Southern Fried (33 page)

rolled down, the air hitting my face. I smiled. If they were playing

to my weakness, then I was playing to theirs. And the biggest

kink in their chain was Port.

Billy Ray knocked on his door not fifteen minutes later,

wearing his usual Daisy Duke’s and nothing more than a beguiling

smile. In his hands he held the peanuts, three bags in each, the

brandy bottle sitting by his foot. Port opened the door, naturally

expecting us. “Surprise, surprise,” I whispered from behind a

wide, old oak, our car out of sight, Jeeves behind another oak

to my side. I looked to my partner in crime and shot my thumb

up in the air. “This will be his easiest sale ever,” I said, also in a

whisper.

In fact, it was. All six bags and the bottle of peach brandy.

That and a number on a piece of paper handed to our lithe, little

friend before the door was closed and Billy Ray made his way

back toward us. He jumped behind my tree and smiled big and

wide. “Seems he’s a fan of my nuts,” he said.

Welcome to the club
, I thought. I shook his hand and told him

thanks. He wasn’t mad that he had to find his own way home.

And with the money I’d given him, he could afford to close up

shop for a good week. Then it was our turn, making sure Port

had little to no time to sample the goods he’d just bought. We

knocked and he opened the door. “What took you so long?” he

asked, gruffly.

“It took me some time to find the birth certificate,” I told

him. “Now let’s go.”

southeRn FRied
217

He shook his head. “No need. Everyone’s coming here.”

Which made sense, I supposed. I mean, with all the illegalities

about to go down, better if they took place away from Robert

E.’s house. Screw the son, right? After all, it seemed like everyone

else was. So we were ushered in and told to have a seat in the

living room.

A highly uncomfortable half an hour later, we were joined by

Robert E., the senator, a smattering of body guards, Beau, and

half the mansion staff: Zeb, Pearl, Jake, and Stella. Which made

Port’s humble apartment a rather tight fit. Beau, of course, was

the least happy to see me and Jeeves.

“I told you to go back North,” he said, with a tight grimace.

“What, and miss this joyous reunion?” I replied, smugly. Then

I put the second part of my plan into action. Before Robert E.

could ask for the document I didn’t have, I lifted my nose up into

the air and asked. “Are those boiled peanuts I smell?”

Jeeves chimed in next. “Looks like Billy Ray’s,” he fairly

moaned. “Best damn boiled peanuts in South Carolina.”

The guards took the bait first, both of them grabbing for a

bag. “Salted for me,” I said.

“Same here,” said Jeeves.

The guards turned to their bosses, who shrugged. “Fine, but

be quick about it. We don’t got all day for this. Besides, I’m half-

starved myself.”

We took our two bags from the guards, the other four were

shared between the Pellingham gang. The Jackson side of things

looked at us like we’d done lost our marbles, and stood behind

me and Jeeves. Though, of course, nobody passed up Billy Ray’s

nuts. Because, yes, they were that stellar. But the peach brandy,

was only poured for their side. We abstained. After all, we all

knew what was in it.

“Now, down to business,” said Robert E., half the nuts eaten,

all the brandy drunken. “Hand over the birth certificate.”

Beau snickered. “This I’d like to see.” Thankfully, I don’t

218 Rob Rosen

think they heard him. Not over all the yawning coming from

their side of things.

“Um,” I hemmed and then hawed. “We’ll give it to you at the

airport. You understand. Just trying to keep things on the up and

up.” I held up a folded piece of paper I had in my pocket. “We’ll

give it to you before security.”

“Yeah, right,” whispered Beau, who quickly got a poking in

his ribs from Stella.

The guns came out next. Theirs. We, sadly, only had our wits

about us to use as weapons. Scary as that sounds. “Now,” said

the eldest Pellingham, who up until then had been silent. “Hand

it over, boy.”

I looked at him, then to his son, then to his grandson. What

a dynasty, right? Though it was then I remembered something

Jeeves had said. I held up the folded piece of paper and nodded

at Robert E. “Did you really love my mama?”

