Stepbrother Forever: A Stepbrother Romance (6 page)

Chapter 9

The class continues and
the rest of the pairs read their scenes. The coach sums everything up and asks
us to do something for the next class, but I’m not paying any attention—I
haven’t been since Ryan and I kissed. I don’t know what happened after that,
because that’s all I’ve been able to think about. I can’t even look at him
because I’m scared he will look back at me. I don’t know what to say to him.
There’s no way I could be alone in feeling the spark ignite when our lips met.
It was like fate brought us together at that moment and said, “You’re more than
just friends, now deal with it.”

When
everyone starts packing their things, I snap out of my daydream and try to
focus on the present. I don’t need to let on that that kiss made me feel
anything.
It was a scene, we were playing a part, just like dozens of other times.

“You
okay?” Tara asks me.

“Yeah.
Yes. I’m fine,” I stammer back in reply.

“Seems
like that kiss really got to you,” she says in a low voice. “Sarah totally
shouldn’t have done that. She doesn’t know you two are… You know…”

“It’s
ok. It was part of the scene. Did your kiss get to you?”

“Mine?
No. But it was with Tony. Totally different,” she replies.

“Whatever,”
I answer dismissively. I’m not going through the whole “we’re just friends”
speech again—especially when I’m not sure if that’s even true anymore. “Where
are we going now? The usual?” I ask, changing the subject completely.

“I’m
hungry,” Keira chimes in. “Can we go somewhere that has drinks
and
food?”

“Sure.
I can go for some grub,” Tony replies.

We
collectively put on our coats, take our belongings, and head outside. Ryan and
I haven’t spoken a single word to each other. We lock eyes for a second as we
are getting ready to walk out the door, but both of us quickly look away. Not
only do we have get through the night, we have to go home together. This is
going to be completely awkward—even more so than the past weekend.

Our
group walks a few blocks to one of our favorite local dive bars. It’s low-key,
but the staff is friendly and the food is decent. The crowd is pretty thick
already, but we find a booth we can all squeeze into. One of the servers comes
over to take our order and we each ask for a drink while we look over the menu.
Conversation is flowing amongst us and there are plenty of laughs. I’m trying
to act interested in what’s going on, but I can’t get Ryan out of my head. We
are seated at opposite sides of the table and have yet to even look at one
another.

If I
kissed someone else and felt the same feelings, it wouldn’t bother me, but Ryan
is different. Everyone we know warned that moving in together was a bad idea.
Maybe they saw something neither of us did. How could they possibly sense our
feelings when we never have?

Between
this kiss, the last couple of days, and the endless questioning of my own
feelings and emotions, I am a wreck. Everything would have been fine if it
weren’t for that kiss.

The
server comes back with our drinks and takes our food order. My stomach is doing
flip flops—there’s no way I can eat. When she leaves the table, I excuse myself
to go to the ladies’ room. I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts and move
on, or everyone will know something is up—that is, if they haven’t noticed
already.

I take
my time washing my hands and lingering behind the closed door before taking a
deep breath and walking into the small hallway where the restrooms are. Ryan is
standing in the hall. It appears he is waiting for me, and there’s no way to
avoid him.

“Are we
going to talk about what happened?” Ryan asks bluntly.

“What
do you mean?” I reply, poorly feigning innocence.

“Come
on, Eve. The
kiss
? You and me,
kissing,”
he presses on.

“We
were
acting
Ryan, that’s what we do,” I answer, still trying to sound
aloof.

“Don’t
be an ass, Eve. I know you felt what I felt.”

“It
doesn’t matter, Ryan. We are friends—and roommates. Maybe we just got caught up
in the moment. I mean, that scene was pretty intense.”

“It
was
intense, Eve,” he says, his blue eyes smoldering. “But it wasn’t the scene.
Please, don’t just let it go like that.”

“I
don’t have a choice,” I reply in surrender. “
We
don’t have a choice. You said it yourself weeks ago—we can’t
ruin our friendship. Besides, you’re my stepbrother. You know how wrong this
is.”

I leave
him standing there and go back to the booth. Ryan returns several minutes later
looking pretty put-off. We join in the conversation and laughs with the rest of
the group, but mentally, I’m not fully there. I can tell Ryan isn't, either.
I’m not sure if everyone else can see what’s going on. If they can, they’re
doing a pretty good job of pretending not to, which is fine with me. I am in no
rush to end the night and go home with Ryan. I know him well enough to know he
is not going to let this go.

We go
through a couple of rounds of drinks and those who ordered food are finished.
Keira announces that she’s leaving and Tony offers to walk her home. Tara and
Alex decide they’re going to go home also. It just leaves me, Ryan, and Jen,
and she quickly bails and says she’s going to walk with Tara and Alex.

Now
it’s just us again.

Ryan
and I stand up to leave. We have no choice but to walk together. There is no
avoiding the inevitable now. He’s going to make me talk about what happened—our
kiss. Why does he have to be so sensible and open with his feelings? Why can’t
he hide his emotions and keep to himself like most men? No wonder I used to
think he was gay.

