Stork Naked (17 page)

But Seven did not. She batted at the barrier with her fists, uttering words Surprise hardly knew and would never use herself. Odd, odd; why didn't she use her magic?

Surprise put her head down to listen to the peeve. “What is it?”

“That's not really Surprise,” the peeve said. “That's a souled entity, but no better for it.”

“I don't understand.” Indeed she did not.

“I recognize her because I have run afoul of her before. She is Morgan le Fey, a Sorceress from ancient Mundania. She's looking for a body to take over, in the manner of the Sea Hag, and evidently Surprise Seven is it. Beware of her; she is utterly unscrupulous.”

“Morgan le Fey!” Surprise exclaimed, amazed. “Why would she want my baby?”

“Because that's my future host and entry to Xanth proper,” Seven/Morgan said. “You might as well know, since the bleepity bird blabbed anyway.” She had finally abolished the plastic pane.

“Somebody had to, bitch-butt,” the peeve retorted.

Surprise fumbled for emotional or intellectual anchorage. “But you're tormenting her! Why ruin the one you want to use?”

“I am taking good care of her body. It's her mind that is of no value to me, as I will banish that when I take over.”

It made such dreadful sense that for the moment Surprise was speechless.

Che filled in the dialogue. “How did you get the stork to deliver the baby to you, since you are obviously unqualified?”

“It was a sacrifice,” Umlaut said. “We had to leave our marriages and pretend to be a couple, and actually signal the stork, nine months ago, fooling the system. What a chore!”

“You liked it at the time, lout-brain,” Morgan snapped.

“I liked her body, not your mind, you arrogant fairy,” he retorted. “You sneered all the way through.”

“Naturally, dullard. Who in her right mind would want to signal with
you?”

“My wife would!”

“Big deal! Your wife's made of metal.”

Surprise exchanged a fleeting glance with Che. This was fascinating in its ugliness.

“And your husband's an ogre,” he said.

“Exactly who are the two of you married to, in this reality?” Che asked.

“The crossbreed twins delivered to Esk Ogre and Bria Brassie,” Umlaut said. “Epoxy Ogre and Benzine Brassie.”

“But they're only fifteen years old!” Che said.

Both Umlaut and Morgan looked at him. “What's your point, horse-nose?” she asked.

“The Adult Conspiracy forbids underage stork summoning.”

“Not here it doesn't,” Umlaut said. “There is no Adult Conspiracy in this reality. Children can and do attempt stork summoning, if they're minded to.”

“And some succeed,” Morgan said. She smiled, not nicely. “Epoxy is satisfactory, when I choose to have him so; his talent is to make things hard and fast. But the lout here has a problem: Benzine's talent is to make things soft and loose.”

“Haw haw haw!” the peeve laughed. “No wonder Um Lout is so hot to make it with other girls!”

Umlaut looked ready to kill. Surprise would have been shocked, had she had a few more of her wits about her. What filthy laundry was being aired here!

“That does not explain why you attempted to seduce me,” Che said to Morgan.

“Apart from the fact that you're a handsome equine specimen?”

“That can hardly be your prime motive.”

“To distract you from the lout's effort with Surprise,” Morgan said. “What counts is that she agree to give up her claim and leave the baby here. We need that release, or there could be complications.”

Umlaut had attempted to seduce her in exchange for giving her the baby. Now Surprise realized that the other facet of that deal was that she would agree to give up her baby if she didn't want to be seduced. The spines on this mace struck every which way.

“Complications. Because Prize is really Surprise's baby, not yours,” Che agreed. “But that doesn't explain how she was delivered here. How did you arrange the fissure between realities? You couldn't have managed a feat like that on your own.”

The naked Sorceress eyed the centaur speculatively. She took another breath, deeper than it strictly needed to be. She evidently had not really given up on him. Any ordinary man would have freaked out by now. “You are observant. I like that. Yes, that required Demon magic. Fornax did it.”

“But Demoness Fornax can't interfere with Xanth. Demon Xanth wouldn't allow it.”

“Demon Xanth has no authority to prevent it. As a tag end of a prior Demon agreement, Demoness Fornax has half of Surprise's soul, and Demon Jupiter has the other half. That gives them a certain tacit claim on the bodies. Fornax may use this body as a legitimate entry to the Land of Xanth, after I am done with it. That's her business. I am maintaining the body for her in the interim.”

Surprise could only marvel at the dastardliness of the deal. None of the participants cared half a whit whom they hurt. The Good Magician must have suspected this; that was why he had tried to dissuade her from coming after her baby. Yet what a ghastly fate awaited innocent little Prize if Surprise did not rescue her!

“I think we have heard enough,” Che said grimly. “You folk have no legitimate claim on this baby. We'll take Prize now, regardless.”

