Soul Scars (Dog Haven Sanctuary Romance) (20 page)

His agony was terrible to witness. “Okay, ah, wow, I’m still freaking out a bit here, Vince. What happened?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. A nightmare. We must have fallen asleep. If the dogs hadn’t woken me…”

“But the dogs did, Vince, the dogs woke you.”

He crossed to her, but when he reached out she flinched. She hadn’t meant to, it wasn’t as if he frightened her, not now that he was awake. A different torment dragged across his face as he drew back. “Sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to do that, I’m still jittery.” She touched her neck again.

“Have I hurt you?”

“No, I’m fine. Big fright, that’s all. How about you?”

“Fucking mortified, to be honest. Please believe me when I say that I’d never knowingly harm you. But hell, Lulah, this state of not knowing what’s going to happen when I’m asleep or I have a flashback…what’s the point?”

Lulah stood, still too shaken to answer him. “I need a drink, what about you?”

“I’m okay.”

“Neither of us are okay right now. We’ve scared the shit out of each other so no more pretending.” She checked her watch. “It’s a little after one. Do you want to come over to the cabin and have a hot drink or a whiskey? I’m thinking something hard.”

Vince went to his workbench, his back to her. “I’ll stay here and do some work.”

His voice went flat and Lulah noticed the tremor of his hand when he picked up the pencil. “Will you sleep again tonight?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“Do you want me to stay here awhile?” They both jumped when the pencil he gripped snapped.

He shook his head again.

“Where are you now, Vince? Can you talk?”

“Break, Lulah.”

She watched him leaning on the bench, his shoulders expanding, falling with each deep breath, his chin resting on his chest. As the silence lengthened she knew she had to respect his request for a break. But she didn’t want to leave him, didn’t want him to head off into the dark in the state he was in.

Break is sacrosanct.
What lunacy allowed her to promise that? She called Joker and stood at the door. “Goodnight, Vince, see you at breakfast.” From side on she could see the clench of his jaw and one tight fist.

Back at the cabin she poured herself a whiskey. Medicinal, right? It would be awhile before she managed to burn up all the adrenaline and get some sleep. Across the yard she could see the glow from the light in the barn but couldn’t make out any movement from Vince. Christ, what a mess. He might be unreliable awake, but asleep, he was positively lethal. And all that other stuff tonight, well, that felt wrong now. And it shouldn’t, dammit, but each time they were remotely intimate she finished up feeling as though she’d somehow taken advantage of him. He hadn’t allowed her to touch him. It was always all about her and it didn’t matter that he tried to explain his limits, she never listened. She rubbed at the tears that stung her eyes. At this moment she needed someone to hold her as much as she needed to hold someone.

Across the yard, Vince was going through all kinds of hell.

THAT SHE MANAGED sleep amazed her. Although only a couple of hours she didn’t feel too bad. In the mirror she studied her neck for any marks she might need to cover but the one bruise visible was hard to see, and she found it only because she knew where to look. When she let Joker out for a pee she saw Vince doing the same with Calliope. The two dogs joined up for a full-yard reconnaissance and as Lulah stepped from her porch, Vince crossed the yard to greet her.

“Hey.” He gave her a small smile.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Are you okay this morning? Did you sleep?”

“Yeah, I slept a little.” She could see how that gave him some relief. “How about you?”

“No, I don’t sleep after the nightmares.”

“Come on, let’s go and make breakfast.”

In the kitchen Vince started on the toast. “I feel sick, Lulah, I frightened you.”

“You frightened both of us, but now you have to stop replaying that reel in your head.”
And so do I
.

“The disappointment in myself, about hurting you, about the nightmares…earlier I’d thought we were making progress, that maybe little-by-little I could hold my shit together.” He went silent.

She waited, giving him time to gather his thoughts.

“Earlier, before we went to sleep and I touched you,” he took a deep breath and sighed, “I can’t remember ever feeling that happy. As if all the trouble had gone and the world didn’t exist outside of the barn. Just you, me, some passion. I needed that so badly, Lulah, and I’m so incredibly angry that the nightmares intruded. But I wouldn’t have given up that moment together for anything. And if a nightmare is payoff for spending time with you, well, I’m happy to do that. Except you’re not safe with me.”

“Do you have counseling today?”

“Yeah. Doc’s not going to know what’s hit him.”

“I’m sure he’s seen worse.”

“Poor bastard’s probably going to need his own counseling once I’m done.”

“Why don’t you call the dogs for breakfast?”

He took a step, just the one heading for the door, before pausing. “Are we okay here, Lulah?” His voice softened, breaking a little as if the idea of her answer frightened him.

She pulled up a smile. “Sure we are.”

He stayed there and watched her. Not making a move for the door to call the dogs, but watching with those intense chrysolite eyes that had seen more pain than any person should have endured, and, yeah, she was frightened. Terrified. Recently she stepped up to him, too close, too quickly, and even though she thought she had it together, that she had enough self-discipline to let her help him without her heart joining in, she was wrong. Not too deep inside she knew that she drew on that same shallow well of hope where Vince drank sometimes, that maybe, together, they could do this. She knew now as he watched, his eyes almost imploring her to promise that together they would make it okay, she couldn’t do that. Worse than her father, more needy, more unreliable. Dangerous.

“What?” he asked. “What is it?”

“Your doctor, he’s good for you, Vince. Stick with him.”
Because I don’t do dangerous stuff with my heart.

