S.O.S. (51 page)

And here was, again, that very air. A pent-up excitement – and the barely stifled fizz of moment: the knowledge that soon there would be more, and different. And yes, during this crossing, there have
been
fun times – but now, to me, this ship seems to be simply a place I must very soon leave … leave, yes, and leave behind me for ever. On to the next thing. Which will be better, yes? More sound. And it will not trick me.

Christ, I feel wiped out; had a terrible night, just the worst. Didn't get a wink. Storm's blown over, anyway: I heard it die, not much before dawn. And I've heard all about poor Marianne, now. Nicole told me. It just goes to show, though, doesn't it? How right bloody royally and deep-down
hopeless
I am? In the light of all this? I mean to say – was I remotely aware that Marianne had formed some sort of attachment to someone? No. Far too busy drinking, drinking with, oh God – Dwight (my ex-best buddy) and plotting to buy off Trish (my ex-best woman) and then just cutting dinners and teas and parties because there was
cherishing
to be done with, um – as it turns out (and oh
please
don't make me go under the great hot red flush of so much
shame
 – not again, not again) … with the girl who does, in fact, turn out to be, er … oh my God
you
finish it,
you
do it: I just can't.

Anyway. When I heard from Nicole (And you are
listening
to me, David, are you? Not in one of your
trances
? … and I wasn't actually listening much, no –
was
in a bit of a trance, in truth: well, wouldn't
you
be? Didn't really focus on paying attention until the gist of the thing became clear to me – that Marianne, my little girl, was in
pain
, here. And then I had to get Nicole to say over to me again just practically the whole of it, which pissed her right off, as you might, I suppose, expect). So when I had finally assimilated that this new friend of Marianne's had – oh God, it's just so faint-makingly terrifying to even
think
about this (have you seen this sea? Have you
seen
it?) – gone over the
side
, Christ … well of course my impulse was to go to her, talk to her, take care of her (but not, now – because I can't ever really use the word again –
cherish
her in any shape or form … Oh Dwight – oh Dwight: I really am so very
sorry
. I know you won't ever let me
tell
you that – because I've tried, of course I have, I've tried and tried – but maybe in some way you will know that I feel it). But then I thought Yes but
look
 – I'm no good at this, am I? I mean
tell
me – please do tell me the last time I helped, oh – just
anyone
in any way whatever? You can't, can you? No you can't because I don't. Ever. Help. I just take hold of a thing and then I fuck it all up.

But so many times I nearly rang her. Picked up the phone, put it down again. Because what do you say to a daughter in pain? And then she rang me.
Marianne
, I went: how are you? I mean – not too, um …? Look – I was just going to
call
you! And she said – sounded so small and lost and impossibly distant – Yeh, Daddy, sure: I know you were. Which made me feel, oh – just
how
good? Can we, she said – my own little girl –
talk
a bit …? And I said Oh my God of
course
we can,
course
we can – of
course
we can, Marianne.
And so I'm now on my way to meet her. She said her cabin. But I said No – Black Horse. And she said Oh
Daddy
…! And I said I
know
, I
know
 – but trust me, it'll be better there. And it will, it will – it won't be
great
(because face it: what do you say to a daughter in pain?) but it will be a bit better because it isn't so enclosed and when I dry up completely there might at least be other noises. Plus I can get a
drink
, which I will probably (there is no probably about it) need.

Marianne's already here: of course she is. Christ – poor little kid: she had a night like mine, by the looks of her. I'm signalling Hi. She's held up her glass – that Cola stuff she drinks, looks like – so she's sorted, at least, in that department. Get myself a, um –
Scotch
, I think: bit fed up with Bourbon, now. Which looks like it's going to take a while. God Almighty – yesterday there was no one here serving at all, and today there's the two of them over there and all they seem to want to do is huddle up at the other end and bloody
natter
. I suppose in their eyes, it's all over. Docking tomorrow, and be damned with everyone. Oh look – miracles will never … Yes yes I
do
want a drink, yes, since you ask. Why I'm standing at the bar and bloody
staring
at you, point of fact. Christ – tell you …!

‘At least,' said Sammy – watching the back of David, now, as he stumped away (he had swallowed half his drink the moment Jilly had set it before him) – ‘I won't have to put up with all the rude old drunks, any more.' And then he turned his wet and vanquished eyes, heavy with hurt, full on to Jilly, who was – as always, now, it seemed to Sammy – just looking down and saying nothing. ‘I am trying,' uttered Sammy, ‘to find a silver lining. But there isn't one.'

‘You'll get a job,' said Jilly, quietly. ‘Back in England.'

‘Maybe. Depends on the reference. Won't be
glowing
, will it?'

‘You're a good barman …'

Sammy nodded to that. ‘But not very good for anything else, it seems …'

‘Oh
please
, Sammy – please. Not again. Not again. I just can't go through it all again. Can't.'

‘Oh
please
, Jilly – please. Please change your mind and come back to me. Won't you? We could be back in England by tomorrow night …'

‘Yeh and
then
what, Sammy? I go back to my
parents
and try to explain why I'm not on my way to bloody
Jamaica
and you don't have anywhere to live at
all
and … oh, it's just
hopeless
, Sammy. It's no
good
. You'd only keep chucking it all in my face – yes you
would
, Sammy, you would – I don't care what you say
now
, I just know that you would. And I'm not – I'm just not cut out for the sort of life you're after. Am I? And I've
said
all this. I've said and said and
said
it. If we were together any more we'd just never ever talk about anything
else
. Driving me mad …'

‘So. Well. You'll be with
him
, won't you. In New York.'

Jilly hissed out her exasperation.

