Spellbound (13 page)

“So what are you thinking?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel.

I thought: Had it been Cal? Had he been trying to kill both me and Hunter at the same time? Had he cut Hunter’s brake line as well? But why would he do it mechanically instead of with magick? Was I being a complete and total idiot by not telling Hunter that I’d seen Cal? I was so confused.

 

Alyce fed us lunch in her small apartment. I hadn’t realized I was hungry until I smelled the beef stew that was filling the rooms with its rich scent. Hunter and I fell on it, and Alyce watched us, smiling. She sat at the table with us, not eating but sipping from a mug of tea.

“I’ve been considering your request for a
tàth meànma brach
,” she said as I took a second slice of bread. “It’s a serious thing, and I’ve given it a great deal of thought.”

I nodded, my heart sinking at her tone. She was going to say no. I saw a glance pass between her and Hunter and felt my appetite fade away.

“You know, it can be very difficult,” Alyce went on. “It would be very draining, both physically and emotionally, for both of us.”

I nodded. I had asked too much.

“But I understand why you want to do this, why you asked me, and why Hunter also thinks it’s a good idea,” Alyce said. “And I’ve come to agree. I think that you’re a target of Selene’s group, and I think you need more protection than others can provide for you. The best kind of protection comes from within, and by joining with me and learning what I know, you will be much stronger, much more capable of defending yourself.”

I looked at her with hope. “Does that mean—”

“You’ll need to free yourself of as many mental distractions as you can,” Alyce said gently. “And there are some ritual preparations you’ll need to make. Hunter and Sky can help you with them. Let’s do it soon—the sooner the better. Tomorrow evening.”

 

Back in Hunter’s car, on our way to my house, I could hardly sit still. The idea of being able to absorb all of Alyce’s considerable learning, all in one day, was exhilarating and nerve-racking.

“Thank you for speaking to Alyce for me,” I said. “Encouraging her to do the
tàth meànma brach
.”

“It was her decision.” He sounded remote, and I felt a surge of frustration about our relationship. It struck me for the first time that Hunter and I were similar, and that was why we clashed so much. With Cal it had been clear, easy—he had been the pursuer and I the pursued, and that had worked well with my shyness and insecurity. But both Hunter and I would be more comfortable if the other person were taking charge. At this point I had to assume there was some reason why we had kissed each other, and not just once or twice. Hunter wasn’t the kind of person who would do that lightly, and neither was I. So what were we doing? Were we falling in love?

I have to lay myself on the line, I realized with a flash of perfect clarity. If I want to go deeper with him, I have to open myself to him and trust that he doesn’t want to hurt me. And I do want to go deeper with him.

But first . . . but first I had to tell him about Cal. It was too huge a secret between us. Nor was it my secret to keep. Hunter was in danger from Cal as much, maybe even more than I was. I would have to tell him and hope that he wouldn’t let his emotions overtake his good sense.

I swallowed hard. Do it, I told myself. Do it!

“I saw Cal last night,” I said quietly.

Next to me Hunter went rigid, his hands clenching the steering wheel. He glanced quickly right and left, then swung the car onto a dirt road that I hadn’t even seen. We bumped over rocks and frozen mud before coming to a halt about twenty feet off the main road.

“When?” Hunter demanded, turning off the engine and facing me. He unclipped his seat belt and leaned toward me. “When?” he repeated. “Was it when I saw you on the road?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “It wasn’t a deer I saw. It was Cal. He was standing in the road, and he held up his hand and my car went dead.”

“What happened? What did he do to you?”

“Nothing. We just talked,” I said. “He said he came back to Widow’s Vale to be with me. He told me he’s broken away from Selene.”

“And you believed that load of crap?” Hunter exclaimed. His eyes blazed.

My chin came up. “Yes.” His contemptuous tone made me feel small, hurt. “I did
tàth meànma
with him. He’s telling the truth.”

“Goddess.” Hunter spat out the word. “How could you be so bloody stupid? You’ve done
tàth meànma
with him before, and he still managed to fool you.”

“But I controlled it this time!” I cried.

“You
think
you did. Why did you lie to me?” His eyes narrowed. “He
has
put a spell on you!”

Remembering how it had felt when Cal had put a spell on me made me shiver. “No. I just—I had just told you about his witch message, and you freaked out, and I thought if I told you he was right there, you guys would—would fight, and it made me sick to think about.”

“You’re damn right I freaked out!” Hunter said, raising his voice. “Good God, Morgan, we’ve been looking for Cal and Selene for three weeks now! And all of a sudden you say, guess what? I know where he is! I mean, what the hell kind of game are you playing?”

I hated the way he was looking at me, as if he were questioning his trust of me—if he had ever trusted me at all, and to my horror, I started crying. I don’t cry easily in front of people, and I would have given up a lot to have not cried then, but everything crashed down on me all at once, and I crumbled.

“I’m not playing games!” I said, dashing my tears away. “I’m just confused, just human! I loved Cal, and I don’t want you two to kill each other!”

“You’re not
just
human, Morgan,” Hunter said. “You’re a witch. You have to start living up to that fact. What do you mean, you loved Cal? What has that got to do with anything? He tried to kill you! Are you stupid? Are you blind?”

“It wasn’t all his fault!” I yelled, seeing the blazing fury in Hunter’s eyes. “You know that, Hunter. He grew up with Selene for eighteen years. What would you have been like in that situation?” I took a couple of quick, hard breaths, trying to get hold of myself. “I’m not blind. Maybe I am stupid. Mostly I’m just confused and scared and tempted.”

