Stalking the Dragon (11 page)

C
HAPTER
14

12:44
AM
–1:19
AM

They walked down the darkened street, their footsteps echoing off the pavement.

“We must be getting close,” said Mallory. “There's a Chinese carryout every half-block.”

“There's a Mexican carryout every half-block too,” said Belle. “I can smell it from in here.”

“You'd better let me go first,” said Joe, stepping forward and brandishing his sword. “Tong members don't scare me. I'm ready for anything.”

“Joe, put your sword away,” said Mallory.

“Why?” asked the goblin.

“If you saw a stranger walking through
your
neighborhood with a sword in his hand, what would you think—that he's looking for a dragon, or that he's looking for a fight?”

“No problem,” said Joe, sheathing his sword. “My hands are deadly weapons, and are registered with the police departments in Saigon, Macao, Hong Kong, Manhattan, and Chinquapin, North Carolina.”

“Chinquapin?” repeated Mallory, curious.

“There was this girl…” said Joe wistfully.

They saw an ancient, bald, bent-over Oriental man emerge from a hotel, walking unsteadily with a cane.

“I'll handle this,” said Joe.

“Handle
what
?” asked Mallory.

“Canes can be deadly weapons. Leave him to me.”

“Joe, if he swings that cane, or even picks it up off the ground, he'll fall over.”

“That's what he wants you to think,” said Joe suspiciously.

“What makes you think he knows anything about Fluffy?”

“We have to start somewhere,” responded the goblin.

“Let's start with someone who has a fifty-fifty chance of still being alive at ring time,” said Mallory.

Joe shrugged. “You're the boss.”

“I'm glad someone remembers that,” muttered the detective.

They passed a row of gift shops filled with cheap presents and cheaper tourists, and Felina told Mallory which fifteen items she wanted from each. Next came a trio of Chinese restaurants, and finally a small building with a sign in the window that this was
Tong Headquarters, Local 84
. Mallory turned to Jeeves.

“All right, we're in Chinatown. What now?”

“I don't know,” admitted the gremlin. “I just know that the Chinese are partial to dragons.”

“Even when it isn't New Year's?”

“Absolutely,” said Jeeves. “The dragon is the Chinese pet of choice.”

“Are you saying you think someone stole Fluffy to keep as a pet?” asked Mallory.

“No.”

“Then what
are
you saying?”

Jeeves shrugged. “Just that this seems a likely place to look for her.”

“I thought you were supposed to be the expert on dragons,” said Mallory irritably. “I need more input than that.”

“I
am
an expert on dragons,” said Jeeves defensively. “But
you
are supposed to be the expert on criminals.”

Mallory glared at him for a long moment, then turned to Felina. “Do you remember what Fluffy smells like?” he asked.

“Like a dragon,” answered the cat-girl.

“I'm surrounded by experts,” said Mallory dryly.

“Forget them, Sweetie,” said Belle. “I'm all you'll ever need.”

“I'm open to suggestions,” said Mallory. “What's your take on the situation?”

“Kiss me first.”

Mallory pulled out the phone and stared at it. “Where?”

Belle uttered a high-pitched giggle. “I'll let you decide.”

“You'd better have something interesting to say,” said Mallory, bringing
the phone to his lips and briefly kissing it. A pudgy Oriental woman on the other side of the street, who had been watching him suspiciously, almost fell over laughing.

“That's
it
?” demanded Belle. “Where was the passion? Where was the romance? Where was the
je ne sais quoi
?”

“I left them in my other suit,” said Mallory. “Now what's your suggestion?”

“There's a sign on the next block,” said Belle. “Can you see it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well?”

“‘The Dragon Lady Sees All, Knows All, Tells All,'” read Mallory. “Are you seriously suggesting I should go to a Chinese fortune-teller?”

“Why not?”

“Fortune-tellers are all phonies.”

“Not in
this
Manhattan,” said Belle.

“She's right, you know,” said Joe. “I lost my dagger two months ago. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. So I went to Madame Markoff, and she solved my problem.”

“She told you where the dagger was?” asked Mallory.

