Stage Fright (20 page)

Val threaded his fingers gently through Jesse’s silky blond hair. He couldn’t find a lump, and Jesse wasn’t acting concussed. Relieved, Val handed over a can of soda. “Put this on your face.”

Jesse raised his eyebrows and winced.
“They only had giant bags of ice. At least this is cold.”
Jesse gave him a lopsided smile and held the can to the side of his face. “Kind of a

dramatic reconciliation, huh?”
“Life with you is always exciting.” Val turned off the light and buckled his seat
belt. “I’d better take you home so you can get some real ice on it.”
He half hoped Jesse would ask to go to his place instead, but Jesse just thanked
him.
The drive didn’t take long. Val made an effort to keep the conversation going.
Jesse had lapsed into silence, and Val didn’t want him to brood over the parking lot
incident. He was dying to know just what the hell had happened, how Jesse had wound
up with that injury, but he was trying not to appear jealous or insecure. So instead he
asked how Chaz had reacted when Jesse had quit and what he was planning to do now.
Jesse answered his questions, though it was clear he was tired. He talked about his plan
to work in a restaurant or maybe a bar and asked about work cards and alcohol
awareness training.
When they pulled up at Jesse’s building, Val turned the engine off. “Is Chris
home?”

The glow from the streetlight illuminated Jesse’s frown as he undid his seat belt. “I think he’s still working nights right now.”
Val didn’t like the thought of Jesse being alone. “Do you want me to come up?”

Jesse bit his lip. “Is it okay if I say no? I feel like I’m going to crash, and you’ve got to go to work, right?’

“Yeah.” Val swallowed his disappointment and nodded. “Put some ice on that first, okay?
“Sure,” Jesse said. He made no move to get out of the car.

Val stared at his knees. “I said some terrible things to you.” He turned in his seat and met Jesse’s eyes. He’d been hurt and angry, but he wanted to put it behind them and move forward. “I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jesse shrugged. “I know me being closeted made everything that much harder. I should have come out a long time ago. At least then we could have publicly acknowledged we were seeing each other.”

Val shook his head. “You can’t do it until you’re ready. Some guys never are.” “I had my reasons.” Jesse paused before continuing. “I was outed in my senior year of high school.” He looked down and fiddled with the can of soda before setting it down by his feet. “It was…rough.”

Val listened quietly. He struggled to appear stoic as Jesse recounted his final year. He was finally opening up, telling Val his story, and a display of outraged anger, even if it was on his behalf, was not what Jesse needed. When he got to the part about Ben Mitchum, he stopped and took a couple of deep breaths as he visibly fought for control. Val rubbed his thigh and squeezed his knee in a silent show of sympathy.

Jesse flashed him a wobbly smile before dropping his gaze to his ragged thumbnail. He worried at the cuticle as he spoke. “And then he shows up in Vegas. The first time I think it was mostly coincidence, but after that I guess it was intentional. All this time he was in denial, hiding from himself, from everyone. Pretending to be something he wasn’t. Lying…” Jesse’s voice gave out.

“If you’re comparing yourself to him, don’t,” Val told him. “You made a conscious decision based on an unpleasant experience. He’s psychologically messed up. Seriously, he’s got some major mental issues. You’re nothing like him.”

Jesse plucked at the seam of his jeans. “Maybe, but I could have explained some stuff to you. I shouldn’t have lied about who he was.”
Val stroked Jesse’s leg. “I’ve made mistakes with you too. I was jealous, but I didn’t mean to give you that hickey, not at first.” He touched the inside of Jesse’s thigh gently. “It made me so angry that everyone but me could touch you whenever they wanted. Then when you lied to me about Mitchum scratching you, I kind of lost it.”
“Val, I don’t want to fight with you again,” Jesse pleaded.

