Spoiled Secrets (12 page)

              We walk off to finish the day.  That small declaration has my mind whirling with all sorts of thoughts.   But, I mustn’t forget the problem at hand.  How will this afternoon turn out?  That within itself, is a cold bucket thrown on my steamy thoughts.  I’m dreading the meeting later!

Chapter 14

Left….1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10.  Right….1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8.  Left….1, 2, 3,4,5,6.  Right….1, 2, 3, 4.  I can’t seem to stop pacing.  Left, right, right, left, over and over again.  This is going to be a disaster.  I understand mom wanted to officially meet Chase.  I do, I do understand that.  What parent wouldn’t want to meet their child’s boyfriend or girlfriend?  I’ve actually been very lucky so far.  It’s been three months with little to no interference from my parents.  Then out of the blue while at dinner, mom hits me with this.  BAM!! This situation has reached a critical level! 

She thinks it would be a good idea to invite Chase over for dinner, so that he can officially meet them. 
REALLY!
  Did I actually think it could continue on like it has been?  Yes!  She wants him to meet my father!  Let’s just say, this is the last thing this man wants to do.  He could
care less
about meeting Chase. When she asked me to invite him over, I felt like someone was shining a spotlight on me.  I look up from my dinner plate to find my father glaring at me. Terrible….this is TERRIBLE!

Fried chicken, greens, mashed potatoes, and dinner rolls.  The smell of southern cooking lingering throughout the house has my mouth watering.  Too bad I won’t be able to savor the flavors, I’ll be too busy scared shitless.  My mothers’ voice is crystal clear over the intercom, telling me that dinner is almost ready.  I’m starved, but how would I be able to enjoy my meal with so many unknowns staring me in the face.

This is my reality, or it’s better said, this has been my warped sense of reality for the past few months.  No reverent looks from my father.  Mother and daughter conversations, something I dreamed of for years were being had.  Family movie nights, as an actual family!  Perfect!  Too Perfect! 

I should have known the rug would be pulled from under my feet.  I should have expected that this small reprieve would not last long.  But, I was caught up.  I was caught up in living my life.  Caught up being loved and having fun, that I no longer took the time to look at the hourglass of what I call my life. 

The precious sands… my time… my life, were running out faster than I thought. I have been caught up in this alternate universe, this alternate space, this alternate time, that I closed my eyes to the problem at hand.   Unfortunately, reality has a way of realigning itself, sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes….

The reality is…my reality…my past…my future, and my here and now are all on a collision course, and the reverberation from such a collide will shake my already unstable foundation.  This will be catastrophic!

How do you cope with something like this?  When your sanity, meets your insanity for the first time!  Will my sanity look beyond the carefully constructed glamour veil and see the inky sludge of Mr. Insanity’s depravity?  When they shake hands for the first time, will the wrongness that clings to Mr. Insanity like saran wrap, leave a smudge of wrongness on my sanity’s hands?  So that later, when he is in the confines of his own space and time, he can closely examine the wickedness left behind.  A part of me hopes so.  A part of me wishes that he uncovers what no other person has revealed and shines a light on this horrific discovery.  But, another part of me wants these secrets, this wrongness, to be kept hidden.  I can’t fathom the shame of such a discovery.

I’ve worked so hard at discovering me, I’m afraid that this meeting will push Mr. Insanity over the proverbial edge.  I’m afraid he’ll flip and take
ME
with him.  GOD, please don’t let me lose myself again.  Please, don’t let the nightmare begin again.  Will the almighty hear my prayers?  If he has heard my prayers before, he must have turned a blind eye to my situation and a deaf ear to my prayers. It makes me wonder and not for the first time, am I not worthy of his love?  Am I not worthy enough to be helped?

Maybe if I humble myself and fall to my knees to beg for help…maybe, just maybe, he’ll hear me.  Maybe he’ll open eyes that were too blinded to see and ears that refused to hear all my silent pleas.  I’ll be the lowliest of low human beings, if that is what my mighty GOD requires me to be.  I’ll come to him on bended knees.  PLEASE, I’LL DO WHAT EVER YOU ASK OF ME, IF ONLY YOU HELP ME!  So, I drop to my knees, place my palms together and I pray.

“GOD, it’s me.  It’s Amber, can you hear me?  Please give me the strength to endure what is to come.  Please help me!  Why are you not answering me?  Am I approaching you wrong?  Am I praying wrong?  What is it, what’s wrong with me?  Why me?  Why am I the one that have to live like this?  Why am I the one that have to endure this humiliation and abuse?  Why can’t I have a normal life?  Why….why….why?  I have a bad feeling that it’s going to start again.  I don’t know if I can endure this that much longer.  I don’t think I’m that strong.  After months of nothing, and to be expected to go back to all of that madness, it’s ludicrous.  I can’t, I just can’t do it again!  How can you or anyone else expect me to go through this again?  I’m begging you to hear my prayer and help me please!  I’m begging you to hear your child’s cry… to hear me!  Do I not belong to you?  Why are you not listening?  Please, what else am I to do…….PLEASE, JUST FUCKING HELP ME!”

