Stepbrother Soldier: A Forbidden Military Romance Novel (26 page)

8

Of course, by the time class came around again, I was feeling a little
less victorious and a lot more nervous. Things were complicated enough; now
everything was even more confusing. Not just because of waking up on his couch;
my own feelings were troubling, as well. I’d felt so righteous, so powerful,
telling Jay off, but in the days since I hadn’t been able to shake a nagging,
unfulfilled feeling. Like it wasn’t enough to just put Jay in his place. I
still wanted him. My body still wanted him, no matter how much my mind told me
to ignore him.

That day in class, Jay subtly slipped my paper onto my desk before
starting his lecture.
A+.
The red
mark should have felt like a victory, but it didn’t feel like anything. It was
just a grade. There was so much more I wanted…

For the rest of the semester, there were no
more
hungry
looks. Or, rather, they were fewer and far between. Mostly,
though, Jay just didn’t look at me. He avoided me like the plague. His eyes
would skip over me, as though I wasn’t even there. Somehow, this was so much
worse than when he was looking at me with contempt or desire. I felt invisible.

Christmas break came sooner than I ever would have expected. It seemed
like the semester had just started and suddenly it was over. I handed in my
final paper at the end of English, and as I turned to go I heard Jay speak. It
was the first time he’d spoken to me directly since the morning I woke up on
his couch.

“I’ll see you at home,” he said, a simple enough statement, but one
that was loaded with implications. I turned to him.

“You’re staying at the house?” I asked, surprise in my voice. I’d
assumed he would just stay in his apartment near campus. He nodded.

“The guest house. Coming home for the holidays,” he said, smiling
shyly. It was the first time I’d ever seen him with anything like humility, and
I felt myself softening slightly inside.

“Oh, well, okay. See you, then,” I said, aware that my voice sounded
confused and unsure.
What’s going on now,
I wondered. I felt…exhausted. The first semester of college was supposed to
be hard, but not
this
hard. It had
been so tiring, these games I’d played with Jay. I turned and walked towards
the door.

“Wait, Elizabeth,” I heard Jay say from behind me. I stopped and
looked at him over my shoulder. He looked lost. “I.
..I
still want you.”

My heart skipped a beat. He’d spent the past few weeks acting like I
was invisible. Was that just a cover? Or was he trying to play more games, draw
this out even further? Either way, I thought, I couldn’t do it anymore. I shook
my head sadly.

“I don’t know, Jay. How can I believe you? And why should I care?
You’ve never been anything but cruel to me,” I said, speaking my heart as
honestly as I could. His eyes fell to the desk, and I turned away again.

“I don’t know, Elizabeth. I don’t know why you should care. You
shouldn’t, I guess. I wouldn’t. I just wish…” his voice trailed off. I didn’t
look back at him, but I didn’t leave, either. I wanted to see what he thought
he could possibly say to make things better.

“I wish I could be better for you.”

Tears suddenly rose to my eyes. I felt like my heart was breaking,
even though I wasn’t actually losing anything. I never had Jay, and you can’t
lose something you never had.

“I wish so, too,” I finally said, before rushing out the door, wiping
my eyes dry.

9

I’d made myself a promise that semester that even though I was pretty
close to home, I wouldn’t visit too often and miss out on campus life. I’d
managed to keep it, so my homecoming from Christmas break was kind of a big
deal.

“Oh my God, I’ve missed you so much, look at you! Look at my beautiful
baby girl!” Mom cried, first hugging me then holding me at arm’s length and
scanning me from head to toe. I blushed and giggled.

“Mom! I’ve only been gone, like, three months!” I said, but drew her
in for another long, tight hug. Mark was standing nearby, beaming, and I
reached out and grabbed him into the hug, as well. After all, we really were a
family now. Pulling away, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear.

“Is Jay already here?” I asked, wondering if he would be going out to
dinner with us that night. Mom and Mark looked at me with obvious confusion on
their faces.

“Jay? Why would Jay be here?” Mark asked, cocking his head to the
side. I met their confused looks with one of my own.

