Stages of Grace (20 page)

"Well, you don’t have to rush. You can work with me as long as you'd like."

"I don’t want to become a pain."

"You?"
He seems shocked. "Impossible."

"That is sweet of you to say."

"I am sweet. UTAH!"

I laugh and shake my head at him. Yes, he is very sweet. When it’s my turn for the final leg of the trip, the increase of congestion on the road surprises me. What's the big deal on a Monday afternoon? I try to remember if it had been like this when I went with Kate to see the mermaids. One welcome change is the temperature. It must be eighty degrees. I shrug off my green cardigan at a red light.

"Is it always this beautiful?"

"We do get quite a bit of rain, which you have so far missed, but otherwise, yes. It is this beautiful most of the time."

"I might even get a tan."

"That'd be a shame."

I glance at him, one eyebrow raised in a silent question.

He shrugs and looks straight ahead. "You have lovely skin."

I don’t say anything. Part of me wants to argue his compliment, to say, ‘but my skin is so pasty.’ Instead, I allow myself to accept his compliment and maybe even believe it, making a mental note to buy sunscreen. When we are less than an hour away, I start to recognize places from my trip before. Little things, a road sign, a shopping center, a school. Ryan laughs each time I shout, pointing out something I think I've seen before.

When we pull into Kate's driveway, I turn excitedly to Ryan and say, "I live here now."

"That you do. Come on. Let's go find Kate."

When we get to the front door, I pause to let Ryan open it, until he reminds me that this is my house now.

"Oh right," I say, pushing open the door. "Kate," I call out. "We're here."

Kate slowly makes her way from the kitchen to greet us, pulling us both into a hug. She raises her hands to my face, placing one on each cheek and kissing me,
then does the same with Ryan. After that, we begin unloading my car. Most of the boxes go straight into my new room. The ones that do not fit go in the spare room with the daybed. When Ryan carries my TV in, I can't decide where to put it. After talking with Kate, we decide to switch it out with the smaller TV in her living room. I don't have a cable jack in my new room so Ryan sets the old living room TV in the room with the daybed.

Kate sits in the corner chair and Ryan on my bed while I unpack my clothes. I'm almost surprised to see how much I have since I haven't done much shopping in the last year. Once I have the dresser filled, I confess I need a break.

"Pool?" Ryan asks.

"That sounds wonderful" I admit.

"I might even get in myself," Kate adds.

Kate and Ryan leave so we can all change. I'm the first one in the pool, Kate not long after. Ryan takes longer than I expect. When he finally walks over, he apologizes for the delay. There was a work call he had to take.

"Everything alright?" Kate moves over on the pool step to give him room to pass.

"Nothing big, just a technical issue with the credit card reader, but it's all sorted now."

"This feels so good." I had grabbed a float and am lying on my stomach. "I might just fall asleep."

"Like last night?"

"What happened last night?" Kate asks, looking at Ryan.

"Grace passed out, mid chat."

"I was tired. Moving is tiring" I try to explain.

"It was a first for me, I have to admit." He mock hangs his head in shame. "I didn't know I was so boring."

"You are not boring." I lift my head to look at him.

"Stop teasing her, Ryan." Kate flicks her hand at him,
then turns to slowly get out of the pool.

"Need a hand, Kate?"

"I've got it, dear. Why don’t you get a raft like Grace?"

"Brilliant idea," Ryan says, swimming towards me.

"She didn’t mean mine," I say, paddling with my arms away from him. "Go get your own."

He swims right up beside me, hands resting on the raft. "But I like this one."

"Don’t you dare!"

He moves as though he is going to flip me but stops. "I wouldn’t dream of ruining such a pretty view."

I blush and put my head down. He is such a flirt.

"So when did you want to start work?"

I lift my head. Tomorrow feels too soon. I want to get a bit more settled before I do anything. "Would the day after tomorrow be okay?"

"Why don’t you take the rest of the week and start on Monday?"

"That'd be perfect."

Kate had gone to get her knitting from inside the house and was now sitting on her wicker loveseat, working away. I watch as her hands move swiftly with the needles.

"What are you making now, Kate?"

"A little sweater."
She proudly holds it up.

"That is so cute."

"I could teach you."

"To make that?"

"We'd probably start with something easy, like a scarf or a baby blanket."

"I'd like that."

"Do you want to learn too, Ryan?"

Ryan had grabbed another float and is jumping on it. Once he is comfortable he says, "Nope, I'm good."

"Not manly enough for you?"

"Too manly, actually.
I'm terrified of it," he jokes.

"Silly boy."
Kate is shaking her head.

Ryan just grins at us, making us laugh. Not long after, I help Kate get dinner started. We’re having salmon and rice with steamed
edamame. I’m not sure about knitting but know I want to learn how to cook while living with Kate. Ryan walks in and out a few times, getting plates and silverware to set the table.

"White wine?"
Kate asks, winking at me.

"I'll have a beer for myself and open a bottle for the two of you."

"He hates white wine." Kate thinks this is funny for some reason.

We eat on the lanai, and Ryan does not stay long after, wanting to make an early start the next day. I clear the table and load the washer before turning in myself. I have to move some things from the bed to the floor to get in but am asleep in no time. Sometime during the night, I wake up and cannot fall back asleep. My mind is in overdrive, trying to identify unknown sounds of the house and outside my window. A noise may wake me, but the thoughts I cannot quell are what unsettle me. My mind is a loop of destructive thoughts, on an endless replay.

