Stay With Me (11 page)

They would never hold their grandchild in their arms.

They were dead, and I’d never see them again.

Lucas looked into my eyes. I tried to smile. I hadn’t wanted to ruin our evening, but it felt natural to tell him everything. I’d never done it before. The only people truly close to me were the ones who had experienced the tragedy with me.

“Are you alright, Zoe?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m very sorry about your parents.”

“Thank you for listening. Even though this probably isn’t an appropriate subject for a first date,” I remarked as I tasted a snail, which I found to be sublime.

“I hope this will be the first among many other . . . dates. Besides, we’ve known each other for over a year, so I’m not really a stranger, right?”

“No, you’re not,” I said and went back to focusing on the plate in front of me.

The dinner went back to being light and pleasurable. Lucas proved himself to be splendid company, and I found myself thinking it was a pity I’d waited so long to go out with him.

He told me how he’d decided to become a chef, about his family, who lived in San Diego, and about his last relationship, which had ended because she couldn’t put up with his work hours.

“May I ask you something, Lucas?” I said while we were sipping coffee. “How come you get your cupcakes from me?”

“And muffins,” he added.

“Exactly. Why?”

“I came to the grand opening for Café for You and I found your pastries to be delicious. Then I saw you . . . and I came back.” He cleared his throat. “For the first two months, I came to your place at least five times a week, but you . . . God, you were always so busy. You never even granted me a look.” He took my hand again. “And so I decided to call on you for my restaurant too.”

“And here I thought you chose me for my fabulous cupcakes.”

“No, I chose your cupcakes for you.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it.

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to push you. But the other day, I stopped resisting. What do I have to lose?”

“Nothing,” I whispered.

“I would have denied myself this splendid evening with you. And then, who knows, maybe others too.”

I smiled shyly. Fortunately, the waitress came to deliver the check and a message to Lucas from the chef, letting him know he was too busy to leave the kitchen and that he would call him the next day.

He paid with his credit card, and ten minutes later we were on the way back home. A beautiful song by Brandi Carlile, “The Story,” was playing on the radio, and I found myself singing along.

“You like this song?” Lucas asked, interrupting my singing and the thoughts of the person the song reminded me of: Andrew.

I was made for him. Too bad he’d never understood that.

“Yes, I like it a lot.”

Lucas’s hand rested on my leg, and I grabbed hold of it, resting my head on the seat.

“It’s eleven. Do you want to go home, or may I keep you out a little while longer?”

I turned toward him and thought how easy it would be to love a man like him, how he made me feel important and unique.

And yet . . .

“I need to go back in, for Olivia. I’ve never stayed out so long before.”

“Of course, I’ll drive you home. Just promise me we’ll be able to see each other again on Wednesday,” he said, smiling, without taking his eyes off the road.

I thought about it for a moment. I knew I had something to do then. Then it came to me. “I have Mag’s birthday. If you like, you can come with me,” I said, not realizing at the time that Andrew would likely also be attending the party.

“Of course. What time?”

“Seven-thirty, at her house.”

“I’ll be there,” he said. “I have the evening off, and I’m letting the sous chef work.”

“Mag will be very pleased to see you.”

“I’ll be even happier seeing you again,” he said with an elusive smile.

He parked behind my building, by the door to the café and stairs to my apartment, and put the car into neutral. “I really enjoyed being with you.”

“Me too, Lucas.” And it was true. For the first time in a long time, I hadn’t been consumed by thoughts of Andrew, and in that moment, the thought of going upstairs and facing him made me restless.

“See you on Wednesday, then.” He came closer to my face, running his hand at the nape of my neck and leaned toward me, softly tapping my lips with his finger. “Our first kiss won’t be in the car, Zoe. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I stepped out of the car in a state of confusion.
This was the second time I had hoped he would kiss me
. Instead he’d surprised me. Again.

11

I opened the door to the apartment and found it dark inside. I looked around, but there was no trace of Andrew.

I went to look in Olivia’s room. She was sleeping like an angel, but he wasn’t there either.

Where had he gone?

I went back into the living room and saw the door to the terrace wide open. He was standing there with his arms resting on the balustrade, wearing a gaze that seemed lost in space.

“Andrew?” I said softly.