“I think not,” Morgan said.

“You have a way to stop us, knowing that your Sorceress magic cannot match Surprise's abilities in this limited venue?”

Because it seemed that Morgan could not use Surprise's talents, which were attached to her soul. Only if at least part of that soul were returned to the body would her talents return. Morgan surely had powers of her own, but she was at a disadvantage here. Che was tacitly reminding Surprise of that.

“I have tried to be reasonable,” Morgan said, facing Surprise. “But since you will not have it, it's no more Miss Nice Sorceress. You must make a more difficult choice: the baby or the children.”

“The children!” Surprise said, appalled. “You would threaten them?”

“Of course I would, you ninny. While we dickered here I sent an apparition to separate them from their naive baby sitter. Now they are lost, and will surely come to grief, and it will be your fault. Unless, of course, you elect to yield your claim on the brat. Then I will indicate the location of the children.”

Surprise was frozen with painful indecision. She couldn't desert her baby—but neither could she sacrifice the children. What a terrible pass!

Che rescued her again. “You pretend that it is an either/or choice, malign Sorceress. That is not so. We shall search and locate the children, then take the baby to her rightful home.”

Morgan took another deep breath, as she made a high-silhouette quarter turn toward him. “Lots of luck, stallion.”

The centaur ignored the naked taunt. “Come, Surprise, peeve. We have work to do.” He led the way out of the house.

Stymy Stork was there. “Did you get the—?” He broke off, seeing that she hadn't. “I'm sorry. I could not face that thing in your body.”

“Not your fault,” Surprise said. “But now we can use your help, if you are willing to lend it.”

“Whatever you ask,” he agreed. “I'm sure Pyra will too.”

“So will I,” the peeve said. “I like Prize and hate Morgan le Fey.”

“Thank you,” Surprise said tearfully.

They walked out to where they knew the children would not be. Pyra was running toward them, alone, with news they already knew.

Stymy was chagrined as they left the house and came to meet the distraught Pyra. It seemed that not only had Surprise not recovered her baby, the children had been lost, because of the mischief of the Sorceress Morgan le Fey who now occupied Surprise Seven's body. He had not anticipated this bypath.

He knew that his exit from the house made him appear cowardly, and that Surprise and Che could have used his help inside. But the moment he recognized Morgan he knew he had to retreat, because she could when she chose read minds to a certain extent. If she discovered that there was a Demon bet, and that he was the agent of Demon Xanth, she would either use the knowledge to force Surprise to yield the baby, or blab it to them all. That would abrogate the bet, and everything would revert to the starting point. If it was determined that Stymy had given away the truth, then Demon Xanth would forfeit the bet. He couldn't risk that. So he had gotten away from her as rapidly as feasible and waited outside.

He did want Demon Xanth to win, and not just because of the promised promotion to Head Stork. He liked Surprise Golem and wanted her to prove herself. And it would be horrible to leave the innocent baby with the mean-spirited Morgan. So if there was any way for Surprise to win back her baby without being corrupted, he had to help her find it. The alternative was too ugly to contemplate.

Pyra was the agent of the Demoness Fornax. She was his opponent, yet they had a common interest in seeing the challenge proceed, and in keeping the secret of the bet. Pyra seemed like a decent woman; he was sure she would not deliberately have lost the children. The bet concerned the corruption of Surprise, not the children. Morgan's foul play was no part of Pyra's effort, though Demoness Fornax was evidently using her to force the issue. Fornax was taking advantage of a loophole involving her possession of half of Surprise's soul in this reality, bargaining with Morgan to put pressure on Surprise. Demon Xanth must have gone along with it, for the sake of the bet. Stymy had assumed the corruption would be merely a matter of temptation, such as her having an affair with Che Centaur. Now he saw that it was uglier than that, with Surprise being forced to choose between evils. He did not like that, but had no control over that aspect. All he could do was encourage Surprise to be true to her decent nature and do the right thing, hoping she was strong enough.

They came together with the tearful Pyra. “I was watching the children, honest I was,” she said. “Then suddenly, puff! and they were gone. The three of them were illusion. I went back and followed their footprints. They diverged from the way I had gone. I had followed illusion children, being led astray. But the footprints disappear in hard ground and do not resume. I don't know what happened to them. I'm so sorry!” Her tears burst into little flames as they struck the ground.

“It's not your fault,” Surprise told her, as she had told Stymy. She had such a generous personality! “But we can use your help finding them.”