Chapter 15

(Chase Mitchell)

              Am I nervous?  No, not really.  What I am is a little anxious.  Hell, I think that’s one in the same!  I’m ready to get this over with.  Hearing all the little comments from the peanut gallery has me this way.  They have me second guessing this whole situation.  Not the situation between Amber and myself, we’re good!  There is nothing or no one that can have me second guessing what we have.  I’m…fuck it, why pretend, I’m nervous about meeting her pops.

              This man holds the key to me seeing his daughter.  If he doesn’t approve it could make our relationship difficult.  I think I would feel more on solid ground if Amber wasn’t so nervous about us meeting.

              She puts on this fragile smile and throws around this tuff bitch attitude, as if there is nothing wrong.  But, I can see beyond that.  I have always been able to see beyond the mask she puts on for everyone else, I just haven’t told her that yet.  I go along with this charade because there has to be a reason for this small deception.

              I know what my heart is telling me and it’s speaking loud and clear.  There is something not right with the level of nervousness she is exuding and unsuccessfully trying to hide.   I love this girl with everything in me and if I find out anything, or if
ANYONE
is mistreating my girl…I’m going straight HAM on a motherfucker!

              I know I need to calm down.  It’s just the weird smiles, fake mask and Peanuts warning, it all has me on edge.  What I said to Peanut was nothing, but truth, I protect what is mine.  And, Amber has my name stamped all over her.  From the top of that gorgeous head to the bottom of her dainty feet, that girl belongs to me!

              Yes, I know I sound possessive.  I know this, but I can’t envision my life without her in it.  I can’t imagine a future without her.  Mom thinks I’m crazy, she thinks I’m too young.  She thinks that I’m letting my hormones take over, but that’s not it at all.

              I love her!  I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  A lot of people will soon criticize me.  They will say,
what’s the rush? 
The simple fact is, I’m not letting her go!  After graduation…like, right after we throw those stupid ass fucking hats in the air and kiss high school goodbye.  I am going to find my girl in the midst of all that organized chaos and ask her to be mine for life.

              I’m not stupid, I will not run to the church and demand to be married the next day.  No, I have a plan, long engagement, college, and then marriage.  Hell, I’ve already admitted to being a tad bit possessive.  The thing is, that crazy part of me that thinks like a caveman wants that ring on her finger.  This way the whole fucking fucked up world will know that she belongs to me!

*****

              Shit!  This is a big ass house.  This is a perfect house, with perfect cars parked out front, perfect manicured lawn and hedges.  Man, what some people do with their money.  To each, his own, some people like to wear their money; they like to show it off.  On the other hand, you have the ones that are comfortable living in a modest house, driving a modest car, basically living under the radar.  I can’t hate on it.  As I pull up behind Amber’s ride I can’t help, but to think that everything looks a little too perfect.

             
Ring-Ring-Ring

             
“Hey babe.”  My greeting was met with a few seconds of silence before she responded.

              “Hey.”

              “What’s going on Amber, are you okay?”  That funny vibe I’ve been getting from her lately has presented itself once again.

              “No…nothing is wrong.”  Was her stuttered response.  “I’m just a little nervous, that’s all.  This is the first time I have ever introduced a guy to my father.  It’s a little nerve wreaking, that’s all.”

              “Babe, relax!  First, I’m glad this is a totally new experience for you.  I would be more than a little jealous, if another dude was that important to you that you allowed him to meet the folks.  If anything, they should know that by you introducing me to them, that I mean a hell of a lot to you.”

              “That’s what I’m afraid of.”  This was her almost inaudible response.

              “What did you say?”  Maybe, I’m hearing things.

              “I didn’t say anything.”

              “Amber, do you
not
want me to meet your parents?  Your mom seems hell of cool.  So, I don’t see what the problem would be with me officially meeting her.  I know it has nothing to do with your mom, which leaves only one person, your dad.”

              “Yeah, that’s the problem.” she lets loose a non-humorous chuckle.  “Listen, this is the first time I’m introducing anyone to both my parents.  My mom is very excited for today’s meeting.  I’m going to be truthful; my father can be a little bit of an ass.  I just pray that he doesn’t show his ass today.”

              “Sweetheart, don’t worry about it, okay?”

              “Okay.  Are you almost here?”

              “I’ve been parked outside your house since I called you.  I’ll see you in a second, I’m getting out of the car now.”

              “Okay.”  Was her timid response.

              “Amber?”  I waited for her to acknowledge me.

              “Hmmm?”

              “I love you.  I want you to know that no matter how this goes tonight, although, I’m wishing for the best.  But, if for some reason this dinner turns into a giant cluster-fuck, I promise it will not come between us or change the way I feel about you.  Can you promise me the same?”

              “I promise.  Chase, I love you.”

              I chuckle.  “Now, since that’s out of the way, can you bring your sexy ass to the front door to let me into your humble abode?  It’s time I meet the folks.”

