Soul to Shepherd (32 page)

“And then what? You just wake up as a Shepherd?”

“Something like that—only it’s a lot more confusing and unsettling.” I paused for a moment and looked at him. I was becoming increasingly worried about his underlying motives for asking these questions. “Why do you want to know all of this? I mean, even if you met all of the eligibility requirements, you realize you can’t do anything to make this happen, right?”

“Yeah, I guess I just wanted to know all the options—even if they’re not necessarily
my
options.”

I nodded, still feeling uneasy.

“Can your soul be destroyed?” he asked.

“If the Servants destroy me, they destroy my immortality—they break the connection between my soul and my spirit—but my soul will still survive. It’ll just follow the natural course of every other mortal who dies normally.

“But,” I continued, “there is a way for me to
lose
my soul. If I will it. I can give my soul away if I choose.”

“That’s ridiculous!” he scoffed. “When would there ever be a situation where you’d
willingly
choose to give away your soul?”

“I can think of one—to save you.”

He looked at me in alarm.

“Quinn,” I said before he could react verbally. “Remember Dylan’s comment when we first arrived up here—about how I needed a piece of a Shepherd’s soul to heal me?”

“Yeah,” Quinn replied uncertainly.

“Well, remember how weak I was after healing Mary?”

“Yes,” he replied even more hesitantly.

“I’d used up so much of my life source, my energy, that I was just hanging on by a thread—so much so I couldn’t heal myself. I needed help,” I continued, tiptoeing on eggshells. “Thankfully, Peter was there.”

Quinn cringed at hearing his name, shifting uncomfortably.

“Unfortunately,” I continued, “he paid a pretty big price when he healed me. He willingly had to sacrifice a piece of his soul—at least that’s what he told me, anyway.”

“Did he?” Quinn asked coldly. He leaned back slightly, looking at me like part of me was a complete stranger.

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

Quinn turned away from me and ran his hand through his hair. It must’ve been killing him to hear this. I didn’t know what bothered him more: the idea of Peter sacrificing his soul to save me or the fact that I’d needed Peter’s help—help Quinn couldn’t have given me. It meant Peter could offer me more than Quinn, a mere mortal, ever could. To Quinn, I bet it seemed like I needed Peter more than I’d ever need him.

“Quinn.” I leaned in closer to him, but he wouldn’t acknowledge me. He wouldn’t even look at me. “Hey, it doesn’t matter what Peter did. The important thing is that I’m here, right?” I asked, trying to put things in perspective for him, but Quinn didn’t respond.

“Look, I’ll always be grateful for what Peter chose to do regardless of his reasons for doing it. I’m still here because of him. But nothing he did changed the way I feel about him. And it certainly didn’t change the way I feel about you. Nothing ever could.”

“You won’t be saying that if I become a Servant.”

“We
will
find a way to stop them for converting you,” I asserted.

“How? If Ronald and Ruben can’t figure out a way to save me, then how can we?”

“Because we don’t have another choice.”

That evening, Quinn had another nightmare.

“Good morning, lovebirds,” Dylan called out as he materialized on the patio the following day.

“We’re in the living room,” I replied. Dylan walked inside and sat down on one of the chairs across from us.

“Day seven on Servant watch, and I’m here to report that all is good on the home front.”

“Day seven already?” Quinn sounded disappointed, but I was instantly on pins and needles.

Tonight was the night.
I feared this night with every ounce of my being because I was still incapable of protecting Quinn.

“So it’s safe to assume that this place agrees with you two then,” Dylan stated, obviously hearing Quinn’s discontent.

“You did well.” I forced a smile while the knots steadily formed one on top of the other in my stomach.

“Good.” Dylan smiled. “Well, you know what they say: ‘Time flies when you’re having fun.’ But this is it, folks. Full moon’s tonight, so I don’t want you leaving here under any circumstances until M or I arrive tomorrow. Got it?”

“Got it,” I replied.

“Oh, and I think we should have a secret code—you know, just in case something goes haywire,” Dylan suggested.

“Okay, what did you have in mind?” Quinn asked.

