Soul Screamers Volume Four: With All My Soul\Fearless\Niederwald\Last Request: 4 (33 page)

Nash’s hand clenched around his bottle. “He
may
know where my mom is?”

“He was going to charge me to find out whether or not he knows, then again, presumably, to find out where they actually are.”

“And, what, the price was too high?” Sabine looked confused.

“Well, yeah.” I shrugged. “By virtue of the fact that I was dealing with a
hellion.
That’s never a good idea.”

“But you deal with hellions
all the time!
” Nash insisted. “You were willing to make out with one to help your dad but not to help my mom?”

“No, I...I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have let him manipulate me—in the end it was all for nothing anyway.” Instead of finding my dad, we’d lost his mom and my uncle. “Besides, I’m pretty sure the price would have gone up this time.” I didn’t even want to
know
what came after a kiss. A bite? A sip of my blood, straight from the fount? A pound of flesh? Something worse?

“You’re
pretty sure?
” Nash demanded, and I realized I’d accidentally led him to an accurate conclusion. “You didn’t even ask? You just decided my mom should sit tight in the Netherworld—where she’s obviously unconscious and probably still bleeding—because you weren’t even willing to listen to the offer on the table?”

“Wait, you think she should have made a deal with a
demon?
” Em demanded, while I stared at him, trying not to get angry. Angri
er,
anyway.

“No, that’s not...” Nash scrubbed both hands over his face, and I could practically feel his frustration. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t want you to put yourself in any more danger, but we
have
to get my mom back. She’s hurt, and I have no idea how badly. She’d do anything for me and Tod—and for any of you—and there’s nothing we can do to help her without making a deal with a hellion.”

“I’ll do it. I’ll make the deal.” Sabine shrugged. “I’m not giving up my soul, but other than that, I’m flexible. How bad could it be?”

I stared at her in horror. “That’s the scariest question I’ve ever heard.”

Em frowned. “Sabine, he already tried to kill you.”

“Actually, he wasn’t trying to kill her,” I admitted, reluctantly aware that they might misinterpret that as my support for her kamikaze mission. “He was trying to piss us all off.”

“That’s not the point.” Nash took Sabine’s hand. “I don’t want any of you putting yourselves in danger. She’s my mom. This is my responsibility. I’ll do it.” He let go of Sabine and stood, facing me. “Kaylee, how the hell do you summon a hellion?”

“I can’t...” I took a deep breath, then started over—he wasn’t going to like my answer. “Nash, I can’t tell you that. I can’t let you summon Ira.” He’d get himself killed, and it would be my fault.

His eyes churned with swift currents of brown and green, with flashes of anger like lightning splitting the storm. “Does it give you some kind of perverse pleasure to tell me no? Because that’s all I ever hear from you anymore. Actually, that’s all I’ve
ever
heard from you.”

“Okay, stop it, Nash.” My gaze clashed with his, and I wondered what he saw in my eyes. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“Who appointed you defender of mankind? I don’t
need
your protection! None of us do!”

“I do, kind of,” Em said, but no one was really listening. “Sometimes...”

I stood, facing Nash across the coffee table. “I’m not going to let you summon a hellion, especially when you’re so desperate to find your mother that you’d give him whatever he wants.”

“That’s my call. You have no right to stand in my way.”

“I may not have the right, but I have the
responsibility.
You’re my friend—you’re
more
than a friend—and you have a less-than-stellar record with human-to-hellion interactions. I’m not going to give you what you need to make another mistake, and, frankly, I don’t think it’s fair of you to ask me to, considering that if something happens to you, we’ll all have to put ourselves in even more danger to rescue you. Don’t you think we’re missing enough loved ones already?”

Yes, I was aware of my own hypocrisy, even as the words left my mouth. But putting myself in danger was different than letting him do the same thing, because Nash was a hellion
addict.
And because he was too emotional to think clearly. And because he’d never even met Ira. And...

And because I was terrified of losing him. Of losing any of them. I wasn’t willing to take risks with my friends’ lives like I was with my own, because I loved them. All of them. Even the ones I didn’t always like. I couldn’t give Nash the means to get himself killed via hellion bargain any more than I could hand him a loaded gun and watch him point it at his own head.

