Sottopassaggio (14 page)

I frown at the question. “Both,” I say.

“Deep down he's lovely,” she says. “Right now, he's a cunt.”

I'm unable to think of a suitable reply.

“That's why I'm here so much,” Jenny says. “Just to get away from it.”

I nod. “And I thought it was just to see
fabulous
me,” I say.

I grimace at my failed attempt at humour. It sounded more accusatory than anything else.

Jenny shrugs. “I need these breaks,” she says. “Sometimes, I think I'm close to losing my mind.”

I nod.

“Anyway,” she says, sipping at her beer again.

“So do you want to talk about it or forget it?” I ask.

Jenny wobbles her head from side to side. “Both I suppose. I can't really decide.”

Her voice trembles. She scrunches up her eyes as if she is in pain. She clears her throat, and then continues.

“The trouble is, I kind of think, well, if I start… Well I might just…”

She sits very straight and stares past me towards the door.

I reach across the table for her hand. “I know,” I say. “I know what you mean.”

“The thing is, Nick doesn't want the baby. He doesn't want it at all,” she says.

“He doesn't
want
it?” I repeat.

Jenny nods slowly. “We've been arguing so much since I told him.”

She turns and stares towards the bar and shakes her head. “I don't know what to do really,” she says. “I mean I do love him, but…” She sighs.

“Maybe he'll come round,” I venture. “Like Darren and Suzie. Do you remember?”

She nods. “Yeah, that's what I was hoping really, that he'd see the baby and come over all paternal.” She stares through me. “I'm not sure we'll even get
that far though,” she adds, biting her lip.

I wrinkle my nose. “What? Divorce? Surely he's not that bad is he?”

Jenny shrugs. “I don't know,” she says. “He's so anti.”

“Why though? Does he just
never
want kids?”

Jenny shakes her head. “I don't think he wants chocolaty hands all over his Bang and Olufsen. The poor guy can't imagine anything worse.”

I move my head from side to side. “Suggests a certain lack of imagination,” I say. “Not being able to imagine anything worse.”

Jenny manages a little laugh. “Actually part of me agrees with him. Part of me understands that it will be the end of holidays and skiing and white carpets. Part of me doesn't want kids either. But another part of me wants it passionately, desperately,” she says.

“And did you know that Nick didn't want kids when you got pregnant?” I ask.

Jenny nods and blinks slowly.

“You didn't trick him like Suzie did, did you? You didn't stop taking the…”

Jenny shakes her head. “I wasn't on the pill, I couldn't. Anyway. We were using condoms, but we ran out. It was only once.”

I nod. “So it's his fault as well; I mean, his responsibility.”

Jenny pulls her mouth downwards. “It was weird, special circumstances really. I said I thought we'd be OK. What with the time of the month and everything.”

I shake my head. “Why didn't you just go get condoms?”

Jenny laughs mockingly. “We were in a traffic jam.”

I bite my lip. “You conceived in a
traffic jam
?”

Jenny nods. “Oh, it's a long story, but we were on holiday and we got stuck…”

She breaks into a smile. At first I think it's at the
memory of traffic-jam sex, but then I realise she's looking towards the door, re-composing her face.

“Tom!” she exclaims.

Tom looks suspiciously between us. “Did I interrupt something?” he asks.

Jenny shakes her head slowly. “Nah,” she says, standing. “I have to go to the loo.”

Tom looks at our glasses. “Better get myself a drink I guess,” he says. “You two OK?”

Just as Tom sits down with his drink, Jenny returns, her face washed and re-composed.

“So what were you two discussing?” Tom asks. “You seemed very intense.”

Jenny shakes her head. “Nothing really, what's new with you?” she asks brightly. “You look good.”

Tom licks his lips and looks at Jenny then back at me, apparently deciding how much to tell.

There seems to be a twinkle in his eyes, but whether it's desire, joy, or simple intrigue, I can't tell.

“Well,” he says, lowering his head theatrically. “Antonio and I had some big,
big
discussions last week.”

