Soul Thief (14 page)

“I CAN'T DO THIS
,”
he whispered.

I couldn't talk. I'd expected him to push me away or maybe to kiss me back, and I certainly didn't expect anything more than a kiss, but not this. “Why?” I asked, figuring I couldn't possibly get anymore embarrassed than I already was.

He put his hands on both sides of my head. “It's not you. It's me,” he said. “I wish things were different. You're a great girl, Riley.”

A girl. Not even a young woman. I should've known. He probably saw me as a desperate teenage girl with a crush on her older mentor. And wasn't I?

Tears stung my eyes. “I get it,” I said, pushing my chair aside to get up. “I'm going to go.”

“Wait,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I'm sorry about this. I shouldn't have given you the wrong impression.”

“You didn't.” God, this was even worse. “It was me. I imagined… never mind. I don't even know you. You're probably already seeing someone. I jumped to conclusions.” I yanked my arm away from him.

“No,” he said. “It's my fault too. I can't let you take the blame for all this on your own.”

I frowned. “Why would it be your fault?”

“Because at times I wanted this too… a fresh start, someone who knew nothing about my past, about my shame. But I can't let you go through this, Riley. I can't let you bear my past as well as your own troubles.”

“Your past? What has that got to do with this?”

“Some Angels are still convinced I had something to do with Darius' uprising, they suspect I was the brain behind it.”

“But you weren't?”

“No, but they don't want to believe that.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “So screw them! Who cares? What has that got to do with any of this?”

Leander shook his head. “I don't expect you to understand. It's complicated. I've been alive for a long, long time, and I've angered many. I don't want you hurt because of that.”

“I'll get hurt with or without you. You were nowhere near here yesterday and vampires attacked me anyway.”

“And it's all my fault, I know. It'll never happen again, I can assure you.”

“Why would it be all your fault?” I yelled at him again. “You can't watch me 24/7.”

“Riley.” The way he said my name, it meant a thousand different things. His expression broke as if someone just told him he was going to die. “I wasn't at the Council meeting anymore by then.”

“You… weren't?” I swallowed the angry tears that had been building up in my throat. “Where were you then?”

“I was with someone.”

I blinked and backed away. It was like the world had been turned upside down. “You…”

“I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner.”

“Yeah, you should have. You knew I was planning to kiss you and you didn't say anything. Why?” I shouted at him.

“Because I wanted you to.” He came closer to me, grabbed my hands. He held them to his chest and kissed them, and my heart broke right then and there.

“You… wanted me to kiss you? When you were with someone else last night?” I yanked free from him. “You're sick.”

“I… last night was a memory of the past, revisiting an old love, and it made me realize it's over. I always thought I'd never be able to let go of her, but I can.”

“It's Seraphyn, isn't it?” I asked him. When he didn't respond, I turned around, unable to face him anymore. “This is completely messed up. She's the one who saved my life. If she goes back on that, they'll kill me.”

“I know. That's why I can't do this. And because it wouldn't be fair to you.”

“Okay.” I took a few deep breaths and calmed down. “Does she still love you?”

Leander sighed. “I doubt she ever did. Maybe once, before everything happened. We haven't been together in a long while, but I've never stopped caring about her. I wanted to believe she cared about me as well. But after last night, I'm not so sure.”

“That makes no sense. You just told me you spent the night with her. Is this some stupid Angel logic I can't understand?”

Leander sighed. “I thought she did, but then I got your message, and… at the time you were attacked, I was with her.”

“Oh.” Silence lingered between us as I grasped what he was trying to say. “You think she blocked it?”

“She's powerful enough. She used to be an Archangel.”

“But why would she do that? She saved my life.” I sat back down, too shocked by the events to make much sense of it. “Maybe you're wrong. Maybe nobody blocked the signal and I'm just not experienced enough to send out these messages.”

“I'm not sure.” Leander looked unconvinced, but a sparkle of hope gleamed in his eyes.

“Well, now this is awkward,” I said.

“It doesn't have to be. We can forget this all happened.”

“You're not messing with my mind,” I told him. “I'd rather be embarrassed for the rest of my life.”

“I didn't mean literally. We are stuck with each other for at least a century more, so we'd better put this behind us.”

“Do you still love her?” I asked. “Seraphyn?”

Leander shrugged. “I think I'm so used to the idea of being in love with her that I don't know what to do without it.”

“If we're being honest this morning then I'll pitch in as well. I've never been in love. I've never even been on a proper date.”

“Why not?” Leander asked. “You must've been asked at least a dozen times.”

I snorted. “Some boys asked, but I was never interested. You're the first guy I feel anything for and I don't even know what I feel.”

“So you thought that if we kissed, you'd find out?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “It's no big deal. I'm with you on the idea of pretending it never happened.”

“Me too.” He smiled but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

“I think I'm going to go home,” I said, getting up. “Do some thinking.”

“I'll drive you,” Leander offered.

“No thanks, that's not necessary. I'll walk, it's not that far.”

“You're really good at making me feel guilty,” he said.

“Well, I'm not trying to. But you hurt my feelings. I didn't expect you to declare your undying love. I was afraid you'd push me away and tell me I was crazy, but I never expected this. I need some time to think, but I'll see you on Monday.”

“Okay. I'll try to find out the identity of our mysterious superhero,” he said. He kissed me on the forehead, which broke my heart all over again but darned if I was going to let it show.

I pulled my best poker face and smiled at him, thanking God that he couldn't read my thoughts. He walked me to the door without saying another word

“See you tomorrow,” he said, opening the door. “Text me when you get home. It may be daylight, but I want to make sure you're safe.”

