Steal My Sunshine (15 page)

The buzz of Fitzroy Street trailed behind me as I walked up the side street towards Evan's place. I was early so I sat cross-legged on the street with my back to the wall, got out my book and read the same sentence over and over again.

‘Hi.' Evan crouched down in front of me.

‘Hey! Sorry, you scared me.'

Already, our bodies seemed closer than they'd ever been, as if we'd crossed a line. He stood and held out his hand to pull me up.

‘So, hi,' I said. He smiled like he was thinking about something, and stared into my eyes for the longest time while I died on the spot, desperately trying to think of something to say.

‘Is there anything you feel like doing?' he said at last.

‘I thought there was a gig.'

‘Yeah, I just checked out the venue and it looks kind of trashy.'

‘That's okay. I'm not precious, you know.'

‘I'd feel bad taking you there. Really. I thought we could grab some food, go for a walk or something, hang out? Maybe get a coffee and sit on the beach? Is that too lame?'

I tried not to seem too keen but my arms and legs were going crazy with electricity. ‘That sounds perfect.'

‘And the other thing is, I have a terrible hangover.'

‘Oh, well we can do this another time if you want.'

‘No way, I mean, unless you want to?'

‘No,' I laughed.

Evan looked up. ‘It's going to be an awesome sky tonight.'

I tilted my head back too. ‘How can you tell?'

Before I knew it he'd flung his arm around me. ‘I'll tell you later. Come on.'

For about an hour we walked around like that, his hand covering my shoulder, mine nervously on his waist, as we weighed up every type of food venue imaginable, rejecting them for reasons that ranged from the mundane to the obscure. I didn't care how starving I was as long as this moment never had to end. Walking around like that felt more lovely and real than anything I'd ever done with a boy.

‘Hannah, if you say you don't mind what we eat one more time I'm going to make us eat sushi.' He stopped dead in the street and pulled me a bit closer.

‘Please don't make me choose.' Our faces were so close I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying.

‘You hate sushi.'

‘Who said that?'

‘Chloe.'

I couldn't believe I'd forgotten about how she fitted into this moment too. ‘I don't hate it exactly. I just . . . Fine! I hate it!' We both started to laugh. ‘I can't bloody stand it, I don't get it, it's awful and I don't care if I'm a freak for not getting the incredible joy of raw fish. We're not having sushi.' It was as if I'd lifted the lid off and let the real me out.

Evan blocked my path, holding both my arms. ‘So we're having . . .?'

‘Fish and chips,' I blurted out, wincing.

‘Hell yes,' he said, and grabbed my hand to make me jog along a few metres to the same shop where I'd last seen my dad.

 

We sat side by side on the boardwalk. Evan ate great mouthfuls of chips like a kind of hot barbarian. I peeled the batter off my fish so I could plunge my fingers into the steamy flesh and drop scalding pieces of it into my mouth. We spoke in the direction of the bay, rarely looking at each other, our words and laughter carried out onto the waves. It was like talking to someone on the phone but feeling the warmth of their arm next to yours.

‘I can't believe you chose pie,' I said.

‘Pies are awesome. I can't believe you peel the batter off your fish. What's wrong with pie?'

‘It's a fish and chip shop. Pies are just there to make the menu longer.'

‘That is some theory. Do you have any other rules I should know about?'

‘Quite a few, actually.' I risked a glance at him, feeling more relaxed. It was the best I'd felt in weeks, or maybe ever, but that was too terrifying to admit to. ‘But I'm thinking of dropping a few.'

‘Oh really?'

I felt myself blush and carried on eating. There it was again, a bold feeling that was trying to have its own voice, but I was scared to let go.

We ate quietly for a bit. I studied his shoes, his legs, his kneecaps square through his jeans just like Chloe's. I knew Chloe's body better than I knew what my own looked like. She had a tea-coloured birthmark on her hip, china-white skin, angular shoulder blades and an outie bellybutton. I'd never thought of how similar she and Evan were, but now that I was close up to him, I saw it. Whenever I'd imagined him, it was only his face and hands and the sense of a warm any-kind-of-body I'd pictured. Now it was getting more real, but I couldn't keep Chloe out of my head.

‘This chip looks like a foot,' I said, trying to get back to the moment.

‘Ha! It looks like my sister's foot. Mine are much nicer.' He nudged me and smiled charmingly, his hair falling into his eyes. But there she was again.

I held the chip and didn't move. Something young and playful in his voice made me see just how much Chloe and Evan were another version of Sam and me, or Essie and Georgie. Except that Evan seemed to like his sister in a way that Sam would never want to know me, and Essie's heart had been broken when she'd left her brother. Would Sam even care if he never saw me again? Did he have the faintest clue what my feet were like or how many sugars I had in my tea? Or what kind of things worried me or what I wanted in my future?

And I didn't know him either; we were only brother and sister in name.

But Evan got Chloe, and Chloe worshipped Evan. When I looked at him then I could see the brother Chloe loved, and I wished I had that kind of love in my life too.

I wanted him but maybe I didn't want all the rest – it didn't seem possible to be close to both of them.

I looked out at the sea and felt so stupid for not having seen it before. It wasn't just chips on the beach with a boy. I couldn't just do whatever I wanted today and back away from it tomorrow.

