Stay With Me (15 page)

“Birdseed, my ass!” I shouted.

Drew set my chair back on all fours but made no move to vacate. “So you ready to call it quits with the Blakes?”

“This Sunday should be the end. At this point, it’s just painful to watch. My last stakeout, the woman took the kids to a matinee at the Discovery Museum. That’s the day after the cookies and face painting. My camera is so full of dedicated wife and mother, I could barf.”

He smirked. “What’d I tell you?”

I shrugged. “If it didn’t ever happen, we wouldn’t almost own this illustrious, tiny-ass building.”

“Here’s to three more years of people not trusting each other as far as they can throw one another?”

“Let it be said, let it be done.” I grinned. “Now get your ass out of my chair.”

I felt a sudden prickling sensation between my shoulder blades, and before Drew even drawled “Well, look who’s here?” in greeting, I knew he was there. When I turned, Jordan was standing in my doorway, face impassive, looking damn near edible. Faded whitewashed jeans clung to his long legs like a second skin, and a faded pale blue Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirt clung to the rest. Jordan in a suit and tie was impressive, but he did casual
very
,
very
well.

“Jordan,” I said.

He seemed to ignore my greeting completely as he said icily to Drew, “Rodriguez.”

“Channing.”

Cold voice met colder voice, and my head whipped back and forth between the two of them. Confusion didn’t begin to describe it. Drew didn’t seem perplexed at all, which led me to wonder if they’d had some sort of confrontation I didn’t know about.

I made big, scary eyes at Drew.
Get out
, they said. He ignored me.

“You come for an update on your case?” he asked, leaning back in my chair again.

“Which I can handle,” I said, making menacing eyes again.

“Mac, weren’t you going to finish that report for the Blakes?” Drew asked innocently. “I’d be more than happy—”

I gave up on subtle. “Get lost.”

I closed the door on his laughter after he finally ambled his way out. I gestured toward one of the chairs in front of my desk. “Have a seat.”

Jordan nodded and passed in front of me to take the chair I indicated. My eyes shot to his perfectly formed ass in those faded jeans like a googly-eyed yo-yo on a string, and I warned myself to be professional. The man shouldn’t be allowed to wear jeans. Before he could catch me ogling him like a horny teenager, I looked down at the manila folder Jennie had thrust at me earlier and unclenched my sweaty palm enough to read the label. Channing, Jordan.

Damn. She
was
good.

“What can I help you with?” I asked, taking a seat in my chair.

“What’s up with you and Drew?”

“What?”

“You and Drew. Your business partner.”

“I know who Drew is,” I said, confused. “I’m just not sure what you’re asking me.”

“Forget it.” He leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “I’m not here about the case.”

My breathing was doing this strange herky-jerky dance in my ears. “Why are you here, then?”

“I’ve thought about what happened between us. A lot. Shit, listen to me going on, and I don’t know if it’s even crossed your mind.”

Only every time I close my eyes.
“A bit,” I said noncommittally.

“Well, it’s crossed my mind a lot more than that.” He let out a huff of self-deprecating laughter that made my stomach flip. “And I’ve come to a conclusion.”

“Yeah?” My voice was huskier than usual, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. If his conclusion involved anything about a repeat performance, the only question in my mind would be who could lock the door faster.

“Yeah.” When he looked back up, his voice seemed different somehow. Different than he’d ever used with me. Unsure. Sorry? Piteous? I knew then that I wasn’t going to like what he was going to say. “There can be no relationship between us, Mac. It just wouldn’t… work.”

My ears questioned me.
You’re the ones who aren’t working properly
, I argued with my ears.
No, that’s what he said
, they insisted. I sat there for a moment, sorting through the feelings coursing through my body. Disappointment. Anger, yeah. But not a drop of surprise. That fact made my shoulders slump briefly in acceptance. I was not, in fact, surprised at all.

The proper thing to do would be to discuss how he wanted to close out the investigation. Thank him for his honesty and encourage him to call me if he needed anything. I was considering beaning him with the folder. I’ve never been overly mature.

