Sorting Out Sid (21 page)

Sid pressed the buttons of his remote, staring blankly at the flashing lights and changing images on the television screen. He waited to get into the state of mindless stupor that made up so many pleasant and numb evenings. But today, his heart just wasn’t in it, even though the privacy that he had yearned for during his parents visit was finally his to enjoy.

Sid unconsciously looked to his left and then to his right as he sat on the edge of the bed. He didn’t have to sit there like that, all stiff any more. He should be lounging around the way he always did when alone. Yet, here he was. Oh God … was it possible that he was actually missing his parents? No … that was a crazy thought. Their depressing presence for so many days had just spoilt the sanctity of his room for him … that was all. He would just have to wait a few days till the memory faded.

Should I call now and tell them? No, he decided. Not right now. Let them settle into their old routine and get comfortable first. He would then call and explain it all. Besides, Sid had to think it through properly.

Today, the whole day long, he had been feeling listless and uneasy. He usually tried to throw himself into his job, but that escape route hadn’t worked thanks to his encounter this morning with bloody Akash.

Akash had sauntered into Sid’s cabin, shouting boisterously, ‘So, young man! How are you doing?’ Akash held out his hand and Sid shook it, saying, ‘Good, good.’ Sid was unenthusiastic, but Akash didn’t notice. He just settled himself on the chair in front of Sid’s desk and said, ‘So! How can I help you today?’

Sid stared at him blankly and said slowly, ‘Boss, you came in to talk to me about something, I think?’

Akash looked confused for a second and then said, ‘Ha ha! Of course, of course. I just wanted to find out how you’re doing in your new role.’

Sid thought for a moment, and opened his mouth, but Akash piped in, ‘You know what we call your role in the senior VP circle, right? CTO!’

Akash waited for Sid to ask what it meant.

Sid stifled his sigh and thought … all right, I’ll bite. He asked, ‘CTO? That’s … chief technology officer?’

It was Akash’s moment. ‘No! In our parlance it stands for chief toilet officer, you know … leading the toilet cleaners category? Ha ha … so…’ Akash cackled some more with self-satisfied laughter and then paused to see if Sid was showing any signs of joining in.

‘Oh … ha ha,’ Sid said politely. ‘Good one, boss.’ He wanted to groan and roll his eyes, but kept the smile pasted on his face.

Akash was in a jovial mood after his inane joke. ‘So anyway, I wanted to check … It’s a big move up … All okay with your new responsibilities?’

‘Well, actually,’ began Sid, ‘I was hoping you’d tell me how exactly do you see my role having changed ever since I became CTO, I mean Head, Toilets? To be frank, so far, you know, it’s been a few weeks now and I don’t really see the difference between the earlier role and…’

‘Aha! But that’s the thing,’ said Akash, leaning back in the chair so far that Sid was afraid it might break. ‘You need to be able to
perceive
the difference in the role even when it looks the same. And that’s when you know you’ve actually crossed over into the world of top management.’

Sid watched Akash swaying back and forth in the chair as he tried to decipher what had just been said to him. Sid decided that he
wanted
that chair to break.

Sid had been so distracted with his parents’ visit until now that he hadn’t brought it up yet with Akash about how it was a little strange that while his designation, office and salary had been upgraded, his work profile stayed just the same. And now, when Akash was bringing up the subject himself he was choosing to play Yoda talking to Luke Skywalker.

‘Boss,’ Sid decided to give it one more shot, ‘how about you telling me from your point of view what you expect from me that’s different in this new role?’

‘I expect,’ Akash said in an enigmatic manner, ‘you to figure it out yourself.’ He seemed very pleased with himself for the answer and went on, ‘It’s no longer about someone else setting targets for you, you’re now at a different level. Besides, remember that I will be moving out in a few months, perhaps overseas, so you can’t keep counting on me any more to give you all the answers.’ Sid bit his lip to keep from protesting at the unfairness of this statement but Akash didn’t notice. ‘Time for you to rise to the occasion, son.’ He wiggled a finger meaningfully at Sid to emphasize the point.

Sid looked wistfully at Akash’s finger, wishing he had but one chance to see how far backwards it would bend before breaking. ‘Sure,’ he said, swallowing the sarcastic ‘Dad’ that danced on the tip of his tongue.

Akash grunted and pushed himself off the chair saying, ‘Glad I could help, Sid.’

At the door Akash whipped around once and said, ‘Also, I’m glad to see you’re now keeping better lunch company. Meenakshi will help you adjust to some of the softer aspects of your new role.’ His eyes took on a faraway, almost hypnotized, look that was a strange combination of reverential yet leery. ‘Meenakshi is an experienced, competent, senior leader who knows how things really work at the higher levels.’ Akash snapped out of it and looked at Sid again. ‘Much better than the kids you kept company with earlier. It’s great you figured it out yourself. I don’t have to explain how important these little things are
–
perception, my friend, is everything!’

Sid felt his face flushing red hot with anger, but he managed to say through his gritted teeth, ‘Glad you approve boss.’

‘Good, GOOD!’ said Akash. ‘Your little friends will understand you have to move on … that’s how it is.’ Akash waved his arm expansively to indicate Sid’s new office. ‘And all things considered, it’s hardly a sacrifice, right?’

‘No, sir,’ said Sid, his jaw set tight, ‘it’s no sacrifice, no sacrifice…’

‘Elton John!’ shrieked Akash, pointing at Sid and laughing loudly at his own inane joke. Sid’s fake laughter was so loud that it completely drowned Akash’s. Sid went on laughing, long after Akash had stopped and had begun to look curiously at Sid. Even after Akash waved uncertainly and exited the room, Sid continued to laugh until the laugh metamorphosed into a series of strange, muffled wheezing wails emanating from deep within him. Sid buried his face in his hands and stayed like that for a long time, thankful once again for the privacy of his cabin.

