wrenches as the sight affirms what I have been denying to myself this entire time. Taylor is at his door, beautiful Taylor, letting out Tatyana, the vamp, from his suite. This is why he couldn’t come tonight. I was right to leave them alone other night, he did want her and he lied. Why did he make it sound like he was repulsed by her come-ons? I pause; they don’t see me yet, but they will if I keep going, and this will make for a very awkward scene as he obviously does not want me to know. There is still time for me to turn and go somewhere for a few minutes while the hallway clears. Just as I am about to turn on my heel, Taylor looks to his right and we make direct eye contact. His eyes widen, he looks flustered, which is a very rare sight that I would relish on any other occasion. Clearly I was at a full stop watching, but I pretend as though I am just passing by. I give a quick nod to the two of them. Tatyana barely acknowledges me, and Taylor is clearly speechless.

I calmly close my hotel door and burst into tears. They flow out of me uncontrollably. This inappropriate faucet of emotion is turned on high. It might be from the alcohol, but right now it feels real. This man has turned my world upside down, and I won’t let myself acknowledge it, but I think my feelings towards him are more than lust. Now I will be left alone to pick up the pieces he left behind of my broken career and relationship with Rick. I bury my head into my pillow and sob.

Chapter Eleven

I wake up startled. I didn’t set my alarm and we are being picked up from the hotel at 8:00am to go to the airport. When I realize it’s only 4:23am, I let out a big sigh. My eyes burn from the crying and my mind still feels cloudy from the alcohol. My phone has been off the entire night and I hastily turn it on; it rings with the familiar sounds of texts and voicemails. I am afraid to look.

11:10pm Missed call - Mr. Holden

Mr. Holden:

Can we talk?

I scratch my head. I was expecting a more scathing response to my drunk dialing fiasco.

Henry:

Shyla, Im so sorry. Plese forgiv me. Im drunk.

Oh Henry!
I don’t have time to be upset at him. The pain I am feeling right now has nothing to do with what happened in the elevator. I will let him sit around with the guilt for a while, he cannot just pull that shit with female coworkers and I hope this will teach him a lesson.

Mr. Holden:

Are you still up? Can we talk?

This was after I saw him with that skank. There was no way I was talking to him last night, bawling like a hormonal teenager. I am not sure how I am going to deal with the levels of awkwardness on the plane, between me and both Taylor and Henry. For once, I really wish I was flying coach on a regular plane so I wouldn’t have to deal with all of it. I so desperately want to talk to Lizzy, but I cannot tell anyone about what is going on between Taylor and me. This leaves me in a constant state of inner dialogue, discussing with myself back and forth what I should or shouldn’t do. I feel like I am in some sort of state of sane insanity.

After packing, I head down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Five minutes later, I see Taylor walk through the entrance, scanning the room as if he already knows I am there. Shit. When his eyes catch mine, I see a look of desperation on his face. I am still expecting to be fired, just in a much kinder manner than I had anticipated. I take a sip of my coffee; I am going to need the caffeine. He sits across from me at the table. The server quickly comes over and pours him a coffee. I don’t know if I should say something first. He came here to talk to me, but I owe him an apology too.

“Taylor, before you say anything. I am sorry about last night. It was none of my business. Being drunk is no excuse. You have a right to your personal life. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.” I feel relieved knowing if he fires me, I have said my piece. What I really want to ask him is how could he sleep with that tramp who throws herself so aggressively at men? How could he lead me on with his gifts and ambiguous behavior?

“Shy, it’s fine, really. Last night did not go the way I planned at all, in many ways. For what it’s worth, nothing happened between me and Tatyana. She came over and we talked, and she left. At the gala, I found out we had a common interest, and against my better judgement, I thought I should follow up, but we were not compatible.”

“It’s none of my business.”
Please, tell me more.

“What you said was right Shy. I have been skating around the issue, but I have to say this. If you decide to leave H.I. I’ll understand.”

“No, I love working at H.I. I thought you were going to fire me.”

“Fire? No, no,” he says, shaking his head. “Shy, I am just going to go out and say it. I like you Shyla. No, it’s more than that, I care about you. More than I ever have about any woman. I think you are intelligent, funny, compassionate, and beautiful. You have to understand, I feel indifferent towards most people, but something about you gets to me and I’ve been aware of it since the moment we met.” My heart dances. “But, there are things about me, things I can’t share. I want to be around you, and I would like to continue to work with you, but the games I have been playing are cruel and they serve only me. It is a way for me to have you on a deeper level, since we can’t be together physically.” I am stupefied. How can someone who is constantly using games and innuendo flip a switch and put everything out there so quickly? The moment I thought I wanted is now here, but I don’t know how to process this. He is not inviting me to be with him, so there is no decision to make. He just wants to me to move along and forget this conversation ever happened, all for reasons he won’t even tell me. He sits quietly, staring at me with his crystal eyes, waiting for me to say something back. I decide to take his route and let it all out. I am not as good as he is at this, but I have nothing to lose at this point.

