Still Thinking of You (36 page)

‘What’s the joke?’ asked Jason.

‘Oh, Scaley, if you knew what my expectations were for this holiday, you’d be laughing, too.’

Jason grinned, wanting to be affable, keen to be in on the joke. ‘Well, tell me, then.’

‘I came here to seduce you,’ laughed Mia.

Jesus, how much had she had to drink? Jason stared, too stunned to respond. Mia barely noticed as she sped on, her words tumbling out on to the table cloth between them.

‘Are you surprised? Honestly, I thought it would be a doddle. You being such a tart and me being, well, not unattractive. But I might as well have been invisible. Admittedly, I hadn’t factored in Jayne’s presence, and you always were a sucker for fresh blood.’ Mia smiled to indicate that there were no hard feelings. ‘So, I guess you could conclude that the holiday has failed to live up to my expectations as we haven’t got grubby together.’

Mia was choosing to be flip and funny. She was scared that if she hesitated, even for a second, her giggle would become less amused and more of a morbid cackle. Oh, God, she wanted a baby. She longed for a baby.

Not a woman who was normally keen on swapping confidences, Mia felt an overwhelming urge to disclose how much she wanted a child. She wondered if she should tell Scaley about her plan, now that he wasn’t part of it. It would be a relief to talk about her secret longings. It was odd that none of her close friends had any idea what she wanted most in life was a new life. It had been impossible to tell Jase about the plan to have a child on her own when it was his child she wanted to bring up on her own, but now there was nothing standing in her way. She felt a tremendous compulsion to explain how desolate she felt, how purposeless. She was sure that a child would eradicate all feelings of loneliness. He or she would imbue her life with an indisputable sense of meaning. Would Scaley understand her longing? Maybe if she told him it was like longing for a Lamborghini Murciélago. The analogy seemed inadequate. Scaley was her best friend, but would he understand how wretched she felt? Could he comprehend just how reckless she had been tempted to be? Mia needed his empathy and compassion. If he laughed at her crazy plan to conceive a child with him, she would be crushed.

Best to keep quiet. Best to allow him to believe he was simply irresistible. Mia tried to stay upbeat.

‘But you know what, Scaley? I don’t really mind that we haven’t got it on. It’s probably a good thing. How could I have gone to bed with you? I have big boobs and big thighs, and you’ve been living in silicon city for over a decade.’

‘But you were my first love,’ stuttered Jason, finally finding words.

‘Yes, and I was still defying gravity at the time. It’s better to let the memory live. The contemporary reality would be a shock.’

‘My first
love
,’ repeated Jason, placing the emphasis on love. He took a deep breath and held Mia’s gaze. He hoped she’d understand. He needed her to understand. All day he’d been wondering what would it be like to hold Mia close to him again? To smell her skin. To kiss her lips. To smell her sex. To kiss her tits. He’d been having these thoughts and simultaneously been dismissing them. Telling himself such fantasies were pure madness, a direct result of too much mountain air, he’d been telling himself that Mia would never, ever look at him in that way again. But to hear Mia say that she wanted to seduce him too, well, it was amazing.

‘My first love,’ he said again. He wanted to add ‘and only’, but didn’t have the courage. How much had she had to drink?

Mia rolled her eyes around her head and her wine around her glass.

‘That hardly matters. It’s the last lay that is the important one. No, it could never work, we’ve tried too much. Too much variety. There’s been too much water under our respective bridges.’

Jason was irritated that Mia dismissed the idea of them sleeping together as quickly as she’d brought it up. The woman could be so fickle!

‘And, anyway, something else really positive has come out of my not being successful in my quest.’

Jason really couldn’t imagine a positive aspect to their not having renewed carnal knowledge.

‘Something really amazing has happened anyway, don’t you think so?’ asked Mia. ‘I’ve had a great day today. I really feel I know you again. I feel so close to you, and there’s no way that consequence would have come out of our having sex,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘I’ve missed our friendship, so in that sense that holiday has surpassed my expectations –’ Mia would have carried on, but Jason leant over the table and kissed her.

