Stealing Promises (8 page)

11

Claire twirled around in the white space with arms outstretched while Victoria looked out the window behind her. “Can you believe how much space there is? And the rent price is amazing. We each have our own bedroom and bathroom. This is a steal!”

Victoria nodded,
“After I got my acceptance letter I started looking around at apartments and everything was so expensive. This is a really great deal--good job finding it.”

Claire stopped bouncing around excitedly and looked at
Victoria with a more serious face, “Don’t be mad that I called a realtor.”

Victoria squinted at her,
“Why would I be mad? This is a great place.”

Claire pursed her lips,
“Because I called the realtor that Levi used.”

Victoria continued to move toward the window placing her hand on the glass. The view of the park behind their new place was beautiful. She could even see a small fountain in the distance and some children laughing and playing with their dog. It had been three months since Levi had secured an apartment for the two of them to live in. After his death her parents had remedied the situation with the apartment complex. She never even went to see the place; it was too much for her to take. As she looked out the window she thought about how sometimes it bothered her that people didn’t want to talk about Levi in front of her; like he never existed. But she knew they were just doing it to try to be sensitive.

“It’s fine,” she said. Her voice was nothing more than a whisper. She turned back around and tried to produce a smile on her face but she knew that Claire could see right through it.

“
I’m sorry Tor.”

She nodded,
“I know.” She took a deep breath before saying, “Okay, now let’s take a look at the rest of this amazing place.”

Claire smiled brightly,
“Well your bedroom and bathroom is upstairs. It’s a loft type situation since it’s an older building. You have the entire upstairs yourself. I mean I know it’s only one room but at least it’s all yours.”

Victoria nodded,
“No, I really like the layout. It’s great that you also have your own space down here near the living room. Maybe you can bring Brad over sometime; the kitchen is just waiting to be used.”

Claire laughed plopping herself down on the leather sofa she had brought with her.
“You know I can’t cook!”

Victoria sat down next to her,
“Then what the hell are we going to eat? You know I sure as hell can’t cook.”

“
Ramen and boxed mac & cheese? I mean isn’t that what all college students eat?”

“
Yeah, but you’re not a college student anymore. Remember, you got a big girl job?”

Claire had successfully obtained the job she interviewed for just a few weeks earlier. So much had changed in such a short amount of time. She would be working in marketing at a small firm outside of the city. Turns out that her parents had been right sending her to
Stern. Not to mention she had finally settled down with a good guy who treated her well. Victoria had only met Brad on two occasions but she could already tell that he was in for the long haul. It was funny how she could judge other people’s relationships now, never in a critical way, but her knack for telling people like it was had come back to her in the past couple weeks.

“
Oh, that’s right, I did. So it’s going to be a super annoying when you get to sleep in before your nine thirty classes and I have to leave here by seven.”

Victoria sunk deeper into the sofa.
“I guess that’s why I’m upstairs. So you wouldn’t have to look at me peacefully sleeping every morning?”

“
If we had any pillows right now I’d smack you with one.”

“
We do somewhere…” Victoria stood up and went over to a box. “How did we end up with so much stuff?”

Claire stood up and walked over to the kitchen taking a box with her as well.
“Two words; your mother.”

“
Valid point.”

As Claire began to unpack some glassware she asked,
“Is Kate stopping by tomorrow? Give you a good old pep talk before the first day of classes?”

Victoria shrugged,
“She called me to see how things went at the memorial a couple days ago. I haven’t called her back though. She has a new client so she’s pretty wrapped up in that.”

Claire continue to unwrap the glasses as she said,
“Tor, you know that she’s not just going to leave you, right? I mean Kate has become like family to you, to us. She’s not just going to disappear because your parents aren’t paying her anymore.”

Victoria stood up and looked at her friend. She knew that Kate had become almost like family to everyone who was close to her. But she also knew the demands of her job; she had moved in with Victoria’s family during her recovery. Whoever this new client was needed her just as much as Victoria had in the beginning. She wasn’t sure how much time she would have for her anymore.

Besides she was starting to make decisions again, big decisions. All on her own. Like finishing her degree and moving in with Claire. Those had been real adult decisions, things that used to come easy to her but now caused her a lot of stress and anxiety. But she had made it through it, on her own. She hadn’t even told Kate she was definitely moving until after she and Claire had put a deposit down on the place. It seemed like things are finally falling back into place, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t need Kate or her family anymore. She appreciated their support and affection. Occasionally at night in the dark when the nightmares threatened to take her again she thought of them, and sometimes she thought of Levi.

