Star Fish (12 page)

– Nineteen –

Pisces:
An eventful day. Love is in the air. All you need to do is stop floating in the dark shallows of gloom. Swim fast to the surface in case you miss this chance.

Real Declans, false Declans – they could all jump off the edge of the planet for all I cared. From now on, that was it. I was going to ring Christopher and stop this dating lark. I would live a life of single contentment with Pen, the fro gs and my friends. I would have to satisfy myself in the bedroom department, and if I got the urge to breed, Brad would just have to shut his eyes whilst administering the contents of the turkey baster!

At least today was the day of the ‘Big Top’ event, so my new life as a celibate career girl could commence in grand style.

I had provided everyone with a staff uniform of black trousers and a crisp white shirt with the Jenkins logo on it. Liv was assisting me in registering delegates.

‘Liv!’ I exclaimed as she teetered into the registration tent. ‘What the hell do you think you’re wearing?’

‘Darling, darling, calm down, you know I don’t do trousers at work, especially when there’s a male delegate list one thousand strong.’

‘You’d have covered more with a handkerchief,’ I laughed.

Liv always got away with everything. Shortly afterwards delegates started arriving.

‘Your badge, sir, tea and coffee being served in the red marquee, seminar to commence at ten.’ Liv oozed, time and time again.

Live Events, the agency working on project had done a very good job. Their Director, Deirdre, was an amazing character. She smoked forty fags an hour and swore like a trooper at her team. She had bleached blonde permed hair and wore 1980s power suits even though we were in a field. She would turn round and eff and blind at one of her team, then I would appear and her client voice would be engaged.

‘Anything you need, Amy darling, anything – just ask.’

The event team had walkie-talkies to make sure everything was running smoothly.

‘Liv to Minger, come in please!’ I smiled and then cringed, realising that everyone was listening to this and I knew Liv would not hold back. ‘Minger, please can you make an announcement and ask if Mike Hunt has come yet?’

At this stage I broke down in hysterics, as did the rest of the team.

‘Amy to Olivia, if Mike Hunt had come then I would not be talking to you. I would be dancing on the Big Top stage. Over and out.’

Luckily Mr Parkinson did not have a walkie-talkie or I think a P45, rather than flowers, would have been on the menu for my next birthday.

The day ran smoothly. Clowns were running round handing out drinks at break times, and stilt walkers were chasing ‘suits’ across the grass. Mr Parkinson was grinning from ear to ear, aided by the constant flirting of Deirdre who was already touting for more business.

The last seminar session had commenced and Liv was obviously getting bored. ‘Liv to Minger, do you read? Over and out!’ She was loving this.

‘Event Organiser Extraordinaire reading loud and clear. What’s up, Registration Girl? I chuckled to myself, as I knew this would really wind her up.

‘There is a gentleman at the registration desk to see you.’ She then whispered ‘Call me on my mobile pronto.’ I quickly called her.

‘Is it Mike Hunt?’ I chortled out loud.

Liv whispered again. ‘Ames, he’s bloody gorgeous.’

‘Well, who is it? What’s his name?’

‘He just said it was really important he saw you and that you would know who he was.’

‘How very strange. I’m on my way.’ I quickly darted into the Portaloos that Deirdre had provided to check on the state of my face. Unfortunately, because it was peak season I think the loos had been driven here directly from Glastonbury. The smell made me gag and the mirror was cracked. Hopefully, Mr P had not had to take a pee yet!

I sauntered over to the registration area and could see Liv flirting wildly with the dark-haired stranger. My heart skipped a beat and I began to feel a surge of anger go through me as I realised exactly who it was.

– Twenty –

Pisces:
The stars are out in the garden today. Take time to plan some time out.

The sun was out over Layston Gardens. Katie had gone shopping. Brad and I were having a lovely lazy Sunday afternoon with a couple of bottles of wine.

‘Ms Anderson, astrologically I would like a summary of your dating extravaganza, please. I’m finding it hard to believe that you have been given countless men on a plate,’ he stopped mid sentence and raised his eyebrow. ‘Ooh, Prinny, just imagine.’

‘Brad, I really do think you need castrating sometimes.’

‘I’m also finding it hard to believe that not one of them is rising in Uranus!’

‘God, you’re disgusting.’ I tried hard to keep my stern face on this one but then burst out laughing. Then, in true Eurovision style I began to recount my past male encounters.

‘Steve Edwards, Aries, 5 pwoints. First date, so nothing to compare with. Friendly but no spark, too boisterous for my liking.’