“She told me to bet on Blarney Stone in the fifth race at Aqueduct.”

“What the hell has that got to do with a missing dagger?”

“Blarney Stone paid eighteen-to-one, and I used the money to buy a new dagger and treat myself to dinner.”

“So was she a fortune-teller or a tout?” asked the detective.

“What difference does it make?” replied Joe. “I paid her to solve a problem. She solved it.” He patted the hilt of his dagger.

“Did she also tell you where to look for the damned thing?”

“She told me that Slippery Stanley had a fine dagger for sale in his window, and to remember to give her an extra five-spot if Blarney Stone won.”

“I don't want a substitute Fluffy,” said Mallory. “I want the original item.”

“It can't hurt to ask,” said Joe. “I mean, ordinarily I'd be very leery of anything an oversexed cell phone said…”

“Well, I like
that!
” snapped Belle.

“…but when she gives you battle-tested advice like this,” continued Joe, “how can you go wrong?”

“I'm sure Will Shakespeare could give you an answer,” said Mallory.

“He could?”

“‘Let me count the ways,'” quoted the detective.

“So you're not going to give it a try?”

“I haven't heard any better suggestions,” said Mallory, heading off toward the little storefront on the next block. “Belle, you'd better be right.”

“I am,” said the phone. “Though for a kiss like that, it'd serve you right if all she directed you to was a dead cat.”

Felina stopped peering into store windows long enough to hiss.

“No offense intended, cat-thing,” said Belle. “Make it a dead dog instead.”

“Well,” said Mallory as they approached the shop, “she's called the Dragon Lady. At least that's encouraging.”

“I don't know,” said Jeeves. “The sexiest girl I ever knew was called Herman.”

“It sounds like at least one of you was very confused,” said Mallory.

They reached the storefront and found that the windows had been blackened.

“I don't like the looks of this,” said Joe.

“It's probably just a way to provide privacy,” said Mallory. “If you're here to find out if you're wife's cheating on you, or what the odds are of her finding out if you decide to cheat on her, a little privacy isn't a bad idea. And if she's selling tips on the races, you don't want someone looking in with binoculars or a telescope in case you write the name down or circle it in the
Racing Form
.”

“Just the same, I'd better enter first,” said Joe, pulling out his sword again.

“You wait here,” said Mallory. “Felina, you too. And don't wander off.”

“Yes, John Justin,” she said with a feline smile.

“I mean it.”

“Yes, John Justin.”

“Can I trust you?”

“Yes, John Justin.”

“I couldn't trust you this afternoon,” he said. “What's changed since then?”

“Yes, John Justin.”

Mallory sighed and turned to Jeeves. “You come in with me.”

“Me?” said the gremlin, startled.

“We're looking for
your
dragon,” said Mallory. “If she needs to know anything about it—its habits, what it answers to, anything more than she can learn from a photo—you're the one who's going to have to tell her. Unless she's a mind reader, too—then she can just take a peek and get what she needs.”

“What if there are villains in there just waiting to pounce on you?” asked Joe.

“I'll protect him,” said Belle.

“How?” asked Joe.

“If nothing else works, I'll offer myself to them and let them satisfy their carnal desires while my Sweetums makes his getaway.”

“The mind boggles,” said Mallory wryly.

“Turns you on, does it, Big Boy?” said Belle.

Mallory found himself hoping that the Dragon Lady was a little more grounded in reality than the members of his party. He opened the door, waited for Jeeves to enter, followed him in, and turned to Joe.

“Make sure Felina doesn't wander too far.”

“I can't leave my post at the door,” protested the goblin.

“Sure, you can.”

Joe shook his head. “Nobody enters until you emerge.”

“Joe, this is a place of business. Anyone can enter.”

“Oh. Right.” Then: “So why can't I come in?”

“It's a small shop, you're wearing a sword and a dagger, and I want her full concentration on the dragon.”

“You mean I might terrify her?” asked Joe hopefully.

“Anything's possible,” said Mallory, who thought it equally likely that she might fall over laughing and hurt herself.