We put
on our coats and walk outside without saying a word. It’s bitter cold out here,
so we pick up the pace but continue to walk in silence. I want to go home and
crawl under my covers, but I know that’s not happening. We are at our corner
when Ryan starts to speak.

“Eve,”
he says, “we have to talk about this.”

“No, we
don’t,” I reply. “We kissed. We weren't kissing each other, though—we were in
character, and that’s not the same. Please, just let it go,” I plead as we
approach our building.

We
hurry inside to escape the cold and I immediately begin walking up the stairs.
Ryan is following and I can feel his agonized stare behind me. We reach the
third floor and I get the key in the lock and door open before Ryan has a
chance to speak again. I wish there was someplace for me to hide.

“Eve,
you’re being ridiculous,” Ryan says as soon as the door closes behind him. “You
need to acknowledge your feelings.”

“There
were no
feelings,”
I say coldly. Thankfully, my back is to him, because
it is a complete lie and he knows it. Ryan grabs my arm and spins me around.

“No
feelings?” he asks, sounding hurt and incredulous at the same time. “I heard
you Eve… This isn’t just about the kiss. I heard you on the other side of that
wall. I heard what you were doing in there and it fucking turned me on Eve. It
drove me fucking crazy.”

Oh God…

“How?”
I ask, my voice barely a squeak.

“Thin
walls, remember?” Ryan says, his eyes burning into me.

“It… It
doesn’t matter. We can’t do this. I don’t feel that way about you Ryan.”

“Prove
it,” Ryan dares me.

“Prove
it? How the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“Kiss
me,” Ryan says. When I turn around, his face is inches away from mine. “Kiss me
as
Eve.
No characters, no scene, no
stepbrother and stepsister—just you and me.” He lowers his voice and wets his
lips with his tongue. I shiver. “Kiss me now, and if there are no feelings, I
will believe you.”

I just
stare at him. Every ounce of my being wants to kiss him. I want to grab him and
never let go, but I can’t. Once we cross that line, there is no going back. I
can’t do that. I love him too much to lose him.

“I
can’t,” I reply in a whisper, holding back tears. “I can’t.”

We
stand in silence. I feel Ryan staring at me, but I don’t want to look at him.
If our eyes meet, I know I will give in. We will kiss, and who knows what would
happen from there? I need to leave. I need this moment to be over and
forgotten.

Without
a word, I walk to my room and close the door. I know Ryan is still standing
there, but I don’t care. He will probably wait for me to come out, but I won’t.
Goddammit. I want to throw something, punch something—anything to relieve the
anger or stress or whatever it is that I’m feeling right now. Instead, I just
begin to pace the floor. I can’t leave the apartment, it’s too damn cold, and I
don’t feel like being around anyone right now, so I have no place to go. I just
keep walking back and forth, my mind racing in all different directions.

I hear
the door slam. Ryan must have left. I remain still and quiet and listen to see
if I hear him inside, but I don’t. All I hear is the click of the door as he
locks it—then he’s gone.

Chapter 10

I spend the night crying
uncontrollably in my room. At some point I must have cried myself to sleep,
because I wake up still dressed and lying on top of my comforter. My head is
throbbing and my face feels swollen. I don’t know if Ryan ever came back, and
I’m afraid to find out. I don’t want to face him, but I also don’t want to
leave things this way.

I
listen for several minutes and don’t hear anything. Regardless of where he is
now, at some point we will have to face each other, so I have to accept my
fate. I’m sure I look like death right now, but there’s nothing I can do.

I take
a breath and leave my room. There is no sign of Ryan in the main area and the
bathroom door is open, so I go in and close it behind me.

My face
is a mess and my hair is a disaster. I don’t remember the last time I cried
like that. I get in the shower and let the warm water roll over my body and
face. It feels soothing, and hopefully it will relieve some of the congestion
and swelling in my face. I don’t need to explain to anyone why I look like
this. I especially don’t want Ryan to see me like this—if he even comes back. I
wonder where he went and when he might return.

I
didn’t want to kiss him. It wasn’t just the whole stepbrother thing… I wanted
to save our friendship. By
not
kissing him again, I might have ruined it
anyway. I don’t know how to begin to make this right. I’m not sure what to say
or how to say it. It’s clear to me now that I love him as something much more
than a friend… As something more than a stepbrother… I don’t know how he feels,
though. I mean, I know he feels
something
, but what?

I turn
off the shower and dry off. I look much better than I did when I got in, which
is a relief. I have to work today and need to look presentable. I get dressed
and go into the kitchen to have some coffee and breakfast. I’m kidding myself
thinking I’m not waiting for Ryan to return, because that’s exactly what I’m
doing. As much as I don’t want to see him, I want him to come back.

I take
my time with breakfast and Ryan still doesn’t return. I’m sure he’s safe,
probably at Tony’s or one of his other boy’s places’. I just wish I knew if he
was okay. I have to get ready to go, I’m working early in the afternoon today.
Hopefully, he will be back tonight so we can settle things and get back to
normal—whatever that is now.

