Authors: Molly McAdams
“I get that, but I’m fine now.” She sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time her stomach growled loudly. She smiled and pointed at her stomach. “See, I’m fine.”
It felt like I couldn’t breathe. Something as ridiculous as her stomach growling, and all of a sudden all I could see was us in my bedroom, her naked body on top of mine as she arched against me. That had been the best morning of my life, and I would give anything to go back and replay it over and over.
“Uh, Brad?” Harper’s voice snapped me back to the present, and I saw her wince as she looked at Brad holding a small towel to her leg. “Could you ease up? You’re hurting me.” Her face fell when she saw him stand up with the bloody cloth. “What the—”
“You dropped your mug, and a big chunk sliced your leg pretty good,” Brandon hurried to tell her what happened, and his head dipped in to kiss her neck. Harper’s eyelids fluttered shut, and she inhaled deeply.
The pain in my chest intensified, and once I knew she was all right, I couldn’t stand to be in the room with them anymore. I hung my head and stepped away from all of them, wishing for the thousandth time I could go back in time to when I first met that gray-eyed girl and do everything differently.
I walked back into Brad’s room to grab my keys, and when I turned to leave, he was standing in the doorway. “You leaving again?” When I just nodded, he asked, “For how long this time?”
“I don’t know, man, I’ll probably keep staying at my parents. Watching her go in and out of his room would kill me. But I’ll be around.” He pointedly looked at the keys in my hand, and I raked my free hand over my face. “Have to get to class, then to the shop. You guys surfing at our spot tomorrow?”
“Always.”
“All right, I’ll be there.”
Brad grinned, and I made my way past him and to the hall. Brandon was making breakfast in the kitchen when I went past him, and I tried not to grit my teeth when he spoke.
“Where’ve you been, bro? I haven’t seen you for more than ten seconds since I got back.”
“Just been busy with the shop.” I shrugged. “Mom and Dad’s house is closer to work. It’s easier just going back there.” I heard Bree and Harper talking down the hall toward Brandon’s room, and looked up at him. “She okay?”
“Harper? She’ll be fine. Bree said she hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning; I’m guessing that’s it.”
I looked back at the breakfast he was making her and thought about the only time I’d ever cooked for her and how my life had turned to shit while I was doing it. “Well, take care of her.”
Brandon’s eyes widened before narrowing as his brow bunched together, but before he could say anything else, I took off for the front door and left for school.
“N
O FUCKING WONDER
your parents kicked you out of their house.”
My eyes widened, and I looked over at Brian and another artist, Jeff.
“If this is how you looked all the time, I’d kick your ass out, too,” Brian finished as he moved aside some papers and hopped onto my counter at the shop. The door opened, and Jeff and I looked over to it, but Brian just sat there with a shit-eating grin. “Oh, by the way, Riss is coming to tell you off.”
“You’re serious, Brian? You called your wife to come yell at me?”
“Chachi!” Marissa snapped, and I groaned. “It has been a month. A month! You have two choices: grow a pair and ask her if she’s made up her mind yet or get over the bitch.”
“Marissa,” I growled in warning.
She smiled impishly. “That’s what I thought. So go ask her.”
“I can’t!” I flung my sketchbook onto the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “She’s made up her mind. That’s it.”
“No, she told you to give her some time, and you have. You’re still freakin’ miserable, you’re only moving back into your house because your parents kicked you out of theirs, and she can’t get out of what she did like this.”
“Like what?”
“She can’t tell you she needs time to decide just for you to ignore the issue completely. That’s letting her get off easy. She cheats on her boyfriend and goes back to him without consequences? Fuck that, Chach. Your girl needs to face the shit hole she’s made, and she’s never going to if you just sit here wanting her from a distance. Otherwise, she’s just going to keep doing it, whether it’s with you again or someone—”
“I’m the one who pushed her into all this! I pushed her away, pushed her right into his arms. She didn’t do anything, I’m the one who created this mess. So stop talking about her like she’s a whore!”