Dylan paused to think. “Got it! If something seems fishy, I’ll come up here are say: ‘I put the
awe
-some in threesome!’” Dylan grinned from ear to ear.

“Seriously?” I asked. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“So? They’ll never suspect it.”

“That’s for sure.” Quinn was cracking up laughing.

“Well,” Dylan stood up, “I’ll let you two enjoy what little time you have left up here alone.”

“
You got this, right?”
I asked Dylan telepathically.
“I mean, you know I’m not back to one hundred percent yet, so you’ll be ready if all hell breaks loose?”

“
Don’t worry, K.C. I promise either M or I will be within earshot of this portal at all times from now until Quinn’s in the clear tomorrow. We’re not going to let anything bad happen.”

“
You’d better not.”
I forced another smile in an effort to hide my growing stress and anxiety and fought back the tears welling up in my eyes.

“Later, man.” Dylan fist-bumped Quinn. “Take care of this one.” He nodded his head my way. “She’s a little on edge.”

“And, you,” Dylan continued, pointing at me, “lighten up and enjoy the last night of your ‘vacation.’” He winked. “It’s back to business tomorrow, people. M and I will brief you both on everything in the morning.” With that, he phased out of view.

Quinn found me sitting on the edge of the hot tub a few hours later, my feet dangling in the steaming water. He sat down next to me and looked at the sun as it began to set. He’d just showered, and I could smell the ever-familiar scent of his soap wafting around me. I closed my eyes and breathed him in, but no matter what I did to try to relax, I couldn’t keep my disturbing thoughts away.

Yes, we’d gotten Quinn’s blood back, but at a costly price. I was stronger physically than when Dylan first brought us here, but I was still nowhere near as strong as I should’ve been. In fact, I had no supernatural powers to speak of. Had Ronald and Ruben already seen this scenario play out? Had my fear come true? Had I become the weak link that would jeopardize Quinn’s life?

Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at this beautiful man I was no longer capable of protecting, and I caught him looking at me too. Flecks of orange and gold twinkled in his sapphire blue eyes as the reflection of the setting sun danced within them.

“What?” I asked, now feeling even more self-conscious.

“Nothing.” He grinned.

“You’re staring at me.”

“I’m not staring at you. I’m
admiring
you.”

“Why?” I smiled nervously.

“Because.” He swept a loose lock of hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear. “It’s the last day of our vacation in this unbelievable place far away from everything and everyone else, and I want to enjoy every last minute of it with you.”

“I’m not so sure this really qualifies as a ‘
vacation
.’”

“Oh, I don’t know. Look around. Amazing house. Amazing views. And we’re here all alone with no one to bother us.”

“So we hope,” I noted a little less enthusiastically.

“We’ll be fine. This night will be just like every other one up here. You’ll see.” Quinn seemed like his perfectly confident self again—like everything he’d heard over the past few weeks didn’t matter anymore.

“How can you sound so sure?” I asked in awe.

“Because I
am
sure.” Quinn smiled at me, and I melted inside.
Damn that smile.

“You’re sure,” I said slowly.

“Yup. I love you too much to let anything happen to you or to come in between us again.” The look on his face grew more intent; he was serious. There was a clarity and a certainty I’d never seen before in his eyes, and it almost made me believe he could take on the world singlehandedly. My eyes welled up with tears.

“Why the tears?” He cupped my face and wiped away the tears that ran down my cheeks with his thumbs.

“I wish I could feel as certain about us as you do.”

“You can.”

I just shook my head. Quinn had always been the one who believed in us no matter what obstacles we’d faced. I wanted so desperately to believe in us the same way—I just didn’t realize how hard it would be. I didn’t know how to find the faith in us that he had. I’d always been the one who was afraid—afraid of losing him, afraid of hurting him, afraid of what would happen if I let myself feel what it was like to love him so completely and unconditionally, only to have it all taken away from me in the end.

“
You can
,” he repeated as he leaned in and kissed me softly. “Let me show you. Let me
help
you.” I could feel his sweet, warm breath wash across my face.

“How?” I whispered.

“Close your eyes.”

“Here? Now?” I asked anxiously. “Quinn, tonight’s the full moon. What if the Servants find us?”

