Stand By Your Hitman (13 page)

“As you may have guessed,” Alan was saying to us poolside at the Tigre, “both Inuit and Ottawa will now merge into a tribe of eight.”

I picked at the rubber sole of my shoe. Why did he always have to state the obvious? Like we didn’t know there were only eight of us left?

He reached into a bag and pulled out a bright yellow bandana. “You are now all part of Team Tico.”

I sighed restlessly. Well, at least he got that right. A howler monkey went off, as if to give his approval.

“And you will set up a new camp together on the site of Ottawa’s old camp. Bert and Ernie will be your only camera crew.”

Sami snorted beside me. I guess the merge made the budget cuts easier to deal with. I wondered what had happened to Jimmy? Maybe he got sent back to Canada.

“Today, you will spend the day getting to know your new tribe. You will not have any challenges until tomorrow. I will see you then.”

I waited for Julie and Alan to leave before snagging Ernie. “What’s going on?”

Ernie looked around before answering. “They’re flying back home to beg more money from the network. I’ve got to drive them to the airport. You won’t see anyone until tomorrow.” He motioned to Bert and the two of them took off.

I filled Team Tico in on the latest developments. Lex and I volunteered to throw together a rudimentary shelter as subterfuge, and the others decided it would be a good day to spend at the guesthouse.

“What was your husband like?” Lex asked softly as we worked.

“What? Oh. Rudy.” I thought for a moment. “He was great. You would’ve liked him.” I hoped my insecurity wasn’t showing. In all honesty, I hadn’t seen Rudy in fifteen years. My memory was rusty when I tried to think of him, and that bothered me.

Living on the island, I thought about him a lot. But since I’d been here, around new people and Lex, Rudy’s memory seemed to fade. Why was that?

“Are the boys like him?” Lex pressed.

“Monty is,” I answered without thinking. “He’s quiet…thoughtful. Jack is outgoing and a handful. Rudy was more like Monty.” But was that true? I could barely remember.

“I always wanted kids,” Lex said. “So did Fiona. It just never happened.”

An aching feeling I recognized as sorrow welled up
in my throat. Lex obviously had no problem remembering his wife. How sad that they’d wanted children and never had them. My boys had been my life for nearly two decades. I couldn’t imagine life without them. As they prepared for college in the fall, I was preparing for the whole empty-nest thingy. And I was not looking forward to it.

I touched his hand. “As I told you before—I bet you would’ve made a great dad.”

Lex shook his head. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I guess I was just feeling a little melancholy.”

“Well, I’d be happy to loan you the boys anytime you want.” I laughed thinking about Lex chasing after Monty and Jack.

“I’d like that. Kind of like a fun uncle or something,” Lex said.

Yeah, a fun uncle who didn’t teach them how to kill people. That would certainly be a novelty to them.

Once we were finished with the saddest excuse for a lean-to ever, I sent Lex back to the guesthouse and slipped away to find my boys. They’d better have something, I thought. I couldn’t go on much longer with all this confusion. Back at Santa Muerta, everything was safe. The only decision I usually had to make was how much C-4 to order online.

“Mom!” Jackson’s voice caught me off guard. Apparently, I’d walked right past our tree.

“Where’s Monty?” I asked, always suspicious when they didn’t turn up together. In my seventeen years of experience with these two, I’d learned the hard way
that if one was gone, the other was likely covering for a punishable offense.

“He’s in town, doing some research on the show.” Jack grinned a big, toothy grin. Damn, he was a good-looking boy!

“Forget that. I need stuff on Vic.” I really didn’t care too much about the show.

Jackson frowned. “Well, I don’t exactly have anything on him.”

“What? What have you been doing?” I threw a mom tantrum. It surprised even me.

“Geez, Mom!” Jackson looked left and right. “It’s okay. No big!”

I sighed and took a deep breath. He was too old for shaken baby syndrome, but I was considering it. “Jackson. My son. My youngest by two minutes. The only reason I’m here is to do a job. If I don’t have a job to do, I’d just as soon not be here. Got it?” Wow. I sounded pissed. I wouldn’t want to be him arguing with me.

“Did something happen with Lex?” My little boy folded his arms over his chest. When did he get so smart?

“No!” I said a little too forcefully. “No!” I said it again as if repeating it would make it true. Hey, now there’s a thought! I wonder if I could do something with that in the lab? Suddenly, I felt very homesick.

“Mom, you’ve got that screwy look on your face. Snap out of it!”