He didn’t move an inch. “I thought you were going out with Alyssa.”

“I never said that.”

“That’s true, you didn’t.” He sighed. “In fact she called and left you a message on your answering machine. She was curious to find out what base you’d allowed Lucas to get to.”

Alyssa did that on purpose. I’d let her know via text message that Andrew was watching Olivia, and instead of calling me on my cell, she called home to leave a message, knowing it would upset him. I could have strangled her.

“I’ll call her later. You can go now, Andrew. Thanks,” I said, wanting to end the conversation.

He turned to look at me and his lips drew into a half-smile. His eyes, though, seemed tormented. “So, which base did you let that guy get to?”

“Andrew—”

“Tell me, Zoe, did you give yourself to him quickly, the way you did with me?” he hissed brutally.

“Stop it!” I burst out. “You have no right to talk to me that way! I’m neither your fiancée nor your girlfriend. What I do in my private life is my business, not yours.” I was out of breath.

“And yet, I seem to remember that a week ago, in this very house, you were doubled over with desire, minutes away from being fucked by yours truly! Did you need to find a replacement to satisfy your needs?”

My eyes opened wide, horrified by his cruel words. Why did he have to hurt me so cruelly?

“It’s time for you to leave. I’m tired.” I wanted to do a lot of things: insult him, slap him, yell at him. But I didn’t. It wouldn’t have served any purpose.

“What, my replacement wore you out? It’s not even midnight. I remember how you’d go all night. You must have lost some of your shine.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked quietly, my voice shaking from the pain.

After taking two steps, he was standing in front of me. “Why did you let another guy fuck you?” he asked, tormented. “How could you allow yourself to be touched by another man?”

“Andrew, stop it!” I implored. “He took me out to dinner.” I wiped my face with my hands. Why was I justifying myself to him? He’d just wounded me, and yet I was the one defending myself.

He’d really lost it.

“To dinner?” he said skeptically.

“Not everyone is like you, Andrew. Not everyone is ashamed of me. To you it might seem absurd, but some people enjoy taking me out to dinner and showing me off to the world.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Well, it seems obvious, doesn’t it? You and I, in an entire year—in a very long fucking year—never even went out once. Never.”

“Zoe, I did it for you.”

“That’s a load of shit, Andrew,” I said, using language that wasn’t my own. “You never took me out because I was something you wanted to hide, not protect. Ours couldn’t even be called a relationship.”

“Zoe . . .” His voice was hoarse. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well then, illuminate me. Tell me everything, I’m here, right in front of you, so do it!”

“I can’t.”

“And yet you can stand here insulting me as though I were the worst among women, asking me absurd questions. Accusing me of things. As though I were yours. And you can’t even talk honestly to me one single time?”

“Zoe . . .”

“Stop it, Andrew!” I struck his torso with my palms. “Stop hurting me, I beg you.”

He grabbed my wrists and pulled me toward him, circling my body with his arms.

“Sorry, baby, you’re right. But when it comes to you, I can’t think clearly. I didn’t want to say those things. I never thought of you as easy,” he whispered in my ear. “Forgive me, Zoe.”

I allowed myself to be totally reeled in by him, sending my plans for Zoe 2 down the drain. I would never manage to be the victor over Andrew. No matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings, his contact was all it took to bring everything I felt for him back to the surface.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, kissing my head. “Sorry . . .”

“You have to let me go, Andrew. You can’t do this. You’re about to get married, and I—”

“Shhh. I know, baby. I know, but I need to stay with you like this another minute, still, just the two of us.”

I breathed in his scent and didn’t move, knowing fully I was in the only place I truly wanted to be. Just like four years ago . . .

A noise in the hallway awoke me
.

I blinked several times before I could bring the hotel room, with its elegant wallpaper and the fresh flowers on the night table, into focus.

The cold, cutting light of the early morning broke through the cracks in the blinds and reflected itself in horizontal lines on the carpet.

Dawn must have just broken.

I yawned and noticed my lingerie spread all over the floor, mixed with Andrew’s clothes.

The thought of what had happened a few short hours before made me burn up and bite my lip as I listened to his breathing behind me.

I was anxious . . .

Unlike the other times when we’d only meet for sex, I hadn’t left.