Tender, plump lips that she’d never forgotten.

The kiss was persistent, but slow. A confident kiss, full of assurance and intention.

Mia didn’t exactly kiss him back, but she didn’t exactly push him away either. For once in her life she surrendered to the moment. For a moment. Then she broke away and demanded, ‘What was that for?’

‘I felt like it?’

‘Why did you feel like it?’

Jason laughed. ‘I don’t know. It just felt like the thing to do. You are right, we have had a lovely day. And you are right, you are not unattractive. In fact, for a moment there you were extremely attractive, and I just wanted to kiss you.’

Mia thought about this. Was this what she wanted now? Now that she’d decided Scaley Jase wasn’t the right man to father her child. Did she still want him?

‘Stop thinking, Mia. Just allow your feelings to take control for once.’

Mia thought about how she felt. It was a compromise.

The kiss had been good. No denying that. It was lovely, it was firm and gentle and sexy all at once. It was…

Jason leant across the table and kissed her again. This time she kissed him back. The kiss made them feel strangely rooted and stirred up. Fervent and ardent kisses that were utterly familiar and fascinatingly unique. They kissed as though they had never kissed one another before, and yet they felt as though they had never touched any other lips except each other’s.

‘Let’s leave dinner and go to bed,’ Jason whispered, when they finally pulled apart. ‘Let’s make sure that this holiday meets your expectations and surpasses mine.’

They scraped back their chairs and rushed out of the restaurant, not caring that they were leaving before the main course had even arrived.

60. Jase and Mia, Again

They ran through the hotel lobby and up the stairs, not wasting any time waiting for the lift. All the words that they had bandied and brandished between them suddenly seemed redundant. Neither of them had any idea how to articulate the desire that now overpowered them. They did not care if it was longing that had lain dormant for thirteen years or if it was craving whipped up by a cocktail of alcohol, mountain air and expediency. They ran holding hands and hopes, towards Mia’s room. As Mia scrambled about in her bag for the key, Jason threw her up against the wall in the hall. Without pausing to check for privacy, Jason started to kiss and bite Mia’s lips.

Their lips meshed together, they both kept their eyes wide open, not prepared to miss a single second. His hands explored her body, running up and down her arse, waist and tits, inside and outside her clothes. When his fingertips brushed against the lace of her bra, he felt scalded. He knew what was in there. He knew the exact roundness and softness. He knew what they looked like, her breasts, at the moment that they escaped from her bra. They bounced a little. A perfect amount. Who would have thought after chasing endless new thrills that the old ones could be quite so dynamite?

It was difficult to focus on unlocking the door, but eventually they did so, and they fell into the room and straight on to the bed. Jason lifted Mia’s fleece above her head. She assisted him, manoeuvring, wriggling, twisting and writhing to facilitate their mutual stripteases. He slipped off her T-shirt, and she pulled off his jumper; he struggled out of his jeans. He was a little broader than she remembered, and he had gentle curves of flesh around his waistline. Mia felt reassured. More, she felt turned on that his boyishness had developed into manliness, even if manliness inevitably meant stout bodies and the occasional grey chest hair.

He tugged her jeans off her legs, showering her body with kisses as he did so. He kissed her stomach. Yes, slightly rounder than thirteen years ago. He loved it; it was so womanly. He kissed her thighs. Were they more spread as she’d insisted? Probably. God, he loved them. They felt soft and yielding, every bit as delicious as they had felt the first time he’d tentatively fingered the lace on the leg of her panties. And the smell of her! It was the same. He doubted that she still used the same soap or washing powder, but it seemed familiar. Certainly the slightly musky, sexy smell was the same. Jason buried his face into her panties and breathed in deeply. Mia felt his warm breath shimmy up between her legs, swirl around her stomach and up into her chest. It was as though he were breathing life into her. She felt like a regular Sleeping Beauty, suddenly reawakened. None of the lovers that had found his way to the space between her legs had ever found his way to the spaces in her head and heart.