“I will,” I promised. “Bye.” I walked down the front garden to the street. Even though part of me felt sad, another part of me felt free. I'd been brave, for once. I would've kissed him if he'd let me. At least I'd given it a shot and now I knew how he felt about me.

But it still stung. I was about to turn around to see if he was still standing in the doorway or had already retreated inside, when someone pulled my arm.

I turned around to look straight into Leander's face. “What…” I started, but I'd never finish that sentence.

His lips crashed into mine. It wasn't sweet like I imagined it would be in my countless daydreams about this moment. Instead his kiss was hungry and wild, as if he'd been starved for this. I kissed him back with the same vigor. It was as if something opened up inside of me, as if a whirlwind of emotions wrapped itself around me, engulfed me.

I pulled back. “I thought you…”

“I changed my mind,” he said. “I saw you walking away and I couldn't let you go because I knew I'd never have the chance again.”

“I'd still be around.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn't let me get this close again. It would take years before you'd open up to me again.”

“That's quite the personality prediction you've made there. Why do you think that?”

“Because I'm the same. I know I'm an idiot. I'm stuck in old habits. I've been alive for so long that I'm afraid to try anything new, to dive into a new adventure. During the Council meeting, I was glad Seraphyn came to me because she was familiar. I thought she'd be able to pull my attention away from you, to make me stop caring so much. But it worked the other way around.”

“To be honest, I don't want to think about Seraphyn right now. Or about anything that happened last night,” I said. “I just want to do that again.” I leaned forward and kissed him. He kissed me back, softer this time, as if he wanted to cherish the taste of my lips. He tasted like a mix of cinnamon rolls and expensive wine.

He pulled me back onto the front porch, and I pushed him forward, back inside. Our lips didn't let go, though, not even as he pushed the door open and pulled me inside.

My hands traveled across his chest. While the conscious, sane part of my mind thought I was being a moron, the wilder, carefree part of me just wanted to take in his scent, breathe him in.

I kissed him one last time and then pulled away. “We shouldn't do this. We're going way too fast.” I gave him a soft push and he stepped away from me.

“I let myself get carried away,” I said. “And don't get me wrong — kissing you is fun. But I'm not ready for any kind of commitment. Not with whatever's been going on lately.”

I wanted to kick myself the moment the words had left my mouth. They were the truth though, if I allowed myself to think about it.

“I understand,” Leander said. “It's my fault, I shouldn't have…”

“Stop taking the blame for everything. What's next — you'll say you're responsible for the famine in Africa?” I shook my head. “I wanted this too, and it was great, but it made me realize there are a million other things I have to figure out first. A month ago, I could've told you who Riley Scott was. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.”

He looked into my eyes, a wide smile spreading across his lips. They looked a little swollen, probably from kissing, and the way they looked made me want to kiss him all over again.

“I know who Riley Scott is,” he said. “She's pretty amazing.”

I laughed. “Charmer. Anyway, I think I was going to leave.” I started to walk away, but he stopped me.

“That was because you felt embarrassed. Now you don't anymore, right? Because there's something I've wanted to show you.”

“And that is?”

“The Book of Names.” The way he said it made it sound like it was of equal importance to the Bible.

“Yeah, I'm kind of lost on what that is,” I said.

“It's the book with the names of people who are about to die. I get the smaller version though, Fairhaven and my jurisdiction only.”

“Show me.”

We went to his office and he got a small, black book from his desk. When he opened it up, I could see that the pages were made of parchment and they looked as old as time itself. I raised my eyebrows. “Still working with scrolls? What, Angels haven't discovered paper yet?”

“This isn't ordinary paper. It's enchanted. The paper has a direct connection to the Archangels.”

“So the Archangels are the ones who decide who lives or dies?”

“No,” Leander replied. “Only God decides that. Or Allah, or whatever you want to call him — the force that drives our universe, that created everything. That force decides who lives or dies. Archangels are in direct contact with this force, though.”

He turned the book upside down so I could read it from my side of the desk. At the top of each page was the date and underneath, a bunch of names. The book only went as far as one week into the future. I was relieved that none of the names were familiar to me and that the lists weren't very long.

“Is there a way to stop someone from dying?”

“There is, but that's not really our expertise,” Leander replied. “And it costs a lot.”

“I doubt that's costing as in money.”

“If you save a person's life despite their name being mentioned in the book, or in other words, if you prevent someone's death, there will be two consequences. One, another human has to die to keep the balance. Two, you'll be sent to prison.”

Now this grabbed my attention. “Heaven has prisons?”

“The celestial prison is the last place you'd want to be locked up in. It's about five times as bad as Alcatraz. It can only be compared to its hellish counterpart, which you've probably heard of before: Tantalus.”

“What's the name of this celestial prison?”

“It doesn't have one. It's simply ‘The Prison'. Once you're in there you can't escape. It's a sad, lonely place without any hope. Because of our immortality, some of us get locked up in there for centuries. It gives you time to reflect.”

“Or write your memoirs,” I joked. The Book of Names might have temporarily distracted me from the thought of kissing him, but when he smiled at my joke the butterflies rose up in my stomach again.

“Or that,” he said. “So, what do you think?”

“That book is creepy. If I ever see the name of anyone I love appear in there I'm going to freak out and I might risk that celestial prison after all.”

“The trouble with saving someone, even if you want to, is that the book gives no indication of when or how they're going to die, just a date. Every Angel gets a name for a particular date, and then tunes in on that name. When the moment draws near, the soul will call for you instinctively and you'll know where to go. From what I've heard, they've done that especially so that we can't help even if we wanted to.”