“Ummm…because he said he was coming home for break?” I asked,
wondering if it was supposed to be a surprise and I’d spoiled it.

“Oh! Well, he didn’t tell us that,” Mom said. I watched her face flip
back and forth rapidly from excitement to worry. I knew exactly what was going
through her mind: the fact that Jay was coming home for the holiday could mean
he wanted to reconcile, or it could be his way of keeping an eye on the family
fortune, so to speak. I jumped in, wanting to offer her some hope that the former
might be true. To be honest, though, I didn’t really understand Jay’s
intentions, either.

“Oh, man, look at me! Spoiling the surprise! I’m
so clueless,” I said, forcing a laugh.

“Well, let the girl put her bags away and get settled in,” Mark said,
picking up my suitcase and heading up the stairs towards my room. I followed,
still giddy from being home again. As we got to my room, Mark turned to me, a
somber look on my face.

“Your mother told me about Jay being your professor this semester. I
wanted to check and see how that was for you. Jay said it was fine, but I don’t
always trust him these days. Honestly, I don’t know why he’s been acting the
way he has. He has some fool notion that your mother married me for my money,”
Mark said, his tone apologetic. My heart went out to him, but at the same time
I could feel myself blushing as I remembered what it was really like to be
Professor Samuel’s student.

“Oh, please, don’t be worried. It was a great semester. I got an A, we
got along great. I think maybe he’s trying to come around,” I said, only
half-lying. Incidentally, Jay
had
given
me a (well-deserved) A. I was happy to see Mark break into a huge, relieved
grin. I felt my conscience nagging at me, but what was I supposed to do? Tell
him that his son had deflowered me, then treated me like dirt, then weirdly
ignored me for the rest of the semester? That would have gone over as well as
leaving milk out while you go on summer vacation.

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Mark said, “but don’t take too long getting
settled back in. Your mother will be pirouetting around the kitchen until you
come down and tell her every detail of the past three months!”

“As if I didn’t already tell her everything on the phone!” We both
laughed and Mark left, leaving me alone in the room. I looked around; even
though I hadn’t been gone very long, everything looked different. Childish.
Like remnants from a past life. So much had changed…I walked over to the window
and looked down at the pool. I remembered all those mornings, watching Jay,
ignoring my true feelings. I shook my head, somewhat sad and somewhat amazed.
So much had happened in three months…

I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised when I finally came downstairs
and saw Jay in the kitchen, but I still was. I mean, I knew that he was coming
back, but I didn’t know that it would be so soon after my own arrival. And I
certainly didn’t know that he would be bringing a change of attitude along with
whatever luggage he had.

He was sitting at the kitchen counter and actually smiling. It was
such a rare sight that I almost had to look twice to believe my own eyes. It
wasn’t even just that he was smiling, it was that he was smiling at something
my mother had said. I don’t think Jay had ever smiled at my mother. Ever.

“Oh, hi,” I said, trying not to be awkward and
failing miserably.

“Hi, Elizabeth,” Jay said, turning to me. When he looked at me, he had
the same, sad expression he’d had the last time we spoke, except he was hiding
it under a shy smile.

“Jay’s going to join us for dinner tonight. Won’t that be nice,
Elizabeth? We can talk all about your class!” Mom was obviously ecstatic, and I
had to be grateful to Jay for that, at least. I beamed and nodded, still
feeling uniquely uncomfortable. There is something undeniably strange about
walking in on a conversation between your mother and stepbrother when your
stepbrother also happens to be the man who took your virginity. I don’t know
how many people have ever experienced that, but trust me, if you can avoid it,
try your hardest to do so.

Jay got up slowly and picked up his luggage from
where it was sitting near the back door.

“We’ll leave around seven for the restaurant, okay?” Mark said from
the opposite side of the room, where he’d been sitting with a newspaper.

“Alright,” Jay said simply before heading out to the guesthouse. Mom
and Mark exchanged a deep, meaningful look as he left.