But Nash didn’t see it that way.

“I can’t win with you, can I?” He threw his arms up in frustration. “If I stay safe on the sidelines, I’m not helping, but if I try to do anything, I’m putting myself and everyone else in danger. You’re going to be mad at me no matter what I do—or don’t do—so I’m
done
worrying about what you think!”

“Guys, calm down,” Emma said. On the edge of my vision, I saw Sabine watching me and Nash like we were on opposing sides of a volleyball net.

“This isn’t about me being mad at you, Nash. This is about me trying to
protect
you.”

“For the last time, I don’t need you to protect me! So just tell me how to contact this Ira asshole and let me decide how much I’m willing to pay to get my mother out of the Netherworld. Let
me
deal with the consequences of my own decisions!”

“That’s not how it works!” My cheeks were flushed, and my heart pounded so hard I was almost dizzy—my body was no longer accustomed to such a rapid flow of blood. “This is a team sport, Nash. We’re in it together, and we can’t afford for you to run off half-cocked playing hero and get yourself killed. You have to think about the group. About what’s best for all of us!” I couldn’t
believe
how rash he was being. How selfish!

“Kaylee. Nash. It’s too tense in here....” Em put both hands over her ears, as if she could physically stop herself from syphoning our anger.

“The
group?
” Nash was shouting now. “Is that what you were thinking about when you summoned Ira all by yourself? How come when you do it, it’s noble, but when I want to do it, I’m ‘running off half-cocked to play hero’? You didn’t even tell anyone what you were doing. You just disappeared. If something had gone wrong, we would never have known what happened to you. How is that acting in the best interest of the group?”

“That’s different,” I insisted, reeling from the sting of his words. “I’ve dealt with Ira before. I’ve dealt with
summoning
before.” Only once, but that was one more time than he’d done it. “And I know where my boundaries lie. He can’t tempt me with—” I bit off the next words before I could say them and almost bit my tongue in the process.

Why was I so
angry?
Was this because Ira had been feeding from my wrath, or was my wrath what attracted him to me in the first place? Could that much rage have been there all along, buried, just waiting for a chance to burst through my emotional armor, like lava through the crust of the earth?

“With what?” Nash’s voice was soft now, but anger roiled beneath the surface of the sound, like water about to break into a boil. “With his breath? Is that what you were going to say? At least he can’t tempt you with
drugs?
” He spat the last word at me from across the room, and I flinched.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Why not?” Nash demanded. “At least that part was the truth. The rest of it is you lying to yourself and to us. I may be an addict, but I didn’t exactly choose that path for myself, in case you don’t remember. And I’m fighting it every single day. But you’re lying and hiding things from the people who care about you the most, and you don’t even have addiction as an excuse. How do you justify
that?
”

“Shut up!” Emma shouted, sitting stiff and straight on the center couch cushion, staring from him to me, then back. “Shut the hell up, both of you! Are you
trying
to drive me crazy?”

“Em, I’m sorry.” I sat next to her, hoping that my rapidly fading anger would ease her burden. I hadn’t meant to trigger abilities she couldn’t control yet.

“Me, too.” Nash’s irises swirled with amber threads of regret, but he didn’t sit. He hadn’t backed down. “I’m sorry, Emma.” He turned to me again. “But I’m going after my mother, and, Kaylee, I swear on my immortal soul that if you stand in my way I will
never
forgive you.”

“Whoa, what did I miss?” Tod said from the kitchen, and I looked up to find him staring at all of us.

“More fireworks,” Sabine said. “And what we’ve learned from this little episode is that Kaylee and Nash are like those rocks ancient cave people used to make fire. Bang them together, and you get sparks.”

“Let’s never again use the phrase ‘bang them together’ in reference to my brother and my girlfriend,” Tod mumbled.

“She means their heads,” Emma said. “And
I’d
like to bang them together right now.” She scowled at me, then turned her disapproval on Nash. “You two are fighting for no reason. You both want the same thing—to protect people you love. You just don’t agree about how to do it.”

“She won’t tell me how to summon a hellion,” Nash explained.

