Starting Over (2 page)

After hours in the car, Liz had come up with the best way to tell him what she had found out. Instead of using the caution she had planned, she ended up blurting it out as they stood in the middle of the forest, complete targets for anyone who might be stupid enough to have come after him.

She sat curled in front of the fire with a blanket around her shoulders. The only thing she managed to save from the car before jumping into his arms was her purse, with her laptop inside. All her clothes and belongings had plummeted down the mountain with her car. J.R. sat next to Scott, both of them watching her intently.

Fifteen years since she had left and the man who still held her heart didn’t look as if he’d changed. He’d grayed a little around the temples, and he had a few more wrinkles around the eyes which she was sure were due to long hours in the office. But he still sped her heart rate just like the first time she’d seen him. Even after all this time, she loved him. It was as strong as the day she’d left, maybe stronger because of their time apart.

“Now, do you want to explain what the hell you’re doing here?”

“A few years ago I accepted a job with the FBI as a technical analyst.”

“Get to the point,” he snapped.

“Damn it, Scott, you’re neck high in mafia business. They’re going to try to take you down if they can. I’ve come to reason with you, to get you to leave it. I’ll pull some strings, we can get you witness protection. Anything, because this is going to go down one of two ways…either you’ll end up in prison or in a casket.”

“The FBI sent you?” He gave a light chuckle before leaning over to rub J.R.’s head. “Hear that, boy? She’s our protection.”

She let go of the blanket and grabbed her bag. “If you don’t believe me, everything is in here.” She held out her laptop to him. “As for the FBI, they don’t know I’m here. If they did I’d probably lose my job.”

“Then why are you here?” When he didn’t take the laptop, she set it aside.

“Because I love you, Scott! I’ve never stopped, but I couldn’t live with someone who would shut me out.” The tears she had been suppressing began to fall and there was no holding them back now.

“It was my way of protecting you. I knew I was in trouble when I met the
friends
of that doctor I was defending. That’s when this shit started. Pushing you away seemed like the best idea I had.”

“It’s been going on for fifteen years?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The man she loved had been wrapped up in the mafia for over a decade. Was he in deeper than she suspected?

“Not by choice. It’s been off and on, mostly when they need someone to defend them. I’m not in that deep and it’s not like I’m doing anything illegal.”

“You’re defending scumbags…getting them off.” With the chill returning, she pulled the blanket around her again. “That’s not the reason you became a lawyer. Remember all the good you wanted to do? What happened to that?”

“It wasn’t like I asked for this. I never wanted to deal with this shit.” He leaned back in the chair and J.R. put his head on his knees. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re not worried the FBI could try to tie you into the whole mess when they bring the organization down?”

“I’ve always worried about that, but I’ve made sure I’m only doing what I’m hired to do. Because of attorney-client privilege, I can’t divulge anything they told me when I was defending them. I’ve never taken part in any of their schemes, or anything illegal.”

She forced her gaze from him and looked at the fireplace. She watched as the log burned, sending sparks floating up the chimney. Did he not understand that even being associated with them was dangerous? If he ever failed to represent one of their people as they thought he should, it could mean the end of his life.

Years ago she realized she had made the biggest mistake by walking out on him, but she could never find the courage to go back to him, to tell him why she had left. When she found out about this connection she had no choice but to go to him. Before she had even given it proper thought as to what it would do to her career, she was already on her way. Now she sat there wondering if she had made another mistake, because he didn’t seem to care that his career and life were on the line. Maybe she hadn’t known him as well as she thought—or had he changed that much in the last fifteen years?

“You’re willing to give up your whole life to defend them? You’re willing to go to prison for them?” She shook her head, sending her hair into her face. “That’s not the man I fell in love with. The one who was going to fix the world, defend the people who needed it, and see that justice was done for the families involved. What happened to you?”

“I’ve been here for days asking myself the same thing.” He ran his hand over J.R.’s head and scratched behind his ears. “If you came to find that man, I’m afraid he’s gone. Only the outer shell has been left behind like a remnant of yesteryear.”

“Why? He was a good man.”

“The world is a harsh place, sometimes you’ve got to change to stay alive.” He shook his head. “You know, a phone would have worked just as well for you to tell me this.”