His gun quivered in his hand, his eyes going just a tad droopy.

“She was a beautiful woman, your mama was.”

I frowned. “Yes, yes she was. Though I’ve only ever seen her

in pictures, you know.”

His frown mirrored my own, hanging low on his face. “I, uh,

I know.” He sighed. “It was such a terrible accident.”

Which meant that another one of my hunches was proving

correct. “So you did love her,” I said. “And if Walt here didn’t

fiddle with their car, and you didn’t fiddle with their car…” My

face turned to the eldest of the family. “… then who do you

think did?”

As loopy as he appeared to be getting, his face also turned in

that direction. “Pa?” he said. “You told me you were in Charleston

when the accident happened.”

The senator, shaking his head, the cloud of tranquilizers

apparently making its way to his brain, replied, “That girl was

nothing but trouble, Robbie. Her and her mama would’ve ruined

our family name.”

southeRn FRied
219

Robert E.’s gun got lowered. “No,” he whispered, hand

trembling.

I cringed, a knot forming in my belly that could’ve docked an

oil tanker. “Yes,” I groaned. And, at last, the truth has come out.

Though it hadn’t set me free. Figuratively speaking.

Then the first guard went down in a heap, body crumpling in

on itself. The second guard turned to help the first, but his eyes

quickly rolled back inside his head, and then he too was a lump

on the floor. “The peanuts,” Port managed, just before he keeled

over.

“And the peach brandy,” I tossed in, just as the other two

Pellinghams went down for the count.

“Huh,” Stella said. “Reminds me of a riddle.”

Jake snickered. “How many horse tranquilizers does it take to

do in a family of lousy Republicans?”

She shrugged. “Oh, you’ve heard that one already?”

Zeb walked over and gave me a bear hug. “Thanks for

rescuing us,” he said. “And, um, and sorry for what you just went

through.”

Jeeves nodded. “I… I really thought it was an accident. He

loved her. I knew he did.”

My heart thumped in my chest, a tear welling up. “But not as

much as the senator loved his good name. Or that mansion he

sleeps in. And not like we have proof, anyway.”

Beau moved for the door. “This is just a temporary reprieve,

assholes. When they wake up, they’re gonna be twice as pissed

as before. You should’ve left when you had the chance. Because,

evidence or no evidence, we’re all dead now.”

“Wait,” I yelled as his hand clamped down on the doorknob.

“Please don’t go. You’re all wrong about us, about me. Granny

purposely kept us all apart. She was trying to protect us from

them.”

He shrugged and turned the knob just the same. “So what,

Little Brother. Too little, too late. Looks like all that protection

220 Rob Rosen

was for naught.” He sighed and opened the door, and was gone

a split second later.

Zeb looked at me first. “He has a point, you know. All we

have is a bunch of letters and some raunchy video footage,

enough to only ruin Port, really. Nothing to tie the other two to

the murder of your parents or to the blackmails. It would be our

word against theirs. And their word is law around these parts.”

He looked at the knocked out bad guys in question. “And when

they
wake up, there will be nothing and no one to protect any of

us. They’ll bring us all down, either in name or worse.”

Then, as if being surrounded by a bunch of passed out bad

guys wasn’t strange enough, Jeeves started to laugh. Loudly.

“Some sort of weird Tourettes reaction?” I asked.

He fought to catch his breath. “Fuck no,” he managed, the

laughter picking up speed.

“Tourettes,” Stella said, with a nod. “Definitely.”

Wheezing, he managed to gain control of himself. “No,” he

said. “Bitter irony.”

“Please explain,” said Jake as he walked around and collected

the guns. Which, all things considered, was about the smartest

thing any of us had done in quite some time.

Jeeves nodded. “It’s just… all these years… they were

blackmailing me for things I didn’t do.”

