Still Waving (14 page)

‘Does he think he's innocent? If he does I'll never talk to him again and I don't think Toby should go and live with him.' I stamped my foot and crossed my arms.

‘I don't think Wayne thinks your father is innocent as such.'

‘What do you mean, as such?'

‘I think Wayne believes something about your father's mental state and his war experiences contributing to his behaviour, but I know he thinks your father was insane to do what he did. I'm sure part of you does too, Julie.'

‘That's it. He's not welcome here again.'

‘Oh Julie,' Aunt Jean sighed. ‘I'm not saying he thinks your father is innocent. He feels sorry for him. I guess it's about compassion.'

‘What about Mum, Jonathon and Jennifer?' I shouted accusingly.

‘Calm down. You're upset over a misunderstanding. Sit down. Come on Julie, please.'

I sat reluctantly. I kept my arms crossed and glared out to sea. Toby came out.

‘What's going on? Are you two fighting?'

‘No Julie's upset about Wayne visiting your father.'

‘He's his brother.'

‘So you think it's all right too, do you?' I turned on Toby.

‘Of course I don't. I won't talk to him about it, you know that. It's just Dad's his brother, that's all.'

I thought of the story Ruby had told me about her cousin and how no one would visit him and that was part of the punishment for what he'd done.

‘Dad should rot,' I said angrily. ‘No one should visit him.'

Aunt Jean and Toby said nothing.

‘Uncle Wayne's a traitor.'

‘No he's not,' Toby answered angrily. ‘He's not. He feels sorry for Dad and the mess he's made. That's why he visits him.' Toby looked to Aunt Jean for support.

‘Julie, Wayne is as horrified as the rest of us at what your father has done. I think it shows Wayne is a good man to be compassionate towards his brother.' Aunt Jean tried to reason with me.

‘I'd visit you,' Toby said.

‘Don't be ridiculous.'

‘I would.'

I was getting nowhere. They were ganging up on me.

‘You knew that was part of the reason that Wayne came down,' Aunt Jean said softly, touching my arm.

‘I know. I just didn't think about it, that's all. Has the kettle boiled?'

I didn't want to hear anymore. My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn't grasp what I wanted to say.

‘I made the tea,' Toby said quietly.

‘I'll get the rest of my stuff.' I walked away.

‘I don't want to go for a walk if you're going to be in a bad mood,' Toby shouted at my back.

‘I'm not in a bad mood.'

‘I don't want to talk about Uncle Wayne, either.'

‘Fine. We won't talk. We'll just walk.'

Toby looked unsure.

‘I mean it.'

I felt that excluded feeling I'd felt when I'd first heard about what my father had done. Adults whispered all around us. Back then, Toby and I were united in feeling like adults closed doors in our faces. No one would tell what was going on, as if we didn't know. Now Toby, Aunt Jean and Uncle Wayne were doing it to me. I hadn't even been consulted about Toby not coming back to live. It was like I was the last to know. How fair is that? I hit the walls as I walked along to my bedroom, being careful not to hurt myself.

I yanked open my top drawer. The letter sat there. Why did it look so innocent? I guess because it was only words on paper. But what would those words say? A lump grew in my throat. I didn't have to read it. No one was making me. I sat down, my legs shaking a bit. Don't spin out, I yelled silently at myself. Stay cool. I breathed slowly and deeply. Gradually I felt my heart return to a normal beat.

‘Jules, what's up? Are you all right?'

‘Yeah, fine. I just got sidetracked.'

I grabbed the letter out of the drawer and pushed it into my back pocket and walked slowly to the kitchen.

‘I'm carrying the drinks.' Toby offered me a day-pack. I was grateful it was quite light.

Aunt Jean came to the front door to wave us off.

‘Don't know what time we'll be home,' I said.

‘Before dark, I hope. It's nearly twelve now.'

Where had the morning gone? I was amazed.

‘We'll be back long before dark. We've only packed lunch,' Toby said.

The furrows on Aunt Jean's forehead seemed to be getting deeper. I knew from her look that she wanted to say something like, don't do anything foolish. Her eyes met mine.

