Spirit Bound (35 page)

Judith’s gaze moved over his face, studying him for what seemed like an eternity. For the first time her fear subsided completely and serenity surrounded him. He loved the way her spirit was so strong, encompassing everything in its path. Sometimes—like now—it felt as if she enfolded him in a blanket of peace.

Her expression changed and she dropped the sheet abruptly. “Come on. Neither of us is asleep. We may as well have some tea.” She scooted out from under the covers, fully expecting him to give way, allowing her to leave the bed.

He couldn’t move. Not when she was dressed in a flimsy, nearly nonexistent lacy tee and small boy shorts that hugged her hips, emphasizing her curves. He didn’t budge, his much larger frame solidly blocking her way. Because she had scooted forward, her body had slipped practically under his. He leaned forward, his chest pressing against her, forcing her to lean back. Her dark eyes went wide with shock, with helpless hunger, desire spilling into her expression. Her generous mouth beckoned him, lips parted, small tongue licking delicately over her lower lip.

He took her up on the offer, such as it was, half hesitant, half helpless. His mouth took hers with relentless demand. Once he touched her, once his tongue sank into velvet heat, he was lost. He gave himself up to the sheer pleasure of kissing her. One arm curved around her waist and he simply lifted her more closely under his body. For one moment, she kissed him back, pouring herself into him, a liquid fire filling his veins, rushing straight to his groin and pooling there in a heated, urgent need.

Judith pulled away, resting her head against the mattress, her eyes searching his. “If we go any further, you know what will happen, Stefan . . .”

He pressed his hand to her mouth. “You’re going to have to call me Thomas for now. If Ivanov ever suspects that I’ve told you the truth, he’ll use you to get to me, and believe me,
moi padshii angel
, it would work.”

“Thomas then. See, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think of that, not calling you by your given name. No matter what I call you, I have to be certain. I don’t trust myself when you’re this close to me.”

“I’d be a fool to let you slip away, Judith.”

“Please let me up. I have to be certain. I can’t make another mistake. You have to admit this is happening way too fast. Doesn’t that bother you?”

Stefan shook his head, his belly knotting tight. She was flight ready. She wanted him, but she didn’t trust herself. She hadn’t trusted herself since she’d made a mistake with Jean-Claude La Roux. It seemed to always circle back to that man. He should have broken his neck and been done with it.

He forced his tense body to ease back and give her room, even when everything in him urged him to hold her tight. “When a man has gone his entire life and never felt an overwhelming natural need—a hunger—to be with a woman, believe me, honey, he doesn’t care that it’s happening too fast. He’s just grateful. I thought I was incapable of real physical attraction, let alone real emotion.”

Judith gingerly eased into a sitting position as he gave way. Stefan stood with a small sigh and took her hand to tug her to her feet.

“You don’t know if it’s real, Thomas. Not when you’re living a lie.”

“My life isn’t real, Judith. It hasn’t been real since I was taken from my family. Funny, I blocked my childhood out, both good and bad, but since I met you, I can remember the way my mother smiled and my father playing with us inside the house, away from prying eyes. He was . . . magical. I can also remember how all that bright red blood turned pink and muddy in the snow when the soldiers shot my father and turned on my mother. My oldest brother fought them. They beat him until he couldn’t move, his body lying over my mother’s there in the snow. I could see his eyes, the anger there, but never defeat. Maybe that’s why I survived, my brother’s strength and resolve.”

Stefan pulled back, shock registering on his face, in his brain. He
never
allowed those memories to surface. He hadn’t thought about his oldest brother in more than twenty years. It had been easier to let go of all of them. As long as they were vague and shadowy somewhere in his mind, far away where he could believe they were safe and their lives hadn’t been as his had been, he remained sane.

He didn’t want the compassion he felt surrounding him, or the sympathy in her eyes. He didn’t need those things. They made one weak. He turned away from her abruptly and paced across the floor, restless energy building fast. At once he felt that soothing presence surrounding him, pushing at him until there was no choice but to surrender.