Is this a mistake? Does Jon still love me? Shit! I sit up with a start. I was supposed to call Jon when I got to Florida but forgot. My cell phone is on the charger next to me. Jon had gotten a new phone before I left, but I'm waiting to change mine, still not sure if I want to keep my old number or get a new Florida number. I punch out a quick text to him, hopeful his ringer is off and that it won't wake him. -
Made it to Florida, am at my grandmother's. Sorry for the late text. Hope you are doing well
.
I flop back onto my pillows, feeling guilty for sending that text so late. Part of me hopes his ringer isn’t off and that he will text me back.

What is wrong with me, I wonder. It is pointless to be concerned with Jon now that I am so far away. Does he really miss me? Will he want me to come back? I think back to the first time I ever saw him, that night at the bowling alley. It had seemed almost magical at the time and is still so vivid in my memory. Everything about him, all of our firsts held prime reality in my conscious thoughts. I missed
him, I missed home and my parents. I turned on my side, cradling my phone, still hopeful for a return text from Jon. I pull my knees up to my chest feeling more overwhelmed with each passing moment.

My mind will not rest. I am so focused on all of the wonderful moments with Jon and this overpowering sense of loss. I picture everything that won't happen now because I've left. No wedding, no first home, no family of my own. Tears flow freely as I imagine myself and Jon holding the baby we will never have. Sleep is no longer an option as I watch a light from behind the curtain grow brighter to announce the arrival of the sun. I slowly make my way to the bathroom to wash my face.

Back in my room, I check my phone one last time before going in search of food. No response. Kate is by the pool eating breakfast. I pour myself a cup of coffee and make some toast before joining her. She asks how I slept. I know the dark circles under my eyes probably answer the question for her, but downplay it and say I slept fine. I can tell she isn’t buying it but am relieved that she doesn’t push the subject. We discuss our plans for the day. Kate is to play tour guide as I get my car registered.

I plan to call my insurance company first to file the change of address. I make that call not long after breakfast but before I shower. My insurance is almost doubling. That job Ryan offered me is looking more like a life preserver now. I shower and dress simply in loose
capri cargo-style pants and a long-sleeved, striped t-shirt. Kate is in the kitchen pulling out some meat from the freezer to thaw.

"All set, Grace?"

"Yes. I mean, if now is a good time."

"Of course.
Let’s go."

After my car is registered and its emissions tested, we make our way back to Kate's house. On the way back, Kate asks me what I think of Ryan.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you fancy him?"

"I'm not sure what you mean. I like him. He's a really nice guy."

"Would you ever like to be more than friends with him?"

"Kate, are you trying to set me up?"

"So what if I am? Ryan is such a sweet boy. You could do worse."

"I'm just not sure if I'm ready for anything like that. Besides, it would be weird working for him." I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself. "And most important, who knows if he likes me?"

"I think he does
" she says with a sly grin.

"Well, has he said anything?"

"Not directly, no—" I frown.

"Well, there you go. No point in even thinking about it."

"But he's so handsome."

"Then you date him
" I tease.

She laughs.
"If I was fifty years younger, I would. Hell, if I was thirty years younger, I'd at least think about it."

I laugh and shake my head. As attractive and sweet as Ryan is, there is no way of knowing if he is interested, and most importantly, if I can even handle it. The smartest thing I can do for myself is to get settled before I even think about anything like that. No point in worrying about Ryan when I’m losing sleep over Jon. I check my phone again when we get back to Kate's. No message. Pleading exhaustion, I take a nap. When I wake up, Kate is by the pool knitting. I missed lunch.

When Kate sees me, she says, "There's a plate for you in the microwave."

I'm already enjoying living with such a good cook. I reheat my lunch and bring it out to eat. Kate's knitting group is meeting the next day so she's working on finishing another prayer shawl.

Kate senses my interest in what she is doing. "Would you like to learn?"

"Sure, if it wouldn't be any trouble."

She sets her work on her lap and reaches into the basket beside her for a skein of pale yellow yarn and two thick metal needles.

"Why are these needles so much bigger than the ones you are using right now?" I ask when she hands them to me.

"I think it's easy to learn on bigger needles and the work will go faster as well. It's nice when you are first starting out to see progress."

Kate pulls maybe half an arm length of yarn loose from the skein and shows me how to make the first knot on the needle with the excess yarn hanging down. She then loops the excess yarn with the yarn from the skein to create more loops on the needle. "This is called casting. Every knitting project starts like this. It just depends on what you are making as to how many stitches you need. This scarf will need less than the shawl I'm making."

Kate hands the one needle with the loops to me. "Try adding a couple more stitches."

I add three, and Kate seems pleased. She takes the needle back and shows me how to put the point of the other needle into the loop closest to the narrow end of the needle. Once both
points are in, that first loop Kate pulls from the skein to add another loop, pulling it through the first loop. I watch her work that first row. The stitches move from the first needle to the second needle with each new loop.

"When you finish each row, you just turn the needle and start over." Kate passes the needles to me and watches as I slowly make new stitches. When Kate knits, she barely looks at her hands. Me, I have to concentrate on making each new loop.

"Why are they getting so small? It's hard to even put my needle in the loop," I ask.

Kate leans over to look at my needles "Oh, you're working too close to the point. Make sure to put the needle further through to keep it from getting so snug. If you only work the point of the needle, the loops will be too small to push further onto the needle." To illustrate this, Kate holds up her shawl and slowly knits a couple of stitches.