‘We'll be careful.'

The look she gave me was apologetic.

‘I know. I trust you both to be sensible. It's just that people have been swept off the rocks before, even on seemingly calm days.'

‘Black Friday. Da dad a de dum.' I hummed the tune to
The Death March
.

Toby joined in. We walked down the stairs as if we were in a funeral procession.

Aunt Jean laughed from the top of the stairs. ‘Have a good time.'

I stopped humming when we reached the outside of the building. We started walking down the hill.

‘Doesn't that bug the crap out of you?' Toby huffed.

‘What.' I looked around for the annoyance.

‘The way Aunt Jean treats us like kids.'

‘I know. I go her about it all the time. Now she's hassling me about my school results and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.'

‘One more time and, well …'

I looked at Toby expectantly. He said nothing.

‘Well?'

‘I dunno. Something.'

‘Something like what?'

‘I said I dunno, didn't I?'

‘You must have been thinking of something.'

‘Not really. You know you sometimes say like if that happens again, I'll, I'll … but you never really know what you'll do. Do you get me?'

‘I suppose I do. I was just wondering if you were going to say something violent.'

‘What makes you think that?'

‘A hunch. Worldly experience. I'm not having a go or anything Toby. I was just thinking, you know, sometimes like if someone does something bad to me, I say I'll kill them. It doesn't mean I really would, could or want to, but it's an expression, you know. I don't mean it.'

‘Dad said it enough and he meant it.'

‘I don't want to talk about that. I'm talking about how funny language is.'

‘I don't get it.'

We walked in silence for a short distance.

‘When you said if Aunt Jean said it again you'd well, and then stopped. I …'

‘Not that again.'

‘Toby I'm trying to explain something.'

Toby raised his eyes to the sky.

‘I thought you were going to say something like I'll punch her or something.'

‘I don't say things like that.'

I stopped walking and looked at Toby. It was like I was seeing him for the first time.

‘Toby, I didn't mean you were violent or anything.'

Toby didn't answer.

‘Toby!' I had to walk faster to keep up. ‘Toby, I was talking about you know how we use violent language even though we consider ourselves not to be violent.'

‘Pacificists, you mean.'

‘Sort of, but the word's pacifist.'

‘Whatever.'

‘At the beach the other day, Kate said her mother would slap her down if she cried for nothing. I asked her if her mother would slap her really. She said no, it was just a figure of speech.'

‘What are you on about now?'

‘Don't you understand a word of what I'm saying?'

‘Not one single word and I sure don't know why you want to talk about violence.'

‘I don't want to talk about violence.'

‘Sure sounds like it.'

‘Toby, don't you get my point about how funny language is?'

‘I had no idea that's what you were talking about.' Toby truly sounded exasperated. ‘Jules, why do you always come up with these stupid questions?'

‘I don't. Forget it.' I was fuming at how I'd forgotten I couldn't have this sort of conversation with Toby. Boys could be so stupid sometimes. I felt like I was talking to a picket fence. I wanted to explain myself, but there was no point. I gave up and walked in silence.

I became aware of the letter in my back pocket. I felt nervous. Butterflies flew around in my stomach. My mouth was dry. I still wasn't sure what we'd do with the letter when we reached the grotto. It may still end up in a thousand unread pieces floating out to sea.

Toby and I waded through the children's ocean pool.

‘You know this mural is partly the Aboriginal story of how the sea was made.'

Toby looked at the mosaic more intently.

‘Look, single-cell life to now.' I pointed out the amoeba shapes.

‘It's about how there's always earth, air and sea.'

‘But not necessarily people,' Toby laughed.

We walked towards the headland. The sun was relentless. I was glad I had a long-sleeved shirt and my hat on. The sea breeze cooled me down, but I could feel the warmth of the sun emanating from the dry rocks. The misunderstanding of earlier had evaporated as I studied various rock shapes, shells and crabs.

We came to the tidal rock pool. It was quite full, but the tide was receding.

