Spirit Horses (6 page)

Hours later he was still at her side when he felt a
gentle arm across his back. Then he heard some familiar voices. It was Helen
and Abby. Terry and Beth Ann were also there standing quietly in the corner. No
one knew what to say. They were all feeling the loss of little Tina, but their
immediate concern was for Shane. It was Helen’s quavering voice that finally
broke the silence. “Come on, Shane, we have to go. She’s gone, there’s nothing
more you can do here. The doctor’s going to give you something to help.” He
barely noticed the needle piercing through the flesh of his right shoulder or
the burning of the sedative as it slowly entered his muscle. It was still some
time before he stood and left the room with everyone
huddled around.

It took all the strength Shane had to make it through the triple
funeral. If it hadn’t been for Jen’s mom, he
probably couldn’t have done it. Helen was a strong woman. Shane had seen that
by watching her through the death of her own husband years earlier. She and
Abby had made all the burial arrangements, and their constant support was the
only thing keeping Shane from going completely off the deep end. He felt so
alone, sad, and angry all at the same time. What had he or they ever done to
deserve this? He cursed at God, screamed at himself, and then turned to the
bottle to deaden the pain.

Helen made the decision to stay on for a while. She
cooked and cleaned, and, in the midst of dealing with her own grief, she tried
her best to console him.

The next couple of weeks were the worst of Shane’s
life. He was not eating much and he couldn’t sleep. He’d taken all of the meds
that the doctors had prescribed, and when they were gone, he depended on
whiskey to help him escape his hell.

Helen was on the front porch when Terry walked up
from the barn and sat next to her. It was 2:30 in the afternoon, and only
eighteen days after the accident. “I wish there was more I could do for him,”
he mumbled.
 

“You’ve done plenty, Terry; the way you and Beth Ann
have taken over running the farm proves what good friends you are.”

“Well, it’s easy to see he’s in no shape to come
back to work yet. You tell him not to worry about the business. All of his
clients understand. I’ll keep their horses worked until he is ready to ride.”

Helen took a deep breath. “I’m very worried about
him, Terry. He hasn’t been out of the house in days.”

“Yes, ma’am, I know what you mean. While you were at
the grocery store yesterday, I came over to check on him. I pounded and pounded
on the door before he finally opened it. It was only one o’clock, he stunk of
whiskey and seemed really depressed. Don’t get me wrong, if I lost Beth Ann and
the baby I’d probably be in the same condition. But the truth is I’m scared
he’s close to a breaking point.”

Helen closed her eyes, “He’s too proud to admit he
needs help. I think we’d better keep a close eye on him.”

“Yes, ma’am, I agree.”

It was late on a Monday, and still only four weeks since the accident.
A stormy dusk began closing in on the farm. Abby had come over earlier and was
just heading out the door to go home. Shane walked her out to her car to tell
her good-bye, when she noticed his speech was a little slurred from the three
drinks he’d consumed since 4:00. Even so, both she and Helen were glad to see
him out. Helen was standing at the door and waved as Abby drove away.

“Hey, Helen,” Shane shouted, “looks like Terry is
working late. I’m going to the barn to help him finish up so he can get home
for dinner.”

Helen was elated at this. “You go ahead, we’ll eat
when you’re done.”

The evening was warm. A low growl of thunder rumbled
overhead as the slight smell of rain lingered in the air. Because of the
impending weather, Helen didn’t question the long Aussie coat Shane put on
before he left the house.

An hour later, the meal Helen prepared was still
sitting on the table getting cold. She picked up the phone and dialed Terry’s
cell to see what the holdup was at the stable. Terry was on his way home when
he answered, “No, ma’am, he didn’t make it to the barn. I left there ten minutes
ago, and I never saw hide nor hair of him.”

Helen got a sick, worried feeling in her stomach.
“Terry, I think you better get back here!”

“Oh shit! I’m on my way!”

It was growing darker by the minute, and the rain
was just beginning to fall when Terry slid his truck to a screeching halt in
front of the house. Helen flew out of the door to meet him as he got out. “Come
on,” he yelled. “I think I know where he is. There is a place I’ve seen him go
to think things over. It’s through the woods about a hundred yards behind the
house. There’s a big hill with an old oak on it. He told me just yesterday that
he and the kids had planned to build a tree house there this summer.” Terry
grabbed a flashlight from his truck and the two walked briskly through the
dark, dampened forest toward the hill.

Shane had been sitting there drinking out of a
bottle for the hour he’d been missing. A bright flash of lightning and a loud
clap of thunder was quickly followed by a drenching downpour as he reached into
his coat pocket and pulled out the nickel-plated
revolver. He gritted his teeth and wiped the cold rain off his face with his
sleeve. “I’m sorry about this everyone,” he said under his breath as he pointed
the .38-caliber pistol to his right temple. His trembling wet thumb clumsily
slipped off the hammer when he attempted to cock it, with every intention to
end his misery.
 
Just then, he felt a
punishing hard thud on his back. The gun went flying out of his hand while he
and someone else were now plummeting down the side of the storm soaked, grassy
hill. He was too drunk to notice when Terry and Helen came up behind him
through the woods. As soon as Terry realized what was going on, he charged in
hard and they both ended up at the bottom of the muddy slope.

As he knelt there huffing, Terry faced up to the
fact that Shane was in much worse shape than anyone realized. It was then that
Helen stomped down the hill and began to yell.

