Spilled Milk: Based on a true story (19 page)

I threw up my
hands. Arguing with her was like talking to a wall.

“It’s always my
fault huh? I’m the one to blame for this huh, all right. All right.”

She threw her
butt out the window and turned the wipers on to fight the rain that started to
pour from the sky.

“I don’t see
how you can choose a house over your kids, Mom. You love the house, so what.
It’s a stupid house. You can always replace that. You can’t fake happiness,
I’ll never feel safe there. Ever.”

“Then you can
leave, I’m not selling my house, not for you, not for anyone.”

“FINE!”

The argument
had overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t even be open to the
idea of moving. It was a suggestion, not a demand. She didn’t want to hear
about how I felt, or how uncomfortable it would be to live there pretending
nothing happened.

I understood
she loved the house; it was massive compared to the one we lived in on Long
Island. But who would even
want
to live in a house where your own
children were victimized? To me it wouldn’t be just starting over again, it
would be like a constant reminder.

That weekend
Aunt Nikki flew in and stayed the weekend at the house. Mom asked me to watch
the kids while her and Aunt Nikki ran some errands. A few hours later, they
stuffed themselves through the front door with bags of things. “Ohhh what’s
that Mom?” Kat asked, eyeing the comforter set.

Mom and Aunt
Nikki dragged the bags upstairs and by the time they were done Kat and I had
new comforters, sheets and pillows. The curtains were changed and a throw rug covered
the floor. A wall clock and posters were secured to the walls and a lamp was
fixed into one corner of the room.

Without a doubt
Aunt Nikki had paid for everything. Mom must have told her about our argument.
She stood next to me after Mom walked out and patted me on the shoulder. “Brand
new everything, okay hun? No reason to worry, we bought all new locks for the
doors too. He’s not coming back. Hope you like your room, your
new
room.” She squeezed my hand.

It was going to
take more than a few new sheets and a throw rug to mask the memories in this
room. Mom just didn’t get it. I walked past her bedroom and peered inside. She
still had all the same bedroom things. How could she sleep in there knowing
what happened?

I tried to look
forward to going back to school but I still didn’t figure out how I was going
to face everyone. I finally got a parking pass earlier that year and was
thankful I didn’t have to ride the bus. I parked as far away as I could and
watched everyone file into the school.

Paul got out of
a red Saturn halfway across the parking lot. Out of the driver’s side stepped a
beefy blonde girl named Lea. She was okay looking, but her personality was
vile. She chewed tobacco and made it a point to sleep with everyone on the
guy’s soccer team. If sex is what Paul wanted, he was certainly going to get it
from her. I dabbed on some chap stick and took a deep breath.

“BROOKE! Oh my
gosh!” Cristin flung her arms around my neck and circled around me. “Are you
okay? What happened to…”

My feet left
the ground as Judd charged at me from across the hallway and scooped me into
his death grip. “Judd…Brooke can’t breathe!” I tapped his shoulder and laughed
at his warm welcome.

“There is
nothing funny about you disappearing. Nothing.” He set me down and his eyes
burned into mine.

“Judd, I’m
sorry, I-”

“Brooke ghostly
Nolan, can it be true?” Sonia flashed me a quick smile before wrapping her arms
around me. “We were so worried, you okay?”

I managed to
shake my head. I didn’t know who to talk to first.

“Get to class! Let’s
go, two minutes till the bell!” A hall monitor swept through the corridor.

Judd grabbed my
hand. “I’ll walk you to class.”

“But your class
is on the other side of-”

“I don’t care.
Come on.”

He steered me
through the hallway and I listened to him tell me how worried he was and how he
couldn’t believe I wouldn’t return one message.

“I mean, is it
true, what your dad did?”

I flung him by
the arm and faced him. “Who told you my dad did anything?”

Judd’s eyes
widened. “Listen if it’s just a rumor it’s okay. People were just worried.”

“Judd, TALK!”
My grip tightened on his upper arm.

“Wow okay easy
muscles.” He moved my hand down. “Some of the cheerleader girls were saying
stuff. Some of their mom’s work in the front office, they said they got some
paper saying that if he showed up to the school they had to call the police.”