“I thought it needed to be done in person. I hoped I might convince you to leave this behind and let me help you. Plus, you never know, your phones could be bugged. If they overheard what I had to say, it could have meant your death, and it most certainly would have shattered the case the FBI has been building.” She frowned. “I take it you’re not happy to see me.”

“After all these years…” He stood up from the chair and stalked toward the kitchen.

“What? After all these years, what?”

He pulled open the refrigerator door, disappearing until a moment later when he stood upright with a bottle of beer in his hand. “You show up, wanting to save me. Where were you when I nearly lost my firm because I couldn’t get my head on straight? All of my thoughts were so tangled around you I couldn’t focus on the case before me. Or the months I spent looking for you for some kind of explanation. We were together for six years and I didn’t even deserve a face-to-face explanation of why you left without even talking to me.”

“Do you think it wasn’t heartbreaking for me to leave? I love you, Scott. You were my world. But you changed, suddenly you wouldn’t talk to me. You couldn’t even look me in the eye. What was I supposed to do?” She stood and J.R. rose as if on guard. Watching the dog, she moved carefully toward the kitchen. When she got to the counter separating the kitchen and living area, J.R. growled, as if letting her know that was far enough. “You might be upset on how things ended but don’t use that as a reason not to save yourself. If you don’t want me to help you, then fine, I’ll get someone else to help, but don’t…”

He set the beer aside and closed the distance between them. There was something she hadn’t seen in his eyes in so long and she realized it was desire. He placed his hands on her hips and lifted her to the counter, claiming her lips. He tasted of hops and spice from the beer. Instead of pulling away from him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and met his advances. Slipping his tongue between her lips, he devoured her.

With one final kiss he pulled back leaving her breathless, and just stared at her. Just like that, she could see the love in his eyes. It was like none of the last fifteen years had happened and they were right back where they had been before.

“Oh, Scott.” She reached to him but he stepped back. “What?”

“After the New Year, I was starting my life fresh. It’s why I came here…to bury the ghost of you once and for all. Now you just show up after fifteen years.”

“You can’t pretend you don’t still feel the same way about me.”

“You’re right, I can’t, but fifteen years is too long to just pick up where we left off.” He snatched his beer off the counter and took a long swig.

“I’ll leave.”

“Where the hell are you going to go? Your car is over the mountain and you can’t get very far on foot, not in this weather.” He leaned against the counter, watching her.

“I don’t know, but obviously I can’t stay here.”

For a moment she wondered if he would even care if she walked out that door and never came back. Maybe she was wrong; what she saw in his gaze wasn’t love, it might have been desire but that was it. Her heart broke a little as she realized she might have lost him for good. Maybe all these years she had hoped that one day they’d find each other again and could be as they once were. Now she realized that could never happen. Years had split the love they had for each other and even though she still loved him, he had clearly moved on.

“Liz…are you listening to me?” He set the beer aside and had come closer to her while she was lost in her thoughts. “Earth to Liz.”

“What?” She shook her head, freeing herself from the memories of the past.

“I said you’ll stay here until the storm is over.”

“What are you going to do about the mafia? Are you still going to represent their people?” She didn’t care that she might have jeopardized her job for nothing, what she cared about was him. Even if they couldn’t be together, she didn’t want him dead or in prison.

“My new life begins the day after New Year’s, so there’s nothing to worry about.” He picked up his beer and took a long swig.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”

“I’ve never been the impulsive type. That was always you, sugar.”

She hopped off the counter. “Then tell me.”

“I’ve quit.” He smirked over the top of his beer bottle. “Sold my practice to a junior lawyer I had working for me for the last few years. My condo hits the market Monday and I’m leaving New York.”

“They’ll find you. This won’t end, you know too much.”

“Then that’s the price I’ll have to pay. For fifteen years I was stuck defending scumbags who deserved to be in prison, but no longer. I’m done practicing law, it just doesn’t mean the same as it once did.”

She closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his cheek. “You might hate me, but please let me help you.”

Scott tried to distance himself from her, to build walls between them. But this time it seemed harder than before. His body fought against him, his shaft stiffening. He wanted to reach out and touch her. What he wanted and what he needed were two different things, and he wasn’t sure which would win out in the end.

