Starting Fires (43 page)

Pulling into my driveway, I stared at his empty house across the street. His car was hardly there now, and a big
For Sale
sign was stuck in the front yard. As I took my keys out of the ignition, I held them in my hand. The spare to his house was still there. I should return it, and knew that I couldn’t do it face to face.

Damaging my fingernails, I maneuvered it from the key ring and walked to his house with the intention of putting it back where it was before, but the rock was gone, as was his welcome mat. I searched his tiny garden and didn’t see a place to hide it. The doorframe was no good. Every time I put it up there, the narrow strip of wood couldn’t hold it and it slid off.

Hoping, praying, that he wouldn’t return while I did this, I turned the lock and stepped inside. I walked to his kitchen and placed it on the counter. He would know I was here. I should have given it to Charles instead, and let him return it. But I’d already invaded his space, the least I could do was let him know.

I was about to leave but stopped to stare down the hallway. His bedroom door was cracked. Some sick, twisted feeling pulled me there. No good would come from it. It would only cause me pain, but I went anyway. Slowly, I stepped in and surveyed the room. His clothes were still strewn everywhere. His bed was messy, the covers bunched where he’d gotten out of it. All of his beautiful trees were still on the walls, mine included.

Like a complete weirdo, I sat on his bed, hoping to connect with him one last time. Flashes of all our moments in this room came rushing back. This is where we’d been together the first time, and then many times after that. Propped up against his headboard was the first time he told me how perfect my body was, effectively ending my feelings of self-doubt. Since we’d met, I’d actually gained a little weight, but neither of us had seemed to care. We’d laughed in this room, played in this room, told each other secrets in this room. And soon it would be someone else’s. A stranger would be living here.

The edge of my picture frame caught my eye, and I reached for it. As I looked at it, I let out a gasp. Gone was the picture of the tree I’d taken. Instead, there was the picture of me, smiling over my shoulder, my heart and name,
his
name for me, in the corner.
Marzy.
No one would ever call me that again. Tears came to my eyes, and I felt my face twist in pain. Before he found me bawling on his bed, I put the picture back and left.

On the way out, I locked his door. Holding everything in, I walked back to my house and straight to my room, locking that door too.

It was the next day, and I hadn’t left my room. For hours, I’d been trying to figure out a way to fix this. It was harder than I realized to put aside my pride and stubbornness, but I knew time was running out. If I didn’t say something soon, he would be out of my reach.

My clock said 2:37 p.m. and I realized that I hadn’t even eaten, but I wasn’t hungry. Instead of going to find food, I thought about my picture on his nightstand. It was still there for a reason. I’d licked my wounds long enough. Maybe it was time to go to him. But what would I say?
Don’t leave.
He seemed so excited about Florida. What if I was too late to convince him that we still had a chance?

Getting nowhere with my thoughts, I welcomed the knock on my door. Wally opened it without waiting for me to invite him in, per usual. “Got something for you,” he said, handing me a piece of paper. It was a new lease. “It’s due tomorrow. We forgot about it, but we have to get it to them today. Ours expires at midnight.”

“I’ve lived here an entire year?” I asked, taking his pen and scrawling my name on the line. “Will it matter that my dad signed the last one?”

“Naw. This guy’s pretty cool. He knows you’re the one living with us anyway.”

I handed it back to him. A year ago, I’d seen Lucas standing in his driveway, his arms raised to the garage door. His playful smirk had solidified my attraction to him, everything that followed had slowly made me his.

“Lucas got an offer on his house,” Wally said. “He’s thinking about taking it. Unless of course there was a reason for him to stay.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just thought you might want to know,” he started for the door and then backtracked. “Before I forget, I have this for you, too.”

He handed me a picture. It was hard to tell exactly when it had been taken, but obviously, Wally had been spying on us from the stairs. Lucas was propped against my kitchen table and I was standing in front of him. Our arms were wrapped tightly around one another and his head was thrown back in laughter. I was smiling up at him. We both looked so happy.

“When did you take this?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Some time earlier in the year. I was coming down the stairs and you looked so sweet. I took it with my phone.”

“Well… thank you,” I said.

There was a pause before he said. “He’s over there right now, you know.”

“His car isn’t home.”

“It’s in the garage. I just talked to him. I promise. He’s there.” Should I take this moment? Was it the last one I’d get? “Go, Marlowe,” he said. “Stop overthinking everything and just go.”

I took a second to look at the picture again, soaking in the happiness we’d felt. Wally walked off as I studied it.
Stop over thinking everything and just go
, he’d said.

Taking a breath, I tossed it aside and made my way down the stairs. With determination, I walked across the street and to his door. My hand was raised, ready to knock, but I was hesitating, still unsure of what to say.

In my indecision, I heard his garage door go up. A moment later, his car engine started. I turned and watched it slowly back out of the drive. Lucas was looking over his shoulder, not seeing me.

His car was halfway in the road when I took a step towards it. My movement brought his eyes to me. After a few seconds, he put it in drive and pulled back in. He turned off the car and opened his door. Still watching me, he propped against the Buick. Our silence was deafening as I tried to find the words I needed.

“Don’t go,” finally came out of my mouth.

He looked at the ground, shuffling his feet before looking back to me. “Why?” he asked.