My nod echoed his. “You didn’t rape that girl at the fraternity

house. And you didn’t kill my parents.”

“No,” he agreed. “But I still needed an alibi for both events.

The girl was raped in my room. I was in charge of your parent’s

car.”

“And?” said Pearl, her arms over her ample chest, clearly over

all this. With good reason.

Again he nodded. “And, all this time, they really had nothing

on me.” Then he glanced around at our motley crew. “But…”

I snapped my fingers. “But you were Robbie’s roommate. For

years.”

southeRn FRied
221

Zeb smiled, which fairly lit up the room, if not my still

pounding heart. “And you had plenty on them.”

“Plenty,” he agreed.

And now it was my turn to smile. “Any that could cost an

election?”

He paused, clearly teetering on the brink of something. “Ask

her
,” he finally said, finger pointing to the last person in the room

I ever expected him to be pointing at.

“Pearl?” I said, forcing down a gulp the size of a nice-sized

plum.

She sighed and walked over to the senator. “He was a fine

looking man in his youth, Trip. Was sweeter than honey, when

he set his mind to it.” She looked up at me with the saddest

expression I’d ever seen on anyone’s face before. “I didn’t know

about the others,” she said. “Not until you told me. I thought it

was only me all along.”

My eyes went wide. “You… you spied? On Granny?”

Jeeves walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“She had to, Trip.”

Pearl nodded. “I had me an extra mouth to feed, sugar.”

“You’re joking,” I coughed out. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

She shook her head. “Wish I could, boy. See, that’s who I

worked for before your granny. Came highly recommended, too.

After the baby was born, I mean.”

“And you spied?” I managed, not sure if I was more sad than

mad.

Her head kept on shaking back and forth. “Nope. Not a lick.”

The faintest of grins rose up on her face. “Well, he thought I was.

Only, I was feeding him a bunch of bull. Meaning, he paid for

that baby of his with…” Her grin grew to a laugh. “… with stuff

I done seen on my favorite soap.”

Okay,
that
I had to laugh at. “Wait, not
One Life to Live
?”

She kicked the downed senator lightly in his side. “Damn

222 Rob Rosen

idiot must’ve thought your granny lived in Llanview with all I

was feeding him. Smart as a whip, but gullible as a five-year-old.

Luckily for us.”

I thought of all of Pearl’s kids. “Wait, Vicky, your oldest?”

And, now that I thought of it, lightest in complexion. “The one

that went to The University of North Carolina?”

“Yes, Trip.” She glanced down at the senator again. “All paid

for by this one here.” She looked back up at me. “I had to do it,

boy. I had nothing. And back then it was his word against mine

whether or not he was the father.”

“But not today,” Stella chimed in. Then she walked over and

yanked out a few strands of the Senator’s hair. What few he had

left. With the root follicle still intact, which I knew they’d need

down at the lab. “Today we got DNA.”

Pearl moved away from the Senator and back over to me. “I

didn’t know, Trip. Not about any of it. He said it was just me. I

had no reason not to believe him.”

I only had to think it over a second. I mean, I never did have

a mother, not by the legal sense of the word. But I always had

Pearl. I held my arms out and pulled her in. Mostly. I mean,

she did most of the pulling. And squeezing. “Can’t. Breathe.” I

croaked out.

She laughed and backed away, a stream of tears rolling down

her cheeks. “Sorry, sugar.” Her smile was contagious. “And I’m

gonna make it right, boy. Promise.”

Jake was already walking to the front door. “Right, yeah. But

later, please. Before these assholes wake up and come looking

for us.”

We all turned and looked at said assholes. Again I laughed,

seeing as Billy Ray’s nuts were at least half eaten, as was most

of the peach brandy. “Well, that’s not about to happen any time

soon,” I said, leading my staff out of Port’s apartment. And, of

course, keying every Pellingham car waiting outside.

Well, here’s where we’re gonna jump ahead some. Back into

the nitty gritty of all this mess. See, many months went by after