It took only a few short minutes until they were both naked. They had wasted a lot of time, and neither was inclined to waste any more. Jason lay on top of Mia and expertly slipped his cock inside her.

‘You’re sure?’

‘God, yes,’ she nodded enthusiastically. ‘I want you.’

‘I want you, too, Mia.’

She wanted him in every sense. She wanted to ride him, she wanted to talk to him, she wanted to taste him, to touch him and to have and hold him. God, she’d missed him. She hadn’t realized how much until this second when his fat cock was plugging her, filling her with hope and happiness, and releasing her, too. Releasing her from the relentless search, the terrible loneliness. Sex had always been good between them. Honest and adventurous and open. At that exact moment, Mia realized that it had always been that way because they had always been honest, adventurous and open. More so than with any other living soul.

Imagine that. Oh, shit. She could carry on. She could let him shag her and maybe, just maybe, he would impregnate her. Then she’d never be lonely again. She’d have her baby. She would have his baby. She could pour all her dormant love on to the child. She could have a life that always felt as amazing as today had felt. She’d have a life full of fun and laughter and joy. Pure simple joy, instead of a life full of wisecracks and angry e-mails about time sheets and holiday forms. Her life would have meaning.

But. But. How would he feel if he ever found out he was the father? He was bound to ask her if she got pregnant after this. If she told him the truth, would he feel responsible, trapped? But, if she didn’t tell him, denied that the baby was his, then one day the baby might need a blood transplant or something. That always happened in soap operas. Then it would all come out. Then how would he feel? She hadn’t thought this out. She’d thought of nothing else for months, and she was a rational and intelligent woman, but she hadn’t really thought this out.

But the blood donor thing, that wouldn’t happen in real life, would it? She wasn’t thinking clearly. She wasn’t thinking at all. She was feeling. Feeling very deeply. And keeping quiet didn’t feel right.

‘I want you and I want your baby,’ she blurted.

Jason laughed. ‘God, I love that about you, Mia. You’re always having a laugh. Always there with the quick comebacks. God, I’ve missed you.’ He kissed her magenta nipples and gently continued to move inside her.

‘I’m not joking. I want your baby.’ Mia paused, and pushed Jason away so that she could look into his eyes. ‘That’s why I wanted to seduce you. I want to have a baby with you.’ Mia felt Jason’s cock melt inside her. ‘No, no, don’t panic,’ she pleaded.

What had she imagined? ‘I want your baby’ had never been the type of bedroom talk that was likely to turn Jason on. She quickly clenched her pelvic muscles in an effort to entice him back into action.

‘I wasn’t expecting you to get involved or anything,’ she rushed to explain.

‘What?’ Jason pulled away, sat up and grabbed the duvet to cover his now 100 per cent flaccid manhood.

Mia looked sulky. Bugger, she shouldn’t have let that slip out. Now everything was ruined.

‘It’s OK,’ she soothed. ‘Think of it as a donation. Charitable donation, if you like. I’ve looked into sperm banks, but I didn’t trust the CVs, so I thought –’

Mia broke off. It was a difficult proposition to word with your knickers flung on to the bedside table.

‘As I say, I wasn’t expecting any long-term commitment from you, not at all. Just a few minutes of your undivided time and –’ Jason looked furious. ‘I should have said something earlier, not just sprung this on you. I really, really want a baby, and I can’t do it on my own, can I? Well, I can. Most of it. All of it. Except the actual conception. It’s just an idea.’

Mia paused, dropping her gaze. Jason looked incensed beyond words. Mia played with the sheet, manically twisting it around her forefinger.

‘To think I wanted to shag your brains out. It looks like someone else has beaten me to it.’

‘What?’ demanded Mia, leaping off the bed and swiftly pulling on her abandoned fleece to cover her exposed breasts.

‘Have sex just to make a baby?’ Jason spat out the idea as though it were poison.

‘That’s what sex is for,’ yelled Mia.

‘What an outrageous, contemptible, infantile idea.’

Mia was taken aback. ‘You’re calling me infantile? It’s you who’s stuck in adolescence.’

‘You think so?’