“I’m not trying to pick a fight. I just…” Val stopped and regrouped. “I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I’m just trying to say I’m sorry.”
Jesse covered Val’s hand with his own. “I think we both said things we didn’t mean.”
Val fought to hide his relief. Jesse didn’t have to forgive him just because he’d apologized. But thank God he had. “From now on I’ll try not to be such a jealous bastard.”
Jesse’s lips twitched as he smothered a smile. “You’ve been tested more than most boyfriends are. I guess I can cut you a little bit of slack.”
At Jesse’s words, warmth spread through Val’s body.
Jesse bent his head, looking down at his jeans. “I never wanted to make those changes to my act. I know you didn’t like to see me grinding all over the audience, getting up close and personal with them. I wasn’t too keen on it either.” He shot a quick sideways look at Val.
“I know.” Val squeezed Jesse’s leg again.
“Chaz suggested those changes, and I was afraid if I didn’t agree, he’d tell everyone about me. After all that crap in high school, I didn’t want the others to know.”
Part of him wanted to march back into the theater and shake Chaz till his teeth rattled. Another part of him wanted to shake Jesse for keeping all this bottled up. Letting it eat at him.
Val took a steadying breath. Jesse would never confide in him again if he went off the rails. This was his chance to show he could be a reasonable man. He forced his voice to remain mild. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or even Mike?”
“It was stupid, but I felt like it I had to deal with it on my own.” Jesse’s shoulders slumped. “Except I wasn’t really dealing with it, was I?”
“Something changed, though,” Val said quietly.
Jesse hesitated. “Chaz hinted he wanted me to do something.” His gaze darted to Val’s face as if he was testing Val’s reaction. He licked his lips. “He asked me to accommodate the promotion manager.”
“Accommodate how?” Val’s fingers tightened, and Jesse’s leg twitched in protest. He made an effort to relax his fingers. “Sorry.”
Jesse gave an awkward shrug. He stared at his knees, his body stiff. Val realized Jesse was embarrassed.
“He had no right to ask you,” Val ground out.
Jesse bit his lip. “I wasn’t going to do it.”

“Hey.” He withdrew his hand from Jesse’s leg and gave him a hug. “I know you wouldn’t.”
Jesse allowed the hug, but he didn’t participate. “I’m not a cheater,” he said stubbornly.
“I know,” Val told him. “I never thought you were.”

Jesse’s body relaxed, and he put his arms around Val. “I thought you didn’t trust me.”
“I do.” Val hugged him harder. He did trust Jesse, even if Jesse kept a few things from him. The man was entitled to some privacy; they didn’t have to live in each other’s pockets. “But if something’s bothering you, you can talk to me. You don’t have to deal with everything by yourself.”

Jesse pulled away and looked him in the eye. “So now that you know, are you going to say anything to Chaz?”

Val knew what he wanted to do, but that wasn’t practical or legal. Anyway, the smart thing was to ask Jesse. “I don’t know. What do you want me to do?”
“Since I’m leaving, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Val shook his head. “He could try it again with another dancer.”
“I don’t think so. He’d have to have a closeted dancer who was weak enough to cave to his demands. Besides, I told Brad what Chaz was up to. I think Brad will keep an eye on him. He’s a lot tougher than me.”
Val rushed to Jesse’s defense. “You’re not weak.” He brushed Jesse’s hair off his face. “I think you’ve got real strength. And courage.”

Jesse smiled, obviously pleased. “Thanks.”
They sat silently. Jesse didn’t seem ready to go inside. Val wondered if there was more Jesse wanted to tell him. He waited. An airplane passed slowly overhead, its anticollision lights blinking on and off as it rose into the dark sky. He tracked it, wishing he and Jesse were passengers on it, heading out of Vegas for good.

He cleared his throat. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things—you and me, Vegas.” He withdrew his hand from Jesse’s leg and rubbed sweaty palms on his knees. “I really missed seeing you.”

They’d gone days without being with each other before, but these last two days, knowing they might never make up, that he might never hold Jesse or make love with him again, had focused his perspective. His feelings for Jesse had intensified like sunlight through a magnifying glass.

Jesse gave him a tender look. “I missed you too.”

Val flicked his gaze to Jesse, then down to his hands currently gripping his knees. He forced his fingers to relax. “I told you I moved here for writing inspiration. Remember?”

“I remember.”

 

“I haven’t really been able to write since I arrived. I told you that too.”

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“I think maybe it’s Vegas.” He shot another glance toward Jesse, feeling sheepish. “It does something to people. They don’t behave like human beings when they’re here.”

Jesse shrugged one shoulder. “People want to cut loose in Vegas. It’s a party town twenty-four-seven.”
Val’s breath caught in his throat, but he pushed on. “I don’t like it here. The people aren’t real.”
Jesse’s eyebrows drew together. “What are you saying?”
“There’s an old movie,
The Naked City
. You ever heard of it?” His heart beat painfully against his ribs.
Jesse shook his head, still frowning.

“It’s a detective movie that’s set in New York. We should watch it together sometime. At the end the narrator says, ‘There are eight million stories in the naked city.’” He waited expectantly.

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

 

Val twisted to face Jesse. “I want to move to New York.” He lifted his chin and met Jesse’s eyes. “I’d like you to come with me.”

 

“To New York?” Jesse’s voice almost squeaked on
York
.

 

“I know it’s a surprise, but hear me out.”

Val rambled away about quitting both his jobs, getting rid of his apartment and furniture, driving across the country together as Jesse sat staring at him with his mouth open.