He fumed now, tossing his remote behind him onto the bed.

What was with people telling him all the time who to hang out with? Akash having the balls to say that he shouldn’t hang out with his earlier team. It bugged him no end, especially when the hurtful truth was that his team no longer really seemed comfortable hanging out with him.

And that Aditi having the, well, balls to say that he shouldn’t hang out with Neha.

Neha. He’d just started getting to know her. Neha didn’t judge. She was just so … different from everyone else. He had
liked being with her, he had felt comfortable in her company. And now? He was letting Aditi’s words keep him from seeing Neha. Ridiculous! Sid stood up. He was done being cooped up alone, and letting other people decide things for him. Yes, this was the bold, new and decisive Sid who did not need anyone’s permission for anything.

The doorbell rang and his heart sank into his stomach. Now Mandira was home and he wouldn’t be able to leave. No, wait a minute, he didn’t have to tell her anything. They weren’t even really married any more, it was just a technicality due to some obsolete, doddering, old judge. It was his life and he could go wherever he liked, meet whoever he chose to. And if she had a problem with that, well, that was just too bad.

Sid stepped out of his room with an attitude of defiant confidence. Mandira was putting away her keys and she turned to face him. Her face looked tired and haggard, dark circles under her eyes. For the first time, he thought, she was looking older than her thirty-eight years.

‘I’m going out,’ he said, his voice starting out deep but catching a bit in the middle. He hated confrontations.

She shrugged and breezed past him into her room muttering, ‘Sure.’

Oh, that wasn’t so bad, he thought. Great. Maybe she wasn’t that mad at him any more. Maybe she respected that he would tell his parents when he was ready. Maybe she was finally prepared to keep it civil.

Mandira stuck her head back out of the room and added, the mockery clear in her tone, ‘Drive safely, Sid
–
wouldn’t want you to have an
accident
, you know.’

This caring statement was followed by a word that sounded a lot like pucker. It was hard to tell because it was timed well
with her slamming the bedroom door with a force that made his ears ring.

Sid grabbed his keys and said a curt, ‘Main jaa raha hoon’ to the little, shadowy figure crouching in her usual spot behind the sofa. Little Rukmini didn’t move, she didn’t seem concerned with his whereabouts at all. Sid paused at the door once, turned and shouted, ‘Bye’ at the top of his voice. He knew it didn’t affect Mandira in the safety of her room but little Rukmini was suitably startled
–
he saw her jump.

Already feeling sorry despite the slight sense of satisfaction that the cheap trick gave him, Sid stormed purposefully out of the door.

8

The Conversation

S
id felt stupid as he sat in his parked car. It was, he reflected, a familiar feeling of course.

On the drive over he had imagined himself as rather dashing and suave. On a secret mission that involved meeting a beautiful lady … Very double-oh seven. But by the time Sid pulled through the gate, the security guard saluting and letting him in with alacrity, assuming he had come to visit Aditi and Krish as usual, he had started to feel uncertain whether this was really such a good idea. For one, he didn’t feel all that suave and smart any more. The French beard that he finally decided to grow over the last few days in a bid to look older was still a bit thin and patchy. He wasn’t all that sure about it. Mandira commented on the last day of his parents’ visit, perhaps the only time she spoke directly to him in front of them during that week, that it looked great, especially because it hid his weak chin. Not that he had asked for her opinion! Whatever. He raised his chin up high to check it out again in the rear-view mirror. He never knew he had a weak chin. What the hell was a weak chin anyway? On the other hand, Meenakshi had whispered in his ear earlier today, as they stood in line
for lunch, that it made him look very much like a
real
VP. Sid didn’t even know if that was a compliment. After all, Akash was a real VP, too. But the heavy breathing in his ear made him suspect that at least
she
liked it.

He glanced down at himself. He hadn’t even changed out of his office clothes. He should have worn something nicer. But in his decisive mode, he had decisively swept out, forgetting to change. He briefly evaluated driving back home to change and then doubling back, but dismissed the idea. Plus, he might encounter Mandira and have to deal with her barbs again. No sir, no more barbs tonight. He steeled himself and finally got out of the car.

Sid went into Neha’s building and started a slow climb up the stairs. He knew he wouldn’t be able to walk all the way to the thirteenth floor but was determined to beat at least a decent number of floors this time round. Sid wasn’t sure why he was on this walking trip in Neha’s building. Nothing ever tempted him to climb up to his own eighth-floor apartment. No, it was not a delaying tactic at all. But with each floor he passed, his breathing got heavier and his heart sank a little deeper.

Floor 1: Maybe she would think he was desperate to land up like this.

Floor 2: What if she had company? Maybe Aditi, or worse, some other friend, a male friend. No, Aditi would be worse, after he had promised her to stay away from Neha.

Floor 3: She might be offended by an intrusion into her personal time, without any prior notice.

Floor 4: There was also the very real possibility that she might be out for the night. In fact, he was now kind of hoping that she was.

On the fourth floor, he debated with himself for several moments before getting into the elevator and pressing number thirteen. He got out on Neha’s floor and found himself hovering uncertainly outside her door; he hadn’t ever done anything like this before. This was plain idiotic. No wonder he hardly ever followed his instinct. Instincts were stupid. Sid raised his hand to ring her doorbell, but then withdrew it. He couldn’t do this to himself. He
wouldn’t
do it.