Star (30 page)

She lay dreamily in his arms, and he frowned when he saw a single tear roll down her cheek. “Crystal … are you okay?” And then, feeling a terrible pang of guilt, “Are you sorry?” He had so little to offer her, he had no right … and yet he knew how much he loved her.

But she shook her head and smiled at him through her tears, as she whispered, “I’m not sorry … I love you.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head again, but for a moment the memory of Tom had enveloped her, even though this was so different.

“Tell me.” He pulled her even closer to him, and her tears fell on his naked shoulder. She wiped them away, but they only came faster. He encircled her tightly with his arms, worried about her. She needed him so badly, she was so vulnerable and so young and she had no one to take care of her, except him. It wasn’t fair, and soon he would have to leave her. “I won’t let you go till you tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I was thinking how happy I am.” She smiled through her tears, but he didn’t believe her.

“You could have fooled me. I could have sworn you were crying.” He loved being with her, loved the sweet smell of her flesh, and the clean silk of her hair. He loved everything about her. “Something happened to you,
didn’t it?” His voice was so gentle, it only made her cry more. He had suspected but he hadn’t dared ask her, and the story of her going after Tom Parker with her father’s gun hadn’t been forgotten.

And now, as she looked at him with sad eyes, she nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head, looking childlike again. “I can’t … it was too awful….”

“It must have been. But it doesn’t matter now, little love. Whatever it was, it’s all gone now. And maybe if you talk about it, it’ll be less of a burden.”

She looked at him hesitantly for a long time, wondering what he would think of her if she told him Tom had raped her. And then, slowly, knowing that she could trust him, she told him the awful tale. He lay very still, holding her, letting her tell him all of it as she clung to him and sobbed. Spencer’s eyes blazed, listening to her, but his voice was gentle and kind and she felt safe lying in his arms.

“You should have killed him. It’s a damn shame you didn’t. I think I would have if I’d been there.” And he meant it, but she shook her head vehemently. She knew better now. But it was too late for Jared.

“I was wrong … if I hadn’t … if …” She couldn’t bear to say it again, even to Spencer. “If I hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t have killed Jared…. Oh, Spencer … it was all my fault … I killed him.” She sobbed endlessly in his arms, as he kissed her and held her.

“It’s not your fault. None of it was … that part was an accident, and it was Tom’s fault, not yours. He shot him, Crystal, you didn’t. He raped you, and that wasn’t your fault either.” His soul burned just thinking about it, and his hands clenched involuntarily at the images she
had painted … the barn floor … and the leering face over her … his brutality … and his killing her brother.

As all the while, Crystal was looking miserably up at Spencer. “I wanted to kill him. I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me … that was wrong … and Jared died because of it.” He’d paid the price, and so had she, she had lost her brother, her home, her family. It was a hell of a price to pay for Tom Parker’s sins, and for a minute, Spencer knew that if he had been in her shoes, he would have pulled the trigger, and he was a much better shot than she was.

“You have to put it out of your mind now. You can’t change any of it. All you can do is decide not to carry it with you.”

“I can’t ever do that. What I did killed my brother.”

“That’s not true.” He sat up, and she cuddled up next to him as he put an arm around her shoulders. “You didn’t do anything, Crystal. Do you understand that?” She shook her head again and he knew instinctively that he would never convince her. She would carry it with her all her life, and secretly believe that it was her fault Tom had raped her, for some reason she couldn’t quite explain, and for very obvious reasons she felt as though she had killed her brother. Believing that had changed her life, and Spencer didn’t want it to mark her any further. “You have to look ahead of you now, and think of all the good things in store for you. You’ve got your singing, and you may have a big career one day.” Then with a smile, “And you’ve got me now.” For a minute … or a day … or perhaps a lifetime.

She smiled up at him, and kissed him gently on the cheek, and he returned the kiss to her lips with fresh passion. And as they kissed, they were both wondering what would happen, what the future held for them, if
anything. But it was too soon to think about that yet. Everything was brand-new between them. After a long while she calmed down and stopped crying, as she nestled beside him.

“Do you really think I might have a big career one day?” It seemed hard to believe, but she liked the sound of it, and he seemed convinced, which pleased her.

“Yes, I do. And I mean that. You have an incredible voice. One day you’re going to be a big star, Crystal. I really believe that.”

“I don’t see how.” It seemed like light years from Hollywood to San Francisco, but she still had her dreams, and she liked what she was doing.

“Give yourself time. You just started. Life is just beginning for you. When you’re my age, people will be lined up in the streets begging to hear you.” She laughed at the thought, and teased him as her long blond hair brushed his shoulder.

“Thanks, Grampa …”

“A little respect for your elders.” But his hand touching her thigh demanded her full attention, and a moment later she lay in his arms again, and all else was put aside as she gave herself to him with her whole heart. All she wanted was what they had, even Hollywood seemed to dim in comparison to what she had with Spencer.

She slept in his arms that night, breathing quietly, her face like a child’s, her head on his shoulder, and he had never been happier in his life. He knew that this was what he had lived for.

And in the morning, they went for a long walk and went out to breakfast. She talked animatedly about Harry’s restaurant and how much she loved singing there. It was as though they had always been together as Spencer grinned at her and listened. The shy little girl was gone,
and he was left with the woman he had always dreamed of.

They looked like newlyweds and no one would ever have guessed that he was married to another woman. Crystal was chattering happily and he laughed and bent over and kissed her. He was fascinated by everything she said. It wasn’t politics for a change, or the kind of things he and Elizabeth argued about. It was just real life, and the things that mattered to both Spencer and Crystal.