“Anything!” Pyra said. “I should never have been fooled. I just never thought—”

“None of us did,” Che said. “What we encountered in that house was beyond our worst expectations.” He efficiently summarized the situation; as a centaur he was good at that. “So as I see it, we shall have to split up and search in every direction. You and Surprise can search the close land; we flying creatures will search in circles farther out. The children can't have gotten far. Doubtless they were deceived by illusion too, thinking you were with them. Then when they were fairly lost, your image disappeared and they were stuck. If they have any reasonable sense, they will either follow their own tracks back, or wait where they are in the hope of being found soon. With luck, one of us will accomplish that.”

They worked out five quadrants: two semicircles starting at the place the children's footsteps ended, for Surprise and Pyra to search, and three larger sections beyond for the winged creatures. They agreed to return to the starting point before dark, unless unable, to compare notes. It seemed perfectly sensible.

But Stymy knew it would not turn out sensibly. The Sorceress Morgan le Fey would not hide the children where they could be readily found. She would have some more devious angle. She wanted to force Surprise to give up her baby in exchange for the children. They were all likely to come up empty winged. Still, all they could do was search diligently, hoping to foil the fell plot.

Because if Surprise had to choose between baby and children, she would be corrupted, as it was not a choice that could have any clean outcome. Demon Xanth would lose, and Stymy would remain a hopelessly fouled-up low-echelon stork. Pyra would have her reward, but probably not have any real joy of it, as she meant no harm to either the children or the baby. The innocent test of character had become a guilty grind.

The three took wing, flying to their agreed sections. Stymy's was to the south, a nondescript region inhabited by the usual dragons, nickel-pedes, and stray human and crossbreed folk. The children surely knew to stay clear of the dangerous ones, and actually they could defend themselves reasonably well, being part or full demon.

Maybe they had had the wit to set up a signal to attract the attention of a rescuer. Stymy flew back and forth, peering down. No recognizable signal.

A nasty thought occurred to him: suppose they did not know they were lost? If the phantom Pyra remained with them they might not realize they were going astray. She could lead them into a cave, hiding them, entertaining them with balls of fire or flashes of lightning. Did Morgan have an evil accomplice? The air might be no place to look for them.

Stymy glided down to the ground, looking for traces. He found none. There was only a man walking by.

Well, there should be no harm in asking. Stymy approached the man. “Hello. I am Stymy Stork, looking for lost children.”

“I am Nine. I can stitch any two things together, such as a person and a tangle tree. Would you like a demonstration?”

Stymy thought about being stitched to a hungry (hungry was the only way they came) tangle tree. “Thank you no. Have you seen three children pass this way?”

“No children,” Nine said cheerfully. “How about getting stitched to a thyme plant? A stitch in thyme saves Nine.”

This man was evidently talented, but was being of little help. “Thank you no.” Stymy spread his wings and took off.

He landed not far away, in a glade with a spotty object in the center. “I'm spotting you!” the thing cried, flinging out spots. Several stuck to Stymy, soiling his white feathers. He had been spotted. He struggled to wipe them off, but they clung like coagulating glue. Ugh!

He found a puddle of water and with its help managed to soak and pry the spots off. He had lost valuable time. He was about to take off again, when another stork landed. “Beware the spots!” he called.

But the spotter did not fling out any more spots; evidently it had used up its stock and was recovering. The stork approached him. It was female, and he rather liked her look. But not her look, paradoxically: she was glaring prettily at him.

“Did you deliver an unlicensed baby here?” she demanded.

“Yes, actually, to the Golem residence. But—”

“You beast!” she cried, attacking him with her beak.

“But I couldn't help it,” he protested, trying to protect himself. “I had to—”

She caught a wing feather in her beak and yanked it out. That hurt. “This is my delivery territory! You had no right!”

“I couldn't deliver to the original girl, because—”

She caught a tail feather and yanked it out. “You brute! You utter bird-brain!”

“She was underage,” he continued desperately. “At least, I thought she was, according to my records.”

She yanked out a head feather. “How could you!”

Her determined effort was denuding him! But how could he oppose such a pretty lady? “It wasn't my fault. The record was wrong.”

She yanked out more. “Ridiculous. Babies are sent out only when ripe. They can't be underage.”

That set him back, until he realized her misunderstanding. “The mother. She was listed as thirteen, instead of eighteen. I'm already on probation; I didn't dare make a wrong delivery.”

“So you delivered it here, and got me in trouble!” She plucked out several more feathers. “They think I delivered an illegitimate baby. I could get fired. All because of you.” Another feather.

The pain and humiliation overwhelmed him. “It's not my doing. It's a Demon bet!”

She went quite still, staring at him.

“Oh, bleepity bleep!” he swore. “I shouldn't have said that.”

“Now you had better say more,” she said.

“Please, please, forget what I said. Everything's at stake.”

“Well, it would be.”

“But if any of the participants learn or catch on, it's all off, and my side loses if it's my fault.” He shrank into himself. “And it is. I shouldn't have blabbed.”