Oh my God.

“They only told
a few people. I mean I don’t know who knows anything. You still haven’t told me
what’s going on?”

A silvery voice
from behind me made my heart skip. “Well, I see you’ve settled in easy enough.”

Paul was
standing feet from my face when I turned around. I followed his gaze to my
hand, which was still interlocked with Judd’s arm in my attempt to make him
talk.

Paul nodded.
“Right. See you later.” He turned and started down the hallway.

“Wait, Paul!” I
let go of Judd’s arm.

“Judd I’m
sorry, we’ll talk at lunch okay?” I called over my shoulder. Paul quickened his
pace. “Paul, will you wait?”

“Why? You
obviously didn’t.” He blew through a group of girls.

“I’m sorry, can
you just wait?” I called after him. “Paul. Wait.” I reached out for his arm and
he stopped, pulling his arm away.

“Don’t touch
me. Don’t ever touch me again.”

“Paul, please, what
did I do that made you so-”

“You’re
disgusting. I bet everything that everyone is saying is true, and I had to hear
about it through half the cheerleaders. I had no idea, I mean I thought things
happened when you were little not…” He ran his fingers through his hair and
shifted his eyes. “I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole. Don’t ever talk
to me again.”

I watched, open
mouthed, as he disappeared into the sea of people around us.

In homeroom I
buried my face in my arms and tried to control the tears that were brimming
around my eyes. I didn’t call out with the teacher called my name for roll, and
I didn’t look up when she asked us to take out our books. Paul’s voice echoed
in my head all morning.
You’re disgusting. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten
foot pole.

My stomach was
uneasy as I tried to avoid contact with everyone all day. I skipped lunch and
found a quiet spot under the bleachers in the gym. I moved through the motions
just to keep up an appearance.

Fourth period
my chemistry teacher put on an episode of Law and Order to show the forensic
side of chemistry. The storyline was of a girl who got raped in Central Park.
Halfway through I got up, suddenly nauseous, and bolted for the classroom door.
I made it ten feet before Mr. Salorski’s voice was behind me. “Brooke? Brooke
just a minute.”

I turned
around, unsure if I was going to lose what little breakfast I ate that day in
the middle of the hallway.

“Look uh, I
heard some things, you know. And I didn’t want to single you out, but maybe I
should have since I know what you’re going through is probably very sensitive.”

Please, God,
why.

“I’m okay with
you spending the rest of the period in the guidance office if you want. You
don’t even have to come back to class. I’ll send Cristin to the office with
your stuff after this period.”

I nodded and
forced a “Thank you” before turning on my heel. I heard the classroom door
click behind me and I raced past the bathrooms. I moved through the stairwell,
down the old east hallway and out through the parking lot double doors. I
didn’t stop when I heard a hall monitor call after me, or when she radioed for
someone as I raced towards my car.

I needed to
talk to someone. I had to get out of there. I reached my car and turned the
engine, ignoring the flailing arms of two hall monitors who had followed me
outside.

“Gina, I hope
you’re home,” I said to myself, and watched the high school disappear into a
blur behind me.

***

It took a week
or two before I was able to snap out of it enough to get caught up on some
school work. Just when I started to get into a routine of going to all my
classes again, more court dates rolled through.

Heather was my
designated Victims Advocate. She was in charge of making sure I understood what
was going on during the court proceedings and looked after my best interests. I
listened to her rattle off information about our PFA was but I was having a
hard time concentrating. Basically it was just a piece of paper that said Earl
couldn’t come near anyone in the family, otherwise we could call the police and
he would be arrested on the spot. I secretly hoped he would violate the order
just so I didn’t have to worry about him running around while they conducted
the investigation which seemed to be taking forever.

We stepped off
the elevator and Heather stopped in front of the first door on the right.
“Okay, you ready to go inside? Any questions?”

I shook my
head. All I had to do was listen to what the judge said and maybe answer some
questions. It seemed pretty straightforward.

Heather pulled
open the door and whisked her hand motioning for me to go ahead. We sat on a
bench behind a strawberry blond guy dressed in an expensive looking suit. He
half smiled at me when he saw me sit down. “That’s your lawyer, he works for
the D.A’s office,” Heather whispered.