Against his better judgment, he laid his hand over hers, cupping it closer to his cheek. “I could never hate you.”

“Then let me help you.”

“Even if I needed your help, which I don’t, it wouldn’t be a very good idea.” He looked down at her, hating the sadness in her eyes. It made him want to kiss her, to tell her that he was still in love with her. Instead he kept his mouth shut and slipped his hand away. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve already told them I was retiring, they’ve known for a few months and were one of the first I told.”

“You think they’ll let you walk away with the secrets you know and that will be it? I’ve read the FBI file on them. People have been killed for less things.”

No, they have enough on me that if I were to say anything to anyone, they’d pull me down with them.
But he couldn’t tell her that. “It’s a chance that must been taken, but I’ve been told that as long as the lawyer who has taken over the practice continues to work for them, there will be no problems. Well, that and I don’t say anything about my dealings with them.”

“I never thought you could be so naïve.” She stepped back until she was pressed against the counter that separated the kitchen and living room.

“Not naïve, just hopeful that I’ll be able to have some kind of life again. It’s why I’m leaving the city. I’ve considered moving out of the state and just before J.R. alerted me that you were in need I had been considering staying here. Maybe teaching at the community college. Either way, I’m leaving the city.”

“You think this is far enough from their reach?”

“No. It’s several hours from the city but if they wanted to come after me they’d find me no matter where I went. I won’t live in fear. I’ve done my job for them and that’s as far as things go. I’m done practicing law, city life, and everything else. I just want some peace and quiet.”

She tipped her head sideways and looked at him. “You’d really give up the city, your fast paced career, and everything to move here? You always complained that this town was too small for you and that there was nothing here for you.”

“Let’s just say in the last several years I’ve learned there’s more to life than go-go-go. I’ve been coming up here more and more over the years, it seems like maybe this is where I’m supposed to be after all.” He polished off his beer before he pushed himself off the counter to stand upright. He didn’t care that there was still a few hours until midnight, all he wanted was to get some distance between them. “I think we both need some rest. I’ll set my alarm to wake me up every two hours so I can check on you.”

“That isn’t necessary.”

“It is. You hit your head and you were unconscious. It’s likely you have a concussion.” He tossed the beer bottle in the trash. “I’m sure you remember where the guest room is. I’ve laid out some dry clothes for you. They aren’t going to fit very well but it’s the best I can do.”

She looked down at her clothes, as if realizing for the first time that everything she had in the car had gone off the mountain. She’d been aware of that, but now she was finally wondering what to do about it. No clothes, toothbrush, nothing. Just the damn purse with her laptop she’d slung over her shoulder as she climbed out the back of the car. “Thanks.”

“Goodnight.” Needing a quick escape, he slipped past her and headed toward the back of the cabin where the only two bedrooms were.

In the safety of what could be consider the master bedroom, except without the extra space most master suites had, he leaned against the closed door and took a deep breath. How he was going to get through the next two days of this storm before they could even think about getting out was beyond him. He sucked in a deep breath as he realized midnight would be upon them soon. They were stuck together for what was supposed to be one of the most romantic holidays of the year. At that moment he’d rather have faced the whole mafia with guns blazing than have to spend New Year’s with her.

* * *

Liz stood in the kitchen and watched him walk away with J.R. prancing after him. The German Shepherd’s nails clicked on the worn hardwood floor, as if announcing their departure. The innocence of it made it so much harder to bear.

It was New Year’s Eve and she was alone. If she wanted that, she could have stayed home. Instead, she was snowbound with Scott and he just walked away from her as she had done to him years ago. He had closed her out and no matter what the kiss had indicated he didn’t seem interested in being anywhere near her. She hadn’t known until he kissed her just how much she had missed him and wanted to be with him. All the years apart and she never even considering finding someone else. Her heart had always been his and always would be, even if he didn’t want it.

Part of her wanted to go after him and fight for what they once had, but the years of division spanned longer than her reach. There was nothing she could say or do that would take back what she had done to him. The day she left, she had crushed everything they could have had together. Now all that was left was distance.

She grabbed her laptop to pull up the files she had saved. There had to be something in there that could be used in exchange for his freedom from them. She wasn’t convinced the mafia would let him leave with all he knew, but since he seemed content enough to let it be it was up to her to find a way to save him. She might have failed him once, but she wouldn’t do it again. This time she’d prove to him that there was something worth fighting for.