Why? There were a million reasons why, but right now, they were all stuck in my throat. “Lucas, I…”
I love you. I’m yours and I can’t let you leave.

My eyes watered and tears started flowing down my cheeks. I couldn’t let him go, but I was too weak to open myself up to him. This is what I was, a broken, neurotic, fumbling mess. For the barest of moments, and the longest of lifetimes, he made me feel like so much more. Crying, clutching my fist on his sidewalk, I realized how much I truly needed him. He made me better. He made me
want
to be better.

I raised my eyes to his, letting him see me at my most exposed. His eyes were red, his face wound tight, holding on to his own emotions. “Please, Lucas,” I said. He watched me, but didn’t move and didn’t say anything.

He wasn’t
going
to say anything. Florida. He wanted Florida. I was too late. A heartbreaking, strangled sob came out of my mouth and I walked by him to return home, hiding my face from him.

When I reached his side, his hand shot out and grabbed my arm, stopping me. I couldn’t look at him and tried to pull away, but then he said, “I want you, Marzy. All of you. Every part.” I took in a hopeful breath, and raised my eyes to his. “I’ve wanted you from the very beginning,” he continued. “But I was too
stupid
to ever say anything. You think I’m moving to Florida to find what I love? Well, that’s fucking impossible, because what I love is right here. You,” he said. “I. Love.
You
. Marlowe.” With a furrowed brow, he rose from his car and let me go. I took a step back as fresh tears ran down my cheeks. Lucas loved me.

Lucas. Loved. Me.

“You came into my life and started a fire that burned so hot and fast, I was ash, crumbling before I even knew what was happening. But you didn’t even notice! I’ve tried fighting it. I’ve tried letting it go, but I can’t. So I’m moving because I can’t think of what else to do. I can’t keep living with this ache. This pain of knowing that the woman I’m in love with is sleeping across the street and not in my arms!”

His hands jerked with emotion, and he took a deep breath, running them down his face. “If you would have just said the word,” he continued more calmly, “that would have been it. I would have given you everything. I know now that I should have just told you. I shouldn’t have waited on you. I should have sucked it up and put it out there, and then none of this mess would have happened. You are it for me,” he said, his voice choking. “Do you understand?
It
. I fucking worship you. I know that I messed up and I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I want more than you.”

He stopped talking and stared at me, his breaths coming out in quick bursts. I wasn’t breathing at all. “Please, say something, Marzy,” he said.

His eyes were glassy, unshed tears threatening to fall. My wall crumbled, falling around my heart with a loud reverberating thud.

The dust cleared and with everything I had in me, I said, “I love you, too. I love you so much.” His face contorted as if in pain and he grabbed me around the waist, putting his forehead to mine. My hands went to his shirt clutching as I continued. “I’ve known for so long but didn’t want to tell you, because I was so scared. But I don’t want you leave. I don’t want you to go.” Fully crying, I took a breath. “Don’t leave me,” I begged. “Stay. I forgive you. I forgive everything. I want all of you too, Lucas. I’m better with you.”

Whatever else I was going to say was forgotten as he kissed me hard, pushing his lips to mine with force. I could feel the agony in his mouth, and then the joy as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him with just as much intensity. His hands came to my back and he pulled me as close to his body as he could. My fingers tangled in his messy hair, and I opened my mouth. Immediately, he pulled my legs up around his waist and walked towards his garage. Blindly, he moved until he reached the door. As we came into the house, I pulled back and cradled his face. “So you aren’t leaving?” I asked.

“Never,” he said.

My mouth came back to his, and we kissed with all the pent up love we felt. Our hands held each other with reverence, his steps slowing as we approached his bedroom. Gently, he laid my back onto the mattress, settling on top of me. “You’ll need your key back,” he said, moving to kiss me along the neck.

I closed my eyes and hugged his shoulders, bringing my lips to them. “I’ve been such a wreck,” I said, with fresh tears. “I should have come to you weeks ago. I’m so sorry.”

He pulled back and softly wiped my tears away. “Baby,
I
should have come to you.” His eyes bore into mine for a moment. “If we’re going to do this,” he said, looking vulnerable. “I need to know that it won’t be like it was before. I want
all
of you. I want to be able to walk down the street with you on my arm, not worrying about who will see us. I want you to be able to say
Hell no
the next time someone asks if you’re single.”

I smiled and traced his barely visible crow’s feet with the tip of my finger. Nicole and Lacey were crazy. He
was
perfect. For me. Just me.

“Are you mine?” he asked, and I nodded. “I want to hear you say it,” he grinned.

“I’m yours, Lucas Burns. Just yours.” Nobody would ever own my heart as he did. He was it for me, too.

His face went to my neck and he gave a pleased groan. In a swift motion, he rolled me on top of him. “You have no idea how happy that makes me,” he said with sincerity.

I sat up and started drawing circles on his chest. “Are you
mine
?” I asked, feeling vulnerable, too.

He grabbed my fingers and brought them to his mouth, giving them sweet kisses. When he was finished, he placed our hands over his heart. “I’ve never been
anyone’s
, Marzy. But I was yours the moment I saw you step out of that Jeep. I just didn’t know it yet.” My heart swelled, and I leaned over him, loving the feeling of his hand cradling my face. “I was waiting for
you
,” he said. “And I’ll never be anyone else’s.”

I believed him.