Sounds of Yesterday (7 page)

Sophie wants to spend some time with me at my house for some life alternating news. Zach drives us over after school. Alex always drives me home but when Zach offers, he doesn’t argue. Because I need my other friends too.

I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I’ll forget them or something if I don’t spend time with them. I will never forget them. It’s impossible.

I will always remember the day I met Sophie. We met in Kindergarten during recess. Everyone was playing
Duck, Duck, Goose
and when she was up, her hand landed on the top of my head and she whispered ‘goose.’ She was so scared to have someone chase after her. I knew because I was too and I saw the look in her scared green eyes. I got up, ran ten steps in the circle and tripped. I scrapped my knee and had to go to the school nurse. Sophie walked with me, and a nearby teacher. She held onto my arm and whispered, ‘thank you’ with tears in her eyes.

In middle school, Zachary James chased after Sophie. She wasn’t scared about it then. He became her official boyfriend in the eighth grade when she finally stopped being a bitch and put him out of his misery. They had some ups and down throughout high school but when they spent two months without each other, they were back on. For good.

Zach is like my other brother.

Everyone I spend my time with is a part of me.

They all make up the music I play, the music I feel. They wrap around me like the wind of a hurricane, protecting me from the outside world. It’s truly the best feeling for me; devastating for the outsiders in our path.

“I’ll be back in thirty. I’m picking up some food,” Zach announces as Sophie steps out of his Honda. His green eyes flick to mine and he looks away after a somewhat smile forms on his lips.

Zach can’t look at me longer than a minute ever since
after
. He tries to keep things like they were but I know that when he looks at me, he sees how he failed his friend. It happened in his house and he didn’t know about it. Forty to fifty people were at that party and one of them was the cause of a broken friend.

Zach’s on the lacrosse team and he was friends with Pierce.

He feels like he should have known somehow.

I never meant for his life to be affected by this.

I never wanted
anyone
to be affected by this.

“Bring Skittles. Please,” I say. It was our thing. Skittles is like our secret handshake. You want into our little group, you bring a bag of Skittles. No one knows that of course. That’s why we’re so awesome.

He looks my way and nods. I see him thinking of something else to say but he can’t do it. I don’t blame him. He at least offered us a ride. We’ve hit a crossroads where every word is analyzed before finally spoken. No one wants to say the wrong thing around me.

I play with the bottom of my sweater and take a deep breath before I turn toward my house and start walking. I see my neighbor, Ben walking down his stairs and I hope he ignores me. He’s a junior at Wilks Academy and one of Alex’s closest buddies. They grew close because of me. Alex found a loophole to make sure he knows I’m okay 24/7 without looking like a stalker. He got my neighbor to spy on me.

“Hey, Em.”

Dammit.

I look up and wave. He smiles as he hits the bottom step and turns my way. His bright emerald eyes hone in on me, and he runs his hand through his hair. He does that when he’s nervous. He’s definitely thinking of something to say to me.

I help him out and power walk into my house, leaving him with a look of confusion etched on his young face. I can’t deal with neighbors spying for boyfriends right now.

I need space and I need to freaking breathe.

I step inside the comfort of my own home, my body and mind relaxing instantly. Nobody's home yet so I walk into the living room and throw my body onto the sofa. I let my head fall over the edge and I stare at everything in it’s new state of being upside down. It’s so much easier than running upstairs, grabbing my laptop and finding out my fate.

“Babe, Zach wants tacos. Is that fine?” Sophie shuts the front door and walks into the living room, eyeing me with her hands on her hips. She looks funny. “What are you doing?”

“Being lazy.”

“Where’s your laptop?”

“In my room.”

She turns to walk away but I sit up fast and call out for her. “Wait!” I bring my hands to my temple and shut my eyes. This will be one of the hardest things I say. “I’m scared.” I crack open one eye.

Sophie bites the inside of her cheek and nods slowly. “It’s okay. We’ll be together.” I see her navy blue flat take a step toward the staircase leading upstairs and my heart jumps into my throat.

We applied to the same colleges except for Berklee College of Music. It’s so close to Northeastern University that Sophie hopes I get in. Today is the day most of the acceptance letters are going out via email. We made a pact that we’d go to college together. Wherever it is, we’ll be there. But she won’t go to a college out of state if Zach doesn’t go. She’s set on Northeastern or Boston University because they’re close to home. I told her she can major in Chemistry anywhere but she’s scared of leaving her family. Zach influenced her to apply to out-of-state schools but since he got an early acceptance to BU, her mind has been made and she doesn’t care if she gets into any other school.

“Soph…”

She stops on the first step and looks over her shoulder. Her eyes are so hopeful. She wants us together. I can’t be in this state any longer than I have to. We’re stuck. We’ve all stopped moving and become frozen when it comes to plans of the future.

“Whichever email is first…I’m going there.” That’s how I’m planning my future. I’m leaving it all to chance.

Sophie blinks and it’s like someone killed her dog. Her smile is tight and her eyes start to water. She knows I’m serious because she’s the only person outside of my family who knows I want out of this state.

Everyone wants me close.

I need to start doing things
I
want.

“Okay.” Her words sound pained but I don’t say anything when she heads upstairs.

I bet she’s praying Berklee is the first email on the list. As much as we love each other, she doesn’t want to leave her hometown. She won’t leave Zach.

She comes down a minute later with my laptop in her arms, and tears running down her cheeks. I set up my laptop and grab her hand. I squeeze it once so she knows it’s okay. When she squeezes back, I want to withdraw my hand but I don’t. Because she needs this. She needs my comfort.

