Sprout Mask Replica (23 page)

‘Yes,
my dear?’ I leaned down to hear what she had to say.

The
small girl knotted her fist and punched me in the mouth. ‘What did you do
that
for?’ I asked, clutching at my face.

‘A lady
with blond hair and a bikini top asked me to do it. She said you’d probably be
getting pretentious again. What does
pretentious
mean, by the way?’

‘It’s
none of your business.’ I cuffed the small girl lightly about the head and she
burst into tears.

A large
ugly looking fellow with cropped hair, wearing nothing but tattoos, long shorts
and flip-flop sandals, detached himself from the milling crowd, strode over and
biffed me in the stomach. I folded double, gagging for breath.

I would
have fought back, but I remembered my father’s words, ‘Never get into fights
with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.’

‘Consider
yourself lucky I don’t have me boots on,’ and the large ugly looking fellow,
escorting his now-giggling daughter away.

I lay
awhile groaning in the hope of a good Samaritan. But none happened by, so
presently I upped and took my leave.

I returned
to the hotel to find Litany doing likewise.

‘What
are you doing?’ I asked her.

‘I’m
doing likewise.’

‘You’re
leaving?’

‘That’s
what it looks like.’

‘Does
this mean that we won’t be getting engaged?’

Litany
made the face that said something very rude indeed.

‘Oh
come on,’ I told her. ‘There’s no need for this, let’s go back to your room and
make up.’ I saw the fist coming and stepped aside.

‘I’m
going,’ she said. ‘This was a bad idea. I should never have got involved with
you.

‘Please
stay.’ I was down on my knees again, a most undignified display. ‘I will make
amends for the chap on the pier. In fact, I already have.’

‘What
did you say?’

‘I’ve
already made amends. Well, I have if it’s worked. On the way back here, I made
a wish and cleared my mind. I picked my nose and stuck the bogey on the end of
a lollipop stick, I think it’s done the trick.’

Litany’s
eyes had grown rather wide. ‘What
have
you done?’ she asked. ‘What have
you
wished
for?’

‘I made
a wish that all the poor and homeless in the area would become rich. But that
it wouldn’t involve anyone getting mugged. I imagined all the money that’s ever
got lost or has vanished away and nobody knows where it ever went to. I
pictured all this money coming back from these momentary black holes’ — I was
very
pleased with this bit of. thinking, one in the eye for the bugger in the
dreadlocks and bare feet, I thought — ‘and all this money going to the needy.
Pretty good, eh?’

‘Pretty
good.’ Litany said it in almost a whisper. Then she said, ‘But you didn’t ask
me
about this. You should have cleared it with me first.’

‘With
you?
I don’t understand.’

‘I’m
supposed to …’ She paused. ‘Look, never mind, I’m sure, well, I
hope,
you’ve
done the right thing.’

‘I did
it to please you. I thought it would make you happy.’

‘Yes it
does, it does. All right, look, I won’t leave. Let’s go up to my room.

‘And
have more sex?’ ‘Yes, if you want to.’ ‘Don’t
you
want to?’ ‘Yes, of
course I do.’

But of
course she didn’t.

As we
went up in the lift together I watched her from the corner of my eye. She was
edgy, she chewed upon her hair and shifted from one foot to the other.

‘Do you
need the toilet?’ I asked.

‘No I
do not!’

I
recall shrugging and I also recall thinking,
I wish she wasn’t so damned
difficult all the time.
And then I became aware of the size and shape of
the lift and had to compensate by opening my mouth very wide.

And
then as the lift doors opened at her floor, Litany suddenly smiled and said, ‘Look,
I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult and everything. Let’s call down for some
ice-cubes and a bottle of Tabasco sauce and I’ll show you something rather
special.’

And she
did. Oh yes indeed.

Well,
no, actually she didn’t.

I mean
it’s all rubbish that stuff, isn’t it? I mean what
would
you do with
some ice-cubes and a bottle of Tabasco sauce? Damned if I know.

I could
make something up, of course. Or do it by implication to make you think that I
know all manner of secret sexual techniques. Or I could just stick another
short story in to pad it out to the end of the chapter.

But I won’t.

We went
to Litany’s room. She called down for the ice-cubes and the Tabasco sauce. We
put the ice-cubes into our drinks and the Tabasco sauce onto our roast beef
sandwiches, then she showed me something rather special. It was a mint
condition copy of the very first issue of
SFX
magazine, with the free
gift and everything.

I was
very impressed.

Then we
called down for half a dozen bulldog clips, an ironing-board and a stirrup
pump.

And—
No, I’m lying again.

After a
game of chess, which I lost, because she ‘huffed’ my bishops, which I’m sure
was cheating, we were interrupted by a lot of loud knocking at the door.

It was
the waiter from the Casablanca dining-suite.

‘One
thousand pardons,
monsieur,’
he said, ‘but I regret to say that you and
the beautiful
young
lady must vacate the room at once.

‘Bugger
off,’ I told him.

‘No,
monsieur,
please. We have, how do you say, the
big trouble
downstairs in the
foyer. Many ragamuffins demanding rooms for the night. All with much money
saying they are the eccentric millionaires. We have called for the
gendarmes
to come and hit them with sticks, but we must evacuate the hotel.’

‘If
they’ve got much money, why don’t you just give them rooms for the night?’

‘Ah,
monsieur
has seen through my cunning ploy. We
are
giving them rooms for the
night, at inflated prices.’

‘Well,
that’s fine then.’