“That’s not true. I don’t know what you think it is I can’t handle, but you don’t get to be the judge. Just tell me. What are you hiding? I won’t quit.”

“Shy, I just...I can’t.” He looks down. “I am one of those people who is better off alone and you will be better off living your life the way it is. I don’t do relationships.”

“Who said I wanted a relationship?”

“You would not want to be with me unless we were in a normal relationship. Trust me.”

“Normal relationship? What does that even mean?”

“It means that I want you to know the truth about how I feel about you, but that nothing else can come of it.”

“You know, you talk of being cruel and playing games, and here you are still doing it. Fine, if that is how you feel, we’ll continue to work together. Whenever, if ever, you are ready to tell me, I will be here, but no more messing with my head just for your own pleasure. You cannot play with someone’s heart like that unless you intend to make use of it.” I rise up from the table having lost my appetite and quite frankly irritated by Taylor’s continued secretiveness. “Taylor, I did like the games, I was just hoping they would go somewhere.”

I walk away without looking back. During the plane ride home, I sleep and keep my earphones in to drown out the world. I tell Lizzy I am hungover and things are going to be awkward between Henry and I for a while, so I don’t have to worry about talking to either one of them. Taylor and I don’t say a word to each other. I try to imagine how we will work together. I don’t think there is tremendous anger on either side, but we have now both acknowledged the reality. He wants me. It wasn’t all in my head. I didn’t say it, but he knows I want him too. We have to be around each other daily knowing that this is what is between us. Maybe, like he said, in time this would get better. All the cards are now out on the table, and we can treat it like any other fact that we know about each other.

I do believe him about Tatyana even though I have no way of really knowing the truth. He said they have something in common, but he won’t tell me what. It bothers me that a complete stranger gets to know more about him than I do. I wrack my brain about what clues she could provide. Does it have to do with Russia? Are they spies? Okay, I am getting way off track here...Is he a serial killer? Unlikely. Was he in prison? That can’t be it. I can’t imagine what he could be so guarded about. I already know about his anxiety issues. His secret and the anxiety have to be tied in some way.

My thoughts suddenly go back to what he said to me at the table. The games he played were a form of foreplay...the food, the underwear. It was all supposed to satisfy an urge for him, but instead, it just made us both want each other more. Then I remember Rick. I have been nothing but terrible since I met Taylor. I have been nice, sure, but I have been absent. Rick has to know this, but I believe he is trying to cling to our relationship just like I am. I need to let him go. My eyes begin to well up.
Shit, not here on the plane in front of everyone.
I don’t know how to do it, how to look him in the eye and tell him what we both already know. It hurts just to think about it. It feels like I am killing a living being. Our relationship is an organism constantly evolving and now I will have to put it down. I pray that Rick has the guts to do it, because while I know it’s the right thing I am not sure if I can. It’s so easy to break up when you are fighting, or you can’t get along, but how do look someone in the eyes on a gorgeous Sunday morning over a cup of coffee and tell them it’s time to move on? I bury my head in my blanket and silently let the slow stream of tears roll down my cheek.

It is late evening by the time we land. I convinced Rick before leaving that I would get a ride home from Harrison knowing how late our arrival would be. I am now regretting this decision. I know if Taylor catches wind of me trying to get a cab, he will insist I ride with him. We all get our bags at the same time. I hug Lizzy and give an awkward wave to Henry as they go right into their cars. I nonchalantly try to slip away and find a cab on my own when I hear Taylor utter the first words to me since breakfast.

“Shy!”
Dammit
. I look back, he cocks his head directing me to come over. “Get in.” His face and tone displays disapproval of my choice to grab a cab. I nod to Harrison.

“Welcome back Ms. Ball.”
Same to you Harrison, it’s so good to finally be around a sane person.

Taylor breaks the silence.

“I know what happened between you and Henry last night.” I really didn’t need him to know that.

“Nothing happened. I shut him down very quickly.” I want to make sure there aren’t false versions of the story circulating.

“I know. He told me. He feels awful. He’s been quite smitten by you too. You have that effect on men.”
I do?

“Henry is not smitten, he just thinks I’m a sweet piece of ass that you hired.” Taylor’s eyes widen with recognition. “Yes, Taylor, I heard what he said the day we met. Because of that, I was quite bitchy to him for a while, but I let my guard down because I found him endearing, then before I know it he’s feeling me up in an elevator.” Taylor’s eyes narrow and his jaw tenses.