“Lots of surprises today,” Mom said, turning to the sink and starting
to wash the dishes. “Elizabeth, come here right now and help me dry these
dishes! And tell me EVERYTHING!”

Mom, Mark, and I talked for hours – mostly, I repeated all the same
stories that I’d already told Mom in our almost-daily phone calls, but it was
different seeing her reactions and hearing her laugh in person. A little before
seven, Jay appeared at the back door and Mark waved him in.

“Would you like to meet us at the restaurant, or should we all go
together?” Mom asked, clearly excited about the prospect of having a real
family dinner.

“I’ll ride with everyone,” Jay said, his neutral tone sounding
positively giddy compared to his usual sarcasm and flippancy. I think we were
all surprised by his answer, but no one questioned it. We piled into Mark’s
car, Mom in the front seat and Jay and I in the back.

It was the first time in a long time that I’d been so physically close
to Jay, and it felt awkward but also strangely comfortable. After we’d last
spoken, I’d let go of a lot of my anger towards him. I didn’t know how someone
as nice and friendly as Mark could have raised someone to turn out like Jay,
but it didn’t matter anymore.

Jay had opened up just a little, just enough for me to see him as a
person and not a monster. I was willing to give him another chance to be a good
stepbrother. The complications of having had sex with him would come after he
proved himself, I thought.

When we got to the restaurant and took our seats, no one spoke for a
few moments. I’m sure Mom and Mark were still unsure of Jay’s intentions, and
whether or not this was all a show that would soon end.

“Elizabeth really amazed me this semester,” Jay said, out of nowhere.
“She was one of my best students. Very smart, very hard-working.”

We all stared at him. Not only was he including himself in our family
night, he was actually starting conversations –
nice
conversations.

“Oh? I’m so happy to hear that, Jay,” Mom said,
breaking the silence.

“You raised her well, ma’am,” Jay continued. “Elizabeth told me a bit
about how you worked three jobs to support the two of you. That’s extremely
impressive, and telling of your dedication.”

If we had stared at him before, now we were all open-jawed with
wonder.
Ma’am?
Compliments? Who was
this man, and what had he done with my stepbrother?

The rest of the night followed the same vein: Jay was nothing but
complimentary and pleasant throughout dinner, and on the ride home we all sat
in a contented, full silence. But, as we drove, I began to feel a nagging doubt
about Jay’s intentions. What if this
was
all
a show, after all? Some devious ploy to break my heart even more? And my
mother’s, to boot? I decided I wouldn’t be able to sleep until my questions
were answered, and as we pulled up the house I put my hand on his arm.

“I wanted to ask Jay something
real
quick,
we’ll be in in just a sec,” I said to Mom and Mark as they exited. My mother
flashed me a somewhat worried look, but I smiled at her and she smiled back.
When we were finally alone, I turned to Jay.

“What is this? What’s going on? Why are you
acting like this all of a sudden?”

“There’s nothing going on, Elizabeth. I just…you opened my eyes a
little bit, and I realized I’ve been unfair to you and your mother. I promise,
there’s no agenda here. You’re done with me. I would never try to change that.
If you want to ignore me for the rest of our lives, I deserve it,” Jay said,
sadness in his voice but sincerity in his eyes. “I’ve been an asshole. I’m
sorry.”

We sat in silence for a long moment.

“Well, thank you. For my mother. For being nice to her, that is,” I
finally said, pulling my hand away. When I did, I felt an overwhelming desire
to put it back on his arm, but fought it with every fiber of my being. I
hurriedly let myself out of the car and ran into the house, terribly confused.
Damn Jay!
I thought to myself, angry
that he was suddenly acting like the man I’d hoped he’d been when I first met
him.

Why couldn’t he have been like this the whole time? Then neither of us
would be in this mess. We’d just be normal stepsiblings. But that thought
immediately brought on another thought: is that what I wanted, really? To be
normal stepsiblings?

No. It had never been what I wanted, at least not during all those
mornings watching him swim. I lay on my bed in the darkness, thinking about
everything that had happened. Somehow, I fell asleep, my mind swimming with
thoughts of Jay.