“Good for her.” Tod smiled at me, but I couldn’t smile back. He hadn’t heard the whole thing yet. “I fully support any efforts to keep you and hellions on separate planes of existence.”

“So, she can do it, but I can’t? That’s bullshit! Did she tell you she saw Ira today?” Nash demanded. Tod blinked. The colors in his irises betrayed none of what he was feeling, but I could tell he was hurt, and I felt like the world’s biggest jerk. “She said she wanted everyone to go to school for strength in numbers, but when Emma was possessed and Avari was demanding to talk to Kaylee, she was
gone.
She was off summoning a demon, without telling anyone what she was up to or that she might need help. But when I want to contact Ira to find out where our mother is, with full knowledge of the entire group, she won’t even tell me how to get in touch with him.”

Tod blinked again, and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking. What he was feeling. He leaned against the doorway into the kitchen and crossed both arms over his chest, then met his brother’s gaze. “Is that really what you’re mad about? That you’re not getting quality time with a hellion?”

“No! And yes. But only because she didn’t even get the information she went to him for. I’m pissed off that she would put herself in that kind of danger, then walk away with nothing to show for it. That means she could have died or worse—we all could have lost her—for nothing. I’m pissed off that she wasn’t willing to do for our mother what she did for her father. I’m pissed off that Mom’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. You can all cross over whenever you want. You can all search and sacrifice and bleed to try to save her, but all I can do is sit here and wait.”

“I can’t,” Em whispered, tears in her brown eyes. “I’m pretty useless, too....”

I took her hand and squeezed it, but Nash didn’t seem to hear her.

“I’ve never felt so worthless in my entire life, and every time I try to do something about that, one of you cuts me off at the kneecaps. I’m pissed at you
all
for standing in my way. For letting my mom suffer in the Netherworld when I could be helping get her back. I’m pissed at her for going to the Netherworld in the first place. I’m pissed at Avari for...relentless existence and nefarious consistency. So I’ve made a decision.”

Tod’s pale brow arched high over one blue eye. “I think we’re all listening.”

Nash ignored him with obvious effort. “You guys have a choice. Either you can include me in all aspects of the planning and execution of any and all rescue efforts or I’m going my own way. I still know people, you know,” he added, when Tod looked skeptical. “No one I really want to see again, now that I’m clean, but I
can
find Mom on my own if I have to.”

His eye contact with me was steady and determined. He meant it, and the thought that he might actually rekindle old unhealthy relationships because I wouldn’t let him take risks alongside me made me...it made me sick to my stomach with fear for him.

“I can get myself to the Netherworld,” Nash continued. “And I can get both of us back out again. All
three
of us—I’m not leaving Brendon there, either. So what’s it going to be? Are you going to let me contribute to the group effort, or are you going to shut me out again ‘for my own protection’?”

Everyone looked at me, not because I was in charge, but because I’d messed up, and she who messes up, cleans up.

“I’m sorry,” I said, not just to Nash but to the whole room. “He’s right, and I’m so sorry, Nash. I never meant to cut you out of...anything. Everything. And I shouldn’t have summoned Ira again without telling anyone what I was up to.”

“Or at all...” Em said, and I nodded in acknowledgment, avoiding Tod’s gaze because I wasn’t ready to see whatever I might find in it.

“Of course we want you to stay.” I did meet Nash’s gaze, because I owed him that much, at the
very
least. “And of course you’re included in everything. I didn’t mean to be taking liberties that aren’t available to everyone else. I meant to be taking
risks.
So no one else would have to. I couldn’t live with myself if any of you got hurt again. You’ve all been through so much because of me. Our parents are still missing because of their connection to me. I just... I was looking for a way to fix that without getting anyone else hurt. I’m sorry.”

“Promise,” Nash said, and his voice cracked on that one word. “Promise you won’t do it again. That you won’t put yourself at risk like that again with no one to back you up.”

I looked at him.

I looked hard and deep, and he let me see what he was feeling. He let his eyes swirl so I could understand, and guilt overwhelmed me like heat in the middle of a Texas summer. Relentless. Overpowering. Too much to think through.