“LULAH, SHE’S DOING it! You’ve missed your cue again.”

“Sorry, Mike, I’m a bit slow today.” Lulah called Calliope close and made a fuss of her. The dog was doing everything right; it was Lulah messing things up.

“I’ve never seen you like this, is everything okay?” Mike edged up to her, and his touch of concern on her arm felt all wrong.

“Yeah, rough night, I didn’t sleep too well. I’ll be fine.” Marlo leaned against the wall, watching the final tune-up training they were doing with the three service dogs. In a few days Vince and the other two vets accepted for the training would be learning how to work with their canine battle buddies. After that, Mike would move back to his own facility.

When she checked, Lulah found Marlo had fixed her with a stare that matched Mike’s concern. It was hard to hide stuff when you hung out with behaviorists. She gave Marlo an open-armed ‘I’m okay’ gesture that made Marlo raise her eyes skyward.
Didn’t fool her but I can deal with that later when we stop for lunch.

“Why don’t we take an early lunch break? Some food and coffee might sharpen your senses.”

“Good idea.” She signaled for a couple of interns to collect the three dogs and followed Marlo up to her office. Once there she slumped into a chair.

“Are you okay?” Marlo asked.

“Sure.”

“Bull.”

Lulah stared. “That obvious, huh?”

“Tell me.”

“Vince and I had a bit of a problem last night.”

“Go on.”

“He had a nightmare and I woke with his hands around my neck.”

“He came into your cabin?”

Lulah squeezed her eyes tight shut.
I walked into that one.
“No, we, ahh, fell asleep on his sofa together.” She watched for Marlo’s reaction, and yep, there it was. “Marlo, if your eyes open any wider your eyeballs are going to plop into your coffee.”

“Well, right now I’m processing what you’ve told me and I’m not sure which part to deal with first…the strangling, the sofa, the sleeping, and my not-altogether filthy mind is adding sex to this equation.”

“Probably an amalgamation,” Lulah suggested. “I’m voting for dealing with it all at once.”

“It sounds like a mess.”

“Yeah, that’s it. A mess.”

“You had sex with Vince?”

“I never said that. If you must know, neither of us removed a single article of clothing. When I left the barn we were both wearing the same pieces we wore at the time you left.”

“Ah, okay, so you fell asleep together on the sofa and Vince had a nightmare, and…heck, Lulah, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I feel a bit weird, but not physically harmed.” She smiled when she remembered how it ended. “The dogs took care of us. Calliope flew at Vince, trying to wake him and Joker was primed to tear a limb off if Calliope’s plan failed. She’s had all that training but you can see she does it by instinct.”

“Right. Back to this Vince thing. Were you guys making out on the sofa? Did you jump each other the minute I left?”

“Geez, we’re not a couple of horny teenagers, Mother Marlo. And we weren’t making out. Emotionally, it was more serious than that. You know I’m trying to keep things platonic with him, but my resolve breaks quite easily.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Yeah, well, basically we feel asleep together on the couch, and I woke and Vince’s hands were around my neck. And they were tightening. When he yelled, it woke the dogs and they jumped on us and woke Vince. He was horrified. I was horrified. Altogether scary shit.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“He has counseling today so I’m going to wait, see how that turns out. But really, I have to tighten my resolve again. Help Vince and Calliope work well together, encourage Vince with his counseling, and make damned sure I pass the practical part of my degree.”

“Are you safe, Lulah?”

“Yeah, we’re safe.” She had to believe they were safe, and what she knew, the part that hurt, was that safety depended on her keeping their friendship platonic.

Chapter 17

W
HEN VINCE DROVE up to the barn, Lulah was standing on the cabin porch flanked by the dogs. The image made her appear to be under the watch of bodyguards and that twisted in his gut because he was the reason she needed the dogs’ protection.

“Hey, Vince, I’m glad you’re home early. Do you have time for a walk?”

“Yeah, I’ll grab a jacket.” He was edgy from counseling and that tension needed release. Being in the outpatient environment screwed with him. Waiting for his meds at the pharmacy took twice as long as usual. He felt like such a loser having to take drugs but to get well, he had to commit to the program. And if it meant keeping Lulah safe from him, he’d take the drugs.

They headed off down the drive to the track that started a quarter mile along the road. “How are you, today? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Vince, please don’t worry about me. How was counseling?”

“Good. We talked through a lot of stuff and I told Doc what happened last night. I hadn’t thought about it, but once I told him I realized you are the second woman I’ve attacked recently. I’m determined to make this work, Lulah, because I’m frightened I’ll hurt someone badly, soon.”

He’d shortened his stride so that Lulah didn’t have to do that double-time pace to stay with him.
Say something, please.
They reached the public track and once they were clear of the road they released the dogs. “Are you afraid of me, Lulah?”

“No, hey, no. I’m afraid of a lot of things right now, but I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of your PTSD, and of pushing too quickly. I don’t know if I’m good for you or bad for you and I’m afraid that I might be bad.”

“Doc thinks I need to continue focusing on getting well.”

“Uh-huh, I agree. I’m concerned that the pressure of our attraction to one another is adding to your stress.”

He grabbed for her hand as his chest tightened because he had a terrible feeling that she was letting him down gently, pulling away from him. That’s not what he meant, but how could he explain this to her when he didn’t understand it himself? “I can’t invest anything in a relationship right now, but, please, be my friend as I go through this. I can’t do it alone.”