Soul Protector (20 page)

~~~

CHAPTER 14

.

A Mess

.

My phone, lying by the side of
my bed, beeped to indicate I had a message. It was a struggle to
open my eyes. After tossing and turning most of the night, I must
have fallen into a deep sleep in the final hour and my head felt
tight and crumpled. I closed my eyes and tried raising my eyebrows
to straighten everything out and release the pressure.

I reached over to the bedside
table and grabbed the phone, guessing the message would be from
Kerry. I’d asked her to let me know as soon as she heard anything
from Joe. I had to wait for my eyes to adjust to the light before I
could read the screen. My heart thumped when I saw Dan’s name
displayed under ‘sender.’ I stared at it for a few moments, before
taking a deep breath and pressing ‘view.’

‘
Just wanted
to let you know everything is OK and we’re out. I still think you’d
make a great PSP and if you ever consider doing it, here’s the name
of a good guy who would be happy to act as your mentor.”

I quickly scanned past the name
and number to the final sentence.

“
I hope
everything works out for you Gracie, but I think it’s best if we
don’t contact each other anymore.”

Tears stung my eyes as I
re-read the text. It wasn’t anything I didn’t know, but it sounded
so final, and so
casual
. And as for that first line; how
could he say ‘everything is OK?’ Everything was
not
okay. It
was about as far from okay as it could possibly be. One thing I
was
sure of, I wouldn’t be contacting mentor guy. I hit the
delete button, pinging his text into the ether. The only SP I
wanted in my life was Dan. If I couldn’t have him, everyone else
could take a running jump.

~

After struggling through work
on Friday, I spent the weekend in limbo. I had no motivation to do
anything, so flopped in the living room, amongst the pile of
ironing I should have been tackling and the coffee mugs I was yet
to wash. I tried to lose myself in a book or magazine, but instead
ended up watching one trashy TV programme after the next.
Everything seemed grey and pointless without the reward of seeing
Dan at the end of it.

After a particularly boring
reality programme about losing weight, I realised I’d gone hours
without eating. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t felt hungry. I think
they called it the heartbreak diet but it was a novelty to me
because I was used to the opposite, my appetite never quite
satisfied. I decided I to get off my butt and eat something, or I
would suffer later.

I wandered through to the
kitchen and flicked on the kettle. As I did, I was reminded of the
time he was standing in the same spot, making me a cuppa. I
remembered how embarrassed I’d been when he asked me about the
sugar; I’d stuttered and stumbled and sounded like a right numpty.
It would have been blatantly obvious to him the effect he had on
me. Right now, I thought sadly, I would do anything to go back in
time to that day and change the course of events.

I opened the fridge door, and
sighed at the contents; half a pint of skimmed milk – something I
hated but thought I should have in order to lose the pounds, some
out of date yogurts, a couple of wrinkly onions – because I was
always kidding myself I was going to cook a recipe from scratch,
and a bottle of pinot grigio. My emergency chocolate bar was long
gone.

Looking in the cupboard wasn’t
much help either. The only items I found in there were tins of
ravioli and macaroni cheese that Terry donated because he knew I
was hard up – he wasn’t to know I didn’t like either, and some
pasta sauce, which would have been perfect, if only I’d had some
pasta. I made a mental note to go supermarket shopping in the near
future or else I’d starve.

My heart lifted when I
remembered I had some leftover ice cream in the freezer. I opened
the door and using a fish slice, managed to free the cookies and
cream tub out of the ice that had frozen round it. Not bothering to
put it in a separate bowl, I grabbed a spoon and slammed the drawer
behind me.

I wandered back through to the
living room and flopped on the sofa, ready to indulge my self pity.
I forced my spoon into the extra-frozen ice cream just as the
intercom buzzed.

Damn
. Why did people
only come to visit me when I was in a mess? Maybe it was because I
always seemed to be in a mess just lately. All I wanted was five
minutes warning so I could at least look presentable and kick a few
things under the sofa. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask?

I stood up, stretched and
padded over to the intercom.

“Hi, who is it?” I asked,
trying to mask my irritation.

“Hello, Gracie, it’s me,
Terry.”

“Oh hi, Terry, come on up.”

Terry had to go past the flat
on his way to Mum’s and he often popped in to see if I wanted to
join them. It was really sweet of him. I imagined most people
didn’t want company when they were off to visit their
girlfriend.

As it was only him, I decided
to stay in my pyjamas, but pulled on a dressing gown so I was
semi-decent.

I walked back to the door and
let him in.

“Hello love,” he said, planting
a kiss on top of my head, “sorry to drop in like this. I was just
passing and I really need some advice.”

“No problem,” I said, smiling.
It
was
good to see him.

We walked through to the living
room and for someone who was such a tidy freak, he was kind enough
not to bat an eyelid at all the mess.

“Can I make you a brew?” I
asked, waving my arms in the direction of the kitchen.

“No, you’re okay love, I’m not
staying. I’m due round at your mum’s in half an hour.

I swiftly moved a box of
tissues, the ice cream tub and a pile of magazines off the sofa so