I ran a hand through my hair. “It’s nothing,” I lied to my child. Truth was, it was something. Lex’s words
bothered me. There was no way I could live up to the memory of his dead wife. And I was pretty sure he wouldn’t want me once he knew what I did for a living. I mean, he spent his career making sure people didn’t die on his watch, while I made sure they did on mine.

“Look. I’m just anxious to finish the job,” I lied again. And from the look on his face, I was getting good at it. “So I need to know whether to take him out or not.”

As Jackson nodded his head to agree with me (or admit to himself that I finally had gone nuts), slivers of his red hair seemed to burst into flame as they hit patches of sunlight.

“I’ll find out. If I don’t know soon, we’ll just call the whole thing off and Monty and I will get you off the show.”

I hugged him before he fled. As Jackson disappeared, it hit me. How were they going to get me off the show? I shuddered in spite of the heat.

I didn’t go back to the guesthouse. I told myself it was because I didn’t want to get any closer to my Vic, but in all honesty, it was Lex and not Isaac I was worried about.

After buying a large sun hat and a huge pair of sunglasses in the gift shop, I ordered a pitcher of vodka tonics and sat down in the most remote corner of the pool area. Now, I know drinking doesn’t solve anything. And I have the alcoholic tolerance of plankton. But being alone with my thoughts seemed to be the best option right then.

Patience may be a virtue, but it never did right by me. I’ve had some pretty tricky hits over the years.

The first time I used one of my inventions for a hit was, oh, about twenty-five years ago. It was 1982, something like that. I’m not that good at math. That’s weird for an inventor—don’t you think? Anyway, I had to take out a woman who’d engineered a major terrorist plot that killed a marketplace filled with innocent people in the seventies and was then living as a divorce attorney in Tempe. She was a real dragon-lady bitch. And she favored suits with huge shoulder pads. I could’ve just plugged her, leaving the cops to think it was the ex-husband of one of her clients. But I wanted to try something new…have a little fun with it.

At first I thought about exploding shoulder pads, but that would have been hard to rig, and what if it just blew her shoulders off? I mean—she’d look pretty silly and would probably survive. So I rigged her garage. I messed with her car’s ignition so that once turned on, it wouldn’t turn off. Then I built sensors for the garage door and the door to the house that would lock when it sensed CO2. I guess they found claw marks around the doors where she’d tried to scratch her way out.

The detectives put it down to equipment failure. There was no CSI then so no one knew what to look for. From that moment on, I was hooked.

Shortly after that, I went through a James Bond phase where I experimented with everything from the
deadly bowler hat Odd Job flings (for a vicious white slave trader) to the suffocating gold paint from
Gold-finger
(on a visiting nurse who murdered her senior charges once they’d put her in their wills). After about four hits, though, I got bored and wanted to get back to developing my own stuff. Besides, no one got it. I was at least hoping to terrify people with the 007 Killer—but no one figured it out.

That was followed by the time I had to take out this Vic who worked in construction and dealt crack to middle-school kids in his neighborhood (they had only a 50 percent survival rate due to his lethal blend). I rigged a nail gun to backfire via remote. The gun shot the nail out backwards, killing the bastard instantly. I switched the gun out before the body was found. It looked like he’d committed suicide. I guess I rambled a little in the suicide note I left for him, because the police spent months interviewing employees at Hostess Foods in an attempt to discover a reason for the Vic’s obsession with Ding Dongs. I love Ding Dongs.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Probably my favorite job was where I invented a pair of stroke-inducing panty hose. You know how they have massaging nylons for people with poor circulation? It’s kind of the same theory, really, except that as you move, my hose constrict in a way that creates blood clots in the legs. From there, it’s only a matter of time before death by aneurism occurs. Of course, I had to trail the Vic for a while to make sure they worked. Boy, was he surprised. Oh, did I forget to mention the nylons were
for a man? Yup. A corrupt judge with cross-dressing tendencies who liked to wear them under his robes. He’d had a weakness for mob money and was known to slap the brutal defendants in his courtroom with nothing more than community service. Two of the guys he set free later went on to murder a prominent female district attorney who posed a threat to the Cosa Nostra.

I’d looked into various means of death, but that was the only thing I could come up with. I even tricked them out with an old L’eggs egg. Remember those? They don’t make them anymore, do they? I think they came out the same time as
Mork and Mindy
—maybe they were cross-promoting?