‘Fine
for them,
monsieur,
but not for you. We’re giving them your rooms, so
would you and the beautiful
young
lady kindly pack your bags and bugger
off?’

‘No!’

‘Then
regrettably I must call the
gendarmes
and inform them that you have been
having under-age sex with the beautiful
young
woman.

‘She’s
not
that
young.

‘No,
monsieur,
but
you
are.

‘That’s
ridiculous, it’s not illegal for me to—’

Litany
pushed me aside. ‘Let
me
handle this,’ she said.

I felt
reasonably sure I could predict what might be coming and so I took an extra
step aside.

Litany
punched the waiter in the nose.

The
waiter went down onto his bum, with a hand to a gory nostril. ‘Oh thanks a lot,’
he said. ‘That’s really sweet, that is. I’m only trying to do my job. Do you
think it’s any fun having to pretend you’re a bloody French waiter? I’m a
musician, me. I once auditioned to be the bass guitarist with Sonic Energy
Authority, but I didn’t get the lucky break. And now I get a punch in the nose.
Thank you very much.’

I
looked to Litany in the hope she might apologise. But she didn’t. She just
stormed off to the en-suite bathroom and slammed the door behind her. I helped
the waiter to his feet.

‘Look,’
I said, ‘I’m sorry. I know what it’s like being in a crap job. If you really
want to be a musician, I think I might be able to help you out.’

‘Oh
yeah, and how?’

‘What
if I could give you your lucky break? Get you the bass guitarist’s job with
Sonic Energy Authority?’

‘But
that’s impossible. Panay Cloudrunner’s the bass guitarist. He’s never going to
quit the band now they’re so big.’

‘Just
trust me. Leave us in peace and I’ll make it up to you for the bloody nose.
Expect a phone call.’

‘Expect
a phone call? You’re kidding right?’

‘I’m
not, I’m certain I can do it, trust me, all right?’

He
shrugged. ‘All right. But if you can get me into S.E.A., then you’re some kind
of miracle man.

‘Expect
a phone call.’

‘OK.’

He
stumbled off down the corridor holding his nose. I concentrated very hard and
thought,
I wish that young waiter could get Panay Cloudrunner’s job in Sonic
Energy Authority.
And then I recited a poem in my head called ‘Pleased as
Punch’ which I felt was appropriate, and subconsciously untucked my T-shirt and
placed a five-pence piece in my navel.

Then I
went and bashed upon the bathroom door.

We didn’t dine that night
in the Casablanca dining-suite. I didn’t know
when,
or really even
if
the waiter would get his telephone call, but anyway the restaurant was
packed.

It
looked like a new-age travellers’ convention. I had never seen quite so many
dreadlocks or small dogs on strings in one place before. Everyone looked very
jolly though, and they were really tucking into the grub.

Litany
didn’t look best pleased, so I thought it prudent not to mention the promise I’d
made to the waiter.

I
suggested we take a drink at a tavern on the promenade, but it wasn’t such a
good idea. Conversation buzzed all around us about the strange doings of the
day, how all the local homeless had suddenly struck it rich.

Some
folk said that
The Big Issue
had seen fit to award its sales force
massive cash bonuses. Others spoke of wealthy American tourists heaping
traveller’s cheques on folk slumped in shop doorways. There was even wild talk
about a mysterious scruffy chap with bare feet vomiting pound coins. We drank
up and returned to the hotel.

Litany
said that she wasn’t feeling too well and would I mind sleeping in my own room.
I agreed without a fuss. Well, I did go down on my knees and beg a bit, but she
closed her door upon me and that was that.

I took
the lift and then the stairs to my room. It was very small and right up in the
eaves. It put me in mind of my own loft bedroom at home and my thoughts turned
once more towards my evil brother. I would have my revenge upon him and my
Uncle Brian, but for now I was quite exhausted. It had been a long and eventful
day and although it wasn’t ending in the way I might have hoped, I still felt
rather warm inside.

I’d
helped those homeless people, I knew that I had and I felt very good about
that. I settled down upon the straw-filled mattress and went straight off to
sleep.

And I
slept very soundly. I remember that.

But
then I would. Because, after all, from that night on, and for the next thirty
years, I would never sleep again.

TRAVEL
IN DISTANT LANDS

Enough of this dull existence, cried Tom, in a fit of
gin.

I’m off to sail the ocean blue,

Walk till I wear out my shoe,

Bid the foreigner how d’you do, and grow a beard on
me chin.

I’ll drink to that, said Brother Jim, for he was easy
going.

I’ll join you, Tom, if you don’t mind,

The holy grail we’ll seek and find,

And Spanish gold and The Golden Hind, even if it’s
snowing.

That’s not exactly what I reckoned, Tom was heard to
say.

I thought perhaps a day at the sea,

If Aunty May comes down with me,

And we could board with Mr McGee, at his house in
Toby Way.

You dull and dismal fellow, Tom, said Jim as he
sought the bottle.

We’d walk in distant sunny climes,

And drink a very great deal of times,

And possibly commit strange crimes, not unlike
Aristotle.

Though Tom tried hard he couldn’t follow all that Jim
had said.

What has this Aristotle chap

In common with this horse’s crap

That you’ve been talking, Jim old chap, I must be off
to bed.

14

MORE
RADICAL THAN VOODOO

I AWOKE FROM A DREAM ABOUT
TRAVELLING IN DISTANT LANDS, TO
the sound of a knocking
at my chamber door. I yawned and stretched, and farted too, I must confess, and
called out, ‘Yes, what is it?’