Starblood (The Starblood Trilogy) (17 page)

As Freya walks she passes people heading towards and away from their homes. Groups of women dressed in sparkling outfits giggle together. A lone runner sprints past her. The air rushes with him, rustling her clothes and moving her hair. A giant dog takes its mistress for a walk. The woman’s arm is stretched so far it looks as though it might pop out from her shoulder socket at any moment.

Freya turns a corner and sees curls of smoke snaking from a privet hedge. A voice in the back of her head warns her to cross the road. A man could be waiting there. He could be waiting for her. She crushes the voice. Breathing in, she stretches herself higher.
What if he is good looking? How will it feel to walk past him, through his cloud of cigarette smoke? Let it envelop me. I want to feel his eyes upon me.
She walks slower. Each step is thrilling. Every time her thighs stroke against each other she feels as though her groin is on fire.
I want him to grab me. No, I want him to follow. Let this feeling of anticipation last a little longer.

She smiles and stops, just before the start of the bush, and lets images fill her head.
I want to do what Raven did to my brother in the park. I want to drop to my knees in front of this man. I want to hear his gasp of surprise as I open the zip to his jeans. I want to feel his penis expand as I touch it; pull it through the open fly. I will look up at his beautiful face and see a look of adoration in his eyes. Then I will wrap my lips around him, taste him and let him fill my mouth. I want to hear him pant. I want to know what semen tastes like, his semen. When it is finished I will stand up and walk away. I’ll leave him hanging from his trousers, let him wave farewell.

She feels paralysed by desire.
Not again!
She chastises herself.
Don’t be passive. Do this, make this yours, your act, your desire – not his
. Feet heavy as tombstones, she takes the next step forward. Leaves rustle and tiny, brittle branches break. He’s moving. A head extends out from the corner of the hedge. It reminds Freya of a turtle poking out from his shell. He has long hair. He turns towards her. Freya bites her lip. It’s a woman.
A fucking woman!
Freya’s feet lose their weight and she rushes away.
I need a drink.
Please, let Raven be home
.

Chapter 26

Star sits upright on the bed. She looks around her at the room. It is almost empty, just like Steve’s, but homelier, prettier. The cream silk sheets, lying creased beneath her, are as soft as Lilith’s skin, and the deep red walls lend it the feeling of passionate security. Lilith stands naked at the end of the bed. Between her own legs Star feels the sticky fluids of their coupling.

‘Are you all right, Lilith?’ she asks.

Lilith smiles. ‘Just perfect.’

‘I thought…’ Star says, hesitant to admit the insanity of what she had thought.

‘Tell me.’ Lilith’s face is open and loving.

Instead of answering Star kneels before her. She touches Lilith’s face, stroking her cheek, marvelling at her exquisite beauty. She licks her lips and leans forward, kissing her lover’s mouth, gently at first then more passionately.

Lilith responds, putting her hand against the small of Star’s back and drawing her body closer. Their breasts rub against each other, the movement hardens their nipples. Skin tingles and warms under each other’s tender touches. Their love-making is gentle. They explore, sharing rather than possessing each other’s bodies.

‘Will I see you again?’ Star asks, when the kiss breaks for a moment.

Lilith kisses her.

‘My darling, you never have to leave here,’ she replies.

Star blushes and settles back onto the bed. Lilith lies next to her, stroking her hair. She licks the tears from Star’s face.

‘What is it?’ Lilith asks.

‘I have to go,’ says Star.
There is work and my friends and I hardly know you. I want to be me, just for a while, not an extension of someone else’s desire.
‘I want to come back … If I ask you something and you think I’m crazy will you still want me?’

Lilith laughs. ‘There are many crazy things in this world and the next, but you, my beautiful child, are not one of them.’

‘I could change your mind.’

Lilith shakes her head. ‘Never.’

‘Did you feel strange earlier?’ she asks tentatively.

‘I don’t understand,’ Lilith replies. Her eyes are wide as if trying to read the truth behind Star’s question.

