Spud (7 page)

The Guv told us we have the potential to become the greatest under 14A side in the school’s history, but to achieve that we would have to beat the mighty Kings College who we square up against in the last quarter of the year. Unfortunately, he immediately burst our bubble by saying that we have more chance of falling pregnant
via wind pollination then beating Kings. I dunno who these Kings people are but they sound a bit scary.

17:00   Called the folks to tell them about my bowling heroics. Mom said Dad was in the garage and had been acting strangely since De Klerk announced the unbanning of the ANC and the release of Nelson Mandela. They reckon South Africa is about to go up in flames.

Boggo said he heard a story about Rain Man on the radio. (Boggo always listens to the English First Division results over the radio. He’s a rabid supporter of Manchester United.)

Watched The Revenge of the Nerds, which had everyone rolling around on the floor. (Bert even chipped his tooth after headbutting a third year called Guy Emberton by mistake.) Poor Gecko had to remain standing throughout the movie because of his infected bum.

Eerie discovery – Rain Man’s laundry bag is full of dirty clothes. I’m sure it was empty yesterday. His pyjamas, toothbrush and torch are also missing. I could swear I used his torch the other night – somebody must be wearing his clothes! Rambo reckons the culprit is most probably Julian who’s been known to wear other people’s clothing. (On Monday he ran around the showers with Lionel Jarman’s sleeping shorts on his head.)

23:20   Still awake and thinking about Rain Man. Also wondering what will happen to South Africa. What will this Mandela be like? Is he really a communist? (To be honest I’m not quite sure what a communist is, but Dad’s terrified of them.) Took Catcher down to the bogs to read for a couple of hours.

02:15   Earthworm caught me reading in the bogs and ordered me to remake his bed, brew him some tea and
clean his cricket boots.

Back in bed, but can’t sleep because Mad Dog’s snoring. It sounds like a herd of buffalo grazing in our dormitory. I hurled one of Rain Man’s school shoes at him, but hit Simon by mistake. Simon leaped out of bed and shrieked with fright. I quickly pretended to be sleeping and did a fairly realistic snore with my mouth open and just a hint of drool on the side of my lower lip.

08:00   Julian did a beautiful solo of the hymn Abide With Me. His voice is amazing. I confess to getting goosebumps. Reverend Bishop spoke about Rain Man and told the story of the lost sheep and the shepherd. We then prayed for him and his safe return. I put in an extra prayer for Rain Man just in case the big man upstairs wasn’t tuned into Reverend Bishop’s frequency.

21:15   Discovered the disappearance of Rain Man’s pillows. Not sure if I should tell a prefect – I wouldn’t want to rat on somebody by mistake – so I have decided to keep it to myself.

Finished Catcher in the Rye just in time – a great book in my opinion.

22:45   Rambo and Boggo are doing teacher impersonations. If you close your eyes you would think Rambo is The Guv. Boggo enacted a whole scene involving Crispo and his hearing aid; it was wickedly cruel but wickedly funny!

One week since Vern’s disappearance, still no word on his whereabouts.

The Guv invited me over to lunch again. This time we had beef stroganoff – delicious. Once again we drank
wine together and discussed politics and literature.

The Guv reckons De Klerk’s speech was one of the most amazing moments in South African history. He says I should document this moment to reflect on in years to come. I told him I keep a diary. The Guv was mightily impressed and said I was on the path to being a great writer like my namesake. He then said he was anxious to see what Nelson Mandela looked like. (He’s been in prison for twenty-seven years for sabotage.) He’s pretty sure that he will be our next president. I wonder what it will be like to have a black president?

We chatted for hours about Catcher in the Rye. He told me that it was the only meaningful book that Salinger wrote and that the man has become an absolute recluse from society. (I think I will one day become a reclusive writer, marry Julia Roberts and live in a mansion near a swamp.) After finishing a second bottle of wine, The Guv delivered Hamlet’s To be or not to be speech. It was brilliant. Unfortunately, when going on about the mortal coil bit, he swung his arm around and knocked over a lamp which shattered all over his study floor. His wife cleaned up the mess and told me it was time to go. As I was leaving I watched her half carrying The Guv to bed.