“They won’t,” he stated with conviction.

“But what if they do?”

“Evie, the Servants don’t have a clue where we are. Besides, Dylan and Minerva are guarding the portal door like hawks. No demons will get by them tonight.”

“But—”

“Shh.” Quinn rested his fingers on my lips.
“Trust me.”

“Okay.” I sighed loudly with a slight nod of my head.

He nodded once and smiled. “Now, will you please close your eyes?” His tone might’ve sounded playful, but his message was clear—he wanted me to listen to him. I did as asked without uttering another word.

“Good.” I heard him shift so he was sitting behind me. He began to massage my shoulders.

“I want you to take a deep breath, and exhale very, very slowly.”

I filled my lungs with air and then, like a balloon with a hole, I slowly exhaled while Quinn’s fingers worked their magic into my tense muscles. My entire body immediately began to relax.

“Again.” Quinn kissed my shoulder gently. I took another deep breath and exhaled as he ran his fingers lightly down my arms. I kept my eyes closed and tried to take in everything I sensed. The feel of the balmy, salt-filled air that caressed my skin along with Quinn’s fingers; the sound of the waves crashing below; and the smell of the tropical plants around us, the charred remnants of the burnt wood in the fireplace, and Quinn—his scent smelled like home to me. I was so relaxed I felt like I was almost slipping into a trance. I continued to take deep breaths as he massaged my neck, shoulders and back.

“How do you feel?”

“Mmm,” I moaned contentedly.

“Good,” he said softly in my ear. “Now, I realize you’ve had a lot of trouble adjusting to all of the changes of late—giving up some of your control, having Dylan be my Shepherd, learning to trust Minerva, accepting our help—
my
help. I also know it’s been difficult for you to allow yourself to have complete faith in us—in
me.
And I have a theory as to why that is—at least with respect to how these changes have impacted you and me.

“You see, from the beginning,” Quinn continued, “I’ve
had
to put all my trust and faith in you—in your very existence. I had no choice but to stand back and accept what you were and why you were here. I had to trust you were making the right decisions for
me
because you were my Shepherd—that was your job. You were sent here to protect me, and I had to accept that as being your first priority. But for
you
to do your job and do it well, you had to find enough trust and faith in
yourself
to believe you were capable of keeping me alive and safe. And I totally get that.

“But, here’s the thing—you’re
not
my Shepherd anymore. It’s no longer your sole responsibility to protect me. You have to put trust and faith in others to do that now—and that’s where you’re stuck. You don’t want to let go. You still need to feel like you’re in control—so much so that you’ve kept everyone else in the dark. You’ve acted on your own and done things that have put your safety at risk because you’re scared of letting go of the reins. And I understand that, too.”

I opened my eyes and shifted myself so I could look at him.

“But, Evie, things changed radically a week ago when you gave your blood to save me. It made your body so weak that you’ve been forced to physically depend on others. You needed Dylan to save us, and you’ve needed me this week to help you rest and heal. And I think that’s eating you up inside. I think it makes you view yourself as vulnerable and weak, and I think you don’t know what to do about it other than grab whatever control you have left and hold onto it like it’s your last lifeline.”

I hadn’t really thought about what I was doing or feeling in those terms, but Quinn’s words were hitting home.

“But you can still be strong without being in complete control of everything. And, whether or not you can see it, being forced to let go of some of that control you’ve been clinging on to has made you a lot stronger. You’ve been pushed to find faith in someone else’s ability to lead, protect, and shoulder some of the burden you’ve been stubbornly holding all on your own. You’re strong enough now to
know
you’re not alone in this fight.”

“If that’s so, then why am I still so scared?”

“Scared of what?”

I felt a knot form in the back of my throat.

“Talk to me,” Quinn urged sweetly.

“Where do I even start?” Tears streaked down my cheeks. “What if something happens to you?” I barely managed to whisper. “What if Dylan can’t protect you? Or Minerva? What if
I
can’t protect you? What if I can’t get my strength back? Or, what if I
do
get my strength back and I still can’t save you? … What if I lose you? What happens then?”