‘I used to date a guy, Steve. He was…different. He could do things, make things happen which defied logic. Earlier, when you woke me and made love to me like…that. Had he…how on earth do I ask this? Was he inside you? I thought for a minute…’

‘I thought I was imagining it,’ Lilith answers, her body relaxing as if a tension had been suddenly released. ‘I felt…strange. Like I could see what I was doing but wasn’t controlling it. I thought it was just the passion, you know? Then I was inside you. Really…inside. It was amazing. I thought it was a dream.’

‘Bastard,’ Star growls. ‘I’m so sorry Lilith. It will never happen again.’

‘Well it’s just us here now,’ Lilith assures her. ‘Will you speak to him?’

‘I’m not sure. It might make things worse. Oh fuck, what should I do?’

‘Ignore him. Act like he isn’t even there.’

‘Yes, yes, I think you’re right,’ Star says. She embraces Lilith, nuzzling her face in the woman’s scented hair. ‘When can I see you again?’

‘Whenever you want to,’ Lilith answers.

‘I have so much to do. I’d rather spend today here. I want to fall asleep in your arms.’
I want to lose myself, my fears and pain in you, for a few more hours at least.

Lilith kisses her shoulder. ‘Then stay, work tomorrow.’

Star falls asleep quickly. In her dream she sees Steve shouting at her from beyond a gossamer veil. She cannot hear his words, but his eyes are wide with fear. A stream of light rushes from his body into hers. It burns and she tries to cover herself to stop it penetrating her skin. It keeps coming. Her body swells and aches. When she screams at him to stop he shakes his head. His face looks confused, not defiant, as though the light is not of his making.
What is he doing? Why won’t he stop?
As suddenly as it started, the light stops and Steve falls to the floor. Star’s hands feel hot and wet. She raises them to her face ands sees her fingers covered with blood. A scream rattles in her lungs, bursting to be free. Opening her mouth wide, she tries to release it but a serpent wraps itself around her chest, crushing the sound with its coils.

She wakes up. Lilith is still beside her, with one arm draped over Star’s stomach, her face nestled against her back. The room is dark. Checking her watch she sees it’s seven o’clock.

‘I have to go,’ she says. ‘Will you be here at four tomorrow?’

‘Yes,’ Lilith says. ‘Let me walk you home. I don’t think this is the safest place.’

‘Okay,’ Star replies, glad of the company.

They hold hands as they walk along Vermelho Road. If anyone notices the affection it is not mocked. No one bothers them even as they walk through the shadows beneath the bridge. It is only as they join the street beyond, that Star feels people staring at them, judging them.

‘Fucking lesbos,’ a man shouts from the window of a passing car.

Star feels Lilith’s grip stiffen at the words.

‘They’re not worth it,’ she whispers into Lilith’s ear.

‘Maybe we should give them something to shout about,’ Lilith suggests, pulling Star’s chin up towards her face and kissing her.

Star pulls away. She doesn’t feel safe. Such a kiss is forbidden in this public world of conformity. Unconventional desires, acceptable in the underbelly of Vermelho Road or the safe haven of the Goth club are not welcome here.

‘Not here,’ she whispers. Her cheeks redden, and she feels ashamed to care so deeply about the opinion of strangers.

Lilith smiles. ‘Okay,’ she mouths.

Star can feel her disappointment.

They walk together in silence to the bus stop. Their hands no longer grasp each other. They rely instead on the accidental brushing of fingers against fingers as they walk.

Waving goodbye to her lover at the bus stop, Star realises it will be twenty hours until they will see each other again, Star’s body is tender from their love-making but still the desire within her is like a flame eating away all other thoughts. She is not hungry even though she has not eaten for more than a day, nor is she thirsty. Her head feels light and she finds it hard to focus. She is a ball of lust rolling away from its only source of satisfaction, travelling towards a hollow life.

Allowing the shops and restaurants to drift by her before they transform into multi-coloured, urban blocks of flats and blackened town houses, Star switches on her mobile phone. A dozen beeps follow each other—text messages. There are missed calls too—from Steve and Donna. She checks the messages.

One from Donna: ‘Steve lookin 4 u told him to f off xxx.’ Lots were sent by Raven, all asking how things went with Lilith. Star calls Donna.

‘Hi Star,’ Donna says brightly. ‘How are you? I thought you’d disappeared.’