Oooh. This vodka was smooth. It seemed pretty strong but as I said before, I didn’t have a lot of experience drinking.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was pretty much obsessed with inventions by then. Let’s see…. I had the sunglasses that spray poison in your eyes; the garbage disposal and faucet rigged to electrify the sink—when the Vic washed dishes he was electrocuted; the weight belt that crushes your spine—I got the inspiration for that having my blood pressure read; the remote-controlled brick falling from a building to crush your skull (timing is really important on that one); the floor wax that looks dry but is actually slipperier than Crisco on an eel; oh yeah, and the super “Viagra.”

You know, I think I really missed an opportunity there. I actually invented the stuff before anyone else
knew about it. But being a Bombay means no future as a patented inventor, so what are you going to do?

Anyway, as you of course know, a vasodilator opens capillaries, which can cause a dangerous drop in blood pressure. Too much of it, your blood pressure is so low you have a heart attack because your heart is pumping harder. My little blue pill (I should’ve sued them for that too) was ten times stronger. So when a certain pimp of kidnapped child prostitutes from Thailand took what he thought would increase the duration of his erection, he keeled over before getting his pants off.

The coroner’s report said he had an erection that lasted more than ten hours after his death (take that, Cialis!). I guess it made the news and everything.

Ahhhh…memories. Like a fine pitcher of vodka and tonic on a warm day. I was starting to feel better, remembering my successes. But my head was starting to feel thicker, kind of like being stuffed up. I hate that alcohol does that. My glaucoma stash doesn’t have that effect—that’s a whole different thing. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance there too.

“Missi? What are you doing here?” Lex pulled up a chair next to me.

“Bitch is fucked-up.” Sami grinned as she helped herself to my cocktails. Now if she would only stop quivering…

“I just needed a few mishuts.” I waved my hand and stared at it as it moved. It was quivering just like Sami.

“What?” Lex looked at the almost-empty pitcher. “How long have you been out here?”

“Damn!” Sami cried out. “This is straight vodka! This dumbass should be dead!”

I shook my head and had to stop it with my hands. “No. There’s tomik init.” I’d asked for tonic. Maybe Sami was right. If so, was this sabotage too?

Lex frowned and sniffed the pitcher. “Dammit. Who served you?” When I didn’t answer he turned to Sami.

“She could’ve died from alcohol poisoning.” His words sounded like they were far, far awaaay….

Lex began to rotate in place like a spinning wheel.
I was fascinated. How did he defy the laws of physics like that?

“Let’s get you back to the guesthouse.” He started to lift me out of the chair, and I walked sideways into a wall.

The next thing I remember was waking up in bed next to Sami. It was completely dark outside, so why did it feel like the sun had taken up residence in my brainpan? I shrugged on one of the fluffy robes and stumbled into the great room.

Damn. No aspirin. What kind of luxury cabana was this? I was in no shape to go rooting through my stuff to find the supply my sons had given me.

“How are you feeling?” Lex appeared next to me, no longer rotating 360 degrees. Good for him. That could be dangerous.

“Great,” I lied. I was doing a lot of that lately. “I need aspirin.” Now that was actually true.

“Here.” He handed me a whole bottle of ibuprofen. “I picked this up in the gift shop after putting you to bed.”

It took all of my strength—which at this point was not considerable—not to throw myself into his arms. Instead I swallowed four capsules on the spot.

“I thought you were only supposed to take two?”

I waved him off. “I developed a high tolerance to this stuff a while back.” It was true. Back home I chugged these pretty regularly, what with all the concussions from my explosions and whatnot.

“Apparently you handle medicine much better
than you do alcohol.” Lex smiled before wrapping his arms around me. Mmmmm. He smelled really good. Like soap. I love that smell. I’m sure I smelled like a distillery.

I pulled back and smiled weakly. “Well, thanks for taking care of me. I guess I overdid it a smidge.”

He laughed. “A smidge? Sami had two glasses and got a buzz. She told me that back home it usually takes a case of beer for that to happen. That was strong stuff.”

I would’ve laughed, but my whole body threatened to explode if I even giggled. Everything—and I mean everything—hurt.

“It’s not funny, Missi. That could’ve been an attempt on your life.”

Okay. I stopped laughing as I remembered that my head had been on the keg seconds before it exploded. Damn. Had Isaac figured me out and started trying to kill me first?

“So why did you disappear like that?” Lex looked concerned and I loved him for it. I loved him for it enough to lie some more.

“I just needed some time alone. You know how it is, having a camera and everybody else around twenty-four hours, seven days a week.” I hoped that sounded sincere.

Lex smiled. “I can totally understand that. It’s like being under a microscope. I wish I’d thought of it, actually.”