After a restless first night’s sleep at the apartment, Victoria picked up her phone to call Kate. She needed advice on how to handle the questions. The questions she knew people would ask her as to why she was starting her last semester at a new school. Only a few of her friends from her old school had contacted her and wished her well but no one had made any real effort. It just went to show how much she wasn’t really involved at school, it was just her and Levi and Claire. Nothing else mattered before but now the Victoria was about to go back to school, she wanted to make her mark on the world. She wanted to be remembered.

But when Kate answered the phone what she said was not at all what Victoria expected.

Kate took a deep breath and Victoria immediately knew that whatever she was about to say she wouldn’t like.
“There is a group on campus,” she paused, “a grief counseling group. I think it would be good for you to go.”

Victoria couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Intensive therapy with Kate was one thing, but going to a group focused on the deaths of people who she didn’t even know? It didn’t make any sense to her.
 Why would they sit around and talk to people that they hardly knew? How could she confide in these people about someone so special to her? Victoria had learned that there weren’t many relationships like she and Levi’s. There were so many deep feelings there that Victoria had finally started to recover from. She didn’t think bringing them up to the surface again would be a good idea. This isn’t the way she wanted to make a mark on her new campus. “No way, Kate! I can’t believe you would even suggest that. That’s not how to make friends. Besides I thought you said I was doing so well.”

She could hear Kate sigh at the other end of the line,
“You are doing well. But wouldn’t it be great to have friends who understand? Sometimes people going through extreme grief don’t act like everybody else; they don’t always display typical behaviors. It would be great for you to have other people to discuss those times with. I think it would be good for you to have other people to support you. And people for you to support.”

So that’s what this was about; Kate was moving on with her new client. This was her way of telling Victoria she wouldn’t be around as much. So that in her mind, Victoria would be looked after. But that wasn’t her job anymore.
 Victoria had figured things out on her own and she would make it without this group. “I’m making it. You should be able to see that and not force me into something I don’t want to do.”

“
Every time I’ve forced you to do something it’s been for your own good, and so far they’ve all been successful.” Kate shot back.

She had a point there, even if Victoria didn’t want to admit it.

“I just think it might be a good idea for you. And you know I can actually make you go, part of being a therapist. Your parents don't pay me the big bucks to sit around and watch you screw up.”

“
You think I'm screwing up? What the hell have you been doing?  Watching me screw up this whole time?” Victoria could hear the bite in her voice but she didn’t care. She was realizing that so many times you hurt the people you love the most; it was a risk of being close. “And you take my parents money because it's your job. Don't act like you hang out with me because it's fun.”

The phone went silent for a moment before Kate whispered,
“Do you really believe that?”

Victoria stopped, still annoyed but less angry,
“Don't shrink me now.”

Then Kate persisted,
“Do you really believe that? Do you really believe that I would stay if I didn't care?”

“
I don't know. Why do you stay Kate?”

She heard Kate take a deep breath on the other end of the line,
“I stay because I love you. Why do you think I was so sad in your bedroom? You were leaving. You know it didn’t take long for me to think of you as more than a client. You’re like family to me. And you know I wouldn’t suggest this if I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

Victoria had realized that their relationship had gone past doctor-patient a long time ago but it was heartwarming to hear Kate say it. It suddenly made her advice seem so much more believable.
“Do you really think I can do this? Face other survivors?”

Kate proved how much she believed in her when she responded,
“I think you have to.”

12

By the following weekend Victoria had found her routine. With only having four classes to take in order to graduate, things had been pretty lax around the apartment and she was looking for a part-time job in order to fill her time. If she was going to go to law school, she would have to make that decision soon. But when Kate offered to come visit for the weekend, Victoria pushed all the difficult decisions from her mind and focused on just having some fun with her friend.

Kate arrived dressed to the nines as usual. She had on a pair of skinny jeans and high leather boots with a long tunic and scarf wrapped around her neck.

“A little warm for fall wear isn’t it?”

Kate waved her hand at Victoria,
“It’s never too early for fashion.” She looked around her at the spacious apartment, “Nice digs. Claire’s got great taste.”

Claire popped her head from around the wall of the kitchen,
“Did I just get a compliment from you?” Smiling she walked over and gave Kate a warm hug. It was only then that Victoria noticed how close they had also become over the past few months.

Claire took Kate’s bag and placed it over near the couch,
“So what do you two have planned for the weekend?”

Kate’s smile faltered for a moment and suddenly Victoria realized that her conversation about the grief counseling group was still at the forefront of her counselor’s mind.
“Kate? What are we doing this weekend?”

Kate tried to avoid the question,
“Can’t believe how big this place is. And you’ve gotten so much unpacked already…”

Victoria stood in front of her,
“Kate. What are we doing this weekend?”

She looked down at her hands avoiding Victoria’s eyes.
“Well, that group I told you about meets on Sundays.”

“
You have got to be kidding me.”