‘Mrs Amy Edwards.... makes you sound like a farmer’s wife,’ Brad inputted.

‘Neil Foster, Taurus. One pwoint. Boring, dull. Incestuous relationship with mother.’

‘No further comment required,’ Brad piped up, taking a massive slurp of wine.

‘Kieran Docherty.’ I paused. ‘Oh my God, I don’t even know what star sign he is! I’ve always thought he was a Gemini ’cos that is what the real Declan is. I’m mortified. When is Sean’s birthday?’

‘Prinny, the last thing on my mind was Sean’s birthday, I can tell you.’

‘I have to know – what if he’s a Scorpio?’

‘He will still be a lying, cheating bastard, that’s what he’ll be. Now please continue. You are actually interesting me for once this afternoon.’

After more peals of laughter I continued with Kieran’s profile.

‘Kieran Docherty, sign unknown, eight pwoints. Complete sex god. Can’t believe effect he had on my loins. However, lying, cheating bastard!’

‘Prinny, how can you possibly give him eight points? He treated you like poo. On the other hand, I have actually shagged him in essence as his brother looks the same, so let’s give him a ten!’

I laughed. ‘I feel like a right slapper, reeling them off like this.’

‘Keep feeling it baby!’ Brad chuckled. After I’d hit him playfully round the face I continued.

‘Carl Peters, Piscean oh yes! Six pwoints – sexy, loving, romantic. No sex before marriage, however. In love with God. Although, Sam did recently enlighten me that it would be against Carl’s religion to believe in Astrology. How funny that he had obviously fallen off the path to righteousness way before meeting me anyway.

Brad ignoring my revelation carried on, ‘Amy Peters, wasn’t she a shot putter from years ago?’ This boy had an amazing ability to reduce me to tears of laughter.

‘I think you must be thinking of Mary Peters. She did the pentathlon! Mind you, goodness knows how you remember her. That was ions ago!’ I then went off on a tangent, feeling guilty and shallow about the lovely Carl. ‘Oh bless Carl, he was gorgeous. I am an unreasonable cow sometimes.’

‘Prinny, my philosophy is if they are not banging your front door down to see you again, then let them go, and sweetie face it, Carl won’t be banging anything up or down for quite some time!’

Penelope sauntered out of the back door. He gazed coldly at the pair of us laughing, brushed against Brad, leaving hair on his black trousers, lifted his tail, shook it slightly and then skulked away. Brad started to choke and fan the air.

‘That cat is a demon, he has always hated me. He is jealous that I love his mummy.’ ‘Brad, please leave my pussy alone.’

‘Touch your pussy? I’d rather clean out the pond!’

We both then squealed again with laughter.

‘Now, Miss Anderson, pretty Piscean, please recommence your list of slapperness.’

I took a slurp of wine and continued. ‘Laurence Smith-Bourchier, Libra, 4 pwoints. Nice car, nice restaurant, fat wallet; however, ugly, offputtingly randy and bossy, plus has the sex appeal of a dead dog.’

‘Prinny, anyone who dines in the same establishment as Posh ‘n’ Becks should have been seen again, but hey, it’s your call.’ He threw his hand back in a camp fashion and took yet another large glug of wine.

‘And finally, the real Declan O’Shea, Gemini. Would have been seven pwoints if I hadn’t found out in time that he also was a lying, cheating bastard.’

‘You really liked him, didn’t you, Prin?’ Brad was serious for a moment.

‘Yes, Brad, I did. And do you know what – I am actually sick and tired of this entire dating lark now. It’s time to change the scenery for a while. Fancy a holiday with your ol’ mucker Amy A?’

‘Is the Pope Catholic?’

And with a chink of glasses the holiday talks commenced.

– Twenty One –

Pisces:
Take off your rose – coloured glasses today or your fishy intuition may fail you.

‘Amy, please give me a chance to explain.’

‘How did you know I was here?’ I demanded looking around to check nobody from work was near her.

Dark-haired stranger held up a beautiful bunch of yellow roses. ‘I wanted to deliver them personally to you in the office but the receptionist told me where your event was so I tracked you down.’

Liv let out a quiet whistle and walked away. I was actually quite chuffed at this open display of affection and his remembrance of my love of yellow roses just from one mention. However, I kept up my calm exterior.

‘Declan, you said you were single. I can appreciate maybe a lodger leaving tampons in a cupboard but a woman without her make-up – no way.’

Declan held out his soft hand to me. ‘Let’s go for a walk, I want to explain.’

