Starfall: A Starstruck Novel (25 page)

In Weight Training, I spend the whole time doing circuits on the machines—stuff I don’t need a spotter for. I need to come up with a good excuse before Sean mentions coming to his house again. Even if his folks really do just want to thank me for playing hero, I don’t want to go. Because I absolutely don’t feel like any kind of hero right now.

I’m half tempted to ditch last period. The last thing I need is alone time with M, if only because I
want
it so bad. But I didn’t plan ahead, so I go anyway—and Ms. Raymond comes to my rescue.

“Our first issue goes live Wednesday morning,” she announces right at the start, “so today and tomorrow will be a little crazy. Fair warning to those of you who are new on staff this year. Here’s a list of everyone’s assigned tasks. It’s going to take complete focus by each of you if you don’t want to stay late either or both days.”

She tacks the list up on the bulletin board and I’m relieved to see I’m doing formatting while M will be proofing—from a printout, so not at the computer.

Angela is obviously in her element. She immediately takes charge, barking orders like a general. She sends the proofers to the table in the middle of the room, me to the desktop computer and the photo and layout people to the long table along the wall.
 

“And get it right the first time,” she cautions. “I remember once or twice last year we were here till ten o’clock the night before deadline because somebody was careless. The good part is, once this issue goes live we can relax for a day or two. So you’ll have time later this week to catch up on anything you have to let slide while we’re scrambling to meet deadline.”
 

I get right to work since missing football practice isn’t an option, grateful for both the distraction and the reprieve from dangerous one-on-one time with M. By tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll have mostly forgotten that dream and be able to act like a normal person around her.

*
   
*
   
*

Even though I don’t
remember
dreaming about M again when I wake up Tuesday morning, I need another cold shower. At least I’m not haunted by details…except the ones from yesterday’s dream. And my own imagination.

At school, I’m every bit as obsessed with M as before, no matter how I try to talk myself out of it. Last night I put my Six Reasons in writing, but it doesn’t seem to have done a lot of good. Just like yesterday, I’m hyper-aware of her every time she’s within sight or earshot—which is a lot.
 

Twice in Lit I fight the urge to reach across the aisle and touch her arm on the pretext of asking a question about theme. The second time, I convince myself I really
need
to ask her, but realize just in time it’s safer to ask the teacher or even Trina. After which I realize the answer is in the book.

At lunch I sit with my back to her again, but that doesn’t keep me from picking her voice out of the babble, even from thirty feet away. I keep losing the thread of the football discussion at my table, I’m so focused on what M is saying at hers.

“Are you serious?” she’s asking Molly. “Trina actually
told
Penny she’s not pretty enough to be a cheerleader? To her face?”

“Yeah. I could tell Penny didn’t really want to try out, but apparently she promised her mom, who was a cheerleader here back in the day. It probably took her forever just to work up the nerve to talk to Trina about it.”

“I’ll bet. And now she’s sitting all by herself over there. See you in a bit.”
 

I can’t help it, I turn my head slightly so I can watch M out of the corner of my eye. She’s going to talk to a little stringy-haired girl with bad acne sitting alone near the wall. Nodding absently at whatever Jaworski is saying about last Friday’s game between Elwood and Frankton, I listen harder.

“Hey, Penny! I’m Marsha Truitt, but you can call me M. Do you mind if I sit here?”

I can’t hear what the other girl says, but M might as well be right next to me. “I wanted to tell you how brave I think you are, trying out for cheerleading as a freshman! I never, ever would have had the guts to do that.”

Again something inaudible from Penny. Then, “No, it wasn’t stupid at all! But cheerleading is like Trina’s own little queendom and you’ve probably figured out by now she’s not somebody you want to spend a lot of time around. Trust me, she’s said way worse to lots of people. You were just her most recent victim. Everyone knows how mean she is, even her so-called friends. Anyway, there are lots of other extracurriculars here at Jewel, most of them
way
more fun than cheerleading.”