“Damn it, Shane,” she cried, “enough is enough!
You’re going to see the grief counselor the doctor told you about�—�and
there will be no more drinking!”

Helen and Terry looked across at each other, as
their emotions came to a head causing quiet tears to mix with the rain on their
wet faces. With their hearts still pounding and their hands still shaking, they
sat beside Shane to catch their breath. They all stayed there in the storm for
a while, not speaking. Suddenly Shane stood up, and with his head bowed,
sluggishly walked toward the house in silence. There he found some relief by
passing out for the rest of the night on the living room couch.
 

The next day Terry and Helen came down hard on him. “There’s been
enough death around here.” Helen said. “I stayed to help and I’ve been glad to
do it, but I will not stand by and watch another nightmare. You’re not going to
cause more pain to the people who care about you.”

With tears streaming down her face, she grabbed his
shoulders and made him look at her. “Do you think that’s what Jen, Jacob, and
Tina would want? I know my daughter and grandchildren are in heaven looking
down on us, and I know that someday I’ll join them there.” She took a deep
breath and plunged on. “Shane, if you kill yourself, I believe you’ll never see
them again. Think about that!”

Shane’s eyes opened wide; this was a sobering thought.
“I’ve never been an overly religious man, but I do believe in God and that
there is a heaven. I’ll be honest with you, Helen. I can’t understand how God
let this happen to my wife, who was such a good person, and to those two
beautiful, innocent children.” He shuddered with a deep breath, “But maybe
believing we could all be together someday is the one thing that might help me
pull myself together.”

Gaining control over her emotions, Helen gently put
her hand on the side of his face, “Oh, Shane,” she whispered. “I know it’s
true. I just know it.”

He shifted his eyes to the right, and then lowered
his head in shame, “I’m sorry about last night, I know I really scared you.”

Over the next couple of weeks he started seeing the grief counselor,
which helped some. Though he was still drinking he was able to keep it more
under control.

One afternoon a box showed up on his front porch.
One of the kid’s teachers had left it next to the door. Their teachers had
packed up some of Tina’s and Jacob’s papers and projects. He sighed as he read
the note, “God Bless, we thought you might like to keep these for some good
memories.” Shane picked up the box on the way inside. He tried to open it but
couldn’t bring himself to lift the lid. “I can’t deal with this now,” he said
quietly to himself. He finally carried the box over to the hall closet, and put
it on the shelf in the back corner where it would be out of sight.

He continued sticking to his promise about
controlling his drinking and seeing the counselor. Three more weeks crawled by
and Helen began to feel that Shane was no longer a threat to himself. “It’s
good to see the light coming back in your eyes. It’s time for me to pack up and
go back home. I’ve been so busy worrying about you that I haven’t taken time to
deal with my own grief, and I sorely need to.”

“I understand,” Shane said with mixed emotions. The
thought of being alone was still frightening. “I can’t thank you enough for
helping me get through these last several weeks.”

Before she left, Helen made Terry promise to keep a
close watch on him, then she gave Shane a final hug and drove away.

Chapter 5

The weeks gradually rolled into months, Shane finally decided it was
time to wean himself off the antidepressants. He was now finding some solace
with occasional work, but Terry was still doing most of the riding. Shane
couldn’t bring himself to do much of anything
with Sloppy. Although he could tell that the horse was missing the
attention, she was simply a source of too many memories.

Terry was glad to finally see his friend becoming
more involved at the barn. “I think anything you do around horses is good
therapy,” he said with a reassuring smile.

Shane responded by forcing a grin and nodding.
 
Most of the time he would just check out
Terry’s work by riding the horses a few times a week. From this, Shane began
developing a sense of pride in the quality of training his good friend had
achieved. However, his state of mind was still operating on a simple day-to-day
existence, and the concept of time passing by was of little concern. After all,
it had only been a few months since the tragedy and every day he was forced to
deal with the realization that the house was way too quiet and his bed too cold
and empty. Sometimes he swore he could still smell the scent of Jen’s shampoo
on her pillow. The occasional good night’s sleep he did get was usually filled
with dreams of his family, followed by a short, but well-fought battle with an
all too familiar anxiety as he woke to his reality. He had become somewhat of a
recluse, never reaching out for companionship or returning calls of concerned
friends. Although he began working more, he still had trouble putting in a full
day.

The money from Jen’s life insurance was enough to
pay off the farm, which set him up financially for at least the near future.
This allowed him to give Terry a nice raise for the overload he had taken on,
while Shane’s name and reputation kept the horses coming in for training.

The seasons steadily rolled by and Shane eventually realized that his
work had become his only real salvation. Over time he’d gone from barely riding
at all to putting in an exhausting seventy-hour work week.
   

One day as he and Terry sat in the barn taking a
breather, Terry looked from under the brim of his hat and said, “Hey boss, I’ve
never seen you ride so many horses. I can’t believe you took on three more this
month.”

“Yeah, I know,” Shane answered with a halfhearted
smile. “The truth is, it’s hard for me to just sit around. I’ve found its best
if I stay busy.”

“It’s good to see you back at it again, that’s for
sure.”

“Thanks, man, I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

“No problem, boss, I know you would’ve been there
for me if the shoe was on the other foot.” Terry looked down and scratched the
back of his neck.

Shane noticed his friend’s reluctance to continue.
“You got something on your mind?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

Shane sat quietly and waited for his friend to
continue.

“Even though you’re doing better now, I can’t help
but notice you still seem kind of aimless and hollow.”