Stilettos & Stubble (15 page)

Annie looked from
me to Tittie and then back to me again.  With a huge expulsion of air he stood
up and went to pour three brandies from his stash in the drawer.  ‘OK. OK.  You
two win.  I’ll do it.  But only for a couple of nights and on
one
condition.’

Tittie and I
nodded eagerly and began talking over one another, ‘What? What’s the condition? 
We’ll do it, whatever it is, promise!’

Annie smiled slowly
and narrowed his eyes at me.  ‘Oh not
both
of you.  Just
you
,
Percy.  I’ll go if you promise to give that Luke fella a call.  There.  That’s
the deal.’

Tittie was
giggling in the background.  They’d been in this together, plotting and
scheming and they had me over a barrel.

‘What?  No!  No,
I’m sorry I refuse to be blackmailed into something I don’t want to do.  That’s
just not fair, guys.’

‘OK,’ Annie said,
preparing to leave the room.  ‘No call, no
much needed
break for two
knackered old queens.  If we conk out on stage, on your head be it.’  And he
swept from the room with his head held high in the most dramatic exit he could
muster.

Tittie looked at
me and batted his eyelashes, clearly in a huff.  ‘I thought you loved us
Perce.  Do you
want
to see us dead?’

‘Oh don’t be so
ridiculous!  Nobody’s going to die.  I just don’t want to ring him and I don’t
see why you think it’s so important that I should.’

Tittie came over
and started playing with my hair, holding it up at one side then scooping it
into one hand.  ‘I want you to ring him because I think he’s a nice guy and you
need someone in your life.  You don’t want to die a miserable old spinster do
you?  Us queens won’t
always
be enough for you, you know.’

I studied myself
in the mirror as he pinned my hair up and started combing the other side.  In
my short time at the club I’d been totally transformed.  No, I didn’t want to
die lonely and maybe, just
maybe
, I did have the confidence to pick up
the phone and make that call.

But at that
moment in time I had enough presence of mind to lie and to buy myself some
time.

‘OK. Tittie.  You
win.  I’ll do it.  I’ll make the call but only when you’re in Brighton.  You
can’t say fairer than that.’

Tittie ran from
the room screeching, ‘Woo hoo!  We did it Annie!  We’re off to the seaside,
Honey!  Pack the bikinis and the buckets and spades!’

Chapter
Fifteen

It was a
ridiculously busy night.  Not many tables had been pre-booked and that meant that
the majority of business was made up of those queuing on the off-chance of an
evening of glamour and entertainment.

Annie and Tittie
had been worried about leaving me, knowing that there hadn’t been a lot of
reservations.  It always made for a busier night, as taking customers’ money
and showing them to their tables took up a huge chunk of time.

I’d brushed their
fears away and told them that there was no way they were backing out of their
weekend break.  It had been agreed that Betty would be the first and last act
on stage and then help me front of house during the busier times.

Which was why I
found myself behind the reception desk being flirted with by a six foot nine
inch (with heels) peroxide blonde in full war paint and sequins.

There had been a
lull in the traffic and Betty was giving it his best shot with me.

‘Come on Percy. 
Just say you’ll come out for a few drinks with me after the show.  If I can get
you pissed I bet you’ll end up giving in to my masculine charms.’

I couldn’t help
but laugh.  The words that were coming from his mouth were so at odds with his
look, and so reminiscent of my crappy novel, it really was quite ludicrous.

‘Betty, I will
never
give in to you.  Why can’t you get that into your head?  You’re a married man
and you are just naughty!  Now stop!’

Betty sulked and
threw his heavily lashed eyes heavenwards.  ‘Well what if I
wasn’t
married?  What would you say then?  Do you find me sexy?’  With this, he stuck
his hands on his hips and attempted a pelvic thrust.

This caused me to
splutter my white wine across the desk.  ‘No, Betty!  I
don’t
find you
sexy.  It’s just too odd.  It would be like … like being a lesbian or
something.’  I paused to try to find the right words.  ‘Well, no, obviously
not
a lesbian but you get my drift.  I don’t find men who dress up in women’s
clothes sexually attractive, that’s all.’

Boy, I never
would have thought I’d have a conversation like
that
in my life but
Betty only seemed to understand if I spelled things out very clearly.  He was
determined, I’d give him that!

