Still Into You (3 page)

“I’m going to miss you, Mia,” he said quietly. She turned around in his arms, needing to see his face. And the tears she saw in his eyes hurt deep in her heart.

“I’m sorry, Ethan,” she said, touching his cheek.

“Don’t. Please,” he said, pulling her into his arms. She rested her head on his chest, her hand feeling his heartbeat, letting it calm her. They stayed like that for a few minutes. She listened to his heart, hoping within the beat she could find the secret to his strength, because she desperately needed some.

“So, I, uh, have something to confess,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Am I going to like this?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he paused, collecting himself before he spoke again. “That night in St. Paul, I read your notebook.”

Her eyes went wide in shock. Fuck. He knew a lot more than she thought he did. “Oh . . . you did?” she asked, trying to stay calm.

“Yeah,” he said, lost in thought.

She swallowed deeply, feeling uncomfortable, knowing he now knew her thoughts—things she’d never told him. So many of her damn fears and insecurities. And so, of course, she responded with humor.

“So, what’d you think? A good read?”

“Mia,” he warned.

“Sorry, but seriously.”

“Though it left me with a lot of questions, some parts I did enjoy.”

“Oh God!” she cried in embarrassment, knowing to what he referred. “You didn’t read what I wanted to do to you when I saw you next?”

“What an imagination you have,” he said, caressing her arm.

“I am blushing so hard right now,” she mumbled against his chest. Lead with a joke and go in for the seriousness. She knew what he was doing. He read the journal—he knew about the drugs. But what else? She tried to think of what she had written in that notebook. “There were a lot of thoughts in my notebook . . .”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “A lot.”

He was quiet as he smoothed her hair. She knew him—he was thinking of what he read.

“Say it, Ethan.”

He sighed. “There was a lot in there that scared me.”

“There’s a lot in my life that scares me too. My past, especially.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me about any of this?”

“I didn’t want to burden you,” she offered weakly.

“Burden me?”

“You worry about so much that I didn’t want to add to it . . .”

“I wanted to know about this. I wanted you to open up to me. I . . . I wanted you to trust me.”

“I—” she began before he cut her off.

“Who ruined you, Mia?”

The sudden rush of tears surprised her, but the shaking did not. Thoughts of her mother always did that to her. Like a joke made a person laugh, thoughts of her mother made her shake.

“You’re trembling!” he exclaimed, lifting her chin, seeing her tears. He held her tight, his strong arms doing what they always did, calming her down, making her feel safe. The shaking eventually stopped, but she couldn’t answer him. She wasn’t ready.

“I can’t, Ethan,” she cried.

“Shh, we don’t need to talk about that now,” he said, his eyes filled with concern, his voice warm and comforting. “You’ll tell me about it one day? You’ll stop evading me? You’ll trust me enough?”

“I will tell you, I promise.”

His arms encircled her and she buried her face against his strong chest, thankful for the reprieve.

“Can I ask you one question?” he spoke, his chin resting on the top of her head.

“Sure,” she replied, a little afraid of what he may ask.

“The drugs . . . are you done with them?”

She was silent while she thought about it. Was she? The first week after St. Paul, she was in a constant drug-induced state. Now she was sober, had been for a couple weeks anyway. She didn’t know for sure if she was done though, but that was not what she said to him.

“I am.”

“How long has it been?”

Shit!

She could lie to him and tell him that night was the last, but found she had to tell him the truth.

“I would really love to say to you that the night you found out was the last night, but it wasn’t,” she said miserably. His hand tightened around her waist and he exhaled loudly. “It’s been over two weeks. Right after you left, I, uh . . .”

“You what?” he pushed.

“I think I was high for a week straight. I was not in a good place.”

“Why did you stop?”

“I don’t really know. I came out of that haze looking for a much-needed breath. That breath allowed me to see that I wasn’t just escaping the pain of you. I was escaping life. So, now I’ve got to figure out why I let that happen and how I can fix it for good.”

“I should have been there, Mia.”

“It’s fine. I’m okay now.”

He kissed her head and whispered, “No, you’re not.” She wanted to weep because he was right. She missed being happy.

“Well, I’m better than I was. That’s got to count for something, right?”

“I guess.”

“But I still have some things to work through.”

She could sense his impatience in the way he held his body against hers. “How long, Mia?”

“I don’t know, Ethan. I wish I could give you an answer. I wish I had an instruction manual to tell me what I need to do.”

“Well, you can always come to me if you ever need any help, just so you know. Hell, you can come to me even if you don’t need help.”

She looked up to face him and smiled tenderly. “A very interesting proposition.”

“I mean it, Mia.”

She touched his handsome face and kissed his parted lips.

“I know, Ethan. I will not become a stranger.”

Her heart ached under her breast as his mouth covered hers hungrily. She let out a shuddered breath when she felt his desire for her against her stomach. He pulled away from her and she groaned with the absence.

“This does not hurt, Mia,” he confessed, his hand cupping her cheek. “The only thing that does is the thought of saying goodbye to you.”

He was right, when it came to just him, but she had a whole lot of other hurt that she had to finally get over. She needed to face it, tackle it, and put it on a shelf for good.

“You and I . . . we’re great together, Mia,” he breathed against her mouth before capturing her lips in another sweet kiss. She had to stop him because she wanted him again.

“I’m not going to argue that.”

“But you’ll deny yourself that.”

“Ouch.”

“Am I wrong?” he demanded. She did not want to answer that. “Am I?”

“No! Do you think I want to say goodbye to you?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know anything,” he muttered, sitting up and fixing his pants. She moved her legs and sat up, regarding him. He ran his hand through his hair. He was definitely frustrated.

“Know that I do love you, Ethan.”

“Mia, be happy with me.”