“Let me get this straight. No pun intended, of course. You came here to tell me that kissing me was a mistake? Is that about the whole of it?”

He flushed. “Not a flattering depiction, to be sure.”

“Not as unflattering as I wanted to be, Channing.”

“We just don’t make sense, you and I. I can’t wrap my mind around changing something that’s been so completely unquestionable my whole life. I’ve thought about it, and obsessed over it, and it’s a bridge I just can’t cross. I just… can’t.” When he looked up at me through his lashes, those half-moon eyes filled with misery and something else I couldn’t define. I wanted to hate him. No, I wanted to
despise
him. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite up to the task.
God.
I
told
you relationships were a shit-fest.

I folded my arms across my chest and leaned back in my chair. “I understand,” I finally said.

He snorted. “No, you don’t. Your mouth is saying ‘I understand’ while your body language is saying ‘fuck off.’”

“I meant English. I understand English, Jordan. You don’t have to keep repeating yourself. It was one kiss. It meant nothing.”

He looked a bit taken aback. “So you’re… cool?”

No.
“Perfect,” I said coolly. “As for your case, I should be prepared to give you my final report within the week. I’ll be able to deliver the report via mail.”

“All right. Okay.” He wiped his hands on his jeans, betraying his confusion. “Well, I suppose I should just go.”

“Yes.” When I met his eyes, I knew he would remember. “You should.”

He flushed and stood. “You’re angry.”

“Bingo. Give that man a prize.”

He stood there, watching me work in silence. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of looking up. He had done his dirty deed. Now he could go. Was I supposed to assuage his conscience as well?

He came around the desk, next to my chair. I looked up, mouth agape at his brazenness as he propped himself up on my desk, hoisting himself onto the edge. Clearly Jordan wanted to hash this out.
Dig up that dead horse and bring your stick so we can beat him to death again.

“It’s not like you just know these things.” He shook his head. “I guess I’m just not as sure as you were. Newsflash: I’m not like you.”

“That’s certainly what you seem to be telling yourself daily,” I murmured, shuffling through several of my files.

He slammed a hand on my desk and made my eyes go wide. Apparently he wasn’t kidding about worrying over the decision. I let the manila folder drift to the desk in silence.

“All right, you have my attention.”

“Please stop treating this as a joke,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m trying to sort through something here, and whether you and I get together or not, you should be helping me with it. As my friend.”

I
was
his friend, damn him. In the beginning, I had lusted after his hot body, yeah. Who wouldn’t? But somewhere along the line, I had grown to like him as something else.

I sighed. “There’s no crime in being bi, Jordan. You’ve known there was something between us for a while now. If you had devoted as much energy towards it as you did fighting it, we’d be in bed right now.”

“This weird chemistry thing? Yes. Yes, I did!” he exploded. “But what am I supposed to do with that? I’ve never—”

“It’s not weird chemistry,” I said hotly. “
I
am not weird, and neither is being attracted to men.”

“Could you stop twisting my words for like two seconds? I mean, how would I know?” We sat there for a moment, silent, before he probed further. “How did
you
know?”

I sighed. “I just knew. I knew that, even though I could appreciate the beauty of both male and female, there was something extra there for the male. It wasn’t just an appreciation of beauty; it was like my sexuality came alive. Being with a man awakened my senses, made me feel differently. I never questioned it. It just
was
. I
was
. All hard, flat lines and musculature, long legs and broad shoulders….” I trailed off as my eyes traveled up Jordan’s body. “Flat, toned stomach and thick, muscled thighs. Like a work of art come to life,” I finished weakly, looking away.

I felt very animalistic all of a sudden, heated from the inside out. I could smell his arousal and mine, commingling in the air, and I was suddenly exhausted, fighting the most intense attraction of my life. If he wasn’t going to be gay, then the least he could do was go away.

“Jordan, why are you still here?”

“Maybe you could help me. Help me know if this is real or not. You know.” His gaze slid from mine. “We could try some things.”

I smiled even though I was feeling far from perky. “Ah. And there’s the rub.”

“Yeah, maybe some of that too.” He gave a half smile.