“
I just thought it would be nice if I went with you to the first one. Just to get you settled, you know?”

Victoria’s threw her hands up in the air,
“I am settled. I have a routine. I go to class, I go to the gym, and I come home. I’ve gotten all my work done and my readings. Ugh, I can’t believe you came here to babysit me!”

Kate sat down on a chair in the corner of the room,
“I’m not here to watch over you. I’m just here for support.”

“
Couldn’t you let me get a little bit further into the semester before coming down here and taking over?”

Claire stepped into the conversation,
“Tor, you only have this semester left. You don’t have time to waste. I think this is a good idea.”

Victoria cocked her head at her.
“Of course you do! Jesus, can’t I do anything by myself around here?”

Claire and Kate spoke at the same time.
“No.” It was a simple answer that said so much. The worst part was, Victoria knew that they were right. Kate and Claire had become her life and sometimes she realized that that wasn’t fair to them. How many times had Claire told Brad she couldn’t go out because Victoria was home by herself? But was she always watching her? Trying to pretend that they were letting her do things on her own when really they had to be vigilant. It wasn’t fair to them. Maybe it was time to find some other people who were like her, who would understand her.

“
Fine.” She said defeated. “I’ll go.” She realized it was time to be strong enough to face her biggest fear. She didn’t fit in with normal people anymore.  What if she didn’t fit in with people like her either?

###

On Sunday Victoria and Kate went out to lunch before her meeting. They stopped at a small deli right off campus. It had flowers on the wallpaper in a distinct smell of home cooking. It reminded Victoria of her grandmother, and the food was just as good as her grandmother used to make. While they were snacking on sandwiches Victoria had a thought, “Are there going be any people there my age?”

Kate swallowed a sip of her soda while nodding,
“Oh I’m sure. It’s a college organization. You’re going to find a lot of people that have lost family members or friends in their young lives. You’re really not alone in this.”

“
I know, it just makes me nervous.” She said as she could feel her anxiety rising up in her chest. “It doesn’t feel right talking about Levi to people that I don’t even know.”

Kate started to collect her trash,
“Then don’t talk. You’re welcome to just listen to them, hear about their experiences and then think about how they can match your own. No one expects you to talk your first time going.”

As they collected their belongings and threw away the garbage Victoria attempted to ignore the tension rising in her body.

When they arrived at the empty building Kate pointed to a sign that read, “Group Today 2PM Room 218.”

“
Looks like our place,” she said encouraging Victoria to walk inside before her. Victoria walked slowly trying to catch her breath. Then she mounted the stairs slowly taking her time with each step considering all of her options. Finally arriving at the door she stood there for a moment thinking if this was what she really wanted to do. But she knew she had to. Kate pushed the door open in front of her and they walked in together side-by-side. Victoria found two chairs in the back and she sat down feeling the cold metal beneath her fingertips as she rubbed her hands back and forth on the folding chair. She didn’t dare look up at the people around her, not even at Kate. Another troubling thought occurred to her--what if most of these people had lost their loved ones to a long-term illness like cancer? Could she bear to sit here and listen to their horrific stories? Levi had been lost so suddenly that they hadn’t had any time to say goodbye. Or to enjoy the last moments of his life. It didn’t seem fair.

She stared at the dark tile floor beneath her feet and continued to run her hands back and forth. She hoped it would calm her nerves. She heard someone walk up to her and she continued to look at the floor for a few minutes before he finally cleared his throat. What she saw before her was not what she expected. A good-looking guy only a little bit older than her stood towering over her with a bright smile on his face. She watched his dark green eyes and continued to look up noticing his dark brown hair and for a moment he was reminded her of Levi. She shook her head as if to clear the image from her mind but the man still stood there staring at her looking at her as if she was the most important thing in the room. So many people have given her this type of look since Levi had died and it wasn’t the type of attention that Victoria needed. When she looked into his eyes images came flooding back to her as if they were slow-motion movie. She and Levi chatting on the back porch sipping iced tea in the sunshine. She closed her eyes tightly. She allowed her fingertips to find the scars she had given herself only three months before. A constant reminder of what was real and what was not. Finally she took a deep breath and opened her eyes when he finally spoke,
“Good afternoon. My name is Brighton Hanley, I’m the student advisor for this group. We’re glad to have you here as a new member.” His voice was smooth with a hint of a British accent.

She turned to look over her shoulder at Kate.
 She had obviously given him some information about her before her arrival. Victoria was surprised to know that Brighton had information about her when she didn’t even know him.

Victoria didn’t have much to say so a simple
“hi” would have to suffice.