* * *

Time crept by while Scott sat on the edge of the bed, the engagement ring box in his hand. J.R. laid in the middle in the bed, completely unaware that his owner was in turmoil. Fifteen years ago seemed liked a lifetime ago, but that’s when he had it all. Now, he couldn’t believe he didn’t have everything he thought he would have had at this point in his life. His law practice might have been successful, but it had lost its luster.

The diamond sparkled as the light from the small bedside table lamp hit it, and he remembered the day he’d seen it in the window. He had been on his way back from lunch, heading to his office to meet with a client, when the window display at the jeweler’s a block from his office caught his eye. It shined like a beacon through the storm clouds that hung overhead and he knew it was perfect. Not wasting a second, he bought it, called to make reservations at their favorite restaurant for dinner that night, and planned to propose. It was all so storybook perfect…until she walked out on him.

Now, just when he was about to start his life over again, she walked in, throwing everything off balance. His body had reacted as if a day hadn’t passed by, and she could still bring his shaft to attention with only a look. While his body wanted to pick up where they left off, his heart remembered the pain of losing her. He might have been to blame for what happened between them, but could the two of them really go back to what they had?

The ring box slammed shut, echoing through the room, and he knew he wanted to try. He loved her and wasn’t about to let her slip through his fingers a second time. He glanced at the clock; two hours had passed. Rising from the bed, he looked down at his plaid pajama bottoms and his bare chest. For a moment he considered slipping a shirt on but decided it was time to begin to claim his woman. Now or never.

He pulled open the door and could see the light still on in the living room. “You better not have fallen asleep on the sofa.” There she was, stretched out in front of the fireplace, her laptop in front of her. “Liz, you’re supposed to be resting. You’ve hit your head, you shouldn’t be working. What the hell is so important?”

Her whole body shook, clearly startled. “What?” With a yawn she reached up and closed her laptop.

He shook his head. “Nothing has changed with you, has it? You’re still hardheaded.”

“When it’s about someone I care about, then yes.” She rose off her stomach and sat cross-legged. “What do you want, anyway?” Her tone made it clear she didn’t like being interrupted.

“It’s been two hours, I came to check on you.”

“Two hours?” She glanced up at the mantel to the clock before she looked back at him. “Wow. I didn’t realized I had been working that long. Don’t bitch, I’ll quit now. See you in two hours, I’ll be in the guest room, then.”

Dismissed, he turned on his heels.
Well, that could have gone better.
Damn it, how was he supposed to make things better between them if she snapped at him every time they were in the same room together? He couldn’t understand what she wanted from him. Then again maybe she wanted nothing from him and that pained him more than he thought it would have.

He kicked his bedroom door shut and slipped out of his pajama pants before climbing into the bed. His thoughts twisted and turned when it came to her as he reset his alarm for two hours. Rest, that’s what he needed if he was going to be on top of his game to pass carefully through the murky waters of Liz Hoffman.

He flicked off his bedside table when a tap on his door echoed throughout the room. “Yes.”

The door opened; not waiting for an invitation, she strolled in. “I was a bitch and I’m sorry.”

She lowered herself to sit on the side of the bed, and he wished he wasn’t naked under the blanket but he hadn’t expected her to just stroll into his room. J.R. brought his head up to look back at them before laying it back down. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” When she tucked a curl behind her ear, the urge to wrap his arms around her and pull her down into bed with him coursed through him.

“Scott…” Her voice broke before she seemed to gather control of herself. “I screwed up years ago but…”

“Stop, that’s in the past.”

“Damn it, let me finish.” She took his hand into hers. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve never stopped loving you. I understand that you’ve moved on and I’ll respect that, but I wanted you to know how I felt.” She stood, but he grabbed hold of her hand, stopping her from leaving.

“You should have confronted me, maybe I’d have seen reason and told you what was going on then.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I would have done, but I know this…maybe we wouldn’t have wasted all these years.”

“What are you saying?”

He tugged her back down onto the bed. “That I’ve loved you since you poured coffee all over my law papers and I still love you. It’s always been you, Liz, always.”