But in the same moment Evan kissed my cheek, like a gentle whisper telling me to turn my head. He was so close, and waiting for me. Make up your mind, Hannah. Take what you want for once. I moved my face to him and closed my eyes and then he was kissing every single thought out of my head; a kiss so warm and slow and deep I thought I'd fall off the ground.

After hours, or maybe no time at all, Evan pulled away. I kept my eyes closed to freeze time.

‘Hello in there?' he said, and when he kissed my forehead I finally looked at him. ‘There you are.' He lay back on the boardwalk with his head propped on one arm. He played with my sleeve and curled his hand around my wrist, stroking the inside of it with his thumb. I wanted to tell him we couldn't kiss again. And that I wanted to go back to the kiss so badly.

A mangy bird pecked at my leftovers.

‘Gross, I hate pigeons,' I said.

Evan lurched towards it and it hopped backwards, but quickly got brave again. He swiped at it with one arm. The bird's beady eyes made it look stubborn. It was moving towards the chips again and suddenly Evan got up and ran towards it. He started flapping his arms and yowling like a kid with no inhibitions, charging the bird towards the water. I was laughing, fascinated and horrified. The pigeon started to take off when – silently, and so quickly – an unexpected wave caught it. The bird tried to lift its wings but the wave was like glue. A few seconds later it was as if the bird had never been there at all.

‘Damn,' Evan said, kicking the sand. ‘That was so wrong.'

‘It's my fault, I should have just let it eat the chips.'

I couldn't stand for this to be the last thing that happened between us, so I walked over and slipped my hand into his. Carry on just a little longer, I thought, the way you start to wake up from a good dream and try to get back to sleep.

‘Come back to mine?' he said.

‘Okay.'

 

We were lying on our backs in the front garden of Evan's apartment block. The street was quiet as if the darkness had done us a favour and pushed back the noise and all the people from the bars on Fitzroy Street, to give us room. Evan was holding my hand lightly and sometimes stroking my palm with his fingers. ‘Does that feel weird?' he said.

‘No, why?'

‘The tips of my fingers are hard from playing the guitar.'

‘I don't mind.' The stars and the touch of him were making me dizzy.

‘I told you it'd be a clear night,' he said.

‘Do you know the stars? I can only ever find the Southern Cross.'

‘I used to know more when I was a kid, which is weird. My mum told me about them before she left and I guess it was my way of thinking about her without actually thinking about her, if that makes sense.'

I squeezed his hand.

‘I don't know why but it actually makes me feel better to think of myself as a minuscule dot in the universe. Makes the little things seem less important for a moment. That one's Betelgeuse. I love it. One huge mother.'

‘Tell me more.'

‘It's a supergiant; one of the brightest. Part of Orion – that's the hunter. See there? And whenever they try to measure it, the readings confuse the hell out of people. It's kind of enigmatic. People try to pin down how big it really is but it keeps shifting.'

‘My grandmother's name means star,' I said, thinking how she was an enigma too.

‘What's she like?'

‘A bit like Betelgeuse, maybe. No one can really figure her out. She and my mum are really distant, which is weird. And me and my mum are, too. Seems stupid when we're all supposed to be part of the same family.'

‘Sounds normal. Look at us. I haven't seen my mum for a year.'

‘A year? I thought you hadn't seen her since you guys were little kids.'

‘She comes once a year at Christmas. We get a birthday card, too. That's it.'

I felt the shame of being lied to by Chloe. She'd always told me she hadn't seen her mum since she was six. ‘Aren't you angry?'

‘Who with?'

‘Your mum.'

‘Wouldn't do me any good. The way I see it, people call each other family because it makes them feel safe. Like the way we group stars together and call them constellations. But they're nowhere near each other. Take Orion up there. Maybe you and your mum and Essie are like those three stars across his belt. You look like you should be close from here but you're nowhere near each other.'

What he was saying felt too sharp and truthful but I asked him to carry on.

‘Those three stars are how people usually locate Orion. It's how the picture starts and I guess it helps us to make sense of something that's so huge we haven't got a hope in hell of understanding it. But it doesn't mean those stars have anything to do with each other, really. We just like to think they do.'

‘But I like the stories about stars.'

‘Me too. But there are lots of different versions of them so they can't all be right. People have to be close because they want to be, not just because they think they're part of a story they can't get out of.'

I didn't know what to say. Evan sounded so sure, and it felt like he was telling me I might as well give up on Essie and Mum. I'd wanted to a million times, but looking at those three stars made me want to join up the dots instead.

‘I bet your brother had something to say about you coming out with me tonight.'

‘He did, actually. What happened between you two?'

‘Don't know, we just . . . ended. I still got on with him and everything but it was like we were either going to be best friends or nothing. And we went with nothing.' He laughed but it sounded sad instead of cruel. ‘Have you still got a cat called Scribble?'

‘Yep. He hates me. Or at least he used to, he seems to have changed his mind recently. Evan, why did you ask me on a date?' It just came out; I squeezed my eyes shut. I sensed him roll onto his side and felt his breath on my cheek.

‘The last few times I saw you, you looked lonely.'