“Well, if it talks like a whore, spreads its legs like a—”
“Marissa!” I uncrossed my arms and stepped right up to her. “Swear to God, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll shut the fuck up. Now. I don’t give a shit that you’re Brian’s wife or that you’re a woman. You don’t fucking talk about my girl like that again. No matter who she chooses tonight. You got me?”
She smiled wide and bounced up and down on her toes a couple times before throwing her arms around my neck. “You’re going to talk to her tonight? Chachi, I’m proud of you, and we’re here for you no matter what happens!”
“What the hell? Just—what?” Brian and Jeff laughed at me as I stood there with my arms hanging limply at my sides, “Bri, your wife’s bipolar!”
Marissa leaned back slightly but kept her arms around my neck. “I’ve heard all your stories about her, I don’t think she’s a whore. I just think she’s confused and in love with two guys. But you needed to go talk to her.” She hugged me tight again, and I chuckled softly as I hugged her back.
“So all that bullshit was to get me to go talk to her?” I let go and stepped away from her, watching as she went to Brian’s arms.
“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” she asked smugly. “You said tonight.”
“Yeah . . . thanks, Riss. Next time try a different approach though, yeah?” I kissed her forehead, smacked Brian across the head, and clapped Jeff’s shoulder before grabbing my keys and phone. “I don’t have any appointments tonight. See you guys tomorrow.”
“Good luck, Chach!”
Marissa’s words had me remembering what I was about to do, and I took a deep breath in. I had a feeling I’d need a lot of luck to get through the night.
I called Brad, and he said the girls still weren’t back from family day, so I drove to my parents’ house and had to take another deep breath in and out when I saw Bree’s car sitting in the driveway. The ache in my chest was already making itself known, and I hoped this wouldn’t end in a way that ruined me forever.
Bree’s laughter came from the kitchen, and I drifted in that direction to find her at the kitchen table, Harper standing right behind her with a bag of chips in her hand, both staring at Bree’s laptop. Bree noticed me first, paused whatever they were watching, and folded her arms across her chest as she sent an impressive glare my way. Princess still had her eyes glued to the screen.
“Well, look who decided to join the party. Mom and Dad are already asleep.”
I kept my eyes on Harper as she slowly looked over to my sister, then up to me. Her gray eyes widened, and the bag of chips slipped from her grasp.
“I was busy.” It’s not like Mom and Dad didn’t know
why
I’d been avoiding today. “Harper, can I talk to you?”
“Uh, yeah. Yeah I guess.” She started walking toward me and her face paled drastically, her arm shooting out to grip the counter. “Whoa.”
“Are you okay?” Bree was out of her chair, and I was rushing toward Harper when she held up a hand to stop us.
“I’m fine, I just got dizzy for a second. Thought I was going to faint again.”
My hands clenched into fists. I needed Bree to not be here; it was taking everything in me to not go up to her and hold my princess. To check her myself and make sure she was okay.
Is
she sick?
I hadn’t seen her since over a week ago, when she fainted in the kitchen of my house, and even now she still looked like she might fall over at any second. Bree and Harper spoke softly to each other before Harper said she’d be back and stepped toward me again.
I turned without a word and walked halfway down my parents’ driveway before turning to look at her.
Her eyes took me in, and even in the dark, I could see the color come back to her face, along with the blush I loved so much. She bit down on the corner of her mouth and shifted her weight a couple times before saying, “Hi.”
I blew out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
A month without talking at all, and all she can say is ‘Hi’?
“Hey, Princess.”
“Where have you been?”
“Working a lot, classes, surfing. That’s about it.”
She nodded and looked away, then down before talking again. “Your family misses you.”
This was it. This was where I needed this to go. I steeled myself, and shakily asked, “Do you?”
Her eyes snapped back up to look at me, and I hated the pain I saw there; but it gave me the smallest sliver of hope. “Of course I do, Chase.”
“Harper, I’ve given you more than enough time. I can’t stand to stay away from you anymore, so I need to know who you choose.”
