Star Wars on Trial (10 page)

Even if you balk at following me that far, remember how, in The Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon spoke of a need to "restore balance to the Force." This-like so much about George Lucas's new-agey religion-stays frustratingly unexplained. But it sure implies that old Yoda had an "unbalanced" agenda. One with its own dark side.

We'll get to that matter in just a second, but first, let me reiterate the challenge. Is there any tangible reason to believe that anybody in his right mind ought to listen to that vile green demon-muppet? Always secretive, mysterious, grouchy and unhelpful. Never actually achieving anything useful (except to annihilate his own knightly order). Is this an archetype of wisdom that we should hold higher than, say, Benjamin Franklin? Than George Washington, George Marshall, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King and all the other hero-teacher-leaders of our democratic enlightenment? Or even the hapless Old Republic? So, what do we make of the "eternal struggle between two sides of the Force? Other than the fact that it sounds a bit like Manicheanism, or the Zoroastrian mythos of light vs. darkness, forever equal and tearing the cosmos apart? (One wonders, why has the fundamentalist community gone after Harry Potter, when this old heresy is rearing its head, hmm?)

Does Qui-Gon's call for "balance" make any sense? Does this story-promise ever get resolved?

Oh, I have heard lots of this-that, about the differences between the dark side of the Force and the other side. (Force Light?) Sith lords want "progress" through ferocious Darwinian winnowing, kind of like you see in Dune. The light side tends to be overprotective, insisting on an eternal, static order. It sounds very Tolkienish, and that's no coincidence ... though without Tolkien's cheerful willingness to reevaluate. In any event, notice how these supposed "opposites" have vastly more in common with each other than differences. For example, their shared, relentless devotion to elitist secrecy.

But notice, we are never offered a third choice. The choice of freedom. Of everybody knowing what's going on. A galaxy of openness and transparency, in which institutions and individuals, governments, companies and private citizens of all races get to innovate and compete fairly, thus avoiding both static sameness and the horrorslaughter of open warfare? Progress, without vicious winnowing.

Was this what Qui-Gon hoped for, in his yearning for balance? Is this what Darth/Anakin was supposedly preordained to deliver?

Well, I am going to surprise you now, and tell you what I really think.

He did!

EXCUSES FOR A DARK HENCHMAN

Look, I got entirely too much mail-after the Salon article-coming up with rationalizations and excuses to let old Darth off the hook. Here are just a few of them:

1. Darth kills the Emperor and saves more than his son. He saves the universe!

2. Vader's redemption is personal. It's about a son's forgiveness.

3. Vader isn't the leader, so it's unfair to call him "Hitler." At worst he's a Himmler.

4. Vader was mind-controlled. He was just following orders.

5. Yes, normal people can get really, really mad, and not suddenly "turn evil," reversing all their morals like a switch. But Anakin isn't normal! He's a demigod. That makes him more vulnerable than normal people.

6. Vader's actions were necessary in order to restore balance to the Force/universe/franchise ...

... and so on ...

I did not simply reject all of the ideas that people sent in. In fact, half of these points are interesting-and possibly valid at some level. (Care to guess which ones?) The others, I'm afraid, still strike me as rather lame, or even provably wrong. We'll deal with some of them later, in the testimony on "plot holes."

But the core point is that we shouldn't have to go trawling around for meaning like this! The biggest and most lavish sci-fi epic of all time should make sense by now.

Alas, you could fill intergalactic space with row after row of giant floating yellow words, and still, nothing would tie together. For example, the political rationale behind the "secessionists," or why the Republic fell apart.

Or how Darth was able to detect Leia's midichlorian-rich blood from a million miles away... but never sniffed a thing when he was interrogating her by hand, with truth serum. Likewise, he doesn't recognize his own hand-built droids, when he meets them again after so many years.

Or why he conveniently orders all the antiaircraft guns and fighters to stop shooting at Luke, so he can do it himself... and somehow keeps missing till the boy gets his shot.

Then there are all sorts of other coincidences. Like the way Vader conveniently persuades Tarkin to let Luke and Leia and the Millennium Falcon go ...

... or, the way, twenty years earlier, Obi-Wan took the newborn Luke in order to conceal him from Vader, and chose as a hiding place, from all the worlds of the galaxy... Vader's home planet and Vader's hometown.

Or a myriad other hints and clues that really ought to have added up to something. If anyone had been at the tiller, paying attention.

Want to hear something pathetic? The most pathetic thing of all?

I actually care about this stuff.

I care about it because of all those high hopes, back in the same year that my own first novel came out. I care because I passionately believe that important stories ought to make sense. Even if they are dark tragedies. Even if I disagree with the lesson that's being taught. Because we learn from things that we can decipher. Even if and when we don't like the point being made. But an illogical mish-mash teaches nothing at all.

More the fool, I care so much that this ongoing Star Wars thing sometimes distracted me from some of my own stories. On occasion I would catch myself mulling it over while driving, or sitting in the tub....

... until suddenly one day, it came to me.

A simple solution. A way that it all might have made sense.

THERE'S A SECRET PLAN, AFTER ALL

But I'm not going to tell you here.