Deciding that the
subject was well and truly closed, I asked Betty to hold the fort while I
nipped to the loo for a much needed wee and make up check.

‘Don’t be long
though, Perce,’ he said, as he settled in the golden throne.  ‘Missing you
already!’

*****

I made the most
of my break from reception.  Betty was beginning to do my head in and I was
finding it ever so slightly exhausting to have to keep fending off his
advances.  It was so much easier with Annie or Tittie for company each night -
no threats, no flirting, just good old fashioned bitching and humour.

After freshening
up I headed to the dressing room to see how the girls were doing.  Lubov was wowing
the audience with the first part of her sultry act and Lady, Vi and Ma were
dressed and ready to go, scribbling in their notebook and cackling with
laughter.

‘
His manhood
was more than clear through his skin-tight jeans, his wet shirt clung to his chest
revealing prominent nipple piercings.  He wanted him.  He wanted him
now.’ 
Lady was reciting whilst reclining on a battered sofa in the corner à la Cartland
and Vi was taking notes.

Ma butted in
with, ‘What about
my
idea?  We need to get that in.  We all like a bit
of role play.’

I shook my head
in disbelief.  Backstage had never been so settled since the arrival of my dodgy
book.  They’d probably get published before me too.  Oh well, if it kept them
happy, that was the main thing and the peace was more than welcomed.  I smiled
to myself - all was well in ‘The Gossamer Glove’.  I felt like a babysitter
who’d got all her charges under control.

Annie and Tittie
would be proud of me.

*****

I returned to
front of house to find Betty looking a little dishevelled, rearranging his wig
and plumping his breasts back into shape.

‘Phew, Perce, you
missed a bit of a rush there!  We’re at full capacity now and I’ve locked the
doors.  Must have seen about thirty through in the time it took you to pee.  A
right old mixed bag too - gays, straights, hens, stags, you name it.  Reckon
they could be a tough audience to crack.’

Checking that the
door was properly secured, I returned to the back of the counter and began to
tidy the mess that Betty had managed to make of the desk in the short time that
I’d left him to fly solo.  Loose banknotes were strewn across the booking diary
and credit card slips not placed in the lock up drawer as instructed.

‘Betty, you’re
so
disorganised.  If you put everything away as you go, it makes the whole cashing
up process so much easier.’  I began gather the notes and slips, hoping that
all the figures tallied up at the end of the night.

‘Oooh, Perce, I
love it when you get bossy with me.  One of the first signs of attraction,
that!’  He winked and tapped me on the cheek.  ‘Now, must away!  Got to top up
the lippie and grab a drink before my final slot.  Catch you later, Sexy Legs.’

I surveyed the
carnage that he’d left behind.  A copy of ‘Playboy’ was left open on the
centrefold and I quickly closed it and stuffed it in a drawer.  His pint of
lager was left half finished, smeared with a thick lipstick imprint and he’d
left a note on a huge pink Post-it note: 

‘Call my
mobile if you change your mind.  The wife’s away … !  x’

Oh he was just
incorrigible!  I smiled despite myself and continued with my cashing up. 
Thankfully he seemed to have managed to take the correct amount from each of
the customers and I knew that Annie and Tittie would be delighted that it had
turned out to be such a busy night.  Surely with so many hens and stags booked
in, the takings on the bar would be good too.  I was so pleased that I’d be
able to report that night one had been a massive success.

Just as I was relishing
a sip of much needed white wine in celebration of a job well done and having a
sneaky flick through ‘Playboy’ -
good grief, they don’t mind the positions
they get themselves into, do they?-
 I heard an ear-piercing scream
followed by an almighty thud.  Suddenly half a dozen girls from the hen party
appeared looking terrified and desperately trying to unlock the door.

‘Let us out, will
you?’ one of them shouted as she kicked and clawed at the door.  ‘It’s really
kicking off in there.  I reckon you need to ring the cops.’

My first reaction
was to panic.  I’d never considered the possibility of any kind of trouble and
no one had ever warned me of any in the past.

After a quick
flap and ridiculous running around on the spot, I managed to unlock the door to
let the hen party free and then kicked off my heels and ran through to the
performance area to see exactly what was going on.