She goes on to list some clubs and activities and even invites the girl to check out her taekwondo school. She sits with Penny the whole rest of lunch, makes a point of introducing her to a few other kids nearby, then says she’s welcome to sit at M’s table tomorrow if she wants.
 

Watching M ahead of me in the hall on our way to Government, I’m conscious of a new respect that has nothing to do with her being Sovereign. She totally had nothing to gain by being nice to that
Duchas
, but she did it anyway. Because she knows what it’s like to be an outcast? Hard to believe, though that’s what she told Molly.

It’s bad enough I’m already more attracted to M than I’ve ever been or can ever imagine being to any girl. That she’s beautiful and smart and sexy and we have this weird touch thing between us. Now I find out she’s genuinely nice, too.
 

I’m doomed.

By Lit class Wednesday, I can’t fight it anymore.

“Hey, M?” I whisper ten minutes into class. “Do you have an extra sheet of paper?”

She looks surprised—she has to have noticed I’ve been avoiding her—but also pleased. “Sure.” A second later she hands me a couple sheets of paper and I don’t even try to avoid brushing her fingers when I take it.
 

That tiny touch feels so good I shudder—inside, anyway. “Thanks.”

Her lips quirk up, making her even cuter. “No problem.” I know she’s talking about the touch as well as the paper—and that she noticed the little shudder I tried to hide. “Really.”

The look she gives me with that “really” reminds me she claimed to get the same jolt—the same boost—from touching me that I get from her. Which means I’m being selfish if I
don’t
let her touch me, now that I think about it.
 

Sounds good in my head, anyway.

That afternoon, Sean specifically asks if I’ll spot him on the bench press. I’d rather not, but don’t have an excuse not to. Sure enough, he wants to talk.

“Hey, wish I’d known you were going to say something to M about your, uh, memory thing happening on purpose.”

Oops. “Sorry, man. It kind of…slipped out. Was she pissed?”

“Mainly that I didn’t tell
her
I told you. Took her off guard when you mentioned it, I guess.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t keep track of who’s keeping what secrets from who anymore. There’s so much stuff my folks aren’t telling me, and you—” I break off, but he obviously knows what I was about to say.

“Never said my dad was one of the people involved in what happened to you. M said she told you. No wonder you’ve been, y’know…”

I lift a shoulder and start putting weights on the bar for him. “Not so keen to come to your house? Or talk about it?”

He nods unhappily. “I don’t blame you. In your place, I’d want to avoid my dad, too. He was way out of line. But…he gets that now. Really.”
 

Yeah, M claimed the same thing. Still doesn’t mean I want to spend time with Sean’s dad anytime soon.

A couple of guys come over to take turns with us on the bench so we switch to safer topics for the rest of class. But that doesn’t stop me thinking.
 

What could have happened on Mars that has to be kept so secret? Since finding out Mr. O’Gara wanted my memory erased, I’ve been tempted to mention it to my parents. I have to wonder if maybe they already know. Since they think the guy’s such a hero, that could explain why they don’t want me to get my memory back.
 

Which I absolutely need to do. All these secrets are starting to feel like land mines that could destroy more than me if I stumble across one because I don’t know any better.

The atmosphere in Publications is totally different today. Instead of the frantic chaos of yesterday afternoon, everyone’s relaxed and relieved. Especially Ms. Raymond.

“I’m really proud of how you all pulled together these past few days,” she tells us once we’re all there. “I’m not saying this issue couldn’t be better, but it’s not bad. Next week we’ll put together our quarterly parent newsletter and start talking about yearbook layout, but today and tomorrow you can take it easy. If anyone needs a pass for the media center, let me know.

Five of the staff of eight immediately start asking for passes. Ms. Raymond leaves, too, saying something about a call. Angela stays in the room but retreats to a corner with her laptop, ear buds in, to work on some class project or other. Leaving M and me effectively alone.

At first I open my Government book, thinking I should attempt an outline for the project Sean and I are doing. But with M just a few feet away—also with a book open—I can’t concentrate. Plus it’s a perfect chance to get a few more questions answered.