‘Do you think it's safe to go this way, or should we go back over the top?'

Toby studied the rocks and the sea. Spumes sprayed us from the waves crashing against the rocks. I could feel the pull of the receding water as it whirled around my ankles, splashing my knees.

‘Is it safe? No sharks are going to grab our legs, or octopus or something. Barracuda!' Toby jumped up, closer to the rocks.

‘Don't be an idiot.' I laughed at Toby's irrational fears.

Big Rock sat impassively in the swirling tide, accessible only to the birds. This rock never ceased to amaze and puzzle me. It was so out of place in the landscape. There was not another like it for miles. I wondered if some time in the future it would be gone, returning to its original home. Wherever that was,
no one really knew. There was a lot of speculation. If any one theory was right, there'd still be someone to argue the toss.

I wished the two fibreglass mermaids, that had previously sat on the rock had been able to sustain the constant battering of the sea and still be there. One mermaid washed away in the seventies. The other was removed a couple of years later, because of storm damage. I imagined them basking on the rock in the day, and slipping off into the sea to eat, once the sun was down. What did mermaids eat? Surely not fish! That would be like cannibalism. Maybe they only ate sea grasses and weeds. Maybe even anemones.

‘I wish the mermaids were still there.'

We gazed at the rock and the birds circling above.

‘If mermaids are girls from the sea, what are boys called?' Toby asked.

‘Mermen, I think.'

Toby laughed. ‘Mermen? Sure.'

‘Aunt Jean used the word in Scrabble, once.'

‘Must be true.'

‘Can you imagine the wave that washed that rock up?'

We stared out to sea, as if we half expected a reenactment.

We scrambled around the cliff edge. The tide was too high to risk wading in submerged alcoves. The rip
here was strong enough to drag an elephant out.

‘What'll we do?'

‘We'll have to wait a little while. The tide's going out.'

I took the pack off and sat against the rock.

‘I'm hungry.'

‘Toby, we've hardly left the flat.'

‘I'm growing. I need food otherwise my legs ache.'

‘Crap.'

‘It's true.'

‘If you say so but I'm not hungry and I'm growing. I'm thirsty.'

‘It's about the centre of gravity being different with boys and girls.'

I looked at him astounded. Centre of gravity? What was he talking about? I'd never heard of the centre of gravity theory.

‘Where did you hear that?'

‘Phys Ed.'

‘Are you telling the truth?'

‘Of course I am. I couldn't make something like that up.'

‘I suppose not. I've never ever heard that before.'

‘You didn't do Phys Ed when we changed schools. Remember Mr … Mr …'

‘Chambers?'

‘Yeah that's him.'

‘I'm going to ask my Health teacher when I go back to school.'

‘You do that.'

‘I will.'

‘Anyway I didn't say you had to eat. I'll just have half a sandwich, a banana and a muesli bar to keep me going,' Toby said as he undid his pack.

‘You're unreal.'

‘What?'

It was good natured. A month ago we'd be having a full-scale argument by now. I wondered if a month's distance did this, what would a whole year do? I glanced sideways at Toby eating.

‘Look at that.'

I looked to where he pointed. A silver whiting hung on the end of a fishing line being reeled in. The fish wriggled and squirmed, before it was brought down on to the rock.

‘That's what we ought to be doing,' Toby said.

‘I couldn't.'

‘Why not? I didn't think you'd be scared of the waves.'

‘No, don't be stupid. It's killing the fish. I couldn't do it.'

‘You really have become citified.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Back home we have to kill for food. It's just normal
bush stuff. You used to eat the rabbit or roo Dad killed.'

It was true. I'd even learnt to shoot rabbits when I was younger.

‘I guess I've just been gone from the country so long, I've forgotten you know. Anyway if you remember, I couldn't kill anything after I got to about eleven.'

‘Don't remember.'

‘It was because I found that rabbit with myxomatosis next to the dam.'

‘What rabbit?'

‘It wasn't much more than a kitten, but I had to kill it because it was really suffering. I couldn't do it.'