Squinting in the dimmed
light, I could see that Tarquin had abandoned the bar area and appeared to be
holding an ice pack to Lubov’s eye.  I spotted a thickset, thuggish looking man
about to crack a broken bottle down onto the back of his head and I knew I
needed to take immediate action.

Not even
thinking, I ran behind him, grabbed the bottle from his hand and threw it to
the floor.  Somebody finally thought to turn off Lubov’s backing track and to
turn the house lights on fully.

Everywhere I
looked there was mess - shattered glasses, broken chairs and upturned tables. 
My first instinct was to drop to the floor and cry.  This had all happened on
my first night in charge and I was devastated.

But there was no
time for dramatics, the situation was getting out of control and had to be
dealt with.  Vi and Lady were cowering in the corner, Ma was standing on a
chair screaming at everyone to stop and Betty had thrown off his wig and heels
and seemed to be trying to deal with the trouble makers single-handedly.

That was until I
saw another familiar figure, grabbing the rowdy stag party one by one and
chucking them out onto the street as if they were as light as feathers - my knight
in shining armour - Luke.

*****

With the club
finally empty and the doors firmly locked, I eventually sat on the edge of the
stage and let the tears fall.  Why?  Why did this have to happen on the weekend
I’d been left at the wheel?  It was just bloody typical of my luck and I’d
probably end up losing the job I loved in the only place that made me feel good
about myself.

Vi, Lady and Ma
were faffing about doing nothing except making me feel worse.  One of them
would pick up a chair leg and then drop it on the floor with a tut and then
another would kick through some broken glass with a defeated sigh.  Lubov was
still holding the ice to his head and muttering under his breath in Polish.

I felt the
lightest of touches on my shoulder and I looked up to see Luke offering me a
large glass of brandy.  ‘Here, I thought you could use this,’ he said with a
hint of a smile.

I took the glass
gratefully and sipped, allowing the warm liquid to roll over my tongue and sooth
the lump in my throat.  When I finally found my voice, I said, ‘I don’t
understand.  What happened?  How did it all suddenly turn so bad?’

Tarquin came from
behind the bar and settled on the stage next to me.  ‘It was the stag party. 
Bunch of bastards!  I think they’d forgotten where they were - thought they
were at ‘Spearmint Rhino’ or some seedy lap dancing joint and Lubov got them
all a bit hot under the collar.  One of them decided it might be nice to grab
himself a handful and it all went tits up from there.’  He rubbed my knee and
then held my hand.  ‘Don’t blame yourself, Perce.  There’s nothing you could
have done.  It’s just unfortunate it happened while you were left holding the
fort.  Annie and Tittie won’t blame you and I’ve warned them time and time
again about taking in large groups of hetros.’

I smiled, appreciative
of his kind words and then I took in our surroundings again.  ‘Just
look
at this place!  How can we get it all sorted so that we’re up and running for
tomorrow?  We’re fully booked and I can’t cancel them all - we’ll lose a
fortune.’

The club fell
into silence as we considered the enormity of what had happened and the knock-on
effect.  I stood up and pushed my hair wearily from my face.  ‘It’s no good,
I’ll have to ring Annie and tell him what’s happened.  I guess it’ll be
curtains for me.’

‘No! Hang on a
minute.’  Luke was up from his chair and coming towards me.  ‘We can
do
this.  Just give me a chance to have a quick ring around and we’ll get it
sorted.  I know some guys in the building trade - they owe me a few favours -
just leave it with me.’ And he took his mobile from his jacket pocket while
heading for the reception area.  ‘Give me ten minutes.’

Ten minutes? 
He’d surely need a damn sight longer than that!

I figured it was
going to be a long night so I told the girls and Tarquin to get off home and
that I’d keep them posted on progress.  ‘No point in us all hanging around
getting miserable, is there?’

They all came and
kissed me on the cheek in turn and left to get changed.  Betty’s kiss lingered
a little longer than the others and he added, ‘I’ll stay with you if you like,
Perce.  Don’t want to leave you here with that bloke - we know nothing about
him - he could be a rapist for all we know.’

I managed a quiet
and weary laugh.  ‘No, Betty.  You get off home.  I’ll be fine with him. 
Honestly.’

‘Yeah well a good
swift knee in the balls should do it if he tries anything on with you.  
Remember, I’m first in the queue.’