I had fallen asleep, perhaps even on purpose, and now here I was, in sheets that were still warm from us, paralyzed from the fear he might hear me and wake up and say . . . something devastating.

I was afraid he’d hurt me.

Perhaps I was only trying to test him.

What exactly was I trying to achieve? I was taking a huge risk, and if I’d been smart, I would have gotten up quietly and left.

It seems intelligence does not always go arm in arm with love. Certainly not in this case.

I silenced the voice inside my head and turned over slowly.

Andrew was sleeping.

He lay with an arm behind his head and his lips were sulky.

Even when he was asleep, he maintained that tough businessman air of his.

I had to keep myself from bursting out laughing. And yet, inevitably, anxiety returned to haunt me.

I had stomach cramps, and my heart was beating fast.

For days I’d been ruminating. Distancing myself from Andrew was becoming increasingly difficult, and in the hours we were apart, I missed him terribly. I had the constant need to be in contact with him, even if only through silly text messages.

I knew what I was walking into, that once I embarked on a certain path, it would be difficult to turn around. But I just couldn’t remain detached.

I couldn’t be like him: enjoy the sex and that’s it.

I envied him because he didn’t risk his heart the way I did.

If I continued on this path, I would wind up hurt. In fact, if he sent me away right then, I would have been shattered.

Who knows what he would say?

“What is it, Zoe? Have you lost your marbles?”

“Zoe, I thought you’d already left.”

“Baby, I don’t know why you’re still here. I don’t have time to have sex in the morning.”

Andrew suddenly moved and to avoid him finding me there staring at him, I closed my eyes.

I was wondering how many seconds it would take him to pronounce the cutting words that would disappoint me. Instead, I didn’t hear anything except for the sighs of his slumber.

I felt so weak when it came to him.

I had even postponed previous plans so as to not miss the chance to spend time with him and to get the most out of what he was offering. Everything else came second to Andrew and his needs.

Pathetic.

I was about to open my eyes again when I heard him moving again.

The warmth of his body kept drawing nearer until he pulled me toward him with one big tug.

I should have struck him, because he didn’t even have respect for my sleep—well, hypothetical sleep—but I did nothing other than smile.

He brought me on top of him as his breath ran down my hair and his large hands down my naked back.

“Zoe?” he said with a hoarse voice, which was barely audible.

I didn’t answer, and continued to enjoy his smell and his embrace.

“Damn it, Zoe, if you didn’t wake up after that, you must be some kind of hibernating rhinoceros.”

“Watch it, I have a horn hidden somewhere. And besides, rhinoceroses don’t hibernate,” I whispered against his ear.

He chuckled and I rubbed my nose on his neck.

“I know, I know. So why are you still here?” he asked in a velvety voice. He didn’t seem to mind that I was.

“I fell asleep. I was tired.”

He chuckled again, leaving a trail of kisses along my shoulder. “Right, after everything I did to you.”

“I was referring to work.”

“Are you trying to insult me, Zoe?”

“Not at all. But I’m leaving now.” I tried to get up, but he pulled me toward him again.

“Don’t even think about it,” he said. “You’re naked and on top of me, exactly where you should be.”

His hands moved down my skin. Then he grabbed my butt and squeezed tight. “Even in the very early morning, you’re so delicious.”

And what happened next was inevitable. We lost ourselves in one another, enjoying the extreme pleasure we succeeded in feeling every time.

His body knew exactly which chords to strike to make me lose my head, and make me ache for it again and again.

In that moment, when my orgasm crushed me like an overflowing river, I knew I was lost.

Of being totally and inexorably in love with him.

I was his.

And this awareness crashed into me like a giant lightning bolt, electrifying every cell of my body.

Once we both fell back onto the bed panting, I was almost terrified of looking into his eyes, because I was certain he would understand what I truly felt for him.

The mattress moved and I was deprived of the heat of his body and the scent of his skin. I peeked at him as he walked toward the bathroom naked, closing the door behind him.

I put my hand to my racing heart. God, this man made me feel sensations no one had ever aroused in me.

And even if my brain had wanted me to run out of there, my body was glued to the mattress.

The gush from the shower reached my ears as though it were the most beautiful melody. The memories of us wrapped around one another made me hot all over again.

Could I ever get enough?