“You’re really going to do this now?” she hissed, and looked at the door before taking a step closer and speaking low. “Bree could be listening from the front door!”
“Yes, now.” While I still had the balls to do this! “I need to know.”
“Chase, how can you even ask me to choose between you two?”
What?
“You left me, like you always do. You expected me to think you still wanted me after you’ve completely avoided me for a month?”
Seriously? What. The. Fuck.
I threw my arms out and looked at her like she was insane.
Does she not remember anything she’s told me?
“I was giving you time! You asked me to give you time!”
“I didn’t want you to avoid me like the plague, I wanted you to fight for me. To show me that you loved me like you said you did.”
Could she honestly even question my love for her after what happened between us? “I do love you, Harper, and that’s why I gave you that time to think about things without my interfering.”
She stepped back, and I closed the distance again. Her eyes held mine, and I watched as they filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Chase, but I can’t.”
Oh, shit.
“No. No, no n—”
“I can’t be with you. I love Brandon; I’m sorry.”
No!
“Baby, don’t say that. I will fight for you, I will. Please just give us a shot.”
“A part of me will probably always love you, too, but I can’t take chances with you, Chase. You’ll leave me one day, and it will kill me when you do.”
“Wha—No! I wouldn’t, I swear I wouldn’t.” Did she not understand that she meant
everything
to me? I pulled her into my arms and held her as my body started shaking. I couldn’t lose her. I’d been preparing for it, but I couldn’t handle it.
“You can’t stay with any one girl, that’s just how you are. And that’s fine, Chase, it’s fine. You’re with different girls every night, but when I think about love, I think about forever. You can’t give me that, so I’m not going to hurt myself by only having you for a short time.”
Tears stung my eyes, and it became painful to breathe. After everything, she still thought I was living my old life? She still hadn’t realized I’d changed everything for her? I’ve never claimed to love anyone other than her, I’d never even thought of loving anyone but her. I would give her the world if she asked for it. And she thought I just wanted some fling with her?
I cupped her cheeks and brought her face from my chest so I could look at her, but she was a blurry mess from the tears that were threatening to spill over. “I haven’t been with anyone but you since you started dating Brandon. I knew then there would never be anyone else like you, and I wasn’t going to waste time being with someone else.”
Princess shook her head slightly, went up on her toes and kissed the corner of my mouth before beginning to move out of my arms. “I love you, Chase.”
“Baby, please. Don’t do this!” I gripped her hand, not willing to let her leave yet. I couldn’t just let this end like this.
“I have to, I’m sorry.”
“Why? Why can’t you be with me?” When she didn’t answer, I swallowed back bile and asked the one thing I’d been worrying about most in the last month. “Are you sleeping with him, too, Harper?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Please”—I shut my eyes as I prepared myself to ask again—“just tell me if you are sleeping with him.”
“I’ve only been with you,” she whispered softly, and all the air left my lungs as she pulled away and began to walk away from me. I looked up at the same time she stopped walking, her body going rigid before she gasped.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I have to go,” she shouted, and took off running for the house.
I stood there in shock for a few moments before forcing myself back to my truck and driving to Brian and Marissa’s. I had no idea what had just happened; all I knew was that she’d just shattered my world.
Marissa answered the door, and, with one look at me, her jaw dropped, and she quickly covered her mouth with a hand. “Oh, Chachi.”
My mouth opened, but nothing came out, and I hung my head as my tears fell to the concrete.
“Brian should be home soon,” she said softly, and stepped back from the open door. “C’mon in; you can crash here tonight.” Marissa called Brian to let him know I was there and sat on the chair across from the couch I was on. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head. I didn’t know if I even could talk about it.
“What are you gonna do, Chach?”
“Wait—” My voice was low and rough as I spoke around the lump in my throat. “Wait for her. I’ll always wait for her. It’ll always be Harper for me, I’m never going to stop wanting her to be mine.”