I hated myself. I hated lying to him and my sons.
This job was killing me. And I had to lie to everyone here. And while Lex was being so supportive and thoughtful, I felt even worse.

“Well, good night.” I kissed him lightly on the lips and practically raced back to my room.

My monastic life on the island was never like this. I didn’t have to treat people badly and pretend I was someone else. I didn’t really have any stress in my life. As soon as I got back, I was going to come up with some evil sort of revenge on the Council for putting me through this.

That was a comforting thought, and my last one before I fell asleep.

We were running late the next morning as the eight of us careened into each other (the fluffy robes acting as shock absorbers) while grabbing fistfuls of bacon off the cart and getting ready.

We arrived at Camp Tico looking well fed and clean. The site hadn’t had any activity in almost twenty-four hours and it had been days since we’d lit a fire. Julie and Alan looked too distracted to care, but I was sure the audience would notice something wasn’t right when the show aired. Oh well—not my problem.

“Well, I hope you all slept well,” Alan began, sounding a little sarcastic. “Due to some…um, changes at the network, we will be sending two of you home today.”

We looked around at each other and rolled our
eyes. Obviously the changes at the network included a healthy round of budget cuts.

“So the two slowest people in today’s challenge will leave, becoming part of the jury.” Alan looked tired.

“You mean we’re voting two people off, right?” Moe asked, and I automatically brightened.

Julie shook her head. “We won’t have time for Tribal Council tonight. So the two of you with the lowest scores will exit the show.”

“If you’ll just follow Julie, I’ll meet you at the site of today’s challenge.” Alan stood there, waiting for us to leave. No doubt so he could reappear at wherever we ended up.

The eight of us on Team Tico followed Julie silently into the jungle. I don’t even think she noticed how quiet we were. Man, something was really eating them.

It took almost half an hour of hiking to get to a riverbank deep inside the foliage. As we emerged from the jungle, I noticed a large crocodile laying on the bank. Crocs were native to this area and I’d seen them many times before. My teammates, however, had not. This I gathered from the screaming that followed.

“What the fuck is that?” Sami shouted down from the limbs of a nearby tree.

Everyone else pretty much said the same thing. Julie stayed a safe distance away, but tried to appear calm. Alan miraculously appeared and with a stick began to point at the crocodile.

“Alligators are native to Costa Rica,” he began.

“Um, no they’re not.” I couldn’t help it. The temptation to correct him was unbearable. I thought I saw Ernie grin from behind his camera.

Alan looked unshaken. “Yes, they are. And this is an alligator.”

I stepped forward. “No. Alligators live in parts of North America. This is a crocodile. An American crocodile to be exact.” He hated me already, so I thought I’d just have fun with it.

“Whatever!” An angry Alan struggled to regain his composure. “Same thing.”

“Listen, dumbass!” Sami shouted down. “My friend says it’s a crocodile and I believe her. The question is—what the fuck is it doing here?”

I couldn’t resist giggling. Sami had my back all right.

“You will wrestle this alli…crocodile,” Alan said, as one by one Team Tico’s jaws dropped. “You will be timed to see how long it takes you to drag the gator…I mean croc, to shore.”

“Are you fucking insane?” Sami shrieked and I could swear that dogs in the nearest village covered their ears.

“This time you’ve gone too far!” Isaac raised his voice—which startled me. “You can’t ask us to do anything life threatening.”

The rest of the group murmured their agreement and Alan just held up his hands.

“This is a challenge! Would you rather I had you wrestle a miniature dachshund? For christsake people! The name of the show is
Survival
!”

We barely had time to reply before he shrieked, “Missi! You’re up first!” Why was I not surprised?

Lex put his arm out to bar me from moving. Not that I was racing for the challenge, mind you. Crocs are very dangerous. And although this one seemed to be only four feet long, that wasn’t a guarantee some of us would come out in one piece. For a moment I wondered if what they had in mind for eliminating two of us was to feed us to the crocodile.

“You can’t make us do this,” Lex said in calm, measured tones that made all kinds of butterflies flip-flop around in my stomach. Then I thought about Fiona and realized there was more to his concern than I thought.

“If you refuse, you will be taken off the program,” Alan said, and sniffed indignantly. I wanted to feed him to the croc. It wouldn’t take long. We’d all just stand there on the shore, watching calmly as the croc grabbed him and pulled the smarmy host under. Soon, the thrashing would begin as the slimy reptile—Alan, not the crocodile—was spun around in the water until he drowned. Then if the croc was still hungry, we could feed him Julie.

“If you don’t do it, Missi,” Alan snapped, “Sami will have to go first.”