17:00   Earthworm gave me finger-tongs with the blackboard duster for continually neglecting my duties. My middle finger feels like it could be broken. I didn’t show any sign of pain despite the fact that my fingers felt like they were smashed. Instead I defiantly stared into Earthworm’s beady little eyes while he was doing it. I think the glass of wine gave me confidence.

Boggo has a dirty magazine but has refused to say where he got it from. We all pored over the pictures of large breasted women in naughty poses and sexy underwear. Rambo told me I was wasting my time looking because I was only a spud and that my only hope
of wanking was with a pair of tweezers. Everybody laughed. I felt the blood rushing to my face and tried my best to laugh along. I then went back to my cubicle in disgrace and felt humiliated.

06:15   I woke up and discovered that Vern’s duvet and pillows have now also disappeared. I couldn’t help but shout out in shock to the others who charged over to my cubicle and then all began arguing over what happened. PJ Luthuli, on a dorm check, overheard the commotion and learned the mysteries of Rain Man’s bed. He shouted at me for not telling him earlier and strode off to find Sparerib.

Fatty told us at breakfast that he had unearthed some interesting stuff in the archives about an English teacher who hanged himself in the chapel in 1944. He says he’ll fill us in after lights out.

The Guv was absent from school today. The replacement teacher Mr Linton looked remarkably like a chicken and told us that The Guv has flu. (A hangover more like it.) Mr Linton told us all about Nelson Mandela (who’ll be released tomorrow). He spoke of Mandela like he was a saint or a god or something, but warned us that any man locked up for twenty-seven years for doing what he felt was right must be pretty pissed off. He advised us not to be scared (chicken), though, and to face the new dawn of South Africa with hope and an open mind.

During drama Eve said that she’d fought all her life for freedom in South Africa and now it was upon us. She warned us of people close to us (including staff) who would try and poison our minds about black people and the new South Africa. She then made us hold hands and taught us the words to a freedom song called Nkosi Sikelele. It was all in Zulu so none of us knew what we were singing. (I have no doubt that Dad would call Eve
a bleeding heart communist.) Rambo refused to hold hands with anyone so Eve asked him to stay behind after class. Rambo reckons Eve is concerned that he’s ‘affection phobic’ and is determined to release him from his inhibitions.

Sparerib took our cricket practice in the absence of The Guv. He looked pale and distracted. What with Fatty, Rain Man, the lion attack, and having a communist for a wife, I’m not surprised.

Reverend Bishop held a candle ceremony for our country. He also lit one for Rain Man and asked God to bless his soul. It seems that even the people of God are starting to lose hope that Vern is still alive. Around the school all the talk is about Rain Man and Mandela – Mad Dog’s dad (Dad Dog) phoned to tell him that the civil war begins tomorrow.

Fatty is still gathering information about the teacher who hanged himself, and said that he’ll only reveal all once he’s satisfied that he’s covered all possible sources. It sounds wickedly interesting. Rambo’s started calling Fatty by the name of Jessica, after the TV detective Jessica Fletcher. I reckon Fatty is trying to string us along with old murder stories and actually has no juice at all.

11:00   Crammed into the common room to watch the release of Nelson Mandela. The huge crowd outside the Victor Verster prison in Cape Town screamed as an old man with a gentle face and a huge smile walked free, holding the hand of his wife Winnie. (Dad says Winnie is worse than Satan.) I felt all choked up with emotion – I couldn’t believe that this smiling old man was really a communist terrorist. Around me the white boys just stared blankly at the screen. Floods of tears were rolling down Luthuli’s face.

Pike suddenly threw a science book at the TV and shouted, ‘Well, there goes the country!’ Luthuli leapt over the couch and grabbed Pike, roughly forcing him up against the wall. For a moment he seemed certain to hit him, but then his body relaxed, he smiled, and went back to his seat. (Let’s hope Mandela will show us whites the same mercy.)

I feel wickedly guilty about being a white person. I’m only thirteen but I wish I’d known about apartheid and fought it like Eve. Rambo said that Eve told him during one of their meditation practices that she was arrested as a student in the seventies.