“Chach—”
“Riss, I won’t give up on me and Harper. I can’t.”
I
’D FULLY MOVED
back into my house the day after Harper had shattered me. I’d been prepared to stomach seeing her and Brandon together, see them going to and from his room and her in nothing but his shirts. But I hadn’t seen her at all. It’d been a week, and while I saw Brandon a few times, he was always alone. I’d seen him yesterday morning when he was coming into the kitchen, and I was leaving, but it ended the same as it always does lately. Completely silent. I didn’t know what to say to him anymore, so I didn’t say anything. Before, I’d hated him for getting the girl. Now that I’d had her, and she’d left me for him again, I couldn’t stand to see him without wanting to die.
I went through my everyday forced routine. Surf in the mornings, now with Brad and the guys again even though Brandon had been missing over the last week. Class during the day and work at night. I was standing outside my last class of the day, trying to kill time by talking with some old buddies, when I was knocked into one of them.
“What the he—” I broke off when I turned to see a mess of auburn hair and wide gray eyes staring at me. “Princess?”
Without saying anything, she bent down to grab her phone, which had dropped into the middle of the circle she’d just plowed into, and turned to leave. Fuck that.
“Harper, wait up!” As soon as I caught up with her, I grabbed her arm and turned her so she was facing me. “You’re not even going to say hi now?”
She dropped her head, and a shaky “Hi” came from her.
Why won’t
she even look at me?
I placed a knuckle under her chin and lifted up, and my chest tightened when I saw that her eyes were filled with tears.
Why the hell is my princess crying?
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
Her cheeks went red, and she blinked her eyes rapidly to hold back the tears. “Nothing, it’s just allergies or something.”
Bullshit.
She looked side to side quickly, and I figured my touching her wouldn’t fly with Brandon if he saw us, so I took a step away and let my head drop to stare at the space between us. “I haven’t seen you around my house much. I know you don’t want to be with me, but don’t feel like you can’t be there, I won’t bother you and Brandon.”
“That’s not why I haven’t been there. I um, I broke up with him.”
My head snapped back up, and I stared deep into her stormy eyes. “You did? When, why didn’t you tell me?” Was it twisted that I couldn’t help but hope that I was finally going to get what I’d been wanting for over five months?
“A little over a week ago. But it hurt me more than I could ever explain to do it, and I need time to get over that. I can’t just rush back to you because Brandon and I aren’t together anymore.”
I can’t just rush back to you . . . Does that mean she plans
to come back to me?
Hope surged through my body, and I cupped her pink cheeks in my hands as I bent down, so I was closer to her eye level. “I love you, I’ll give you all the time you need.”
Shit, stop assuming.
“Unless. Unless you don’t want me anymore?”
I held my breath as she grabbed my left hand and pressed her cheek harder to it. Her eyes drifted shut, and she took a deep breath in. “I’ve told you, I will always love you, Chase, but I’m still not sure you won’t eventually leave me. Because of that fear, I don’t know if I can be with you. And some things have changed since we talked last, so you might change your mind about me altogether.”
“That’s not possible.”
She removed my hands from her cheeks only to wrap herself up in my arms. I exhaled deeply and started to thank God when she kissed my throat and buried her head into my chest, but then she whispered, “I wish that were true.”
What do
I have to do to convince this girl that I love
her more than anything?
Tears suddenly clouded my vision, and my voice cracked as they spilled over. “It is, Harper. I love you so damn much, why can’t you see that?”
Her wide eyes started watering as well, and her jaw started quivering. The next thing I knew, she was out of my arms and walking away. “I have to go; I’m sorry.”
“Harper, please. Please don’t just walk away. Talk to me, baby.” She didn’t stop and didn’t look back at me. “Princess, please stop walking.” Nothing; she kept her head down and continued away from me, and I was terrified that if I let her go, I’d never get her back. “Harper, please talk to me!”
She turned suddenly, but I didn’t stop walking until I was directly in front of her.
“I will,” she promised. “We
will
talk, but right now I have to go.” This time she cupped my face to wipe away my tears.