“Cute. That’s real cute, J. So you want me to be your dirty little sample, then. Something to test the waters.”

“That’s nice, Mackenzie,” he said, his tone sharp. “You know it’s not like that.”

“What’s it like, then?”

“You act as if I’m supposed to just know exactly what to do. It’s like I woke up one day and everything I knew was different.
I’m
different.”

I
did
know what that was like. At least I hadn’t had to change everything I knew about my own sexuality—I’d had no sexual identity to speak of. And one day, I suddenly knew why. It wasn’t a flash-bang grenade or fireworks on the beach, just an organic, quiet knowledge of who I was and
what
I was. I didn’t have anyone saying it was wrong or I was evil. I’d revealed the information to those closest to me and begun living my life as I knew I was born to.

Oblivious to my internal struggle, Jordan continued. “I’d like to know if this is real. If I’m really… something other than what I thought. Something tangible to hold on to before I turn my entire life upside down.”

My undersexed brain could not comprehend why this was a bad idea. Jordan had made it clear that he wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with me. The only way this
would
happen was right here. Right now. My hand went to his belt buckle, and I don’t know why.

“Like a hand job.”

He went red as fire. “If that’s what you wanted to do.”

It is.
I continued on, casually, as if I hadn’t been dreaming about tasting him since I’d first met him. “So what, you just plan on asking all your gay friends if they’ll introduce you to your own sexuality?”

“I wouldn’t trust anyone else to ask this of them,” he said honestly, and I wanted to punch him in the stomach. If he continued to make this about more than sex, I would kill him. Well, first I’d fuck him, and then I’d kill him.

I flicked the belt through the loop and let the heavy buckle fall to the side. He wouldn’t be here long enough to take it off. “Let’s get a few things straight, Channing.”

I don’t think he was even breathing as I slid his zipper down the track slowly, maintaining eye contact. “There are a few rules you need to acknowledge.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. First, I’m no experiment. I’m doing this because I’ve wanted to do this since I first laid eyes on you.”

His eyes flickered over my face, but I paid no attention to his soft “Okay.” My fingers traced his erection, tenting blue silk boxers, and he let out a hiss.

“This is about one thing. Getting you off. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Second, this isn’t about friendship. I don’t do this for my friends.” I grinned a little. “Despite what Asher says. This is about getting you off.”

He opened his mouth in what I can only imagine was a protest, until I rubbed his erection through his boxers. He subsided with a weak “Sounds real good right about now.”

“Lastly, this isn’t about trust. We are not going to hold hands and sing
Kumbaya
. This is about what again?”

“Getting me off,” he groaned as my hand went up and down, teasing his rigid cock through the soft fabric.

“My pleasure,” I said.

I pulled his shirt free of his pants and pushed the fabric up far enough to ghost my mouth across his well-toned stomach. I was aware that this went beyond the scope of what we’d agreed upon. This went beyond proving a point.

You can still leave him wound up
, I consoled myself.
Get him just far enough. Then walk away.

“I love the way you respond to me,” I murmured, running my hands over the silken skin of his stomach and up to his flat nipples. He hissed as I circled one with the tip of my finger and then the tip of my tongue. “But how far, exactly, do you want this to go? Hand job? Blow job? A finger in your ass? More than that?”

His face was absolutely scarlet, but he pulled my face up to his and gave me a thorough kiss that made my smart mouth a little less smart. “Whatever feels good,” he responded. His hand made the journey from my face to my neck, where he held me still enough to look into my eyes. “And right now, you feel fucking amazing.”

He smelled good. He felt good. Hell, I felt good, and he hadn’t done anything to me yet. I frowned and pulled back. I was in control. And it was about time he realized it.

I dropped back down in my chair and leaned back, easing my erection but not unzipping my pants. If I took my pants off, I wouldn’t be able to think at all.

“Show me what you got,” I said lazily, enjoying the fresh bloom of color in his cheeks. I wasn’t going to make this easy. He wasn’t going to pretend this just happened so fast. He wasn’t going to close his eyes and pretend it was someone else, either.