I open my email account and stare at the three emails from colleges staring back at me. I didn’t check my email for a week just in case. I wanted Sophie with me because she knows she got in to her top two choices. She’s just waiting for me to have confirmation.

One is from Berklee. One is from the University of Georgia. The other is from the University of Miami. U Miami is first.
I wish it were Princeton.
Berklee is second and UGA is third.

Sophie shifts in her spot and grabs my hand with both of hers. She doesn’t make a sound as her eyes stare at the bright screen. I hear her gulp as I click on the email from U Miami.

My chest tightens.

Time stills.

I bring my hand to my heart to make sure I’m not dead.

Thump-thump.

I got in.

Sophie starts to sniffle but I can’t focus on anything except this email because I’m going to get out of this state. I’m going to double major in Music Education and Music Therapy in Florida. It’s not too far from home. I’ll be doing something I love. It’s all that matters.

“I’ll be close, Sophie,” I whisper. Obviously, I have to choose a pricey school but I have a few small scholarships lined up for me. Since Wilks doesn’t have a music program, I found places to volunteer around Boston and Brookline that would make up for that. It clearly paid off. Music is my life and I’ve done nothing but make that clear to the world. All this high school drama can stay behind. I’ll be starting fresh soon.

I won’t be in a place where people call me a liar or a whore or don’t give a shit what-so-ever. I’ll be free from all of that.

Sophie nods as she clicks on the two other emails. I got into both and I’m stunned.

I don’t need anymore acceptance letters though.

I’m getting away.

I’ll learn how to be me again.

It’s what my therapist wants. Technically, he’s not my therapist anymore. Mom hired him last month so I could start opening up but when one of the first things out of his mouth was ‘tell me about that night’ I told him to fuck off and that I was never going back. He said I needed to understand that in order for me to be me again, I had to take that step.

Well, I’m taking that step. I’m leaving it all behind.

“Please don’t tell him.”

Those four words are what do it. They shatter my best friend into tiny pieces. She loses it knowing I’m leaving Alex behind. She wanted us to be together in college. She wanted us to have Zach and Alex by our sides. She’s getting nothing that she planned.

Alex needs to live his life and move on. He thinks of what happened just as much as me. We’re both so broken over it and it has done nothing but cause a big barrier between us. We’re friends who don’t do anything except be around each other, mostly in silence. We’re nothing like we were before. This is our after.

In a way, it’s good for me. I need to be alone, grow, heal, be me again. I need to put some distance between myself and everything that cripples me.

Sophie’s tears pierce my wandering mind and shatter us both. I feel my heart break. My lungs burn with every breath I take. The tears streaming down my cheeks remind me that I’m human.

For the first time in months, I
feel
and I don’t want to.

***

Zach sits with me on my bed and we wait while Sophie raids my closet for something I need to wear tomorrow. She wants to go see a show in Downtown Boston and I’m being dragged along. It seems like a good idea if I don’t think about it.

“What the hell is this? Were you a hooker for a short period of time?” She steps back and holds out a black dress that leaves little to the imagination. I thought of trying it on months ago but chickened out every time. It’s too...risqué.

I laugh a second later because she really thinks it’s mine. Zach stares at me like I was just replaced with an alien. I wouldn’t blame him. I’m so quiet and barely speak words in the presence of others that this is abnormal.

“Soph, that’s your dress. You left it here thinking I’d wear it.” She used to be shy when we were younger but having Zach around boosted her confidence. They were made for each other. He brings out something in her that I can’t. There are some things a friend can’t help with.

“Oooh.” She holds it against her chest and looks at Zach, her cheeks reddening.
Oh, god. Please don’t do it.
“This is the dress I wore when we had sex in your car the second time.” She starts to giggle at the memory. I, unfortunately, know this story and do not want to hear it again.

This is typical Sophie behavior.

“Don’t worry,” I say, waving my hand at him. “Sophie shares everything.”

“Ohmygod, I do! I showed her the first nude you sent me after you became this sexy piece of ass and her reaction was
priceless.
”

Zach’s eyes grow wide and his mouth falls open as he looks at me.

It gets worse when she continues my embarrassment.

“I think Em said ‘I’d lick him like a lollipop, wrap my legs around his head and never let go.’”

Please stop talking.

Zach scratches the back of his neck, completely speechless. I’m the color of a tomato, staring at my legs. Sophie is oblivious to both of our reactions.

I try to justify my comment with, “Hey, don’t blame me. Your girlfriend was panting over how hot you were with all the lacrosse training. I’d say you were smart not to show your face but I really didn’t need to see your dick either. I kind of threw up when she said it was you. Sorry. Not to hurt your ego or anything.”

“Jesus.” Zach face-palms himself and groans. “Soph, dick pics are meant for
your
eyes only.”

Why were they sending nudes in the first place? Sexting sucks. What happens if you lose your phone and someone shares those pictures? You’re screwed.

“I know but I couldn’t help it. I had to share the gold.” She saunters over to us and wraps her arms around Zach’s neck. The look they share makes me look away. I don’t want to be that creeper who stares. My friends are affectionate and tend to block out the world when their eyes meet. It’s something I got used to over the years.

I hear footsteps walking up the stairs so I slide off my bed to meet my brother halfway. After he graduated high school two years ago, he’s always been around, just living life how he wants. He doesn’t want to get an apartment because he’d rather save his money right now. I love having him home if I’m being honest. After Dad left when we were younger, it left Mom raising two kids. She wasn’t the same when he left but she never gave up on us. She grew attached and doesn’t want us to leave just yet. I don’t know how I’m going to tell her I’m going to Florida for college.