“Promise?” When she nodded, I whispered, “I love you,” before kissing the inside of her wrist and watching as she stepped away from me. I was so focused on Harper I didn’t notice anyone else was there until Bree touched my arm. My eyes flashed between the two of them, and I tensed up for their reaction at saying that out loud in front of my sister. But they both just smiled at me, and my body relaxed until I looked around and noticed we’d caught other people’s attention. Ducking my head, once again I quickly walked away from the girl I loved.
“Y
OU LI
KE IT?”
Brad smiled as he looked in the double mirror to see the ink I’d just finished on his back. “Yeah man, Sarah will love it.”
I put ointment on the tattoo and covered it before Brad pulled his shirt back on and hopped up onto the table. I wanted to make some comment about how Brad was whipped for getting Sarah’s name on the back of his shoulder, but Brian had already done the piece on my arm that had “Princess” hidden in it. So I didn’t have much room to talk.
Jeff walked up to my station and threw a soda at Brad and me before opening up his own and sitting on my counter. It was a slow night in the shop, and Brian was the only one with an appointment . . . and it was his brother.
“We going surfing tomorrow?” Brad asked before taking a long drink.
“Yep. Do you know if Brandon’s going?”
Brad shrugged his shoulders. “I swear, you two switched places, you’re getting back to yourself, and Brandon’s disappeared, well . . . except for lunch the other day.”
“Yeah, but he left as soon as I sat down.” And Brad was so wrong. I wasn’t getting back to myself, I was just hoping that every day was the day I would finally get to take Harper in my arms again. But with each passing day, that hope had slowly started to fade.
“You’re not still fighting, are you? I mean neither of you have Harper, so there’s no point.” My expression deadpanned, and I shot a warning glare at Brad, who raised his hands in surrender and smirked. “Hey, man, you know I’m still pulling for you. I want you to be happy. But it’s the truth.”
I rolled my neck and sighed deeply. “We haven’t fought since he went back home over winter break. But we’ve only talked once since he got back, and that was the morning Princess fainted.”
“Well, I wouldn’t talk to you either if you had fucked my girl,” Jeff huffed, and dodged my empty soda bottle. “Well, I wouldn’t!”
I’d fucked plenty of girls. And what Princess and I had could never be considered a fuck. “He doesn’t know.”
“Yeah he does!” Brian called out from his station, never looking up from his brother’s calf. “Hell, even when you two fought all the time, he was still in here getting work done. Now your boy’s peaced out. Your girl dumped him, and he’s avoiding you now more than ever? Trust me, bro, he knows.”
“I doubt it.” Brad said at the same time I shook my head, and said, “There’s no effing way. He’d beat the shit out of me if he knew.”
“Exactly,” Brad agreed, and pointed his empty bottle at me. “You shoulda seen the way he went after Chase. Not saying Chase didn’t deserve it, but he was beyond pissed. And that was before anything happened.”
“He knows,” Jeff disagreed. “Otherwise, he wouldn’t be avoiding you.”
“He’s avoiding everyone.” I tightened my hold on the back of the chair I was leaning against. My heart had started racing with the possibility of Brandon’s knowing what had happened between Princess and me. I quickly glanced around the shop to make sure we were the only ones in there, and my gaze settled on her name on my arm.
“I just don’t get why you’re still waiting for her,” Jeff said. “You’ve been waiting for months, and now she breaks up with her boyfriend and . . . how long has that even been?”
I gritted my teeth as I answered, “Over a month and a half.” And no . . . I hadn’t been keeping track . . .
“Month and a half,” he continued. “and she barely talks to you. Just get over the girl already.”
“He loves her!” Brian called from his station, and I snorted a laugh. He’d listened to me bitch and whine about Princess for over half a year, and he still backed me up in my feelings for her.
“Whatever!” Jeff said exasperatedly. “It’s been a month and a half since she said they’d ‘talk,’ and that still has yet to happen.”