They went back to her room afterward, and made love again, and that afternoon when he took her to work, he was stunned to realize how much he missed her. Every hour away from her was painful to him, and he went back to the Barclays’ house to pick up some things so he could move in with her while he stayed in San Francisco. He thought of Elizabeth briefly as he packed his things. But she didn’t seem important now. Nothing did. Except Crystal.

Feeling dutiful, he called Elizabeth that night after he dropped Crystal off at work, and woke her up, although it was only ten-thirty. She said she was bored, and she sounded plaintive as she asked him when he was leaving for Korea.

“No news yet. I’ll call you when I know.” And then he told her he was staying with friends, he said he was too lonely at the Barclays’. She smiled as she talked to him then, and he promised to call again in a few days. And if she needed to, she could leave a message for him at the Barclays’. He’d call in for messages from time to time. But his voice was cool, although she didn’t seem to notice.

And half an hour later, he left the house again. And Elizabeth left his mind, as completely as she seemed to have left his life. It was almost as if they had never been married. But he refused to let himself think about it, as
he watched Crystal sing that night, and knew her songs were just for him. And after work, they walked back to the house on Green Street. He had never been happier in his life, and she looked pretty in a flowered dress. She left her satin evening gowns at work. They were only for when she sang, and she looked young again, with her hair loose, and her face free of makeup as she turned to him with a peaceful smile. All her sorrows seemed to have left her since he’d walked back into her life. And their whole world was limited to each other.

“Spencer,” her voice was soft as she looked at him, “will you write to me when you’re gone?”

“Of course, I will.” But they both knew that when he came back, he would have to face the issue of his marriage. And Spencer didn’t know yet what he was going to do. He was living day by day, and Crystal asked nothing more of him. He made no promises he couldn’t keep this time, kept no secrets from her. All they knew was what they had, and for two brief weeks, it was perfect.

Spencer went back to Monterey on September third, and two days later he was due to fly to Taegu by way of Tokyo, and before he left, he went to San Francisco for one more night with Crystal. Harry had given her the night off, and they walked for hours, talking and holding hands. They wanted the night never to end, and they wanted to remember each moment they had shared. Neither of them regretted anything. It had been perfection.

“You’re not sorry, are you?” He was always worried about her, but in a matter of hours there would be so little he could do for her. She was going to have to be strong while he was gone, and perhaps forever after that. But strength wasn’t something she lacked. What he regretted was that there was no one to watch over her, as he would have liked to.

“No, I’m not sorry. I love you too much to regret anything.” She smiled at him. She looked peaceful and she seemed to have grown up even more in the two weeks she’d spent with him. She was comfortable with him, and
their nights together had been filled with loving. “I’m going to miss you so much though.” And then, with worried eyes, “Keep safe, Spencer … don’t let anything happen to you.”

“Nothing will, silly. I’ll be fine. I’ll be back before you know it.” But neither of them knew what would happen when he did come back from Korea. There still didn’t seem to be any easy answers, and maybe there never would be. But he wondered if perhaps, away from both of them, it would all come clearer to him. He knew he had to do something eventually. They couldn’t go on like this forever. But he had made Crystal no promises about the future yet and she asked him for none now. She wanted nothing from him except what he’d given her in the two weeks since he’d found her on the street eating her ice cream on her birthday.

They went back to her room again, and made love for a last time, and there were tears in her eyes when he dressed. It hurt just seeing him in his uniform, and she walked stealthily downstairs when he left to drive back to Monterey, and stood outside on the front steps in bare feet and her nightgown.

“Go back inside. I’ll call you when I get there.” He was whispering again. For two weeks they had successfully managed to elude Mrs. Castagna.

“I love you.” She choked on her tears as she said the words, and he held her close, wanting to imprint her on his mind and body forever—he wanted her to remember him and the two weeks they had shared, in case he never came back at all. He was going to war after all, and God only knew what would happen.

“I love you, Crystal.” It was all he could say to her, as he hurried down the stairs and around the corner to the car he’d parked there. And a moment later, he waved as he drove away, and she walked silently upstairs to the
room that was so empty without him. He was gone and she knew she might never see him again, and yet she knew that she would never forget him. He was too precious to her, too embedded in her heart ever to leave her now, no matter what happened.

He called her when he reached Monterey. And the final hour had come. He was leaving that morning at ten-thirty. He called Elizabeth after that, and had to content himself with leaving a message for her. She was in classes, but it was a relief for him. He had been avoiding her for days, and only calling her when he knew he had to. It was difficult to play the game, and she knew him too well. She picked up every inflection, every mood, dissected every sentence. But so far, although he knew he should feel terrible about it, he had managed to fool her. It wasn’t what he had planned, but all his plans had gone awry the moment he had seen Crystal. He had had to be with her, as long as she was willing to let him stay with her. And every moment with her had been precious.

And as the flight to Hickam Field in Hawaii left Monterey, Spencer looked out the window and saw the last of the West Coast, and all he could think of was Crystal. The girl of his dreams, the woman he loved beyond reason.

And at the same moment, she stood looking up at the sky, knowing that far south of there, he was leaving and heading for the war. She prayed for his safety, and closed her eyes, and then fighting back tears, she went back into the house, and went silently to the room she had shared for two weeks with Spencer. It suddenly seemed as though it had been only moments. There had been so much left unsaid, so many things they wanted to do and didn’t have time for. He had wanted to drive up to the valley too, but Crystal had been reluctant. As much as she wanted to see Boyd and Hiroko and Jane, she didn’t
want to run into her mother or her sister or Tom. She didn’t want to go back there again, and two weeks later when Boyd called from the gas station to tell her that her grandmother had died, she didn’t want to go back then either.