“I’ll be honest, I wanted to knock him the fuck out.” His voice is eerily calm and almost matter of fact when he says this. “He doesn’t know how I feel about you. If he did, he never would have done that.” It’s so weird how his words convey passion while he displays such a cool exterior. I can’t help but smile because Taylor is usually so aloof. It is as if others only exist around him if he needs them, or if their well-being directly affects his. However, in this instance, his need to protect me comes from a place of passion, and again, it makes me feel part of an exclusive club.

“Did you tell him? That you...that we...”

“No. There’s no point in sharing that information with him, but I gave him a stern reminder about how he should treat coworkers at H.I. That guy is a walking erection.”

I laugh. Taylor’s stone cold delivery makes the line even funnier. “That’s probably good. Have him and Lizzy...you know...? I’ve always wondered about those two.”

“I think so, but I never asked. I rather not know. She’s like a sister to me.”

“I have to say, you surround yourself with interesting characters. I’ll include myself in that statement.”

“Well, brilliant people tend to come with interesting personalities, it’s part of the territory.”

“I guess so. Henry told me how you courted him. You always get the people you want, don’t you?”

“Not always.” One of his double meanings strikes again. He looks deeply into my eyes as he says this. I decide to lighten the air; we might as well have little fun with the shared knowledge we now have. I know I am treading dangerous water, but even though I said I wanted it to stop, I want to be able to pull the strings a bit myself. It’s not fair that he was the only one that got to have fun.

“Well, you should have seen me last night. I wore a hot little number for you.” He perks up and runs his hand through his hair.
Is he blushing?

“Oh but I did, remember? You looked really sexy. You have the most amazing legs. Was that really for me?”

“Always is.” I sit comfortably back into my seat and cross my legs, feeling a bit powerful. I look up at the rearview mirror and see Harrison holding the slightest grin on his face. I point to the front of the car and mouth to Taylor that Harrison can hear us. He leans forward, so close that even though he isn’t touching me, I get goosebumps. “The things that man has heard driving this car, this is just child’s play.” He cooly eases back to his seat. His voice was so seductive, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck. We need to stop this, but what I really want is for him to jump on me right now. I begin to take him in. His hair looks unkempt today. He has some stubble and is wearing a heather gray T-shirt that hugs all the right places, and a pair of light colored jeans. The gray in the shirt brings out the blue in his eyes. He wears a pair of vintage-looking sneakers. He looks so relaxed and sexy. Okay, just one more comment and I’ll stop.

“You look really hot right now.” I grin. He shakes his head and looks down, I think he is blushing again.

“Shy, we have to stop this. This could get dangerous.”

“You’re right, but we should have a little fun while we can. Once I leave the car tonight, we forget it all. We’ve managed it so far, I am sure we can go back.” Knowing this may be the last and only time I can ever say what I want to say, I become more emboldened.

“You’ve said that you like me, but I don’t think I have said much about what I feel.”

“Do tell.” He leans back and crosses his ankle over his knee. It reminds me of when he interviewed me.

“I mean this in a purely factual way. I am sure if we could study this in a lab, it would be valid. So I don’t feel shy saying this. You are the most beautiful man I have ever met. I am sure you know this, people are stunned when you walk into a room. It’s just a fact. You’re rich, powerful, and good looking. You could have anyone. So, I never thought you would want me.” My voice quivers as I say this. I have never expressed myself like that to anyone before or shared my insecurities with someone so openly. Exposing myself this much may not have been wise, but the words just poured out of me. He has that effect on me. His eyes go from playful to serious very quickly.

“Shyla, all those things you listed don’t make a person. They don’t. I mean it. You are beautiful, both inside and outside, but please don’t look to me to validate that. You have to know if for yourself.” His voice is so tender. I have never seen him like this, so expressive. He looks at me so earnestly with those gleaming eyes of his. “All right Shy, we have to stop this game.”

“I’m sorry, I crossed a line. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, that’s not it. I love hearing you speak. It’s just that I want to kiss you so badly and I know I never will.”

“Never...” I repeat the word under my breath, the last bit of hope fading with my voice.

“Shy...you have no idea, how much I want to...Maybe we can’t work together.”

“No, we can make it work. We can be friends and work together.”

“Shy, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“Taylor! That’s not it at all. I love working with you and Henry, Lizzy and Marsha and everyone. I feel like I am working towards something. I am just really confused right now. I feel horrible about all this. Rick doesn’t deserve this either.”

“Are you happy with Rick?” The question catches me off-guard because I haven’t explicitly asked myself that question in a long time.

“Every relationship has its ups and downs, but Rick is great. He’s one of my best friends and he is a really good guy. Most girls would kill for a guy like him.”

“That’s a long answer for a simple yes or no question.”

“Not everything can be answered with a simple yes or no.”