There were a few other things that she thought she would like to say to him but it wasn’t the time or the place. His statuesque appearance in front of her made her think twice about what she would say. Maybe it was his adorable British accent or the way he looked at her like she wasn’t broken, but there was something different about him. And for the first time in months Victoria was interested in getting to know someone other than her elite circle of friends. Someone who hadn’t known her before the event. Someone who only knew the Victoria with a bright pink streak in her hair who lived in a quaint little apartment outside of New York City. This was the new
to her and this guy smiled at her like he was actually glad to see her, not because he felt sorry for her. She wasn’t used to this type of attention.

As Brighton walked away to take his seat in a folding chair across the room Victoria looked around at the other people sitting in the circle. It wasn’t like the movies, they weren’t only on folding chairs in a dark room with only one light above them. Some people were seated at desks and the group consisted of adults and students alike. Victoria even recognized one of her new female professors. She had heard rumors around campus that this was her first semester back after her husband had died in a tragic car accident a year before. Victoria felt a sudden kinship to her as she now knew she wasn’t the only one who had lost someone so close to her so quickly. It made her feel slightly more comfortable and she nodded to the older woman as her eyes scanned the crowd. On the other side of her was a young Asian girl with long dark beautiful hair. She held tissues in her hands and clearly the death of her loved one was still fresh. Victoria didn’t envy how that girl was feeling.
 She had been in that dark place and was happy to finally be out of it. There were a few other students but none that Victoria recognized from around campus, but she had only been there a week. There was an older gentleman who Victoria had seen around campus a few times, but she didn’t know if he was a professor or student. Her concentration was only broken when Brighton clapped his hands together to start group.

“
Greetings! Wonderful to see everyone here this afternoon.  As you can see, we’ve brought on a few new people to our group. I would like to welcome Victoria and her friend Kate.”

So he was smart enough not to say that Kate was her grief counselor. That was nice of him at least.

“Who would like to begin this evening? I would like to remind you all that anything said in the circle does not leave the circle. This is a safe zone, and you can talk about anything you would like.”

At first no one spoke and Victoria’s hands began to sweat as she realized that some of the eyes were on her. She was sure they wanted to know why she was there and who she had lost, but the words were stuck in her throat like cotton. They made her want to choke on the air and collapse on the floor. Maybe then they would understand how bad the pain still was. But the older female professor finally broke the silence of the group.

“It’s been over a year now since I lost my husband Jack. My two children are taking it well, but the other day my son asked why his daddy hasn’t come to any of his soccer games.” Her voice became raspier, “I didn’t know what to tell him. I thought he understood that his daddy wasn’t coming back, but sometimes it’s just so hard for small children to grasp.”

The older man who Victoria had recognized from around campus spoke up,
“Sometimes it’s hardest for the children. Out of sight out of mind is not really true once they pass age four. It’s very difficult to understand why he left. And why you’re still here. Many times children struggle with this, but as he gets older it would be wise to continue the conversation about his father.  Don’t allow him to forget him. But explain to him that he is here, in spirit. He’ll always be with him.”

Victoria was astonished at the calmness with which the man spoke. She realized that he probably was a professor on campus, maybe a psychologist even.

The woman shook her head allowing her red hair to fall into her face. Someone passed her a tissue which she used to wipe the tears from underneath her glasses. Victoria felt sorry for her and for her children. It was the first time she had felt compassion for someone else since Levi had left her.

It gave her a surge of confidence that she hadn’t expected.
“My name is Victoria.” She looked back at Kate knowing that this is exactly what she had hoped for. A chance to let go. It was time; this was the right thing to do. “My name is Victoria and three months ago I lost the man I love.”

She looked around to see their faces not in shock and horror as it usually was when people heard her story but they had a look of sadness and understanding.
 Here they understood. They had been through similar situations to Victoria’s and they knew how she felt. They knew that she didn’t want them to look at her like she was any different. She wanted them to do exactly what they were doing, just listen without any judgment. As her eyes settled on Brighton he leaned back in his chair looking slightly defeated as he listened to her story. “We were walking down the street back from the club when a man tried to rob me. Levi attempted to stop him and he was shot and killed.” She  took a deep breath as the tears began to run down her face. “It was the worst moment of my entire life. I survived, barely. I tried to take my own life.” She ran her fingers over the scars once more to remind her how lucky she was. “But my friend Kate,” she motioned to the beautiful blonde behind her, “she found me and saved me. But she also taught me how to save myself. She and Levi both saved me, before I could save myself. I’m here today because of both of them. But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me every second of every day that Levi isn’t here with me.” The tears began to run more steadily and her breath was becoming raspy, “I miss him so much.” She said through tears. Someone passed her a tissue and she felt just like the woman with two children. For so long she had felt so lost and alone but now she finally had the support of people who understood her. It was putting air back into her lungs.  For the first time in months she could truly breathe.