“Makes sense,” said Joe. “I'll stay out here with the cat-thing.”

Mallory closed the door behind him, and found himself and Jeeves in a small, dark room, lit solely by a half dozen candles. There was an ornate desk and chair at the back, and three less impressive chairs facing it. There were a number of framed pictures on the wall, but it was too dark to make them out.

“Sit down,” the detective said to Jeeves.

“Where?” asked the gremlin.

“There are three empty chairs and a floor,” said Mallory. “How hard a choice can it be?”

Jeeves shrugged and sat down on a chair. Mallory sat on another, leaving the one between them empty. A moment later a tape recorder played “Hail to the Chief” and the theme from
Rocky
, and then a woman entered the room. Her skin was green and covered with scales, she sported a truly impressive tail, the nails on her hands were as long as Felina's and didn't appear to be retractable, and her face, while clearly feminine, was nonetheless reptilian, topped off by green shoulder-length hair. She wore a red velvet gown, but the shoe had never been created that could cover her splayed feet, and so she was barefoot.

“You may sit,” she said in a harsh voice.

“We
are
sitting,” replied Mallory.

She frowned. “Who gave you permission to sit?”

“You did, eight seconds ago.”

“Well, that's all right then,” she said. “I am the Dragon Lady. I see all, know all, predict all, and am never wrong except on certain unique occasions which we never refer to.”

“I'm John Justin Mallory, and this is Jeeves.”

She stared at them for a moment. “Jeeves, your family will disown you. Still, if you're set on it, I suggest a honeymoon at the Passionfire Motel just outside Natick, Massachusetts. Free breakfast, mirrors on the ceiling, a heart-shaped tub, and they never ask any questions. Say I sent you and you'll get a discount.”

Suddenly she smiled. “I trust that solves your problem, and I predict that you will be very happy together.”

“I'm afraid not,” said Mallory. “We came here with a different problem.”

The Dragon Lady closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her temples. Suddenly she looked at Mallory. “Not to worry. No matter what the doctors tell you, it's benign.”

“Would you like to hear what we came for, or are you just going to keep guessing all night?”

She glared at him for another moment, then shrugged. “All right. You talk, I'll listen.”

“A dragon went missing this afternoon,” said Mallory. “A very valuable dragon.” He pulled out one of Fluffy's photos and tossed it onto the desk. “She stands eleven inches at the shoulder.”

“Are you the fuzz?” asked the Dragon Lady.

He shook his head. “I'm private.”

She studied the photo. “Pretty little feminine thing.”

“Jeeves can answer any questions you may have about her.” Mallory paused. “And there's a time limit.”

“Oh?”

“She's due in the ring at Eastminster at four o'clock this afternoon.”

The Dragon Lady turned to Jeeves. “What does she eat?”

“Elephant-shaped chocolate marshmallow cookies,” replied the gremlin.

“Sounds tasty,” said the Dragon Lady. “What name does she answer to?”

“Fluffy.”

“Does she fly, or are the wings just for show?”

“She flies very short distances.”

“How short?”

Jeeves frowned. “Maybe ten feet. Unless she's jumping off the top of the Vampire State Building. Then she can fly a couple of thousand feet. But she lands with a splat.”

“Any habits I should know about?”

“Well,” said Jeeves, “I snore, and I bite my nails, and—”

“Not you, idiot—the dragon!” she snapped.

“She's never been alone long enough to develop any habits.”

“Poor little thing,” said the Dragon Lady. She began rummaging through her desk drawers. “Now where the devil is it?” She began tossing papers, pens, rulers, small liquor bottles, and pencils onto the floor. “Ah!” she said with satisfaction after a couple of minutes. “I've got it!”

She pulled a crystal ball out of a drawer and set it on the desk in front of her.

“Stay back,” she warned. “This could be dangerous.”

Jeeves tensed and got ready to race for the door. Mallory looked unimpressed.

“Boil and bubble, cauldron of trouble!” she intoned, then looked up. “That's just for effect, you understand. Crystal balls hardly ever boil.”