“How does it end, if it ends?”

“If the bet is voided, everything reverts to what it was before the bet got in motion. But if I am responsible, Demon Xanth will lose the bet, and it must be something important. I can't stand to be responsible.”

“Tell me all, and I'll decide whether to keep my beak shut.”

“How can I trust you? You just defeathered me. I'm stork naked.”

She considered. “True. I was mad. I thought you did it on purpose, or out of stupidity. Now I see you are a helpless creature of fate, as I am. I apologize.”

“That doesn't restore my feathers. I can't even fly until they grow back.”

“There's a healing spring not far from here. This way.” She walked away from him.

What could he do? He followed her, ashamed of his nakedness.

“There,” she said, pointing with a wingtip.

It looked like a mud puddle, but he took her word and walked into it. The pain stopped and new feathers sprouted wherever the mud touched. He got down and rolled in it, getting all of his skin and feathers restored. He was whole again. No wonder he hadn't known about this spring, if it existed in his own reality; who would have guessed?

“Congratulations, mudball,” she said. “You're re-feathered.”

And completely black with mud. He would not be able to fly with that fouling his feathers. “Is there a clear water spring or river or lake nearby?”

“I'll take you there while you tell me the whole story.”

What did he have to lose, at this point? “Maybe we should start with an introduction. I am Stymy Stork.”

“You can't be. That's my name.”

“Your name?”

“Stymie Stork.”

“Oh, now I see. I'm the male variant, with a Y.”

“I'm IE.”

“I am glad to meet you, Stymie Stork.”

“Likewise, I think, Stymy.”

“We have the same territory. We're equivalent.”

“Almost,” she agreed, glancing modestly aside.

“Except for gender,” he agreed. “And you're lovely. Pardon my candor.”

“You aren't lovely.” But she seemed flattered.

He climbed out of the mud and they walked to the clear water she knew of. He told her the whole story of the bet and the challenge to Surprise Golem to recover her baby without being corrupted.

“But that's a rigged case,” she protested. “If she sacrifices the children to get her baby, she's corrupted. If she sacrifices the baby to save the children, she's corrupted. Your side loses either way.”

“That's why we have to find the children,” he said. “So she doesn't have to make that choice.”

“I see.” She considered a moment. “I know Surprise Golem. She lost her soul four years ago, and hasn't been decent since. She faked a marriage to Umlaut and even signaled the stork with him nine months ago, but of course we refused to honor the order. She doesn't deserve a baby.”

“Not as she is in this reality,” he agreed. “I didn't know that when I delivered. I can't think why I wasn't suspicious.”

“Because Morgan le Fey enchanted you to not be,” she said. “Now that you've explained about the way she took over Surprise, things are clarifying. You were a victim of circumstance, as was I.”

“Yes.”

They walked in silence to the clear river she knew of. Stymy waded gladly in. In two and a half moments he was clean and white again. He emerged and shook himself off.

“I will keep your secret,” Stymie said. “I'm not one of the participants, so if I don't tell, there's no harm done.”

“Thank you!” he said, vastly relieved. “I could kiss you.” Storks did not kiss in the sloppy way humans did, of course; it was more a matter of clicking beaks together. But the sentiment was similar.

“Not if I kiss you first,” she said, and clicked his beak. “I'm sorry I pulled your feathers. I didn't understand.”

“That's all right,” he said, stunned in much the way a human man would have been by the gesture.

“I have been in trouble much as you have,” she confided. “I'm on probation too. One more bad mistake and I'm out on my tail. That's why I was so angry. I searched for you—for whoever made that wrong delivery—and, well, I have a temper.”

“I noticed,” he agreed.

“I didn't understand. I wish I could make it up to you.”

“You have done that, by restoring my feathers and agreeing to keep silent about the Demon bet.”

“You're very nice.” She clicked his beak again.

“Don't do that! You'll get me all excited.”

“That had occurred to me,” she confessed.

“I can't be distracted. I have to search for the lost children.”

“I'll help you search, to make up for your lost time.”

“I haven't lost a lot of time yet. But I need to resume the search.”

“And I need to make it up to you, for my misunderstanding. And because I understand about fouling up and being on probation. That's my case too.”

“We are much alike,” he agreed.

“Describe the children we are searching for.”

Stymy was glad to oblige. “The boy is Demon Ted, age ten, half demon, sort of surly in expression. He is constantly rebellious and getting himself and others into trouble.”

“Absolutely typical male human child. I have delivered many who grew into such children.”

“The girl is DeMonica, also ten, half demon, and looks like Ted's twin, but she's actually no relation. She's cute, with hair that changes without notice, and she's looking ahead to when she can fascinate boys with her panties.”