I knew how much Sami needed the reward money for this show. She wouldn’t refuse the challenge. At least I’d done this before (hello, I’m a Bombay!). Maybe I could buy some time or even injure the croc
so it couldn’t hurt anyone else. As long as I could keep its mouth closed, I’d be all right. I took a deep breath and pushed away the protective arm Lex had wrapped around my waist. I immediately missed his warmth and support, but I had to do this. “It’s okay. He’s a small one. Just make sure everyone watches what I do, all right?”

Lex and Isaac tried to stop me, and I believe Sami would’ve intervened too, had she come down from the tree. I just pushed through them and made my way to the animal.

Now, few people know this because I’ve never told anyone my trick when it comes to reptiles. We had a couple of freshwater crocs on the island and I’d studied them for a while to see if there was a way I could use them for work.

Besides the usual—hold them in a half nelson and get their tail tight between your legs so they don’t smack you around—there’s a spot where, if you apply the right amount of pressure, they just go into brain-lock. Then you can do whatever you want for about ten minutes. Humans have the same trigger. For men, it’s porn. For women, it’s chocolate.

As I walked up to the croc, a native Tican emerged from the jungle and quickly wrapped a leather muzzle around the croc’s nose. Well, at least that was a bit of a relief. Crocodile jaws are very powerful. And if they get a grip on you and drag you into the water, you’re pretty much done for.

The Tican then dragged the animal into the water
and motioned for me to go in. I was barely wading when Alan shouted for Julie to start the timer.

It really only took a minute or two to jump the poor beast from behind and lock my arms around him and my legs around his tail as I dragged him to shore. I didn’t even have to use my trick. The muzzle kept him from snapping and, unless I miss my guess, the poor croc was drugged. What a lame idea.

“He’s drugged and docile,” I whispered to my team when I rejoined them. “Just do what I did and you should be all right.”

“Sami!” Alan called, and I realized she’d gotten down and was standing next to me. “You’re up!” He’d regained some of his smarmy cockiness and I hated him for it. I’d have given anything to see him turned into crocodile crap.

Sami froze for a moment. I thought she was going to give up. Not that I could blame her. The scariest thing she’d probably ever seen was the guy on the next bar stool at closing time when the lights came on.

To my amazement, she walked over to where the croc was being dragged into the water by his handler. Even more impressive was the fact that she managed it in three seconds less than me.

“Goddamned bitch gonna show me who’s boss!” she swore under her breath as she strutted back to us.

“So far, Sami has the fastest time, followed by Missi. Lex, your turn.”

My heart jumped a little as I feared he might get hurt. Then I remembered that the croc was muzzled
and drugged and Lex was stronger than I was. Lex calmly waded into the water. I was so proud. He came back with a time that matched mine. And I liked the way his arm muscles bulged as he dragged the poor creature onto the bank.

We watched as, one by one, Isaac, Moe and Dr. Andy managed to wrestle the crocodile to shore. It seemed to be going well. Only Liliana and Brick/Norman remained. Surely the reptile was getting weaker by now.

Liliana straightened her back and walked into the water. To my surprise, she managed to grab hold of the animal and was just beginning to bring him to the bank when the muzzle sprang from his jaws and he started snapping. Liliana dropped him out of shock and the croc managed to grab hold of her clothes.

Once he got a good grip, he started spinning in the water, dragging Liliana with him. I ran into the thrashing water to save her. Isaac and Lex appeared beside me. Lex grabbed the beast by the body as Isaac held the tail. I brought my hand down as hard as I could, stabbing him between the eyes with my fingers.

It worked. The croc went slack and as the men dragged him onto the beach, I pulled Liliana from the muddy river. She said nothing as she staggered toward the rest of the group. I was seriously impressed.

“Brick!” Alan acted as though what had happened hadn’t really happened. No one tried to fix the muzzle. What was going on?

“Hold on!” Isaac shouted. “We need to get another muzzle on him first!”

Looking around, I noticed that the croc’s handler was nowhere to be found. What did that mean?

“We move ahead,” Julie said steadily. Was she nuts? One of the safety precautions was gone!

“You know what?” Brick/Norman said in a squeaky, not-very-leading-man sort of voice. “I quit. I’m off the show, okay?”

Alan and Brick glared at each other for a few moments. Alan backed off.

“Liliana and Brick—you will go back to the Tigre.”

Julie agreed with Alan and began leading the two out of the area.

“The rest of you head back to camp,” Alan said, then promptly disappeared.

I made a mental note to put some scorpions in his bed later. That would be fun.