Because my time's up. There are enough indictments on our plate, and the Defense is already on the wings, ready to weigh in, eager to tell us about the merits and glories of the Star Wars universe!

Also, there's another reason.

As a professional, I live in a world of critics and reviewers. I am used to being told what's wrong with work I've written, even novels that were tested past my special battery of fierce pre-readers, who generally catch most of the slipups before publication. (My aphorism: CITOKATE. Criticism is the only known antidote to error) I am used to others telling me where I failed, or where my creations have problems. That's fine.

But what really prickles is when some upstart tells me how I oughta have fixed a problem. What I shoulda done, instead of what I did.

I don't hanker for that.

Furthermore, I don't have any right to do it to George Lucas. Not formally at least, in print. It just isn't right.

Because, having heaped on criticism, for page after page, I really need to add this: the world would have been a much poorer place without Star Wars!

Despite my grouchy grumblings about what could have been, the fact is that George Lucas delivered a mainline feed of fantastic imagery and almost-pure joy, straight through the eyes, ears and optic nerves of about a billion people. That's a lot more than I have ever reached. It merits respect. The genuine kind, directed toward somebody who has used his talents to make a difference, and had fun doing it, too.

Besides, hey, the man hired and subsidized maybe 10% of the greatest and most groundbreaking technical artists of our age, pushing forward dozens of wondrous new visualization technologies and opening doors for other creators in this wondrously free and open civilization.

Yes, I have complaints about plot and character and deeper meaning. But, as I said at the beginning, fortunately, most people just don't care about any of that! We, here, reading (and writing) this book, are among the few who do. Moreover, if we are all lucky, then the "messages" in Star Wars will never matter anywhere near as much as the pure and simple joy.

And yes, my kids cut in at one point, crystallizing this wisdom.

"Cut him some slack, Dad. The lightsabers are cool."

All right then, I'll hold back on my little plot gimmick-the Darth Vader twist-that (in my humble opinion) might make sense of so many unfortunate coincidences ... fulfill Qui-Gon's dream ... and even give the nasty oven mitt some payback, too. There are enough clues. Readers who like to play mental games can follow where they lead, using their own marvelous imaginations.'

In the end, what matters is only this: be willing to look with a complex eye, even upon simple legends.

You are many. A child, a teen, a grown-up. Individualist and citizen. A worker and a player. Feel free to enjoy any entertainment in the spirit that it's offered ... while another part keeps asking "what bill of goods am I being sold between the frames?"

It is a new millennium. There are choices. So be many. Keep looking forward, courageously, into a world of change.

And demand a universe that makes some sense.

THE COURTROOM

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: I object!

DROID JUDGE: What is the problem, Mr. Stover?

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: That was a lot more than opening comments. For one thing, it was more than 10,000 words. And for another, he essentially offered testimony on the first charge: the politics of Star Wars are anti-democratic and elitist.

DROID JUDGE: Well, that is a fair point. Mr. Brin?

DAVID BRIN: I'm happy to have my comments considered as expert witness testimony on this charge. I believe I've clearly established the anti-democratic and elitist nature of the Star Wars saga. I won't need any additional witnesses on this charge.

DROID JUDGE: Fine, we'll consider Mr. Brin's opening statement as also serving as expert testimony on the first charge.

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Excuse me? That was expert testimony? Now, hold on-

DAVID BRIN: Your Honor, I am a recognized expert on the politics of Star Wars. I refer you to my infamous Salon.com article published June 15, 1999-

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Recognized by who, the Imperial Sith Show-Trial Fake Certification Committee? Five Kowackian monkey-lizards on a six-day spice-binge? Hey, this reminds me of a joke-a kid, a Jedi and two droids walk into a bar in Mos Eisley-

DROID JUDGE: (severely) Mr. Stover, you are out of order. Mr. Brin's expert credentials have been accepted by this Court. Do you have a formal objection to offer?

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Hmp. Well ... if he's the only witness he can find on this charge, it'd be more appropriate to offer sympathy.

(Reaction in the courtroom)

DROID JUDGE: Order! There will be order! Mr. Stover, behave yourself!

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Can I at least cross-examine? A question or two, Your Honor.

DROID JUDGE: You may proceed.

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: (checking his notes) Mr. Brin, in what verse of The Iliad does Achilles slay thousands with a wave of his hand? When I read it, I seem to recall that he actually only fights Trojan heroes (who are hardly disposable extras)-and that each of the Trojans slain by the Greek heroes (and vice versa) is provided by Homer with a capsule biography, specifically referring to details such as his childhood, his homeland and the family that will weep for him-

DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, the subject at hand is the politics of Star Wars.

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, Your Honor. Sorry-it's just that all his drivel about flattering the Power Structure doesn't make sense, when Agamemnon comes off as an indecisive blowhard and Menelaos as a cuckolded weakling, Odysseus reads as a conniving bully, and Achilles is a pouting ambiguously gay whiner who lets his "special friend" get killed borrowing his favorite outfit-

DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, you will confine yourself to-

MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again. Very soon.

DROIDJUDGE: Do you actually have any questions specifically relating to the politics of Star Wars?