He stared out her bedroom window, keeping his back to her, shaken by the memories of his family and by the power of her element, the manipulation of his own feelings. Above him, stars glittered against the night sky. Below him, white star flowers waved gently, rippling in the breeze, giving them the same effect as the stars overhead, so that he felt surrounded by the universe, the constellations all around him. The effect was mesmerizing and soothing. She had created a sanctuary, this woman with her amazing talents.

He turned to face her, automatically sliding to one side of the window, his back to the wall while he studied her. He allowed his gaze to drift over her, drink her in, and absorb her. He could look at her forever. He felt as if he was waking up after a long sleep, a hibernation from actual living. He had never participated, only watched from the shadows. Judith, with her brightness, had drawn him out into the light. Exposed him. He stood before her, vulnerable and effectively naked.

She stood tall, her body firm, curvy, that glittering gold chain catching his eye and drawing attention to her tucked-in waist and alluring belly button. Her shiny hair and dark eyes were exotic and intriguing, and all that soft, exposed skin beckoned him. Physically, she was perfect to him, but far beyond that, there was that spirit surrounding him, drawing hope out of him, drawing out things he’d long forgotten or never known.

“Rejecting me is out of the question, Judith. It just is. Obviously, you have no real comprehension of what you’ve done, but that doesn’t exempt you from the consequences.”

A slow smile curved her soft mouth and crept into her eyes. “Rejecting you is out of the question, is it?”

He nodded. Serious. He had nowhere to go after she’d destroyed who and what he’d been for years. There was only . . . Judith. “That’s it exactly.”

“
I
did this?”

He nodded again, knowing he had no control left, not when she’d taken his pride. He was asking her to save him—save his soul—to save that small part of the real Stefan Prakenskii he’d protected for so long. She’d opened the floodgates for love—and for pain. He’d blocked pain for all those years, yet now the memories felt raw and all too real. Close. So close he felt almost as if he were losing his mind. She’d left him alone for four endless days and three nights.

“I can be the man you need, Judith—for anything. I can be that man. You can’t shut me out because you’re afraid of this.”

He needed to hold her to him. There was no out for him. He was in far too deep. He felt as if he’d fallen off a cliff and was freefalling through space without an idea of where he might land. This was the type of woman who would stand by his side no matter what happened if she committed to him. She would stand forever with him. There would be no going back for her either. She had allowed herself the fantasy, she’d even made a few advances toward him, but she was still holding herself in check. Controlled. Careful. Afraid of getting to that place he was already in.

Judith had a wildly passionate nature and she feared to lose the control that enabled her to protect those around her from the ups and downs of her intense emotions.

“You don’t understand, Thomas.” There was pain in her voice. Need. Want.

They both winced when she murmured his false name.

Judith shook her head. “Life isn’t quite so black and white. I can’t always just do whatever I want. I have family I love. People that matter to me. Those women saved my life and made me believe in myself again. They’ve given me hope.”

“As you’ve done for me,” he stated quietly.

Her gaze jumped to his. She swallowed hard. “Before you came along, I felt frozen. I did, Thomas.” This time she said the name firmly. “I felt like there would never be love in my life, not the love of a partner—a man for myself. I had no hope of a family of my own. Children. Laughter. Love every day. And then I saw you and before I could take a breath I was so wrapped up in you I couldn’t breathe. I don’t let people in. I
can’t.
You have no idea how dangerous that can be and I don’t want to make a wrong move. I’m protecting you as well as my family and me.”

He held out his hand to her. She looked so forlorn, unable to take that step toward him. She looked at his hand and tears swam in her eyes. She shook her head.

“I can’t, Thomas. I can’t explain, but you’re better off without me.”

The more agitated she became, the more negative energy filled the room until the walls pulsed with it. At first the heavy emotion battered at him, chipping away his resolve and confidence that they fit perfectly, but as her fears grew, his determination hardened and calmness descended.

“Moi prekrasnyi padshii angel.”
He covered the distance separating them and took her hand. “Locks don’t mean anything to me. I can go wherever I want. It is impossible to shut out a man such as I am. You have no secrets from me. I can’t live with them and you don’t need to.” He kept his gaze locked with her, willing her to understand.