Chapter 16

              I’ve done all I can to prepare myself for this meeting.  As I reach my bedroom door to head downstairs the doorbell chimes.  I could lie and say all the praying has calmed my frazzled nerves, but it’s simply not the truth.  My heart skips several beats at the thought of this doomed meeting. 

              I should have been prepared!  I should have known!  But…I was too distracted.  I was yanked back from the top of the stairwell and dragged backwards by familiar talons digging into my scalp.  I let out a squeak of distress.  The reward for my outburst was my shoulder being slammed into my bedroom door.

              “Amber, honey, are you okay?”  My mom yells from somewhere downstairs.

              I knew this could happen.  I knew he would snap soon.  I just didn’t think he would do it now, not with my mom only a few feet away and Chase at the door.  My mind is racing.

              “Amber, darling, are you okay?”  My mom yells up the stairs.

              “Sweetheart she’s fine!  Go ahead and answer the door, our guest has arrived and we don’t want to leave him waiting.”  His grip on my scalp tightens.  “Amber tripped and banged her shoulder against the door.  I’ll make sure she’s okay and we’ll be down in a minute.”

              His voice was so calm and nurturing, as a father should.  The deceptive bastard!  I hear the door open and close.  I hear my mother greet Chase and tell him I will be down shortly.  I hear their steps moving farther into the house and away from me.  I hear nothing now, but my ragged breathing.  I whimper in fear.  I feel the hatred and anger pulsing behind me, like it is its own entity.  Frightened is not the word I would use to describe my current state of mind.  At this point I’m petrified!

              “Do you think this is a game?”  He grits out in my ear.  I say nothing. 

              “Do you think I want to meet some pansy ass motherfucker who’s trying to replace me?”  I remain silent.

              “You better pray this bitch stays on leave because once she returns to work…..”  He grinds himself against my backside. “We have some shit to work out.”

              I tried to tell myself to remain quiet.  But, how long am I supposed to stay his willing puppet?  Yes, I am scared shitless.  Although I’m terrified, I’m near to the end of my rope.  What else can he possibly do to me with Chase and mom here in the house? 

              I want him to know that these last few months have boost my confidence, that I’ve grown stronger, that I am no longer his puppet!  That I will not just lay here and take what he dishes out.  I will not be his willing victim any longer.

              In this moment, I decide that I’m done with cowering from ever blow and every hungry look directed at me.  I am tired of being scared.  I’ve felt my courage building since that day mom announced she was taking leave from work.

              He releases my hair and turns me around so that we’re facing each other.  I try to back away, but he roughly grabs my arm and halts my retreat.  The satisfied look on his face at seeing me like this, looking like his victim, it angers me!  I erupt.

              “I am not your WOMAN, your GIRL, or YOUR PLAY THING!  I am your DAUGHTER!”  I grit out my response.  He has the nerves to chuckle.  “Keep your fucking hands off of me! No more…NO MORE….or, I swear to GOD…”

              I am unable to finish the sentence.  My back explodes in pain as I am slammed into my bedroom wall.

              “Don’t pull that father daughter shit on me!  That shit doesn’t pertain to us or our situation.  The only time you will ever call me daddy is when I’m in you.  When I’m claiming what is rightfully mine.  Do you understand me?”  He is in my face quietly yelling his words at me.

              “You are my
FATHER
, you sick motherfucker!  You think this is cool?  Do you think that what you’re doing is, okay?  It’s SICK!  YOU’RE SICK!”

              I’m panting and also quietly yelling.  I’m frustrated that I have to keep reminding him that I’m his daughter, that his actions are despicable, that what he has forced me to do over the years is, unforgivable.

              “I can’t wait for graduation.  I will be moving so fast and so far from you and this house of horror!  I’ll never look back.  NEVER!  I HATE YOU!”

              At my words he releases me, turns his back and walks out of my room.  I wish he was turning to walk out of my life completely, but I’m satisfied with him just exiting my room.  I’ll take that.

              This is the point when I start to question my mother’s parenting skills, her love for me.  Sadly, not for the first time.  I’m guessing ten minutes has gone by and she hasn’t come to check on me, to see if I’m okay.  Am I okay?  I’m cool!  I’ll survive!  I’ve dealt and endured worst.  But….I just wish…

              Fuck it!  Fuck it all!  Wishing is for little kids.  Wishing is for kids who believe in fairytales, tooth fairies, and the Easter bunny.  Whishing is for kids who look at their parents and envision capes attached to their backs.  Because in their little innocent minds, mommy and daddy are a kickass superhero duo.  Wishing is for sucka-ass kids with sucka-ass amazing, kick-ass, loving families!  Wishing is for the non-inflicted, the innocent, and the lucky ones.

              Wishing is not for a girl who grabs on to every second, every minute, every hour of her unseeing mothers time.  Hoping that the cataract that has inflicted her motherly sight is removed from her faulty eyes; hoping that this removal will give her a miraculous gift of sight into my daily plight.

              So yeah, FUCK WISHING!  I’m settling for hope!