“I’ve got friends in New York. They’d help us get settled. We could live together, find work. I don’t know if you could dance in New York without formal training, but you said you were thinking about working in a restaurant here. Maybe you could do that in New York.” He was babbling now. “Or an entirely different line of work, maybe go to school. Whatever you want. I know it’s a lot to process…”

Jesse rubbed his face, and Val stopped talking. Jesse was tired and hurt, and he was pushing too hard. He slumped in his seat. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to spring this on him.

“If you want to stay in Vegas…it’s okay. You’ve got friends here. You get along with your family, and you’re still close enough to visit them from here. I get that. It was just an idea.”

Jesse tilted his head quizzically. “How long have you been thinking about this?” Val stared at the gas gauge. He’d need to fill up soon. “A couple of weeks. I wasn’t going to say anything, but you don’t have a job now, so I thought maybe you’d consider it. It was just an idea, though.”
“If I said no, you’d stay here? For me?” Jesse sounded surprised.

Val tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace. He’d come to loathe Vegas, with its contradictory atmosphere of sophistication and seediness, its unrepentantly crass larger-than-life attitude, but Jesse liked it here. “I want to be with you so…yeah. Maybe in time I’d get over my writer’s block.” He cupped Jesse’s cheek and stroked his jaw tenderly. Might as well lay all his cards on the table. “I’m not the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, but I do love you.”

Jesse stared at him. He didn’t say it back, but that was okay. Val didn’t want to hear an echo. He’d told Jesse how he felt, and that was the important thing. After the relationship hurdles they’d dealt with tonight, he was pretty sure he would hear Jesse say it at some point in the not-too-distant future. Jesse wouldn’t have allowed him back into his life if he didn’t care about him.

Jesse blinked as if coming out of a daze. He smiled, and as Val watched, Jesse’s smile widened till his face must hurt. “You surprised me. I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that out loud.”

Jesse climbed across the console and tried to straddle Val’s thighs. There wasn’t enough room. They both jumped when the car protested with a short bleat of its horn as Jesse’s butt tapped the steering wheel. Jesse snickered and reached down to the seat controls, sending the seat sliding farther back. He settled with one knee on the edge of the seat, between Val’s legs, and the other balanced precariously on the center console. He held on to the back of Val’s seat with one hand and sank the fingers of his free hand into Val’s hair. Val tilted his head into Jesse’s touch.

“If we drove to New York, we could make a stop at the Grand Canyon, right?” Jesse asked.
Val took hold of Jesse’s hips. He spread his fingers out over the muscular curves of his lover’s butt, reveling in the close contact. Jesse’s body vibrated in his grip, though Val wasn’t sure if it was due to emotion or his undoubtedly uncomfortable position.
He turned his head and pressed a kiss into Jesse’s palm. He refused to get too excited. Jesse might only be asking hypothetically. Still, right now he wanted to give Jesse anything he asked for. “We could visit your parents if you liked, see all the sights on the way. Make it a real road trip adventure.”

“Sounds like a plan. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a story out of it.” It felt as if someone had hooked up a couple of battery cables and jump-started his heart. “Are you saying yes?”

 

“I’ll come with you. I don’t want to be a dancer, though. I’m done with being in the spotlight.”

“In New York you can be anything you want.” Val nuzzled the hollow of Jesse’s throat.
Jesse pulled back and gazed at him, eyes bright with emotion. “What I want is to be with you, and I don’t care who knows it, because I love you too.”
Happiness surged within Val, flooding through him. Jesse leaned in, and Val shifted, stretching up to meet him. At this angle the kiss should have been awkward. Instead it felt like he was coming home.
When they broke apart, Val rubbed his face against Jesse’s chest, breathing in the comforting smell of clean cotton and the familiar scent of Jesse’s soap and skin. Jesse’s heart thudded away, steady and strong under his cheek.
Jesse spoke, and his voice rumbled against Val’s ear. “We have a lot to figure out, but I guess you have to go to work. Why don’t you call me tomorrow when you get up?”
Val raised his head and brushed their lips together. “I should have taken you back to my place. Then you’d be there when I got home.”
Jesse smiled. “Pretty soon I’ll be in your bed every night.”
“Our bed.” Val kissed him again, almost guaranteeing he’d be late for work.
Jesse pulled back slowly. His eyes glittered. “Now I wish you could come upstairs with me.”
Val, his hands still on Jesse’s hips, smoothed his palms over the worn denim as Jesse pushed back into his touch. “They’re not expecting me for a while. I could come up for a few minutes.”
Jesse’s voice was husky. “I’d like that.”