The Big Top was by the side of the Thames. I agreed to hear Declan out, so we walked along the riverbank until we came to a bench. It was a warm May day. A family of ducks swam past, quacking.

‘In memory of Cuthbert Camel, oh how he loved to fish here,’ I read aloud and laughed, forgetting for one minute the seriousness of the pending conversation.

Declan smiled. ‘Amy Anderson, you really are beautiful you know.’ I felt a flutter in my stomach.

‘Now hear me out, it won’t take long.’

‘OK,’ I whispered.

‘The tampons and make-up bag belonged to my wife.’ He took a massive deep breath and I’m sure he was holding back tears. ‘Her name was Sally, she was beautiful inside and out.’

I started to shuffle on the bench.

‘They thought they’d caught it early enough.’ He faltered. ‘The cancer, that is. She died two years ago.’ ‘I’d actually just started to go through her things and throw them away, but it’s a very difficult thing to do. I know it probably sounds silly to you, but it’s almost like if you still have something of hers, she may come back and collect it one day. I still imagine her walking through the front door and calling my name. I loved her so much.’

I started to well up.

‘Oh Dec, that’s so sad. I do understand totally and I am so, so sorry. What a stupid cow I’ve been.’

‘You weren’t to know, Ames. I guess you’ve been hurt in the past, so you didn’t think to hear me out. Don’t cry, it’s OK.’

‘Actually Declan, it’s not OK at all. I’m mortified that I could have been so childish. I’m surprised you’ve even bothered to come and find me.’

Declan took my face in his, he had tears in his eyes. ‘I came to find you, Amy, because for the first time in two years I feel alive again.’ He then kissed me so tenderly it made me cry again.

‘Dinner tonight?’ he whispered.

I nodded.

Several dinners, a weekend in Paris and a Gucci handbag later, I realised that I actually had a boyfriend. Declan certainly knew how to woo me. Nothing seemed too much trouble where I was concerned. He was always kind and caring and would get his credit
card out at every instance. In fact, it almost seemed too good to be true. I disappointed Brad by selfishly putting our holiday plans on hold, but for once I felt as if I belonged in the big grown-up world of dating.

Christopher professed himself seriously glad that I’d found a partner; however he also seemed curiously sad that I was no longer entertaining him with my comic stories.

‘I’ll put you in the holding bay for now,’ He said.

‘You’ve still got a few more dates in the bag, so just ring if things don’t work out.’

‘Thanks for the confidence,’ I had replied.

The day of the Charity Cancer Ball at Eltan Hall arrived. This was a very important day for Declan as he had instigated the whole event.

‘I hope you don’t feel awkward with this, Ames,’ He had said a month into our relationship. ‘I want to do this in remembrance of Sally. It’s almost like I can finally let her go, whilst helping a lot of other people at the same time.’

My Piscean nature had always been drawn towards charities of any kind. In fact, as well as giving to the homeless, I couldn’t let anyone stand in the cold without putting some money in their tin – regardless of which charity it was.

Despite my event-organising skills, Declan didn’t want me to get involved in any shape or form.

‘I just want you there on the day, looking ravishing, that’s all. I do need to ask you a big favour though.’

‘Sure, what?’

‘I feel really bad asking you,’ he faltered.

‘Just come out with it Dec. You’ve done enough for me in the last month.’

‘Basically, I need to pay for the venue up front. The ticket costs will cover the caterers and band et cetera but Eltan Hall is such a popular venue that they won’t waiver the deposit. I was rather hoping that you might be able to lend me this amount out of your windfall.’

‘Is that all? Of course I can, babe. How much do you need?’

‘Six grand would be great if you’ve got it. I’ll be able to pay you back virtually straight away.’

‘That’s spooky – that’s exactly how much I’ve got left.’

‘Oh really? Wow, that’s great. What I’ll do is write you a cheque out of my account now, post dated for the Monday before the ball. The tickets will all have been sold by then so you can just pay it straight into your account. As it’s so close to the event the venue want cash, is that OK?’

‘No worries. If I give the bank a call now, I’m sure I’ll be able to go in this afternoon and pick it up.’

Declan handed me his cheque. He called me the night before the big event.

‘Ames, no time to see you later, sorry. Got to make sure everything is ready. This is just so exciting.’

‘Are you sure you don’t want any help?’

‘No, no, I’ll be fine. See you tomorrow – Eltan Hall, 7 p.m. prompt. Oh, and don’t forget one important thing.’

‘What’s that?’ I quizzed.

‘That I love you,’ he said softly, and hung up.

I hadn’t heard these three little words strung together for quite some time and they sent me into complete raptures. I rang the gang one by one just shrieking the words.