Her eyes widened. Her breath caught in her throat. Dark anger spread through the room. He didn’t let go of her hand, not even when she tensed up and tried to jerk away from him. He kept her shackled to him, while anger spread like a cancer and the floor rippled beneath his feet. The power expanded and the windows rattled. He held on to her and stayed calm, the eye of the hurricane, never moving, never looking away from her.

“Just breathe now, Judith,” he said, keeping his voice quiet. “I’m every bit as exposed as you and we’re still standing.
I’m
still standing with you. Your worst is nothing at all, honey. Everyone gets angry and feels rage and even hatred at times. You’re a spirit element so unfortunately, if those darker emotions get away from you, others can feel them as well. But the emotions are normal. They don’t make you a terrible person.”

Her gaze shifted from his and she looked down, guilt and shame making her shoulders sag. He knew her guilt wasn’t over her rage, or her dark wishes. The shame was because she didn’t have it in her to avenge her brother.

Stefan stepped close to her, close enough to share his body heat without physically touching her curves. He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. “My shame, Judith, is that I’m wholly capable of doing terrible things to other human beings without mercy, without emotion. If you asked me to make this man suffer for you, or to kill him for you, I would get the job done. You wanted a weapon, and I’m standing right here, willing to do anything for you. Sadly, if you asked that of me, it would be the easiest thing you’ll ever ask of me.”

He made the confession looking her straight in the eyes, wanting her to hear, feel and see the terrible, ugly truth of his declaration. She had to know him—the real Stefan—not the fantasy of Thomas. Stefan was a man of action and that action wasn’t always going to be pretty. His training was ingrained in him. He couldn’t be anything with her other than what he truly was. He wanted Judith to see him and fall in love with him, commit to him.

“I don’t need a man to rescue me.”

“Is that what it feels like to you, Judith? A rescue? I don’t mind saying I need you. Can I live without you? Of course. I have for years, but can I sleep at night? Breathe right? Feel happiness? I don’t know, I never felt happiness before so now that I know what it’s like, maybe I’ll have a more difficult time. I want a partnership with you. I want your joy in my life. Your sense of fun. The bright colors you bring to life in me. I think you’re the one rescuing me, not the other way around.”

She pressed her lips together, standing absolutely still, afraid to move in any direction.

“It’s only a matter of time before you learn to control your element. You’re more than halfway there already. You bottled up the darker side, but you know you can’t keep doing that. For one thing, it’s missing from your paintings and you need it. Everyone needs a balance. Once you learn control, why would you need rescuing, Judith? I’m here for myself. Pleading with you to see me, with my soul in my hands, asking you to save me.”

Judith felt her heart turn over. Could anyone fake that look? She’d been broken for so long after Jean-Claude. Shattered inside. Her sisters had glued her back together, but the cracks showed. This man was standing in front of her, baring his very soul to her. Exposing his sins, giving his life into her keeping. Whatever he was, whatever he’d done in his life, there was good in him.

On the other hand, he’d broken into her house, into her locked studio and spied on her. Wasn’t that stalker mentality? How could breaking into her studio in the least be considered reasonable? He hadn’t even shown remorse, nor did she think he felt that particular emotion. She let her breath out slowly in a hiss of need.

She couldn’t help herself. He had never had anyone. The glimpses she caught of his life, the small things he’d told her, were heartbreaking. Someone needed to love this man. She didn’t pretend to herself it would be easy. She wouldn’t be signing up for a fairy tale. He was a dominating man. Levi had the same traits, but Rikki needed her world a certain way and Levi “got” Rikki and loved her enough to give in to her needs and always, always, he was gentle when he pushed her out of her comfort zone.

Stefan—Thomas—wouldn’t have that same motivation. He would give orders and ask questions afterward. Was she strong enough to live with that kind of force? A man who would always push to dominate? A man who didn’t mind getting past locked doors? He would be a force in her life always. He would also be a strong anchor.