I straighten in my seat and nod.

“I think we kind of worked out where we're at,” he says, blushing slightly.

I wrinkle my brow and suck the inside of my mouth.

“So where are you at?” Jenny asks.

Tom nods. “Well, I haven't really told you, but we've been a bit make or break lately…”

My diabolical couple-buster does a silent, secret, jump for joy.

“And we've been kind of thinking, well,
I
have, that we need to either get it together, or, well, split up really.”

I nod.

“Sooo…” Tom chews a fingernail and looks cutely at me out of the corner of his eye.

I grin and nod. “Yes?” I say.

“So Antonio is moving to Brighton,” he says. “Maybe.”

I order my face to maintain the current expression of amused intrigue, at least until I've worked out a more suitable one.

“Gosh!” I say.

Jenny casts me a worried glance. “Wow!” she says. “You must be chuffed.”

Tom breaks into the sweetest grin of child-like joy. “We're maybe going to buy a house together,” he says. “Possibly.”

I decide to emulate Jenny. “Wow!” I say.

“That's great,” she says.

“Yes, great!” I repeat.

Tom nods and fingers his little beard. “I mean, nothing's certain yet, and I'm trying not to get too excited because, well, in case…”

Jenny and I nod.

“But Antonio's told me to get my place valued and look for somewhere bigger. His company have offered him a UK post and he reckons he could live here and commute to London.”

I nod. “You're selling your flat then?” I ask.

Jenny frowns at me.

Tom nods. “Yeah, well, we couldn't live in my place. We'd kill each other.”

“Have you ever lived together before?” I ask.

Jenny glances at Tom and, confident that he won't see, she crosses her eyes at me. I can see her point. My inability to feel happy for them shocks me too.

“No,” Tom says. “But I guess you just have to just make that leap of faith at some point don't you.”

I nod enthusiastically. “Yes,” I say. “I guess you do.”

We say goodbye to Tom, who grins, gives us a little wave, and heads off towards
Storm
. The moon is full and bright in a cloudless sky giving an eerie bleached effect.

Jenny links her arm through mine.

“That's a very bad strategy you know,” she says.

“Strategy?” I ask.

“Yeah, resenting Antonio,” she says.

I laugh lightly. “Who resents Antonio?” I ask.

“Well,” Jenny says. “If you want Tom then my advice is to just hang around, be there, and be as perfect as you can. And perfect means not disliking his choice of boyfriend.”

We swap over to the other side of the road.

“Jenny, they're moving in together,” I say. “They're buying a house together. And anyway, who says I want
Tom
?”

Jenny laughs. “You do. And you'd be stupid not to. You two are perfect together.”

I frown. I'm somewhat shocked that she thinks so too.

“Perfect except that he's in love with Antonio,” I say.

“Well, my bet is that it won't happen,” she says. “I mean; would
you
move here? From
Italy
?”

“Well, maybe,” I say. “Plenty of people do,” I add, thinking of Benoit. “But even if he doesn't, it still doesn't mean that anything will happen between Tom and I.”

“Have you
seen
the way he looks at you?” Jenny asks. “I mean, do you actually notice
anything
?”

I frown again. I smirk lightly. “I thought that was just in my head,” I say.

Jenny shakes her head. “It's not. He's falling in
love with you.”

I snort. “He's
not
!” I laugh. “Anyway, if anything, I think I actually need to see less of him.”

“Less?”

Jenny tries to walk on ahead, but I drag her right, into the top of Owen's street.

“Oh!” she exclaims. “We're here already!”

At the bottom of the road the sea is reflecting the moon. “Wow! Look at that,” I say.

“Yeah,” she says reverently.

“I don't think it's healthy for me to be spending so much time with him,” I explain.

Jenny shakes her head. “Why on earth not?”

“Oh I don't know. I suppose I like him too much really. I don't
want
to be his
mate
. You know what I mean?”

Jenny makes a thoughtful,
Hum
sound.