I continued to stare at her name on my arm as I thought about the few times I’d seen her since she told me she’d broken up with Brandon. It’d been a handful of times, maybe a little more, but almost all of them were glimpses as we passed each other. She’d said she would talk to me, and I’d given her plenty of time for that. But her birthday was in two days, and I had a plan. “It’ll happen.” I looked at Jeff, then over to Brad, who nodded. “I’ll make sure it happens.”
I
ONLY HAD
one class tomorrow, but it was Harper’s birthday, and I had a surprise planned for her. So on my way out of my last class, I stopped by my professor’s office and handed over the paper due, saying I’d be out of town. I’d just left his office when I saw Harper rush into the bathroom, her hand covering her mouth. Looking around to make sure no one was around, I pushed opened the door and heard her getting violently sick in one of the three stalls. Her backpack had been discarded on her way to the stall, and she hadn’t even closed the door.
Walking up behind her, I leaned against the side of the stall and rubbed large circles on her back until she was finished.
“Go away,” she groaned as she flushed the toilet.
Not likely.
I did step away, but it was only to wet a few folded-up paper towels and bring it to her. “Here you go, Princess.”
She grabbed it and wiped her mouth before standing up and turning to look at me. “Thanks.”
I looked over her, but she didn’t look sick. She looked beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. “Are you okay? Do you want me to take you somewhere?”
“No, I’m great.”
“Great? You just threw up, Harper.”
She took a deep breath in and held it as she returned my stare. With a subtle shake of her head, she looked back down and moved past me out of the stall and over to the sink to rinse her mouth. “I know, and now I feel fine.”
“If you don’t want me to take you, at least let me call Bree so she can take you home.” I thought about my conversation with Dad this morning, and added softly, “Speaking of, when were you going to tell me you moved into my parents’ house?”
She turned off the faucet and put a piece of gum in her mouth, chewing a few times before asking, “Does that bother you?”
“Not at all, but I just found out this morning that you’ve been living there over a month. I would have come around more if I knew you were there and not hiding from me in your dorm.”
“I haven’t been hiding from you, Chase.”
I almost snorted. Jeff had been right last night—I’d barely talked to her in the last month and a half. I knew she wanted time, but she always seemed to run in the opposite direction from me. My head dropped, and I stared at her backpack sitting between us. “You sure about that?”
She was quiet for a few moments, and when she finally said something, her voice was soft and shaking slightly, “I’ve just been busy, and you haven’t been around much either. You haven’t come to a family day in months.”
“As before, Harper, I’m giving you the time you asked for.”
“Oh.”
Yeah.
She picked up her backpack and walked past me, and when I turned to look at her, she was looking at me expectantly, her hand on the handle of the door. I followed her outside, and remained silent until I caught her looking up at me from the corner of my eye.
“Harper, can you tell me one thing?”
“I’ll tell you anything, Chase.”
I touched her arm to stop her and waited until she was looking at me with those wide gray eyes. “Have I—have I missed my chance?”
Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean with you,
us.
Did I miss my chance?”
My chest tightened painfully when she closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around me. The night on my parents’ driveway when she kissed me softly before telling me she was staying with Brandon flashed through my mind, and I held my breath and gripped her tighter when she answered.
“I’m sorry that you would even have to ask that. I wish you knew how much I love you, Chase, it’s just been a hard time for me. I didn’t know you were still giving me time; I figured I’d already lost you.” Her voice broke at the end, and I almost thanked God out loud.
“Aw hell, baby. That’s not possible.” I kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tighter to me. “What’s been going on? Is it still because of Brandon? Or did something else happen?”
“We need to go, Harper.”
I dropped my arms and stepped back when I heard my sister’s voice. Once again, I expected Bree to freak out, but she just stood there with a soft smile on her face.
Harper looked up at me and touched my arm softly. “See you.”
“Bye, Princess.”
I watched her walk away from me again, but this time I promised myself it would be the last time. Tomorrow, she would be mine.
I hoped.