‘Sorry to leave you alone last night,’ Star says. ‘I just needed…’

‘Haha, I know exactly what you needed. Who would have thought it though? I always thought you were the prim and proper one.’ There is an edge to Donna’s voice that Star cannot identify.
Is it jealousy?

Star blushes, looking around at the other passengers.

‘So, spill the beans lover. How did it go?’

‘Not now Donna, I’m on the bus,’ she says, laughing.

‘Then when you get back…I want a stroke by stroke account.’

‘All right, soon.’

‘Love you.’

‘Love you too,’ Star whispers back.

Star doesn’t want to face those questions yet. She can feel her friends’ curiosity gouging into her before she even unlocks the front door. All she wants to do is sleep. Her eyes burn, and her body feels heavy. The stairs loom above her. Gripping the handrail, she mounts them one by one. The wooden treads transform into her lover’s spine and she bends to kiss the small of Lilith’s back.

‘What the fuck? Are you okay?’ Raven calls from the top of the staircase.

Star looks up and the stairs swim back into view.

‘You look terrible, Star,’ Raven says as she descends towards her.

Donna pokes her head around the corner and frowns at her friend’s prostrate body.

‘Did you fall?’ Donna asks.

Star shakes her head and takes Raven’s offered hand. ‘I’m just exhausted,’ she says.

‘A drink then bed,’ Raven tells her. ‘You can tell us in the morning.’

Donna pouts and she withdraws her head from view. Star grips Raven’s hand and lets her friend drag her towards their apartment.

When Star wakes at five the next morning the others are still asleep. She makes her breakfast in silence, glad to avoid their questions for a few more hours.
How can she describe her time with Lilith?
To try to form the words to make them understand would be to stick pins through a live butterfly and set it on display. Its delicate wings would be torn as she fumbled with inadequate phrases and the vibrancy of those hours would be destroyed by her clumsy hands.

She eats with the hunger of someone who might not see food again, then showers and packs a few things. Unwilling to wake her friend, she sends Donna a text. ‘I’m moving out for a while. I’ll see you soon. Love you.’

Chapter 27

After Star leaves her, Lilith feels full of rage. She prowls the city streets daring anyone to speak to her. The humiliation of the taunts and stares weighs heavily on her.
How dare they mock me? I am a god.
Sneering, she wonders whether they would still laugh with her fist and forearm tearing down their throats. It confuses her why anyone should care what she and Star do, and why Star worries about what these unknown cretins think. In love there is no shame, only completion.

Everyone around her stands alone. Displays of intimacy are absent in all but a few young heterosexual couples.
Why has that burden of shame, first felt in The Garden, not yet been lifted? Humans are meant to fuck. Their bodies are covered in nerve endings all screaming to be touched. Why do they all hide from their desires?

Lilith walks full circle and returns to the bus stop. She needs to feel, to fuck or kill. Sex and death, just two points on the same continuum.

She hears the wails of sirens and, with nothing better to do, starts walking towards their source. A car slows beside her.

‘You all right, me love?’ a voice calls from the driver’s seat.

She ignores the man and continues walking.

‘It’s a bit dark to be walking by yourself, doll,’ he croons. ‘Can I give you a lift?’

She turns to face him. Wondering whether to hurl abuse or join him. She chooses the latter and opens the passenger door.

‘Where you goin’?’ he asks her.

‘Nowhere,’ she replies.

‘You’s one of them Goffics, in’t you?’ he says as he puts the car into gear and pulls away.

She shrugs.

He drives silently for a while. They are heading out of the city. She looks at him.

‘Where are we going?’ she asks.

‘Just got some stuff to do. Then maybe you can let me know where you wanna go,’ he says, smiling. ‘Still being in the warm car gotta be better than wandering them streets.’

‘What does it matter to you anyway?’ she asks, studying his face.

He seems calm. She feels no approach of violence, only his curiosity and a desire to do the right thing, and below those a deep sadness.

She senses before he opens his mouth the image of a pale face covered in blood and bruises. His hot tears and icy anger clash together in a mist of pain. She wonders whether he can still see the road or whether it is only the suffering inside his mind, which fills his vision.

‘My daughter, she were attacked,’ he tells her.

She has no idea what might be the expected reply. Lilith sits in silence. The image of the beaten face hangs between them. She wants to express something but is unable to form the words.