Terry could sit down. I perched on my usual spot when I had
visitors, the arm on the other end.

Terry straightened the cushions
and then sat down. “Listen, I need your help. Your mum’s birthday
is coming up…”

I nodded, grateful for the
reminder.

“…and I’d like to spoil her,
but I want it to be a surprise. Trouble is I’ve drawn a complete
blank. I wondered if you could come up with something.”

I smiled as he spoke. He would
never understand how much I appreciated him being there for
Mum.

“Hmm, what sort of a surprise
were you thinking – a trip or something?”

“Erm, no. It can’t be a trip. I
was thinking more of a gift.”

I scratched my head and tried
to think of something she would like. As I thought, I caught sight
of my toes and noticed the varnish I’d applied the other evening
was badly chipped. I tucked them under my feet to hide the
evidence.

“I know. How about a locket?
She used to have a beautiful one in silver, but my dad pawned it
without telling her. She never did get it back, and I know she
loved it.”

Terry shook his head and
sighed.

“Great husband, eh?” I
added.

He frowned and I wondered if
Mum had told him the full extent of our past. I got the impression
he knew. When he looked at me again, his face had softened.

“You’re a genius. I think it’s
a fantastic idea, Gracie. Could I be cheeky and ask you to choose
one for me? I’ll give you the money. I’m not very good at
shopping.”

“Of course I will. I need to go
and buy my own present, anyway. I just need to think of something
of my own first.”

Terry put his hand in his
pocket and pulled out some notes. He peeled a few off the top and
handed them to me.

“That’s for my present...” he
peeled off a couple more and pressed them into my other hand,
“...and that’s for your present for your mum.”

I held the money back out to
him. “Terry, no don’t be silly. I can afford to pay for my own
present.”

He withdrew his hand. “I
insist. Call it petrol money, or pocket money, or whatever you
like. You’ve really helped me, and I won’t take no for an
answer.”

I sighed. “If I argue, will you
change your mind?”

He shook his head, shifted
position to stand up, but then hesitated.

“I hope you don’t mind me
asking love, but is there something wrong? You don’t look too
good.”

His concern caught me off guard
and I felt my chin start a little tremble.

“I’m fine, honest. I’m just
feeling a little under the weather today.”

Terry rested his hand on my
arm. “Gracie, you know I’m here for you as well as your mum, don’t
you? If I can ever be of any help, all you need to do is ask.”

That did it. I felt hot tears
plop onto my cheeks. I smudged them away on the back of my
dressing-gown sleeve, while he opened his arms and nodded. I didn’t
hesitate throwing myself into them. It felt good to be held.

“That’s it love, have a good
cry and you’ll feel better.”

I soaked Terry’s polo shirt
with my tears. I imagined this was how it felt to have a proper dad
– someone to look out for me, and make me feel safe. Maybe I’d been
looking for that in Dan and that’s why it hurt so much when he
abandoned me.

After a good five minutes the
tears faded and I straightened up, sniffing.

Terry held out the box of
tissues. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener.”

I managed to smile as I shook
my head.

“Okay love. If you ever do, you
know where I am. Or I can make myself scarce if you want to chat
with your mum.”

“No, it’s nothing really,” I
said, blowing my nose. “Please don’t tell her about this, she’ll
only worry.”

“Okay, but don’t forget what I
said.”

After making sure I really was
safe to be left on my own, Terry got up and made his way to the
front door. He gripped the handle and turned to face me.

“You’re a lovely girl, Gracie.
Things will work out just fine for you, you’ll see.”

As he walked out, the door
clicked shut behind him. I stood staring at it, wishing I could
believe him.

For the rest of Sunday
afternoon, I went back to torturing myself about Dan. I didn’t want
to think about him, but like an angry spot I couldn’t help picking
away, going over and over events in my mind and wondering if I
could have held onto him for longer if I’d done things differently.
And because I picked away, I allowed it to fester and become more
painful.

I couldn’t see how I was
supposed to manage without him. It had only been one day and I was
already driving myself crazy. I’d always had the feeling something
was missing from my life, but I’d put it down to my childhood and
not having a proper father figure. Now I realised a father figure
wasn’t the only thing I’d been missing.

When I met Dan, after the
initial shock of finding out I was a Soul Protector, it felt like
the missing piece of a jigsaw had finally come to light. Now he’d
left me, I felt lonelier than ever. How strange that you can meet
someone only briefly but know they’ve changed your life
forever.

Sleep didn’t come easily that
night either. When I woke up on the Monday I was experiencing a new
feeling towards Dan,
anger
. He’d completely over-reacted to
the situation. Yes, I had been upset over the break-up with Mike,
but if he’d been willing to talk further, he would have found out
it wasn’t just because of Mike, it was the whole double betrayal
issue that floored me. And who escaped their teens and twenties
without getting their heart broken at least once? The important
thing was, I was over Mike, and I had tried to convey that to Dan.
If he didn’t believe me, that was his problem, not mine. That was
the spin I was putting on things anyway. The trouble was it didn’t
make me feel any better.