He narrowed his eyes, seizing on my words like a snake does a rat. “Tempted? Tempted by what? The dark side? Or by Cal? Is that it? Are you saying you still love him?”

“No! Yes! Stop twisting my words! All I’m saying is that I loved him, and I thought he loved me, and I haven’t forgotten that!” I shouted. “He introduced me to magick. He made me feel beautiful!” I abruptly shut up, breathing hard.

Heavy silence filled the car. I sensed Hunter striving to rein in his anger. What am I doing? I thought miserably.

Then his face softened. I felt his hand at my neck, brushing my hair back, stroking my skin. My breath caught in my throat, and I turned to him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. My skin felt like it was on fire where his fingers passed over it.

“What do you want? I know you were happy with Cal, and I want you to be happy with me. But I’m not Cal, and I never will be,” he said, his face close to mine. His voice was soft. “If you want me, then tell me. I need you to tell me.”

My eyes widened. Cal had always been almost forceful, the one who decided, cajoled, seduced. Why was Hunter asking me to make myself vulnerable?

As if reading my thoughts, he said, “Morgan, I can tell you and show you what I want. But if
you
don’t know what you want, I don’t want to go there.
You
need to know what you want, and you need to be able to tell me and show me.” His eyes were wide, vulnerable, his lips were warm and close to mine.

Oh my God, I thought.

“It’s not enough for you to let me want you,” he went on. “I need you to actually want me back and to be able to show me that. I need to be wanted, too. Do you see what I mean?”

I nodded slowly, processing a hundred thoughts.

“Can you give me that?”

My eyes felt huge as I wondered if I could—if I was brave enough. I didn’t speak.

“Right, then.” He pulled back, my body saying, no, no, and then he started the car, carefully backed up, and we went back to Widow’s Vale. In front of my house he stopped and turned to look at me again.

“I have to look for Cal,” he said. “You know that, don’t you?” I nodded reluctantly. “Don’t hurt him,” I said in a near whisper.

“I can’t promise that,” he told me. “But I’ll try. Will you think about what I said?”

I nodded again.

Hunter took my chin in his hand and kissed me hard and fast on the mouth, not once but again and again, hungrily, and I made a little sound and opened my mouth to him. Finally he pulled back, breathing hard, and we looked at each other. He put the car into gear again. I climbed out in a daze and headed up my front walk.

11

 

 

On Sunday, I once again skipped church and tried to ignore my mother’s disapproving looks. She and my dad tried to talk me into meeting them for lunch at the Widow’s Vale Diner afterward, but I was fasting to purify my body for my upcoming
tàth meànma brach
with Alyce, so I declined. Instead, I stayed in my room, meditating. Alyce had recommended that I spend at least three hours meditating on the day of the ritual to cleanse my spirit and my psyche of negative patterns and clutter, for lack of a better word.

By eleven o’clock, I was starving. My stomach cried out for Diet Coke and a Pop-Tart, but I resisted, feeling virtuous.

At noon I’d just pulled out my altar when Hunter called. He told me in a neutral way that he’d gone to Cal and Selene’s old house and one or two other places to see if he could find Cal, but he’d had no luck. “I know he’s been there—I can feel traces of him,” Hunter said. “But everywhere I go, he’s moved on, and I can’t tell where he’s gone. I didn’t think he was skilled enough to hide his trail from me once I’d picked up a trace of him, but he seems to be.”

I decided it was time to change the subject. “I can’t believe the
tàth meànma brach
is tonight,” I said. “I’m kind of nervous. Should I be?”

“Yes,” Hunter said. “But come over to my house at three, and we’ll help you get ready. You’ve got to drink the tea, then take the ritual bath so that you’ll be fully cleansed. And you’ll need to wear a green linen robe—Sky’s got one. Tell your mum and dad you’re having dinner with us and you won’t be home until fairly late.”

“Okay,” I said, feeling scared and uncertain.

His voice softened. “You’ll be all right, Morgan,” he said. “You’re strong. Stronger than you know.”

After we said good-bye and hung up, I went back to my room. I opened a spell book that Alyce had loaned me and began to read through the purification spell she’d marked, but my stomach kept distracting me. All of a sudden, when I was trying so hard not to think about food, I had a realization: my brain was still incredibly cluttered with Cal. I thought about him, wondered about him, dreamed about him.

Then I realized I had to talk to him, find out once and for all where we stood. I had to put all my feelings toward him to rest or I would never be able to move forward, and I couldn’t take part in the
tàth meànma brach
. I had to get closure somehow, put an end to all my confusion about him.

I knew I was doing something that could be dangerous. But I also knew I had to do it. Before I could change my mind, I drove over to the old Methodist cemetery, the place where my former coven, Cirrus, had celebrated Samhain. The place where Cal had kissed me for the first time.

It was another clear, cold day, sunny with a wintry brightness and almost no wind. Sitting on the old tombstone we had once used as our altar, I felt almost shaky with nervousness and adrenaline and lack of food. Would Cal come? Would he try to hurt me again? There was no way to know except by calling him. Closing my eyes, trying to ignore the rumbling of my stomach, I sent a witch message to him.
Cal. Come to me, Cal.
Then I sat back and waited.

Before, when I had called Cal, he had usually come within minutes. This time the wait seemed endless. My butt had turned numb on the cold stone before he appeared, gliding silently between the overgrown juniper trees. My eyes registered his appearance, and I was glad it was broad daylight and that I wasn’t alone on a dark road.