I get
to work between lunchtime and Happy Hour, so there aren’t many people here. I
don’t mind; I’m not in the mood to make conversation, anyway. I keep busy
straightening up the bar and cleaning whatever I can find. As the afternoon
goes on, more people come in, and I put on my game face. No one needs to see a
melancholy bartender. We are here for customers and their problems, not the
other way around. I serve the few people seated around me happily, playing a
part once again.

Ken
comes in and sits in front of me.

“Hey,
Ken. How are you today?” I ask with a smile.

“Same.
And you? What’s up, Eve?” Ken immediately notices something is off. I guess my
acting isn’t at its best today.

“Nothing
new. What can I get you? Usual?” I ask.

“Of
course,” he answers. His brow furrows like he’s concerned. “You sure you’re
okay, though?”

“I’m
very okay, Ken,” I reply, trying to sound more like myself, “Are you sure
you’re
okay? You forgot to give me your
‘dark and sweet’ line.”

“Shit.
This could have been my day, too,” Ken jokes back. We fall into the familiar
routine and carry on. I’m glad he didn’t persist.

The
afternoon turns to evening and we die down fairly early in the night. Ken left
sometime after dinner and I feel better than when I came in. Sometimes
pretending everything is okay makes it so—at least, for a while. I clean up,
close the register, and get my coat. It’s freezing outside, so I bundle up and
prepare to walk home. I step outside and shiver. I let the cold hit me and then
take off in a slow jog toward my apartment. I just want to get home and into
the heat again. I’m also anxious to see if Ryan came back yet.

I run
up the steps of the building and inside. It feels nice in here and I climb the
stairs to the apartment. I turn my key in the lock, being sure to make some
noise as I do to alert Ryan that I’m here in case he did come back. I prepare
myself for whatever is on the other side of the door, but when I step inside,
the apartment is still empty.

My
short-lived happiness is immediately drained. I can call Ryan, but I wouldn’t
know what to say.

I
wistfully walk through the apartment, not knowing what to do. I shower and get
into bed for lack of any better idea, but I just lie there. I flip through the
channels on the TV, but nothing is catching my attention. I just keep waiting
to hear him coming in the door, but it doesn’t happen. I give in to exhaustion
and fall asleep late well past midnight.

I wake
up much later, knowing already that Ryan never came home. There’s this… absence
lingering in the air, a void where Ryan once was. I can feel it in my bones,
and it does nothing but unnerve me even more.

I get
out of bed and walk to the door to peek out, just in case I am wrong, but I’m
not. I brew some coffee while I brush my teeth and use the bathroom then pour
myself a cup of coffee. I sit silently at the kitchen table, staring blankly. I
feel like I lost my best friend, which seems appropriate, since that’s exactly
what happened.

I
decide I should work out or do something productive today before my shift
starts this afternoon. I force myself up from the table to head to my room and
hear the familiar click of the lock in the door. I stand there, frozen.

Ryan
pushes the door open and casually walks in. He sees me standing in the middle
of the room and pauses for a moment. Then he continues to the kitchen.

“Hey,
Eve,” he says with a friendly smile as he walks past me.

What
the fuck? Why is he acting like nothing happened?
How
is he acting like
that? I thought I wanted everything forgotten, but maybe I was wrong.

“Hey
Ryan,” I reply hesitantly. “Where have you been?”

“Tony’s.
Just needed some space to think,” he answers.

“Oh.
Okay.” I want to expand on what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to wind up in
the same place we were when this all started.

“I know
you’re not into talking about your feelings, Eve,” Ryan begins, “so I’ll just
talk and you can listen. I understand why you don’t want to do this. I respect
that… I just want you in my life and if it means only being friends, then so be
it. Let’s just forget everything—the kiss, the fight, the whole weekend, and go
back to the way we were.” He can’t look me in the eyes when he is speaking,
which is very unlike him. I can tell he’s not being honest, but this is what I
hoped for, so I have no choice but to concede.

“Okay,
Ryan,” I say slowly. I’m still trying to process what was said. “If you think
that’s what is best, then that’s what we’ll do.” It’s a lame answer, and not
what I really want to say, but it’s the best I can come up with.

“I
don’t know what’s best, Eve,” Ryan says in a raised voice, but quickly calms
down. “I’m trying to respect what you want and hold on to our friendship. For
now, that’s all I can do.”

“Thank
you, Ryan,” I say. “That means a lot.”

This is
so wrong. I think I might be in love with him. I‘m almost sure of it. But after
what we just went through, I can’t tell him. I can’t treat him like that. I’ll
just have to let things play out and let nature take its course.

“So,
are we cool?” Ryan asks with a hint of a smile and his old self.

“Yes.
Cool,” I reply with a cheesy grin, holding up my hand for a high-five. I feel
totally lame, but I can’t hug him right now. I don’t want to be that close to
him. I need a little more time to get back into the friend zone.

We talk
briefly about a few random things, and then I excuse myself, saying I have to
work out. Ryan happily ends our conversation with a smile and disappears into
his room. Even though we aren’t chatting about anything important, it feels
like there are so many things not being said. I can only hope we will be able
to repair the damage we have done—that
I
have done. Ryan is only doing what he thinks I want him to do. Then again, if
he was in love with me, would he let me go so easily?