‘Yes.’

Actually, only minutes ago Mia had stopped thinking that Scaley Jase was an irresponsible forever-juvenile. She’d started to think of him as a rather sophisticated lover and soul mate. But no, he was reverting to type. God, how stupid could she be? He blows on her knickers and blows out her mind. After all these years, you’d think she’d know better.

‘So, you think I’m permanently adolescent, but fit to be a father? Isn’t your argument somewhat flawed?’

‘Biologically fit to be a father. I told you I wouldn’t want you to be really involved. I’d do it all on my own. I want a baby.’

‘Babies aren’t like Gucci bags. You don’t just fancy owning one and go and pick it up. They are not this season’s must-have accessories,’ yelled Jason.

‘I never said they were. Don’t be insulting.’ Hot tears sprang into Mia’s eyes.

The bastard. He had no idea. Gucci bags, indeed. She’d never coveted a single fashion accessory in her life. Didn’t he know anything about her? He clearly wouldn’t ever be able to understand her aching for a baby. He had no idea that she wandered around Mothercare on her Saturday mornings. Mothercare, not even Baby Gap. It wasn’t as though she indulged by just looking at frivolous things such as cute baby-gros and socks. She did serious research on the unglamorous stuff, too. She’d already picked out the exact pram she wanted (one with an attachable car seat) and the changing mat and the baby bath. And what she didn’t know about breast pumps really wasn’t worth knowing. This wasn’t a passing phase.

‘Babies are magical,’ shouted Jason.

‘I know that,’ counterargued Mia. ‘That’s why I didn’t want to go to a sperm bank –’

‘Any child I sire will be a sum of everything that’s gone before me. Some Neanderthal had to rub a couple of sticks together before he could get his end away so that my ancestry could begin.’

‘What are you talking about?’ demanded Mia, confused. ‘Your ancestry isn’t particularly impressive. I didn’t even consider your ancestry. You are entirely new money, but besides that I’m not asking for your money.’ Mia was baffled. Why couldn’t he give her this one little thing? It was just a shag. That’s all he had to do. It wasn’t so much to ask, was it? Jason shagged all sorts. Only five minutes ago he’d wanted to shag her.

‘You are insane.’

Jason started to move around the room collecting his clothes. He pushed his foot into a sock and threaded his leg through his trousers in a couple of double-fast moves. ‘Have my bloody money. You are welcome to every last penny of it. You are welcome to everything I own. Well, except for my porn collection, perhaps. Some of the tapes I have are irreplaceable, and I can’t imagine you having much use for them, anyway.’ Jason shook his head as if to clear it – he didn’t want to be sidetracked. ‘But what you are asking for is far more precious. Far more valuable. You’re asking for a bit of me. Possibly the best bit. My future.’

‘And is that so bad?’ Mia yelled back because she wanted to match Jason, and he was shouting very loudly.

‘Have you any idea what you are suggesting? What you’d be taking on?’

‘There are plenty of single mums out there.’

‘Not many of them opt to be so. You are so arrogant, Mia. Even this, you think you can do on your own, better than with help.’ Jason stopped yelling and tried to breathe deeply. He needed her to understand, and he wasn’t sure he was making a good job of explaining. He was dressed and had his hand on the door knob. He wanted to get out of the bedroom which was, in reality, comfortable and spacious, but in his mind was claustrophobic, threatening.

‘Let’s just play out this ludicrous scenario. Imagine if I did do, do –’ For the first time in his life, Jason was without the ability to find a word to describe sex. He pointed at the bed. ‘Imagine if I do what you want me to do. What would you teach this baby that I surrender up into your hands? How to have a good time? How to enjoy life? How to love? I don’t think so. All you are capable of teaching is how to be hard and calculating and mind-blowingly selfish.’

‘I know how to love, Jason. I know how to love,’ she yelled. But Jason didn’t hear her, as he’d slammed the door behind him and stormed down the corridor.

Mia grabbed a pillow and folded her body into it. She was used to pillows providing night-time company and all-time consolation. She fell asleep quietly sobbing.