‘He loves me, he loves me. Oh my God, he loves me!’

At 6.30 p.m. the gang and I, beautifully attired in our sparkly evening wear, (this included Brad’s waistcoat) walked up the impressive drive to Eltan Hall. We were met on the door by a smart-looking porter.

‘We’re here for the Charity Cancer Ball. My boyfriend,’ I paused and turned round to the gang and stated, ‘who loves me, by the way,’ I turned back to the porter. ‘Sorry, my boyfriend is organiser, so we don’t have official tickets. He just said to ask for him when we arrived.’

‘Cancer Ball?’ The porter screwed up his face. ‘Sorry, love, it’s the Annual Pigeon Fancier Awards Dinner here this evening.’

‘We must have come to the wrong entrance then,’ I continued. ‘Sorry to have troubled you.’

‘This is the only entrance, love. You must have got your dates wrong.’ The porter shrugged.

‘Ames, please don’t tell me you’ve had a Dippy Minger moment ’cos you’re in
lurrve
,’ Liv teased, stressing the love word.

‘This is so odd!’ I exclaimed. ‘I’ll call Dec.’

His mobile was off so I tried his home number. The answer-phone didn’t click in as usual which was strange.

‘He phoned me last night to say don’t be late – something must be wrong. Bless him, maybe he’s terribly upset. Or maybe I’ve stupidly got the wrong venue.’

Sam took control. ‘Let’s go round to his flat, something does seem odd here.’

Sam and I got a cab on to Dec’s and the others said they’d hop in another one and told us to join them in the nearby Carpenters Arms later.

As the taxi pulled up to Declan’s flat, I began to feel afraid. Maybe something terrible had happened to him. This was so unlike him. I pressed the entry buzzer – no answer.

‘I’ll try one last time.’ I said worriedly.

‘You won’t get an answer from him, duck.’

We looked up. Declan’s neighbour was leaning out of her bedroom window, headscarf and rollers abundant. ‘He’s gone. Surprised you’re here, actually Thought he’d be meeting you at the airport.’

‘Mrs Barnes, what are you on about – airport? What do you mean?’

‘He went this morning. Gave me his key, said the new tenants were moving in on Sunday. Travelling the world, he said. Lots to see and do.’

Sam held my hand. I put it to my heart, as if somebody had just shot me in it. Then I said calmly. ‘Sam, let’s get to the pub.’

I didn’t cry. I didn’t really even discuss anything with the gang. They let me sit quietly and fed me rum and Cokes on a regular basis until I nearly passed out.

Monday morning, however, was a totally different story. Fuelled by a white-hot anger I was on a mission. I headed straight to my bank.

‘Can you check a cheque for me, please,’ I said abruptly to the spotty clerk.

‘Check a cheque?’

‘Yes, check a cheque,’ I repeated, now wanting to drag the little toe-rag out of his glass cage.

Then, realising I wasn’t talking any sense at all to the spotty one, I softened. ‘Look, I’m really sorry. I’m in a bad mood and I’m taking it out on you and it’s not your fault at all.’

‘Are you really, madam? I didn’t notice. Now let’s start again, shall we?’ He smiled a smile that would have melted a thousand hearts. My God, this kid must have had some customer service training.

‘Right, OK,’ I continued.

‘I just need to see if a cheque that I paid into my account for £6,000 last Monday has cleared yet.’

The spotty one tapped away at his screen. He bit his lip.

‘Well?’

He scratched his forehead.

‘Well?’ I repeated impatiently.

He looked very pained. ‘I really don’t know how to tell you this Ms Anderson, but I’m afraid there is an alert on the computer to send you a letter today.’

‘A letter?’

‘Yes. There were not enough funds in Mr O’Shea’s account to credit yours.’

I went white. ‘So basically the cheque has bounced?’

‘In non-technical terms, yes I’m afraid it has.’

I started to cry. Mr Declan O’Shea, liar, petty crook, bastard and excuse for a boyfriend, was now obviously on a flight to Australia with my £6,000. I wasn’t crying because of the loss of all the money. I wasn’t crying either for the fact that I now was single again. I was crying for poor Jed. Poor old Jed who had saved his hard-earned cash for me and now a complete charlatan had stolen it. I was also crying for the fact that somebody yet again could take me in so easily and treat me so badly. D spelling danger again. Why did I preach to everyone about his or her horoscopes and take no heed of my own? Why did I never learn that to me Geminis spelled trouble? I vowed to myself that that was the last time I would ever get involved with a twin!