“So, um, any more news about that guy who went after you Friday night?” I keep my voice low enough that Angela wouldn’t be able to hear even without her ear buds.

M glances up from her book so quickly I doubt she was really reading it. “Not yet. I think they’re planning to do the, ah, procedure this weekend. Apparently the equipment they have in Montana isn’t as sophisticated as what they have on…” She tilts her head skyward. “So it needs some modification.”

I want to ask how that works, how they can pull memories out of somebody’s head and actually
see
them. Instead, I shock myself by blurting out the question that’s been driving me nuts.

“What exactly
is
the deal with you and Sean? Can you tell me?”
 

Now that they’re out, those words I never intended to utter hang in the air between us. I hold my breath, since her answer could whittle my Six Reasons down to four. Or etch all six in stone.

Though she’s clearly startled, she doesn’t hesitate. “We’re friends. And that’s all we’ll ever be, no matter what Nuathan tradition says. Everyone there is coming here over the next few decades anyway, so lots of traditions are going to have to change. That’s definitely one of them.”

I try to control the exultation expanding in my chest, afraid to hope
that
much. Because I still have Reasons One, Four, Five and Six to consider. And Three?
 

“I’m not sure Sean feels the same way you do about the ‘friend’ thing.” Might as well get that out in the open, too.
 

She frowns. “That’s on him. Because I’ve been completely upfront with him about my feelings from the very start.”

“But…didn’t you two date most of last year? After he got here, I mean?”

“Only for show. Because the Council insisted it was so important, I agreed to go along with it so they’d…um, for political reasons. But even they knew it wasn’t real. So did Sean.”

It wasn’t just for show as far as Sean was concerned, though. I’ve seen how he looks at M, how he talks about her. But if it’s really true she’s been upfront with him all along…?

“The, uh, guys said—”

“I know. Everyone at school
thinks
we were a couple. That was the point. We even convinced Bri and Deb. But Sean knows better. So does Molly. If you don’t want to ask him, ask her.”
 

Her incredible eyes are pleading with me, willing me to believe. And I want to. So much.
Too
much.
 

“Why weren’t you willing to go with him for real? I mean, he’s a great guy and all, and—”
 

“Haven’t you figured that out yet, Rigel?” Her perfect mouth twists into a wistful half-smile. “Because of you.”

 
I swallow, hard. It’s what I was hoping, dying to hear, but I can’t seem to make myself
believe
it. Because I don’t
remember
it. Except in that dream…

“You said the arboretum was a…a special place of ours. Did we ever go there in the winter?”

“We did! It was winter the very last time we were there before leaving for Ireland. Did you have one of your flashes about it?”

“Not a flash, exactly. A dream.”
 

“Really?” She leans toward me eagerly. “What did you dream? Was I in it?”

“I, uh, don’t remember exactly.” Even if it
was
a real memory, no way can I bring myself to tell her the details. “Just that it was the same place but with snow.”

She raises an eyebrow like she can tell I’m fudging. “Still, it’s great that you remember even that much. And on Saturday you did say the arboretum seemed familiar. Have you had that feeling about any other place? Or person?”

I shake my head. “Not yet. Not even my room at home. Well, except… You didn’t happen to give me a crystal hanging thing for my birthday last year, did you?”

“Rigel!” Her green eyes sparkle with excitement. “I did! You
are
starting to remember!”

“Not really. I just thought, since I hung it right over my bed, that maybe it was, I dunno, important to me.”

Though she looks slightly disappointed, she’s still smiling. “I think maybe it was. Then, anyway.” She stares at me thoughtfully for several seconds. “You know, there
is
one other place that was just as special to us as the arboretum, maybe even more so.”

“Yeah?” If visiting the arboretum jogged loose real memories in the form of dreams, would another “special” place unlock more? “Where? Can you show me? Or at least tell me?”

“It’s not far—from the school, I mean. But…” She bites her lip, then glances up at the clock on the wall. The period is more than half over. “I don’t think there’s time now, unless you can skip football practice?”