We walk down the hill towards the sea in silence. Eventually she speaks.

“For what it's worth,” she says, “Not seeing someone because you like him doesn't make any sense at all. In fact it sounds stupid as can be.”

I nod. “I guess so.”

“And while you're being consumed by jealousy, Tom is alone in a club full of men, just waiting to meet whoever will take Antonio's place.”

We turn up the short staircase to Owen's and I jiggle the key in the lock.

“I must oil this,” I mutter, pushing the door open. “That's a bit cynical don't you think?”

Jenny shrugs. “I'm good at relationship stuff,” she laughs. “Well, other people's anyway. And long distance relationships
never
last.”

I sigh. “We'll see,” I say.

“Actually relationships never last, full-stop,” she says.

I throw my jacket over the back of the chair. “Yeah, well… As I say, we'll see,” I repeat.

Jenny sighs. “Not unless you're
around
to see you
won't,” she says.

The strange moonlight in the room produces a surreal two-dimensional effect. I look around in surprise then move to the window.

“That's an amazing moon,” I say.

“Get back there,” Jenny tells me. “Go dance, have fun. Be enthusiastic about Antonio coming. Show your friend how happy you are for him.”

I shake my head. “I don't think I want to be his friend though,” I say. “I'm too greedy to make do with part time slots with someone else's boyfriend. I want someone of my own. I don't want to be shagging one guy and talking to another.”

Jenny moves to my side and looks out of the window. “Who are you shagging?” she asks. “You never mentioned…”

I shake my head and interrupt. “It's not important, and that's the problem. I want it to be important. I want to be in love; I want to have that full-on mad impossible love thing again,” I frown in surprise at myself.

“It's overrated,” Jenny says. “That full-on love thing.”

I turn from the moon to look at her. “Tell me,” I say. I touch her shoulder but she pulls away, spinning on one foot and heading towards the door.

“Tomorrow,” she says. “We'll talk tomorrow.”

I nod.

“Now you go back and save that boy,” she says. “I'm going to bed.”

I shrug. “Save him from
what
?”

She smiles. “Who knows?” she laughs. “You won't know unless you go.”

“I'm not sleepy at all,” I say thoughtfully. “The full moon I guess.”

Jenny nods at me. “You see.”

I shrug. “I suppose I might as well.”

The seafront is strangely deserted; I guess everyone is either already in a club or safely home.

As I walk I stare at the moon floating above the sea. A single semi-transparent cloud has formed in front, making it look even bigger.

At
Storm
, the bouncer opens the door and utters a simple, “Evening.”

I start up the stairs, and then pause. “Oh!” I say. “You're leaving?”

Tom, who is at the halfway landing heading down, grins at me.

“Oh, you're back!” he says.

I climb the stairs until we're face to face. “I wasn't sleepy so…” I nod behind him. “Is it no good in there?”

He waves his head from side to side. “I was bored really, that's all.”

He looks sad. His earlier effervescence has faded.

“You OK?” I ask.

He wrinkles his nose and nods. “I hate clubs on my own,” he laughs. “Still, seeing as you're back…”

He reaches for my hand and turns and starts to climb the stairs again.

“Lets give it another go,” he says.

The club is busy and bouncy. It's difficult to see how anyone could be bored and the thought that Tom was leaving until he saw me leaves me feeling flattered.

The majority of the men are muscle-boys, T-shirts in pockets.

“Wow!” I shout as we push towards the bar. “What a selection!”

When I reach the counter I turn to Tom,
squeezing his way through behind me.

“The trouble is,” he says looking left and right, “these people all spend more time at the gym than they do reading.”

I frown at him and shrug. “So?”

“They're all so fucking ignorant,” he says.

I wrinkle my nose at him. “Let me get a drink and you can tell me all about it,” I laugh. “Lager?”

Tom nods.

I wave a banknote at the barman and scrutinize the men lined up along the bar.

I catch sight of a guy who seems familiar, and I frown, then realise that he looks exactly like Jimmy Somerville.