‘I won't be –
with
him, no Sammy. I mean – he'll be there, yes, and I'll be there too. I've never been to New York, Sammy – and I want to
see
it, OK? Which is what I've been saying all
along
. God …'

‘What I don't understand,' said Sammy – biting on his lip, and trying to be wise and strong about this – ‘is that you –
you
, Jilly, are the one who has
done
this to us – '

‘
Jesus
…!'

‘No listen – it's
you
, Jilly – it is. You're the one who's
done
all this and all you do is
shout
at me. I've lost everything, here – and all you do is
shout
at me.'

‘I'm not … shouting. Look, Sammy – hear me. For the ten thousandth time I'm
sorry
, OK? I can't undo things, and I can't be, oh – someone I'm just
not
. So please. Let's just get through this – last day … and
stop
all this.'

Jilly just walked away from the bar and out of there, then – leaving Sammy to tend his wounds and batten down the
wildest of his flailing grievances: come to terms with so much astonishment.

‘Good God,' muttered David, as Jilly swept past their table, leaving just the after-rush of her swishing behind her. ‘She's in a bloody hurry to get out of here. Jesus – if you don't
like
working in a bar, why take the job in the first place?'

Which he had said quite uncaringly – only did it to fill in a gap – gap, yes: another of those. Because all that has happened so far at this little pow-wow is that Marianne very quietly asked him (and she's been crying, you know, my own little girl – look at those sad sweet eyes: she's been crying, yes) – asked whether Mummy had told him …? And David had said Yes, she – mm, bare bones anyway, yes she did. And Marianne had nodded quite solemnly, and said Oh – if only he'd talked to me
more
: explained to me exactly just how wretched he was feeling … And that was followed by a gap, David really needing another drink right now, but reluctant to leave the table after such a short while (which would betoken evasion? Might well do, might well do – but all it is is I need another
drink
). Then Marianne looked at David, and the eyes of both of them dissolved at once. David had to look away – and Marianne said to him or maybe not to him at all that she had grown really quite
fond
of Tom: really very …
fond
… and now I have to live with him being gone from me. And David nodded (gap) and could only think I hope, Marianne, I do so hope that this is the first and only time in your life that you are left alone: me – I've lost track completely. Will you, one day – leave
me
alone, Marianne? I suppose you will. I suppose you must do.

David was agitating his empty glass, now, really quite energetically – up and down the ridges his thumbnail was click-click-clicking. Glanced with venom
how
many times at the bloody idiot kid behind the bar, but Christ – looks like he's in a bloody
coma
, or something. Oh Christ – maybe I'll
just go up and get myself a refill. Not doing any bloody good hanging around Marianne, am I? Haven't even said to her a single bloody word. So maybe I'll just – oh hey look, that's – it is, just walked in – it's
Dwight
! And the leap of hot pleasure and the balm of relief at just the sight of old Dwight was immediately and hissingly extinguished as he remembered, saw again, with appalling clarity that no, no no – Dwight wasn't, was he, any more a friend of his? They could not laugh and drink, not now. They would not work, side by side.

And now Dwight had seen him: his face went sour and his mouth turned down in open disgust. He turned and walked right out of there. And … do you know … even though I have my raw and wretched daughter right here before my eyes (cowed and cold, she looked now, Marianne) this has hurt me more, so much more than just any of all of it. He's not coming back, is he? No, thought David, he's not. He's not.

Too fuckin'
right
I ain't: asshole's lucky I didn't waste him. Tries to tell me he's
sorry
, the little shit. Oh yeh
sure
 – I can see only too well how he's just all broke
up
. Jeez – he's done with screwing around with Suki (and Christ have I laid into
that
little prasty-toot) what he does is he goes on back to his
other
little sweet piece of ass. Mebby – just mebby, he been alone and looking real bad, I bleeve I just might've – hell, I dunno –
talked
with the guy … bought him a drink, mebby. But now: forget
it
. I'll just go and take it out some more on Suki. She been trying to tell me it weren't hardly nothing between them, just kinda necking and stuff – like what we used to call heavy
petting
? Oh
yeah
, I'm going – well that sure ain't the take I got outta the bastard
David
. Who I really
liked
, you know? And hell – I'm being honest, here – I guess my little Suki done screwed her way round campus, like, three entire circuits and back again – but what else stand can I be taking, here? My
daughter
, right? Yeh right. So David gets froze out: it's the way it's gotta be. And Charlene – Charlene I ain't even told the half of it, you know? Which is why, maybe, she's shooting at me You just leave Suki
alone
, you hear me Dwight? It's the
David
bastard's fault, your shit buddy: she ain't nothing but a baby. And Earl, he's going Yeah, cool it, Dad – just back off, kay? And I'm going What hell
you
know bout anything at all in this whole goddam world, Earl? And why hell you got yourself
a feather
sticking outta your ear, boy? You fixing to
fly
someplace? I guess, put in Suki – who needed all the friends she could get, right? – it kinda musta gotten stuck on all this kinky new
hair
gel he's taken to using? And hey – don't ask – Earl just claws out the gummy feather, closes tight his eyes and says Yeh sure:
right
.

‘Shut hell up
alla
youse!' Charlene is now yelling. ‘What typa vacation this turning into? Huh? Now let's just chill out, here. Dwight – getchaself over to Julie and Benny's, hear me? She can't raise up Benny offa the can and he says he don't want no stoords on accounta it's private business. That's Benny. Go figure.'

Dwight just wagged his head – and slowly across his face a smile seeped in from somewhere.

‘Hey, people – we all good'n ready to get back home?'

‘Sure am,' said Suki. ‘And Dad?
Sorry
 – kay?'

‘You bet,' sighed Earl, and he was nodding quite briskly.

And Charlene too – she was nodding, and maybe turning it over.