“I want that, Ethan, but I’m not happy right now.”

“Then be unhappy with me.”

The moment he said it, they both laughed. “Not what I meant.”

“I know,” she said with a sweet smile. “Just give me some time.”

“I’ll give you whatever you need, Mia.” He leaned over and kissed her again, leaning into her, pressing her back against the couch until she became aware of her lack of underwear. She gasped and pushed against his chest until he moved aside.

“My panties?” she said, searching the floor. He laughed heartily at that. “No, seriously. I don’t know where they are!”

“A present for Luke for letting us use his office like this.”

“He’ll be so mad!” she said with a giggle. “Oh, I forgot to tell you something.”

“Hmm?” he said, caressing her knee.

“I never congratulated you on your championship. You won it all!”

“As you asked.”

Mia frowned at that. She would have loved to have been there. Another regret.

“I wonder where Luke is,” she asked, changing the subject for her own good.

“What are you doing with him?”

“I don’t know. Hopefully he’ll feed me.”

“Are you excited that the tour is almost over?” he asked, pulling her closer to him and she rested her head upon his shoulder.

“Very.”

“Does that mean you’re excited to play your next shows?”

“Yeah, I am,” she paused and wondered if he still planned on being there. Hesitantly, she voiced that thought. “Are you coming to any?”

“Of course, I am,” he declared excitedly. “You’re my favorite rock star.”

“Really?” she asked in disbelief. He smiled and nodded at her.

“Well, I’ve made some changes to the setlist. I’ve been writing a lot. I sit in my bunk, think and write, and then I jam with the guys. I really like these new songs.”

“I can’t wait to hear them.”

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. “It’s probably Luke,” she guessed, rising from the sofa. She walked away from Ethan and crossed the room to unlock the door. She smiled when she saw her handsome best friend on the other side.

“Hi, Luke,” she said in greeting. His eyes took in his office, the closed blinds and Ethan sitting on his sofa, his hair a mess.

“My couch?” he exclaimed in disbelief.

“Hey, at least it wasn’t your desk,” Ethan said, zipping up his jeans.

“That could have been fun,” Mia said, visualizing it in her head.

She looked at Luke and could see his confusion, feel his need to ask questions, but she didn’t want to answer those in front of Ethan. Instead, she asked him if he was done with his day.

“Yeah. Sorry that meeting took longer than I thought.”

“It’s okay.”

“You about ready?” he asked, glancing at Ethan then at her.

She nodded, not trusting her voice because it was now time to say her goodbyes.

Ethan had made his way to the doorway. He took a step and stood outside of Luke’s office, on the other side of the threshold than her and Luke. He ran his hand through his hair like he always did when he was uncomfortable or frustrated. “Well, it was a pleasure seeing you, Mia.”

Fuck that. There was no way she was saying goodbye to him like this. She couldn’t just let him walk away. Mia grabbed his arm and turned him to face her and then threw her arms around him, holding him tight, her tears fighting to come out.

“Goodbye, suga,” he said with such torment that her heart ached. He turned from her and quickly walked away.

“Goodbye, Ethan,” she said quietly, watching him exit the building.

Luke took her by the arm and brought her back into his office. He closed the door and turned to her. “What the hell was that?”

She sighed heavily. “That was goodbye.”

“But the kissing, the sex I know you had in my office . . .”

She gave him a tremulous smile. “Goodbye.”

“Aww . . . I thought . . .”

“So did he, for a while.”

“What? Talk. Now.”

She hadn’t told Luke everything that had happened in St. Paul. All she’d told him was that she and Ethan decided to take a break and that she had some issues to work out, totally skipping over the drugs. She’d kept that from him for so long. After Mia and Luke had broken up, she had used pot and alcohol to cope with not being with him. She didn’t want to tell him that. Not now. So, she told him what had transpired in his office, leaving out the discussion about the drugs. She’d tell him some day. Right now, she didn’t want to lose him as well. So, she remained mum about her drug use and what really happened in that hotel room that night.

“But you love each other.”

“And I will make my way back to him—at some point. I just have to hope that at that time, he’ll still want me, that he’ll still love me.”

“What do you need to work through?”

“Oh, you’ll find out in good time, my best friend, because you will be part of the journey.”

“Oh I will?”

“Yes. It’s in the best friend guide book,” she said with a forced smile. She couldn’t tell Luke any more than she could tell Ethan.

Mia was alone in this.

Completely. Utterly. Alone.

Ethan

Reclining in his seat, Ethan barely listened to the opening band playing, completely lost in his thoughts. Luke had tried to talk to him about what was going on, but Ethan just couldn’t. Not here. Not now. Not with all these prying eyes.

Hell, that was really just an excuse. He just couldn’t bring himself to talk about the night that changed his fucking life. All he had been able to tell Luke was that he and Mia were on a break. After yesterday’s goodbye, it seemed like a lot more than a break.

Over.

It felt over.

He didn’t know when or even if he’d have her back with him again. When he’d asked her to marry him, he’d done so because he wanted her in his life forever. Fuck, he still did. He never imagined this whole chain of events happening. That he would lose her. Hell, he never imagined so many things that had happened over the past six months.

Ethan never saw her pain, but it had been there, taking her over. How did he never see it? That bothered him. She kept it from him and he let her. But thinking about it now, she had showed signs even before she went on tour, and then when she was on tour, he saw, now, how it only grew worse. Fuck. He wished he could have seen this back then.

He couldn’t miss the excited voices of the people around him noticing that he was there. Someone said that the magazine had to be wrong, why else would he be here? This time the tabloids were right. Though neither he nor Mia had confirmed or denied the reports of their separation. No, he was here torturing himself. Whatever. He didn’t care. He still loved her. He’d never stop.