15:00   Dad phoned in a blind panic. He’s just stocked up with supplies to last a year, nailed the doors and windows shut to keep out the communists, and he’s got his spade ready to dig himself out of trouble like the Jews in Nazi Germany. He’s also fired our maid Innocence who he says might be a terrorist. He then screamed and said the barbarian communists were at the door and slammed the phone down.

15:02   Dad phoned back to say that it wasn’t the barbarians but my mother who was locked out. He warned me that there are communists under every bush and that anarchy is upon us. I told him my drama teacher was a freedom fighter. He screamed and slammed down the phone again.

15:03   Mom phoned to tell me that Dad’s been under a lot of stress lately and not to pay too much attention to his mad ravings. She apologised for not coming to my cricket match but said Dad had been too busy digging a trench in the back garden.

Boggo ran in to supper to tell us that they’ve found Rain Man alive. We rushed outside and saw Luthuli and Sparerib leading Rain Man across the quad towards
the sanatorium. Sparerib’s cat, Roger, followed closely behind with his tail raised like a TV aerial. Rain Man was wrapped in a blanket, his face black and his eyes as wild as ever.

Boggo got the scoop from Luthuli that Rain Man had been found under the crypt. He’s been living there in absolute squalor and scavenging food from the rubbish dump. He would occasionally creep back into the dormitory at night to take things from his locker. Apparently he’d spent the nine days under the crypt with only Roger for company. Boggo reckons the school counsellor, a weird looking man called Dr Zoodenberg, took Rain Man down to the Town Hill loony bin for observation.

Haven’t spoken to Earthworm the entire week. I perform my duties in absolute silence and answer his questions with nods and grunts. He looks wickedly guilty and even offered me a bite of his tuna snackwich – which I gallantly refused.

08:15   Loud shouting interrupted The Glock’s opening prayer during assembly. Gordon Wrexham, a final year matric, had an epileptic fit and then abruptly fell asleep. Nobody seemed overly concerned (apparently this happens regularly). They just laid him out in the aisle and The Glock continued.

The Glock announced that Vernon Blackadder was safe and resting quietly. He also told us rather formally that the school, which has apparently always supported multiracialism and liberalism, welcomed the release of Mandela and looked forward to a bright future for South Africa. Eve led a standing ovation, her armful of silver bangles sounding like a tambourine. A couple of teachers refused to clap, including the frightening Mr
Wade (nickname Norm), Mr van Vuuren and Mr Crispo, who obviously didn’t know what was going on without his non-faulty hearing aid.

The Glock brought the applause to an end with a vicious swish of his academic gown. Like a giant vulture lurking over a carcass, he reminded us that he was still hot on the trail of the banana vandal and that he would not rest until the criminal had been apprehended.

The Guv dropped a book into my lap at lunch. It’s called Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. The others at the table (Fatty, Rambo and Boggo) ragged me about being The Guv’s pet. I dare not tell them about the Monday lunch visits.

Inside the front cover The Guv left a note that read:

22:00   Boggo reckons that Vern’s undergoing brain scans in the nuthouse. He said that in all probability he would be in a straitjacket right now. Rambo then joined in and the pair did a wicked impersonation of Rain Man and a psychologist in the nuthouse. Felt guilty to be laughing my head off.

Innocence, our former maid, has been to the labour court and is planning to sue for unfair dismissal. Dad is in a wicked panic.

11:00   Rambo’s been dropped for Steven George (whose ribs have been repaired). Tomorrow we play Arlington High, a school in Pietermaritzburg that everyone says we should easily beat. The Guv’s warned us about overconfidence. He said if we cock this up then we’ll all be disembowelled with a pair of rusty kitchen scissors. Mad Dog asked The Guv what disembowelled meant. The Guv said he would gut him like a fish – Mad Dog whistled and looked impressed.

Double drama (my highlight of the week) saw us doing improvisations (where you make up a scene and a character on the spot). Boggo was excellent. He pretended he was a drunken doctor trying to amputate Fatty’s left leg. I pretended I was a butterfly collector in the South American jungle looking for a rare specimen. Rambo said he was a sex maniac and chased Eve around who screamed and giggled like a little girl. At the end of the class, in an attempt to vent all our anger and frustration, she made us scream as loudly as we could. Mr Lilly, the art teacher, whose studio is below the drama room, sprinted in with the first aid kit thinking there’d been a horrific accident.