The door
creaked open and I opened my mouth when Earl walked in. I reached out for
Heather’s hand so fast I startled her. “What’s he doing here?” I hissed. A
large jolly man with a very round face bobbled in behind him.

“He’s here for
the hearing too,” Heather said. “It’s all right. There are guards.” She pointed
toward the judge’s seat and a uniformed guard eyed Earl as he sat down. I
relaxed a little.

When the judge
walked in everyone stood up and I was surprised to see it was a woman. TV
always showed male judges. We sat down and I listened to my lawyer and tried to
follow what he was saying. After a few minutes, the judge looked at me.

“Brooke Nolan,
please take the stand.” She turned over a piece of paper in front of her.

The stand?

I thought I
would have to answer a question or two from my seat. I looked at Heather and
she nodded. The judge pointed to a seat next to the judge’s stand. “Up here, if
you please, Brooke.”

In a daze I sat
down and was sworn in. “It states here on the report you filed with police that
you had been molested by your father in the state of New York, is this true?”

I nodded.

“Is this true,
Miss Nolan.” Her voice was icy. “Please speak up.”

“Oh. Yea,
that’s true.”

“Yea?” The
judge raised an eyebrow. “Very well. Can you also tell me what happened between
you and Mr. Nolan after moving to Pennsylvania?”

I looked at the
paper in her hand. She had the police report right in front of her, couldn’t
she just read what I wrote? Embarrassed again, I fumbled trying to say the
words:
rape, penis, vagina
.

“Do you
remember what you wrote, Miss Nolan?” The Judge narrowed her eyes at me.

A wave of
regret washed over me the second I looked up and my eyes met with Earl’s.
How
am I supposed to do this? This judge sitting here is the definition of
sophistication. I have to sit in this wide, open court full of people I don’t
even know and say that I was raped? Who is this jolly fat man behind Earl? Who
is the man sitting beside the judge? Why is the officer staring at me?

I looked up, blinking
hard. “I was um. It’s hard to…”

“Miss Nolan I
need to know if anything happened between you and Mr. Nolan after your family
moved here to Pennsylvania.” She tapped a long fingernail.

“I think it was
um, I was…it was rape.”

“You
think
you
were raped?”

“No. I mean,
yes. Yes, I was raped.” My voice trembled above a whisper.

The judge
sighed. “Brooke it says here you claim you were raped twice by Mr. Nolan after
moving to Pennsylvania, is that true?”

Geeze, much
better. Yes or no questions please!

I nodded, the
judge stared.

“Yea. I mean,
yes, yes ma’m.”

“All right.”
She shuffled through papers and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “That’s all Miss
Nolan, you may step down.”

My pace
quickened as I approached Heather and for a second I was terrified Earl would
stand up and try and grab me. “Do you want to go out, get some fresh air?”
Heather said, studying my face. I nodded.

I dangled my
feet in a chair outside the courthouse and sucked in several deep breaths.
Seeing Earl sitting right there in front of me as I struggled to tell the court
what happened was over the realm of terrifying. His eyes dug into me even when
I didn’t look up, I could feel them.

Heather
escorted me into her office and sat down with my mom and I. “The judge has
ruled in your favor. You have a PFA order that doesn’t allow David to come
within two hundred feet of anyone in your family. He can’t call you, text you,
or otherwise have any contact with any members of your family. If he does, just
contact the police and they’ll be there as soon as they can.”

“I mean, this
won’t stop him from trying to come into the house or anything.” I felt nervous
at the idea. “It’s only a piece of paper.”

“It
is
only
a piece of paper. But if he’s stupid enough to violate it, it means he goes to
jail sooner than later. Just keep on the lookout if you really feel he’ll try
to get near you.”

It didn’t help
that the local fair started that week. Judd begged me to go and I was a
hopeless wreck looking over my shoulder every two seconds. “It’s all right Brooke,
I got you.” He pulled me closer to him. My cell phone rang and I pulled it out
of my pocket.
MOM
flashed across the screen.