~~~

CHAPTER 15

.

A Surprise Visitor

.

What got me through the next
few weeks was work. I literally threw myself into it, working
harder and staying later than ever before. Every day I rushed
through reception unable to face the morning chit-chat with Nisha.
I practically alienated myself from the rest of my colleagues too.
All I wanted was to be left alone to get on with my job. Poor
Arthur tried his hardest to cheer me up, but after a couple of
weeks of getting nowhere, even he gave me space.

Kerry had been in touch
regularly. It was probably getting boring for her, trying to chivvy
me on through a rough patch. We had plenty of chats late into the
night, either by phone, or whenever she turned up at my flat
unexpectedly.

I did my best to convince her
there was nothing to forgive, that it wasn’t her fault. Of course
it would’ve helped if she’d kept her thoughts to herself, but I
knew Dan would’ve found out about Mike eventually, and if he was
that hung up on exes, it was only a matter of time before he dumped
me anyway.

~

During those dark days Kerry
wasn’t my only visitor. I had a surprise visit from Dan’s twin,
Tom. He turned up one evening out of the blue.

When the intercom buzzed and I
first heard his voice, my heart skipped a beat, but after he said
his name I sagged with disappointment.

“Hello there, missus. It’s Tom,
Tom Sullivan.”

“Oh, hi, Tom. Erm, do you want
to come in?”

“Yeah, cheers, Gracie.”

I opened the door, and heard
him running up the stairs. I hoped raising my eyebrows would drag
my expression away from disappointment.

He arrived with a big grin on
his face looking so much like Dan it hurt.

“I’m not switched, but you
could probably tell that by the superior body,” he said winking,
and gave me a hug. He made his way into the flat, ducking like Dan
had in the very same body.

We walked through to the living
room, and I thought back to the time when I’d first realised Dan
wasn’t in his own body. I remembered wondering how shallow I was,
and if I’d fancy him in a different one. But as Tom sat on the sofa
and I perched on the opposite arm, I looked at the face I’d first
fallen in love with and realised there was no strong attraction.
Don’t get me wrong, I
liked
Tom, and while I had to admit he
was gorgeous-looking and fit, quite simply, he wasn’t Dan. He was
extrovert and cocky while Dan was more the strong, steady type.